Welcome!: Road to Perdition

Thursday 9 August 2007

Road to Perdition

Yesterday was a great day for me. And no, it didn't involve me overcome my fears by jumping off the cliffs or anything, it was more like, great spiritually and emotionally, ha! I've never thought I would be able to use the word 'spiritually' in my so many years of writing! The funny thing is, it wasn't spiritually as you think. How do I know what you think? Because I'm just smart?

So yesterday I went to school for the bored-awaiting tutorial(it was the last day of tutorial and I thought I should at least show my face to the teacher, you know, just to let him know that this face existed? So when he saw me in the street, he wouldn't think of me as a stranger, but more like 'that student who came late to my last day of tutorial'.) I felt so guilty actually! So anyway I came there and did the presentation without knowing what the hell I was talking about, nodded pleasantly at half of what he told us, and of course, marked my attendance (which is why I came in the first place..Um, I mean, as part of the reason. Of course the first reason being that I wanted to learn and acquire knowledge. Do you have to ask?)

Before I knew it, the class was over and I couldn't be more than happy. No, a bit sad, really. Because it marked the last tiny drop of PR-priceless lessons that I could gain. But well, you get some, you lose some, right? So I couldn't very well be sad for far too long, correct? And so, hiding and trying so hard, just so hard to look chipper, the three of us had a walk to Little India. And holy molly, the day was burning! No, literally, it was burning our skulls! It was so hot I could almost faint. And although it wasn't a far distance between where we started and Little India, under that weather it somehow felt like a never-ending road. When we finally got there, I was sweating uncontrollably, my mascara smudged, forming unglamorously heavy black marks just below my eyes, and I couldn't feel further from zen!

Actually we came there not only because we were sad people who didn't have any other idea where to go, no, not only that! Although, that too. But ultimately it was because I wanted to see the famous hostel. And saw it, we did. Okay, fine, mission accomplished. What next? Well, we ended up sitting lamely at Sheng Shiong food court, running out of things to say after the first 30 minutes. Ha!

Anyway fast forward the story (yes, I will spare you the details on how we ended up going to the wrong way and getting lost like two blind mice for a while on the way back, and no, I will certainly not spill on how I ate duck rice and bump into two co-workers from the restaurant and how nauseating-lovey-dopey those two acted, *I'm just jealous* and last but not least, I'm not telling you how babe spilled some soy sauce on her skirt. Sigh, I know, we're just dorks that way.)

But the higlight of the day was to see my sister presenting her thesis over at NUS. I will not get emotionally sappy or anything here, because I'm not quite ready to bare my mellow side to you *hoeek!! vomit-alert!* But let me just say this, she was exceptional! During her presentation, I was so proud of her I could jump forward and hug her right there and then. *vomit-alert again?!* I mean, I knew she's always great, but to see her in front of the stage was just adding some couple layers of greatness. *greatness?! You think this is a Guiness ad, eh?!*

So to celebrate we initially wanted to do some karaoke but ended up watching Rush Hour instead. I know, the choice of show was poor, but from the excitements, we could have watched some lousy porn and still be happy!

Okay so it was a great day already but wait, it got better! Well, *blushing* I got to talk to him. I'm such a hopeless romantic! And I don't freaking care! Ha! And to top it off, I found the perfect song! Just perfect to listen to! 'The Heart of the Matter' by India Arie. I know, amazing what a power of music can do to you.

Today friends are coming over for some relaxation, swimming, sauna and DVDs. Great, eh? Nope, we planned to work on assignments too! Really! No, really! I'm serious!!

WTF!

ps: Babe! Please send me our latest pics! My photo album is rotting, I'm tellin' ya! And don't say 'what recent pics?' !!! And the webcam please! Thank you very much, nice to have business with you, thank you for travelling with Singapore Airlines I'm totally babbling here but I can't stop it, help!

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Quotes

There's a hundred million different ways of writing, and it takes you a long time to sort through that stuff. And I think it takes anyone a long time to find a voice.

You must learn to take the good with the bad, the happy with the sad, love what you’ve got and remember what you had. Learn to forgive, but never forget, learn from your mistakes but never regret. People change and things go wrong, but you just have to remember that life goes on.

The day before I’m supposed to be meeting Caroline for a drink, I develop all the textbook symptoms of a crush: nervous stomach, long periods spent daydreaming, an inability to remember what she looks like. I can bring back the dress and the boots, and I can see her bangs, but her face is a blank.

I don't know, I think that if I could just accept the fact that my life is supposed to be difficult. You know, that's what to be expected, then I might not get so pissed-off about it and I'll just be glad when something nice happens.

I can see now I never really committed to Laura. I always had one foot out the door, and that prevented me from doing a lot of things, like thinking about my future and... I guess it made more sense to commit to nothing, keep my options open. And that's suicide. By tiny, tiny increments.

There's a big fucking world out there. It's messy, and it's chaotic, and it's never, never ever the thing you'd expect. It is ok to be scared, but you cannot allow your fears to turn you into an asshole, not when it comes to the people that love you, the people that need you.

Maybe what I'm saying is, is the world might be evolving the way a person evolves. Right? Like, I mean, me for example. Am I getting worse? Am I improving? I don't know. When I was younger, I was healthier, but I was, uh, whacked with insecurity, you know? Now I'm older and my problems are deeper, but I'm more equipped to handle them.

I am nothing special; just a common man with common thoughts, and I've led a common life. There are no monuments dedicated to me and my name will soon be forgotten. But in one respect I have succeeded as gloriously as anyone who's ever lived: I've loved another with all my heart and soul; and to me, this has always been enough.

Later that day I got to thinking about relationships. There are those that open you up to something new and exotic, those that are old and familiar, those that bring up lots of questions, those that bring you somewhere unexpected, those that bring you far from where you started, and those that bring you back. But the most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you can find someone to love the you you love, well, that's just fabulous.

A woman needs to be held, even, and science has shown this, if its with someone she doesn't care about. Protective hormones are released, and the amount of hormones released depends on the degree to which she is held. The first and best is the complete surround. He wraps you in both arms, whispers how beautiful you are. Second best is the 'arm around.' He is next to you but with one arm around you. Third is he's just next to you on his elbow, but he rests his hand on your stomach and looks at you. Fourth is you snuggling up to him with your head on his chest, while he looks away into space. But when the first best happens, you feel completely, wonderfully like a woman.

So, so what, so fuck off, go home, leave you alone? I'll tell you something Paul, there isn't anything that I've wanted for eighteen years, cause I was a kid eighteen years ago. And if I did still want the same things I'd think I'd gone wrong somewhere, because actually I don't want to marry David Cassidy, I don't want bigger tits, I don't want to do better on my marks. I've stopped worrying about that kind of thing and maybe you should try.

Well maybe there's a big bit of you that's gone missing somewhere, maybe everyone should want something they've always wanted.

Why is it that adults aren't supposed to go mad about anything? You gotta keep a lid on it. And if you don't then people are apparently entitled to say what they like. "You haven't grown up. You're a moron. Your conversation is trivial and boorish. You can't express your emotional needs. You can't relate to your children." And you die, lonely and miserable. But you know, what the hell, every cloud has a silver lining.

I just woke up one morning and didn't feel the same way. Where did it go? It was like there had been a lot of food on a plate in front of us, and we ate it all really quickly, and then there was nothing left. Maybe that's how couples stay together: they're not greedy. They know that what they have in front of them has to last a long time, so they kind of pick at it. I hope it's not like that, though. I hope that when people are happy together, it feels as though someone keeps piling seconds and thirds on their plates.

That is what I have learned: Sex is destructive. Love is nothing to be fooled with. I learned that I was dangerous, not to be trusted. I wondered if my parents were right, with all of their stiff lovelessness. Maybe they knew better. My parents don't dole out love for the deserving or the undeserving. I was learning that love could cost me.

You could say all you liked about reason and logic and common sense and imagination, but when the chips were down, the one skill you needed was the ability to think about absolutely nothing whatsoever.

There is a comfort in never making an effort, but it's a lonely comfort. What keeps you going is the knowledge that you're only playing with only four cards showing. But when you see other people succeeding with their mediocre hands, you have to make a decision. If you turn over that final card you're certain of victory, but it also means you have nothing in reserve.

I’d gone through life believing in the strength and competence of others; never in my own. Now, dazzled, I discovered that my capacities were real. It was like finding a fortune in the lining of an old coat.

Maybe we all live life at too high a pitch, those of us who absorb emotional things all day, and as mere consequence we can never feel merely content: we have to be unhappy, or ecstatically, head-over-heels happy, and those states are difficult to achieve within a stable, solid relationship.