Sunday, 31 August 2008

Tell me your quirks!

I have my quirks. Things others find odd that only I can appreciate. Ideas and thoughts that pass people's heads but seem to stuck with me. Little qualities that means no more than an itch for some, but bugs me beyond belief.

I get exceptionally high with stationery, I love writing with colorful pens and markers, having racks of organized paper and files and writing schedules on a planner. During my school days, I had this huge fluffy pencil case to store all my pens, I get incredibly determined to have systems whenever I write my notes. This specific color for the titles, subtitles, points, numbers, texts. And sometimes at night I would just lay each pen down and look over them with admiration. Geek alert!

I find it really important to buy a laptop if you like the sound of its keyboards tapping. They make different noises, sometimes it's louder and harder, some give you 'tek' instead of 'tik'. My laptop is a 'tik' and I love it. It bothers me to type in a computer which sound I do not like. Somehow it affects me too much.

I have a thing with people's names. I have images of people and their names and I would think to myself whether they fit. For example, my friend Todd. Tall, gawky, glasses, witty, smart. He's perfect for a Todd. In fact, he's so Todd. He can't be a Chris, or a John, or a Dave. Oh, Dave is so wrong. But he could be a Brian. Brian would suit him too, actually. Although he's still more of a Todd than a Brian.

[please, please, tell me that this is not at all uncommon!]

My sister's quirky this way too. When we're bored, we would start throwing boys' names and tell each other what kind of image comes to mind. Usually we separate it into two kinds, GG or MM. Girls' Guys or Manly Men. Like, we agreed in consensus that Bruce just screams testosterone all over. Definitely MM. Steve too is MM, much more than Stephen. Jack's a MM. Daniel, Christopher and Andrew are so GG.

Hey, I like the name Ethan. It's GG, though.

I can't stand reading a book if I do not like the fonts and if they're too close-knitted together. I love Trebuchet and Georgia, I hate Times New Roman and Arial can be tolerable sometimes. I have my period loving Verdana, but not so much anymore.

I smell my food before I eat, and I like touching the little bottom part behind my ear. I always put one of my leg up in the elevator. And having meal in the livingroom with the TV on is the most underrated pleasure ever.

So I'm sure you have your own quirks too. Join in the odd wagon, but do it with pride!

Saturday, 30 August 2008

Updates and Random Stuffs

So it seems, like things are going tad interesting around here. Well, I'm afraid I'm just gonna start rambling here if I start talking about myself, [notice the self-worshipping quality here? Some have said it's not pretty] so I'm putting writing this off til 2.20 am now when my eyes only have 5 watt left to make sure I keep this to absolute minimum. And absolute minimum I will keep this.
Sorry, I just saw Star Wars II. You know what I mean.
Well, the thing about my US trip is starting to excite me very much! We've gotten the ticket, we had our little plan worked out. I suck at planning but someone's gotta do it, and we've narrowed everything down to 4 cities for our litle travel. [Yes, we've really narrowed it down. I'm proud of us.] We've sacrificed New York and Seattle. And spring break in Miami will have been great. Okay, stop.
Oh! Sis now is a proud Accenture-ion! I see Tony Romas looming ahead! =p
And guys, I thought I would be able to go back next month, I know I've told some friends from back home this, but seems like I have to wait for another year to enjoy homemade cooking. So, sure, I'm dissapointed, but it's not like home is going anywhere, right? Big sigh.
I'm so good at 'big sighing' right now. Bull Shit is so last year, now it's Bigh Sigh. Ha!

Oh! I was so happy to meet I a few days ago, I had so much fun catching up and hanging out with this girl. She'll be going to the states for the classes with me too, I see a lot of crashing at her room prospect for the future!

Hooked on James Morrison's new single 'You make it real' and Lily Allen's 'Who'd have known' now, they just keep playing in my head.

I better go to bed now, tomorrow maybe I'll check out the lantern festival, and there's always my assignment I have yet to finish! Had quite a productive time yesterday though, had a perfect spot in the library to plug and use my laptop, to rest my back and sit comfortably. It was such a bliss, well, until some chinese boys decided to sit right beside me and just couldn't stop yapping. Good if they actually speak good english, at least I can appreciate good command of language. Instead, they were chitchating in chinese, I couldn't stand it! 'Block the outside noises that you don't wanna hear', you say? Well, exactly! Why do you think I kept such an intense concentrated look then? It's not because of the assignment, I'm telling you!

Speaking of going to bed, though, lately I dreamt quite a lot. Perhaps it's something I ate, heck, who knows. Some days back I actually had a dream about going on a date, like a real romantic first date, with an asian boy. Upon waking up, I'm certain that peace in middle east is indeed possible.

Ha! I'm kidding!

Friday, 29 August 2008


I know everything and nothing.

You said that I can't eat love, that above all, I have to think with my senses instead of heart.

You told me not to cut my fingernails at night because that's bad luck.

You taught me how to sew, you finished my sewing project back in elementary because I fell asleep out of exhaustion.

You knew which brand to buy, which medicine to treat my various home sickness.

You pinpoint all the trees name everytime we went on a roadtrip for the weekend.

It seems to me, that you knew everything and with you around, I was sure I could do almost anything.

Yet, despite all the various lessons you have taught me, I'm still hopeless. I realized that, so little stayed with me. I have been taking everything for granted and now I don't know how to learn all these things again.

My green dress was torn a few inches and I couldn't even fix it. I realize, that if you were here, I would have asked for your help, just like you've always altered my jeans all these years. You've taught me that but I didn't care enough to remember, and now I don't know how it works.

I don't know how everything works. And now who am I supposed to ask all these questions to?

Monday, 25 August 2008


I don't think dreams mean a thing. I would laugh in the face of dream interpretation handbooks, not because I'm bitter and cynic, but because I do think it's a bunch of nonsense.

Remember, almost a year ago, a day after the day, people came up to me and asked whether I dreamt about you. I didn't, and they went on talking about how they had dreams about you, so vividly and elaborate. It used to make me feel shitty, they had no right! Who were these people, why were they seeing you and I wasn't?

I found myself getting angry at them but I didn't care. They probably just made everything up for god-knows-what reason. Truth is, I was mad at myself. Dissapointed. I was convinced it was my fault, somehow.

Somewhere along the line, I had a dream or two about you. They left me feeling sad, but if it's the only way that I could see you, or even just remember the feeling of being with you, then I guess I wouldn't mind, I would believe whatever I should believe just for that purpose. Suddenly the concept of nonsense seemed like it could really mean something.

Some nights ago I had another dream. You, me and sis. We were on a mall, and sis was looking for a pair of shoes. She got in a store and started trying on while we were standing there, looking.

You then asked me to accompany you buy finger food at a nearby store. You were craving for curry-puff. Not just any curry-puff, but the best one, Macik's. It was our favorite, comfort food from back home. You knew you're home when there's Macik's curry-puffs on the table.

I circled my arms around yours, I always did that, and you used to complain because my ring would constantly scratch your arm and it hurt. Of course, I would only laugh and say sorry, but keep doing it anyway.

I swear it seemed really real. Your presence, your voice, and your smell. Even for only some minutes under consciousness I swear I saw you. Like no time has passed, like nothing has changed.

I was overwhelmed by sadness when I woke up. Or maybe I should have been grateful. See, I spent some minutes with you. I'm sure we talked, although I can't remember what about now.

Has it really been that long? The date in the calendar says so, although it doesn't feel like it at all. Next September and it will have been a year.

A year? 365 days? No way. If it's a joke, it's not funny.

See, I promise I will be less skeptic. I won't mock Dream Dictionary : An A to Z Guide to Understanding Your Unconscious Mind anymore. I swear.

Just, don't leave. I really miss you.

Friday, 22 August 2008


Just got back from Majestic bar, the place was great! [I'm not biased!] Thanks for showing us around, boss!

As for now, I think I need my beauty sleep! Tomorrow I have the US briefing, the real one this time, hopefully plans can be made afterwards! I'm still so excited 'bout the grand voyage, ehem.

Good night, everyone!

Wednesday, 20 August 2008

I'm a lover, not a fighter, remember?


See, at first I thought I had the upper hand. I was more nonchalant, less needy. As time goes by, I was promised rainbows and butterflies, and I started allowing myself to dream, to trust.

But I'm not the one who changed. You had a change of heart. Turns out, what weren't issues before, are problems now. And you need to resolve them first before considering where I could stand, or whether I would have a place to fit at all.

I respect that, but I wish you could have thought about everything first before you convinced me anything. Because now I feel cheated.

But, hating requires energy and I have too much on my hand to worry about that too.

So I wish you all the best, I hope you'll finally decide what's good for you. I want you to know that I did love you, I said that a lot and I meant it.

Tuesday, 19 August 2008

"Project: Writing" underway!

Well, so I was on the chat with [caud], and he was complaining about the numerous things he wanted to do, but hasn't gotten around to actually putting words into action. [boy, don't I know it.] Learning spanish and chinese was one, [or two], and at the time we were actually thinking of learning it together. [Chinese, not spanish! Que pasa?] Already picked up a book, even.

Well, add that up to the list of 'my unaccomplished plans'! Tell you, that list is getting way too long!

As pathetic as it might sound, we decided that learning another foreign language may not be as easy as we initially hoped for [yeah, we were young and naive then.] We simply lack the motivation and commitment. Ha! I know that's my problem!

So moving along from the mission impossible, we tried to come up with a more realistic plan, one which we can actually do, for starters. "I really need to start writing again," he mentioned casually during our last conversation.

And that's it! Writing! I mean, it's not much hassle, it doesn't require a text book and it's actually enjoyable! Besides, 'writing more' has been on top of my to-do list since I thought more seriously about becoming a writer. Which must have been a few years now. Unfortunately, aside from filling up this blog with insignificant craps of my daily mundane life, I haven't been honing my writing skill much. [wrote a few short stories here and there but they were still left unfinished.]

So it's nothing fancy, this plan hopefully would fuel our motivation to write more, and with different topics regularly. He wants to start literaturing again [I'm pretty sure that word doesn't exist], and I need to un-laze myself [that, too], so it seemed equally beneficial for the both of us. We'll set up a domain where both of us can easily submit our writings every week, and we get to read, comment, mock, bitch and pity each other's essays. [Kidding, we're civilised people.]

As for the topics, we may decide on it together, or maybe we'll take alternate turn choosing it. Either way, we'll have different topics every week and we can't miss the deadline, otherwise some heads will roll. No! We'll keep counts for the appropriate punishment! Not like we intend to slack! We're commited!

We'll start this project soon, 'cos he's in the process of moving out so we'll wait 'til he gets settled in his new place and everything. I'll give some updates on this and you're much welcomed to be a part of it! Afterall, sharing is good, right? :)


On my last interview, I was asked whether I've written something from another person's shoes. The question startled me, but what's even more unnerving is the fact that I suddenly realized that no, I have not. At least, not entirely. It's not that I'm way too self-centered, but I don't know, just like Ethan Hawke said in Before Sunset, "Isn't everything autobiographical?"

I found that there is always a part of you in every writing, no matter how fictional the 'story' is. Or maybe I haven't been putting myself out there enough, you know?

Sunday, 17 August 2008

The time is [almost] here

This is an important point in our lives, my sister's, my friends', myself included. We are on the edge of making big decisions regarding our future, and whereas my sister is facing it right now, I will soon follow, approximately in six months. The prospect is scary, we are always afraid of the unknown. The possibility that everything is wide open, that for once in our lives we get to choose the path we wish to follow instead of tagging along on the conveyor belt.

Since we were little, we knew where we were supposed to go, there was no need for any questions asked, doubts questioned, or decisions made, for that matter. Maybe our decision-making skill has been too rusty that the exact idea of actually practising it in real life is somewhat unnerving.

We may make good choice, or we may not, the thing is, we won't find that out for some time. Actions have to be made first, before anyone can point it to be a mistake. The thing is, when it comes to finding the 'right' jobs, what's the measurement?

I guess, I'm just scared that my job would define me. And as we go along, we keep telling ourselves that we mean more than just our work, that we have social lives and other activities, even though we find ourselves having conference calls on a Sunday morning, or in sudden shortage of friends because we can't seem to catch up.

“I hate my job,” a friend told me one time, “but you gotta do what you gotta do.”

In this case, there are plenty more out there represented. I have heard it so many times that now the very idea of 'job' is out there on the same league with 'maggot' and 'faggot'. You can't help but cringe.

That's what we keep hearing, and we don't wanna be like one of them. But perhaps this image is simply overrated.

I had this discussion with my former boss when I decided to quit my last job. I told him that I don't want to have a job which I hate, that I want to go home at 7 o'clock every night and not think about dozens of different things I have to finish at work.

“It's really up to you,” he smiled knowingly, “if you want a five, six-figure salary, then you have to work harder, but know that you will have the upper standard of living, you can afford things that you want, and you can live well comfortably.”

“But, it's really okay if you don't want any of that. If you're satisfied with four-five thousand dollars every month, then you can go home at 7 every night and you can not worry about work on weekends. If you really don't mind with that life, then fine, be content.”

So I guess, it goes both ways. I mean, these people who admit of hating their jobs, would they walk away from it? No. Because when it comes down to it, they hate their jobs the same way as they love their lifestyle as a result of them.

Afterall, words are cheap.

Saturday, 16 August 2008


Face it, break-ups are hard.

When I broke up with my first boyfriend, consensus agreed that we were better off as friends, so we parted and bidded goodbye. It was an innocent and young relationship, we realized it was nothing more than excess hormones and perfect timing. [He was 21, lonely and in need for someone to talk at night, I was 17, lonely and in need for someone to talk to at night, we made the perfect match, or so we thought.] Of course, finally we found out that being together takes a lot more than just paying phone bills. It was probably the most civilized break-up anyone could ever have, yet it still felt...bad.

Relationships that followed afterwards were more complicated, and we parted in much less friendliness. I was the kind who could never stick around for too long, and break-ups were inevitable. Even when the former male-companions already meant no more to me than just symbols of comfort, it was still awful breaking up. And the truth is, they were something, and probably even everything, once upon a time.

It's the concept of being close to someone one day, and then suddenly nothing on the next. It's the transition, the shift, the change that everyone, including me, is still struggling to handle. Even when the feeling is no longer there, the sudden nonexistant presence of another human being could still very much leave you cold.

Getting together with someone doesn't mean it's a happy ending. Prince Phillip and Princess Aurora got together, the film may have stopped rolling, but if it were to continue, maybe they would have parted by now, because Prince Phillip cheated with the maid, or their communication broke down, or because Princess Aurora had to live somewhere far to entertain the animals and long distance just didn't work for them. Who knows?

What I'm saying is, breaking-up is just a process in life. Just like, birthdays and graduations. It's part of growing up because I learn that one knows a little more about herself after another scenario of failed relationship. And although it seems so hard at the time, it's not the end of the world. You'll realize that the sun still shines and everything. [in complete contrary of that old song – it's a depressing song, isn't it?]

Another problem about breaking-up is how blurry the nature of the relationship between two people becomes. Two people who were used to be so close, and then what? Are they still allowed to communicate? Even when the idea of going back to being just friends is so out-there [so out-there that it couldn't be happening in one's lifetime], but surely they still mean something to each other? Of course, in most cases we would only admit this in the comfort of a private diary, close friends, and random slurring over tequila. I guess that's what's really sad about it all. Sometimes it really has to be all-or-nothing.

But, we all move on. As cliche as it might sound, time does heal the wounded heart. Some of my girlfriends admitted to feeling suicidal after breaking-up with their boyfriends [the old song was very appropriate then], but given some time, now they're more than okay, ready to take another leap of faith. That's the thing, we should never be afraid to fall in love again.

I just broke up with my boyfriend recently, and I spent days swooning over the phone, hoping for a sign that perhaps I made a mistake, perhaps there was another way. It took me weeks to finally come in terms that, we have nothing to say to each other anymore. And it's sad, really sad.

“Embrace it, you need to hurt. But just know you're gonna come out the other end stronger,” a friend told me, and I hold his advice dearly. We are special, every one of us. We just need someone who knows that, who knows why we do the things we do. And obviously our exes couldn't. So leave it at that, don't loathe yourself.

So, take our time to be sad. Afterall, it is supposed to hurt, but after everything is said and done, we will be okay.

Wednesday, 13 August 2008

Rants and Pies

[imagine myself saying it]

Hey people! What's up? What's new? Where'd you go? What'cha doing? Well, I'm just gonna rant for a bit here, it's 5 pm on a Wednesday evening and oh my gosh, there really isn't anything else on tv besides the Olympics! Don't get me wrong, I'm all for the spirit, go-team! High-five! Viva team Singapore and all that! But what happened to my daily dose of Ellen, or Tyra (since they replaced it a while ago), or should I say Oprah just to sound less bimbotic? Or my Entertainment Tonight to keep up with my celebrity gossip news? Now everyday it's volleyball, swimming, badminton, table tennis, I mean, why can't they put one special channel for that, so fanatics can see it 24/7 for all I care, but for the rest of us, commoners, we still want our daily fix of talk shows and juicy dramas, don't we?

In a totally unrelated news, I've been slacking big time! I have this assignment I should start working on, but I'm still yet too dilligent to make the first move, you know, start opening microsoft word and stuff? Instead, I've been seeing Gilmore Girls again on the net and some episodes of The O.C. earlier today, like, so totally unproductive. I promise I will start soon enough, though, yes, but don't hold me accountable, after all, 'soon' is subjective, ha!

What else, what else. Planning to hit the stage tonight [stage=restaurant/coffee place/bar/club/hawker/whatever else we're in the mood for], so mistery mistery! [yeah, right, like anyone cares]. But hey, yesterday I finally saw The Mummy. If this was a train, I must have been at the last compartment, or perhaps I would have been the one running after it, since I was so late, SO late catching it. Everyone else has seen the movie like, since prehistoric times, and only yesterday I managed to join in the fun. So yes, the review wasn't that good, but still, I don't wanna be the one everyone refers to as 'the girl who hasn't seen The Mummy'! 'Cos that would just downgrade me to the lowest of the food chain.

So when G texted me and asked me out for a movie, eventhough it was cloudy outside and the thunder was loud enough to scare all living things away, I couldn't say no. God knows it probably was my last chance to not be 'that girl'.

Verdict? Well, yes, so the story was a complete wuss. But it was entertaining! And very funny in some parts, like the cow which was in the plane? God, I was like, 'what the hell is that cow doing in the plane?' Eh, was it even cow? Whatever, but then I just started laughing and so G started laughing too and we were hysterical. Ah, and the part when General Ming and his troops were awakened? GOD! They were skinny as hell! I mean, okay, they were skeletons so they were supposed to be skinny, but it was funny as crap! It's like soldiers who haven't been fed for months! It's not even cool anymore, and plus, some of their body parts were missing! And they were running to battle with half a hand, skinny somemore, and it was just hilarious! At least Jet Li's troops were still cool-ish. The Ethiopian soldiers with various body parts missing? Not so much. But it makes good funny stuff, like I said, it's not that bad.

So! You've probably seen the pictures already, yeah, I went to see Disney on Ice last weekend and it was my second time seeing it, the first being Finding Nemo and now it's High School Musical. Plus side is I knew all the songs by heart so it was so much fun singing along and kinda dancing in my seat, so maybe I'm just biased cos I think they didn't really tell the story that good. It was just so brief, and well, realize that this is a musical, so perhaps they did just focus on the songs.

But nevertheless, it was a lot of fun and the turnout was impressive too, seems like every seat was taken and by second half everyone was in the hype, screaming and singing along. It was great, so were other things I did that night. Again, you probably have seen all the pictures.

So pretty much I've just been leisuring around, but that's not all I do! I have an interview next week to prove it, ha! Although, it has been a while and I fear I'm getting rusty. So I don't wanna have too much expectation.

Oh, sod it! I have such high expectation I would mope around for days if I don't get it!

Nah, kidding.


2.48 am

Just got back from Velvet, Zouk! It was just me and babe, but it still was such a lot of fun! I mean, two is all we need, right? And I'm writing this now, feeling kinda lightheaded, and I know I should be sleeping soon! Tutorial, yes, there is tutorial tomorrow! I need to sleep! NOW!

So, I will post the pictures from tonight pretty soon, and hope you guys all have a good day too. I haven't reached my quota yet of being bimbotic, right? I should have at least 10 more bimbotic posts!

I'm starting to see double now! Sleep sleep sleep, I need sleep! Good night , people!

[caud], for reminding me...

I am just like you because everyone is afraid they're too difficult.

We are humans because we have our own little idiosyncrasies and weird traits.

We know there is no use regretting, or worrying, except we're human and are gonna do both of them anyway.

I have my flaws, but that's what makes me me.

Everyone wants to be happy, but it takes time to reach that point, to be totally zen that way.

I'm not alone when I fear loneliness, everyone does too.

'Embrace it, you need to hurt, but just know you're gonna come out the other end stronger."

Sacrifice - is it even about that? It's all about caring and understanding, is it not?

Everyone's bound to hit a temporary slow down, and self-loathing isn't gonna solve anything.

We just need someone who knows us, who knows why we do the things we do, we kept telling ourselves we're complicated, but we're just us, whatever.

We could all be more personable, more attractive, more intelligent, but fuck, I love being me, and that's the key stone.

Friday, 8 August 2008

It's OK

"Let me give it to you straight: I'm no peach. If I'm just too much, me with my chewed-up heart and my restless ghosts, the bizarre adornments of my soul, my dogged memory and reckless ways, then that's alright. That's okay."

Sunday, 3 August 2008

August Rush

I miss you.

As simple as that. No more acting tough, I don't want to pretend unaffected anymore. I really, really do miss you. And I hate you, for the things you made me go through.