Stop

I'm scared that I'm not good enough for you. I'm scared that you see my many imperfections. I'm scared that I'm not worth keeping.

You're afraid that I may look somewhere else. You're afraid your sense of humour is beginning to bore me. You're afraid I'm never going to let you in.

Can we just drop our worries and fear and stop thinking for a second? And who knows, we might have gotten somewhere.

What I learn from my waitressing job.

Adopting a robotic smile
Saying 'thank you' even when you were given rubbish
Looking perky even though my outfits were drowning me. (think: oversized shirt and an even bigger apron)
Carrying a number of bowls of ramen at one-go
Pouring hot-plate sauce
Checking out cute customers
Working a 12-hour shift
Socializing with chefs
Sweeping and mopping floors daily
Checking out cute customers
Acting busy in front of the owner
Knowing the menu inside out 'til the sight of a big hot bowl of ramen made me slightly nauseous.
Checking out cute customers
Checking out cute customers

Oops, wait. I said that already.

Shameless Dance

So it's day 2 in "Let's Write Everyday" Challenge. Haha, nah. I think labeling it as a challenge is just making it doomed to fail. I don't like labels, ha!

Anyway, I want to share with you this weird thing happening to me last night. I was suddenly hit with an intense epiphany, so strong and overpowering that I started dancing around the house shamelessly much to everyone's horror.

I started with a dance around my room accompanied with an Olly Murs' track I couldn't get enough of these days, and then my sister came home from work so I proceeded swaying and pulling off dorky dance moves across the living and dining room like a spastic.

I don't know, but I was just so happy without reason and I get hyper when I'm happy. If I have to explain it, perhaps these were the contributing factors of my sudden epiphany:

1.I was really, really excited of coming home this weekend and it was just 5 days away!

2.I just finished watching The Sweetest Thing on cable tv; the one with Cameron Diaz. It was a total feel-good chick lit movie which made you feel like you've just wasted an hour of your live, yet, for some weird reason, it cheered you up and you enjoyed it tremendously (although you wouldn't admit it to your date.)

3.I was currently obsessed with this Olly Murs' song and it was such an easy-listening, feel-good track you couldn't help but to sway to.

I guess it was a combination of them all, so I was just really, really happy last night. My sisters and cousin looked at me like I was crazy, but it wasn't the first time I danced around the house or behaved like I'm 10 years old, so they were quite forgiving and less judgmental.

If I could be this happy and high everyday, who needs booze anymore, seriously?

Writing and M. Night Shyamalan.

You: "Can you promise me one thing?"
Me: "Yeah, what is it?"
You: "Promise me that you would write everyday."
Me: "What am I gonna write about everyday?"
You: "Anything. Just anything you feel like writing. Just..do it."

I don't know if this is gonna take me anywhere. I lack of commitment just as it is. But I'm gonna try..for at least a week? Haha.

I feel like talking about DEVIL today. I've been apprehensive to see it since it was out in the cinema because I hate, and just hate, horror movies. I'm the perfect epitome of a panicked, dramatic and jumpy audience who would probably pee her pants every time a scary scene or a sudden noise comes out in the screen. I hate being afraid and I'm not afraid to show it.

But you know, as a follower of M. Night Shyamalan, one should know that he never made horror movies just out of the desire to scare the audience off. The difference is that he always, always have a scary story to begin with. So he doesn't really have to do much about it. Good chance that we would pee our pants ourselves after realizing what happened, if that makes sense?

I really like how the story unfold. It left you guessing right from the beginning. The concept was simple: five persons trapped in the elevator, and one of them was the Devil. There's a reason why these people were there, though, although it seemed random at first: they were no angels. They were flawed: one a liar, a thief, you know, things like that.

In a way, it was like the devil wanted to punish them for their mistakes. He took their lives; these people who didn't own up to their faults.

As a kid, my sisters and I liked reading mystery comics, and there was one author that we really liked. I think she's made a story out of something similar like this. If I'm not mistaken, there were people trapped in the lift too, and they ended up killing each other. When the police finally opened the door, everyone died, and there was this cockroach coming out of the elevator. This cockroach turned out to be the devil, and as it slipped out, he said, "Hmm. I didn't even do anything. I just accidentally touched someone in there, and they ended up killing each other by themselves.."

The morale of the story? Sometimes people are bad enough by themselves.

The movie ended with a little line that goes like this: "My mother always told me not to fear the Devil, because if the Devil is real, than God must be real too."

Gave me chills.

I miss you.

When I was still in school and living back home, every time I was sick, I would just lay down and sleep in my room for hours until I heard my mom coming in. She would turn on the light, and feel my forehead. She would sit by me and ask me how I was feeling, and she would know exactly what to do.

She’s say, “Tin, let’s go to the doctor. Get ready, okay?” and she would accompany me to the doctor even though she just came back from work herself.

I miss those times when I could just be a ‘child’, and have someone take care of me. In any circumstances, my mom always knew what to do. She told me that I shouldn’t take a shower at night when I was having a fever. She knew what to do when I was having pain in my stomach, when there were marks and itches in my skin, when my nose was bleeding, and every other possible scenario. I trust her with all my life.

She never failed to be there for me whenever I needed anything. She was the most selfless person I knew and I really missed her. I miss her every single day, and I really, really miss her when I get sick because it reminds me how it would be if she was still around.

My sister is the next best thing. She’s becoming a mother figure that my little sister and I look up to. She just accompanied me to the doctor and in that simple gesture, she reminded me of our mom, and then I realized that I’m never truly alone.

It’s too late to beg you not to take my mom away from me. But please. Don’t ever, ever take anyone else in my life. They are all I have.

Wall.

For Tom Hansen, this was the night where everything changed. That wall Summer so often hid behind - the wall of distance, of space, of casual - that wall was slowly coming down. For here was Tom, in her world... a place few had been invited to see with their own eyes. And here was Summer, wanting him there. Him, no one else.

Yeah, we rock this way.

Snippets of discussion after seeing "Inception".

Sis I: "I wonder..is the word 'inception' ever used in real life? What's the verb of 'inception'? To inceive? Usually we use the verb "to conceive"; they have the same meaning."

Me: "Because the movie wouldn't be so cool anymore if it's called "Conception", would it? People would think it's some kind of chick flick about a pregnant woman or something.."

Sis II: "Yeah! And the producers would make the sequel for the movie, called "Contraction."

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.

Broken

And then I felt sad because I realized that once people are broken in certain ways, they can’t ever be fixed, and this is something nobody ever tells you when you are young and it never fails to surprise you as you grow older as you see the people in your life break one by one. You wonder when your turn is going to be, or if it’s already happened.

From somewhere within.

I don't think I will ever understand you but I suppose that's for the best. Maybe I wouldn't feel this way if I can read you like a book. I always like being in control, especially when it comes to my feelings, but right now you're making me wonder. I'm drawing a blank.

There were times when I was sure I wasn't imagining things and that it would be impossible for you not to see it too. And then you turned around and undoed everything.

Everytime we got closer, it was almost like I just met you for the first time and we had to build our relationship all over again.

I wonder if this is just a wall that you try to build to keep people away, but then let me ask you this. Why do you want to keep people away? To be independent?

Loneliness is underrated. There is nothing more hurtful than feeling completely alone.

Even though we all strive to be an independent being, who doesn't want to be loved?

It's alright though for now. I don't mind doing it again and again if that's what you want. I guess there are moments when I feel like it's worth it. You're worth it.

I like me when I'm with you. You remind me how important friendship is. Friendship is the foundation of a relationship, and not the other way around. You remind me how fun it is talking and spending time with friends without worrying about any ulterior motives.

I like my dorky, lame self when I'm with you, because you tell it to my face that I'm being lame. Sometimes at the most unexpected moments, you would look at me and say something sweet that would leave me grinning for days.

But you should know that I value you as a friend more than anything. So nothing's gonna happen, I promise. The next move is yours.

To Summer.

I love how she makes me feel, like anything's possible, or like life is worth it. - Tom.

I can't speak Chinese, now move on.

I have learnt to accept that I'm not gifted when it comes to being Chinese. I wasn't raised in a particularly Chinese culture, and the only Chinese thing I have ever done is probably asking for ang pao during Chinese New Year. But I doubt that counts for much.

The thing is, I'm not in touch with my Chinese heritage, so what? Big deal. I wish people would stop making a fuss about it and just accept the fact that not ALL Chinese-looking people know what yung sheng is, or what Seven Lunar Month represents.

(Honestly, I still have no idea.)

As if I'm not bombarded with a high dose of Chineseness on a daily basis, (if it were a drug, I would have been overdosed) today is a day that one particular Chinese person decided to get on my nerve during lunch.

See, let me give you a little background. My default look these days consist on a clueless, blank, confused and helpless look. It just rotates between these four, so take a pick. Sometimes I don't have any idea what is happening around me or what's being discussed until I have to ask for a translation. Well, to be fair, normally I don't really mind this, because that means that the things they discuss don't really concern me, thus, I don't need to know. And with the amount of work I have these days, well, let's just say that it's a good thing.

Seriously. Sometimes I would fear having clients or office people call me on my mobile because that means something is wrong and in need for my attention. These days I would probably jump in shock or have an extreme anxiety attack everytime my phone rings!

So I'm taking it like a man; being the odd one out.

If I don't even mind being one, then why wouldn't some people just let it rest? Alright, so back to my story. This afternoon during lunch I went down with a colleague of mine. We grabbed a packet of lunch and as I was about to sit, a Chinese person approached and started talking in gibberi..ops, I mean, Chinese.

I looked at him blankly, with the hope that he would be smart enough to read my expression. But of course this would be asking too much. He continued babbling and I let him finish his long sentence before I finally said, "I don't speak Chinese."

He looked at me in amusement and I decided to ignore him, hoping for a peaceful, undisturbed lunch. Apparently this was too much to ask again, because not long after, he approached me again and said, "Oh, oh, where you from? Malaysia? Philippines? Myanmar?"

Can't he see that I was having my lunch? And I had been asked this hundreth of times before that it was really starting to get old.

I gave him a 'shut up' look but he continued mentioning some other country names. So I said, "Indonesia", and went back to face my food although I had lost my appetite. "Oh! Indonesia!" he exclaimed as if I just told him I won a Nobel Prize.

Double sigh. Seriously, he then still had the nerves to ask me why an Indonesian couldn't speak Chinese, and why I looked Chinese in the first place, you know, yada yidi yada, I could already memorize the script by heart.

First, ask where I'm from, then which part of Indonesia, then how come I can't speak Chinese. Man.

You think I failed to see myself in the mirror every morning and realized that yes, I do have slanted eyes, that yes, I am Chinese? I know I am one, but that doesn't automatically mean I can speak the language, and even if it does just by basic assumption, why is it such a big deal when you finally find out that I can't?

At this point, I completely stopped eating, and after less than 15 minutes downstairs, I asked my colleague to just go back upstairs.

In retrospect, I should've just answered "Zimbabwe" or something, when he asked me where I was from. Then maybe he would shut up.

Upstairs, my colleague and I were still talking and she told me a story of what happened a few weeks back. Our office has a unisex restroom which means it is shared by both the men and ladies. Normally, we have to wear our slippers into the bathroom so we would know if someone is inside by the missing pair of slippers outside. This signals that we ought to wait until the person is out, and then we'll get out turn.

Simple enough, right?

See a pair of missing slippers. Means someone is inside. Means, wait and don't come in!

One time, my colleague was inside. You know, being ladies, sometimes we don't just go to the restroom to pee. Sometimes after doing our business, we spend some time examining our face in the mirror, look for any signs of aging (or acne), or silly things like that. But that's our thing, alright? And we should be spared another minute of privacy.

And then suddenly the door barked open and a Chinese guy came in, even though he should have seen that someone was inside. He saw my colleague standing in front of the mirror and asked the dumbest question, "What are you doing?"

At this point as she was telling the story, my colleague yelled in frustration, and she told me that she was this close to actually tell the male colleague to go and f*** himself!

Of course this has nothing to do with him being Chinese, but he happens to be one. And sorry, we can't help it.

Thank You.

Life is partly what we make it, and partly what is made by the friends whom we choose.

The Plan.

Here goes.

2011's New Year's Resolutions:

I will work just as hard this year and the only way to go is up.

I will learn to say 'no'. I read a self-improvement article that when you say 'yes' to other people, at times you are saying 'no' to yourself.

I will remember that happiness is a choice. How you spend a day and how you choose to live your life is in your control.

I will surround myself with friends, and put them as a better priority in my life.

I will go to Hong Kong just like I've been wanting to.

I will visit Europe and immerse myself in an entirely different culture.

I will buckle up and get in shape, and run a marathon.

I will not stop writing.

I will start "A Year in Pictures" project and complete it by the end of the year.

I will continue to weigh 50 kgs and not a pound more.

I will try eating at one of Gordon Ramsay's restaurant because I've been a fan.

I will be creative and learn a new skill. It can be an art class, or maybe I'll learn sailing or driving a powerboat.

And I will continue being me and feeling comfortable in my own skin. I will stop worrying so much about what other people think, and just do things that make me happy. I will have fun and be open to opportunities, possibilities, and chances.

I will not make unrealistic new year's resolutions so these are all. :)

Happy new year, everyone, and I hope 2011 will be kind. ♥

Street Poet

Daydream delusion, limousine eyelash / Oh baby with your pretty face / Drop a tear in my wineglass / Look at those big eyes / See what you mean to me /

Sweet-cakes and milkshakes / I'm a delusion angel / I'm a fantasy parade / I want you to know what I think / Don't want you to guess anymore / You have no idea where I came from / We have no idea where we're going /

Lodged in life / Like branches in a river/ Flowing downstream / Caught in the current / I carry you / You'll carry me / That's how it could be / Don't you know me? / Don't you know me by now?

In a Nutshell.

2010 countdown with Lala, Hong, Arnold, Chandra, Ruz, and Stef.

Catch-up party session at Attica with Stef, Hong and new friends.

Batam Trip.

Saw Oline, my dearest oldest friend from elementary school.

BBQ at Sis’ MIT friends.

I patted a dog.

East Coast cycling and Lil’ Sis learning how to ride a bike.

Spicy buffalo wings at Buckaroo Grill. We made it to Level Six.

I was asked my ID upon ordering beer. Was shamefully mistaken for 16-years old.

Singapore Airshow 2010.

Steamboat with Fullhouse colleagues.

I Love Children event at Tampines.

Wedding fair at Suntec.

Timbre dinner and drinks with Wazzy.

Steamboat at Miu’s.

Catch-up and chill out at Timbre with Nicky and friends.

TGIF with colleagues at Cafe Iguana.

Spent $50 on a cab ride home.

Dyed my hair light brown.

Cous got a new guitar.

San Francisco skyline poster from Todd.

BBQ at Sophia’s.

YOG fever hit Singapore.

Bintan getaway trip.

Beerfest Asia 2010.

Cous’ birthday dinner at Kiseki.

Reunion dinner with colleagues at Imperial Kitchen.

Saturday karaoke with colleagues.

Karaoke with Elsa, Hong, and Albert.

Attica with the crew.

New job interview.

Farewell lunch with colleagues.

New job.

Took up freelance writing work.

Karaoke after work with new colleagues.

Neo Garden’s celebration dinner.

Afterparty at Powerhouse with colleagues.

World Cup fever.

Orange Clove Wedding Workshop.

Shopping Saturday with colleagues.

Le Baroque and Attica with Rachel.

BBQ at office.

Zouk with colleagues.

Wrote book review for a magazine.

Birthday party at Sentosa Cove.

Long weekend with Todd in town.

Marina Bay Sands and Inception with Todd.

Jane’s birthday.

Australia’s International School Dinner and Dance at RSW.

Brewerkz and Attica with Jerine and Rachel.

Met Mike.

Another ladies night at Le Baroque.

Wrote freelance article on National Leaders.

Pulau Ubin cycling trip.

Singles’ Party invitees at Chijmes with colleagues.

Took over Neo Yacht sales.

Mad rush to Food is Life Magazine.

Photoshoot at The Centris.

Ko Wendy’s wedding.

Evening yacht ride.

Wrote freelance article on Geeks Who Make Money.

Movie and Le Baroque with Wazzy and Steffy.

Eileen’s wedding dinner at Grand Copthorne.

French night out with Sam.

Phuket trip with Jerine and Rachel.

Elsa’s in town.

Meet up with ex-colleagues at Penny Black Bar.

Halloween. Being Kat Von D for a night.

Karaoke and catch-up with Stef, Ruz and Sean.

Long overdue catch up with Sophia at Dempsey.

Breakfast buffet at East Coast.

Marketing team dinner at Timbre.

Haute Claire’s first bazaar at Changi Airport.

Christmas Eve at 1-Altitude.

New Year’s Eve with the same people from last year’s countdown.

And here we go again.

2011, what have you got in store for me?

2011, here we go!

Happy New Year, lovers!

I'm on my way to Starbucks at Holland Village to do my freelance work, but I'll write something tonight. :)

Wish me luck!