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Sunday, 12 August 2007

Lost. And I Wish I Care.

When I looked back at how I was last year, I don't think I would see this coming. Somehow life just doesn't seem to go according to plan, somehow shits just managed to happen no matter how hard we tried to prevent it. And it sucks. It sucks that all this things are beyond your control and there's just so much you can do. Even if I get to fly to the moon and back, it still wouldn't make a difference. And I hate myself for losing faith, I've always been proud to be someone who believes, but I feel myself slowly dissolve, fade away. And I can't stop it, it's just the way it is. I get angry, and I have noone to blame but my own faith. Because what, it says that if you wish hard enough, somehow you'll get what you want? And I think back at how much, how hard we all have wished, but what's the use? It didn't make a damn difference. And when you're slowly evaporating, the less and less you care.

I know, it's not something I'm quite proud of, but that's just it. I can't be bothered anymore. Why pretend and fool yourself, always wishing but ends up getting dissapointed over and over again?

And a friend said, "You have to be patient. It's an unfortunate incident. Everything will be okay." I'm sorry, but you just don't get it. You're trying to console me, but that just pisses me off more. Unfortunate incident, you say? Unfortunate incident happens once or twice, but this? More like epidemic! And we're just tired, see. We're fucking exhausted. What, to keep wishing? Maybe wishing-and-getting-what-you-want only happens in fantasy. Either way, I don't care.

That's the thing about future, you'll never know. Last year I wouldn't have thought this would still be happening. But then again, maybe last year we've all been too preoccupied by other shits at hand as well. If you asked me last year how I imagined my future, I would probably have answered, "Well, I'll be having a great job I enjoy so much doing, my good friends will all still be there, and my big extended families will see me getting hitched." Oh well, or something like that. But see, maybe I was just being naive. Because so many things have happened and there's just no perfect endings anymore. Good, maybe, but not perfect. And I've already seen it! I don't have to be in the future, I don't have to be in the position where you can look at what you've got at the moment, and things in the past, and say 'so these are the things that are missing..' or 'this is not quite what I had imagined' or even 'you know, I used to have this, but now I don't..' I don't need to be in the future to analyze what I'm missing, because I can tell you that right now! I don't have to be there, calculating the goods and bads, hoping something would be different or having things to regret because even now, I know. I know already that future isn't what I've always pictured. And probably that serves as a good kick, reminding me to be realistic, to not live in fantasy. Maybe.

It's not that I won't care about how my life will be like anymore. And I will keep hoping in the back of my mind, that at least, a near-perfect ending is still possible. But at the same time, it prepares me, to see things I didn't see before, facts that I have never accounted for. Grandma's passing is one of them. It's something I never thought possible, or reckoned, and it will be something I will always regret.

I'm not looking for sympathy, or those sad looks that said 'you poor little thing'. I feel that I need to write this, because if I said this to anyone, I will get that look. And I don't want to tell anyone else that I'm losing faith only to get 'don't say like that. You will get a sign, you will believe again.' And that look. Because they don't understand, they think I'm a lost little sheep and that all I need is a direction to get me back home, and maybe yes, maybe I am lost and maybe I just need something to make me believe again. The thing is, I'm not sure what that something is. I find it easier to be angry and to take every blow as if life just sucks sometimes and that I have no control over the shits that happened, than to keep wishing and wishing and the results would have still be the same.

I'm sorry, if I knew that if I give charity to beggars, my unfortunate incidents would stop, or even, just happening slower, you bet I would do it every single month for as long as it takes. If I have to forgive all mistakes people have made on me just to make everything better, I will. I really will. But no, right? No matter how much we've tried, in the end it just seems useless. And that makes me lose it. I really don't believe anymore. And even I know it's sad. I don't want me to not believe, but it's just the way it is.

Maybe I've seen this all wrong, maybe I'm just stupid and bitter and negative. Maybe there is an explanation, maybe my perspective is crappy, maybe if you were me, you could still make it good somehow, maybe you will even believe more, maybe you will say that there are still other people less fortunate and that you are still lucky and whatever. I don't know. I don't know whether I'm right or wrong, because I'm too tired to figure that out. All I know is this is how I feel and if I'm wrong then let it be.

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Quotes

There's a hundred million different ways of writing, and it takes you a long time to sort through that stuff. And I think it takes anyone a long time to find a voice.

You must learn to take the good with the bad, the happy with the sad, love what you’ve got and remember what you had. Learn to forgive, but never forget, learn from your mistakes but never regret. People change and things go wrong, but you just have to remember that life goes on.

The day before I’m supposed to be meeting Caroline for a drink, I develop all the textbook symptoms of a crush: nervous stomach, long periods spent daydreaming, an inability to remember what she looks like. I can bring back the dress and the boots, and I can see her bangs, but her face is a blank.

I don't know, I think that if I could just accept the fact that my life is supposed to be difficult. You know, that's what to be expected, then I might not get so pissed-off about it and I'll just be glad when something nice happens.

I can see now I never really committed to Laura. I always had one foot out the door, and that prevented me from doing a lot of things, like thinking about my future and... I guess it made more sense to commit to nothing, keep my options open. And that's suicide. By tiny, tiny increments.

There's a big fucking world out there. It's messy, and it's chaotic, and it's never, never ever the thing you'd expect. It is ok to be scared, but you cannot allow your fears to turn you into an asshole, not when it comes to the people that love you, the people that need you.

Maybe what I'm saying is, is the world might be evolving the way a person evolves. Right? Like, I mean, me for example. Am I getting worse? Am I improving? I don't know. When I was younger, I was healthier, but I was, uh, whacked with insecurity, you know? Now I'm older and my problems are deeper, but I'm more equipped to handle them.

I am nothing special; just a common man with common thoughts, and I've led a common life. There are no monuments dedicated to me and my name will soon be forgotten. But in one respect I have succeeded as gloriously as anyone who's ever lived: I've loved another with all my heart and soul; and to me, this has always been enough.

Later that day I got to thinking about relationships. There are those that open you up to something new and exotic, those that are old and familiar, those that bring up lots of questions, those that bring you somewhere unexpected, those that bring you far from where you started, and those that bring you back. But the most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you can find someone to love the you you love, well, that's just fabulous.

A woman needs to be held, even, and science has shown this, if its with someone she doesn't care about. Protective hormones are released, and the amount of hormones released depends on the degree to which she is held. The first and best is the complete surround. He wraps you in both arms, whispers how beautiful you are. Second best is the 'arm around.' He is next to you but with one arm around you. Third is he's just next to you on his elbow, but he rests his hand on your stomach and looks at you. Fourth is you snuggling up to him with your head on his chest, while he looks away into space. But when the first best happens, you feel completely, wonderfully like a woman.

So, so what, so fuck off, go home, leave you alone? I'll tell you something Paul, there isn't anything that I've wanted for eighteen years, cause I was a kid eighteen years ago. And if I did still want the same things I'd think I'd gone wrong somewhere, because actually I don't want to marry David Cassidy, I don't want bigger tits, I don't want to do better on my marks. I've stopped worrying about that kind of thing and maybe you should try.

Well maybe there's a big bit of you that's gone missing somewhere, maybe everyone should want something they've always wanted.

Why is it that adults aren't supposed to go mad about anything? You gotta keep a lid on it. And if you don't then people are apparently entitled to say what they like. "You haven't grown up. You're a moron. Your conversation is trivial and boorish. You can't express your emotional needs. You can't relate to your children." And you die, lonely and miserable. But you know, what the hell, every cloud has a silver lining.

I just woke up one morning and didn't feel the same way. Where did it go? It was like there had been a lot of food on a plate in front of us, and we ate it all really quickly, and then there was nothing left. Maybe that's how couples stay together: they're not greedy. They know that what they have in front of them has to last a long time, so they kind of pick at it. I hope it's not like that, though. I hope that when people are happy together, it feels as though someone keeps piling seconds and thirds on their plates.

That is what I have learned: Sex is destructive. Love is nothing to be fooled with. I learned that I was dangerous, not to be trusted. I wondered if my parents were right, with all of their stiff lovelessness. Maybe they knew better. My parents don't dole out love for the deserving or the undeserving. I was learning that love could cost me.

You could say all you liked about reason and logic and common sense and imagination, but when the chips were down, the one skill you needed was the ability to think about absolutely nothing whatsoever.

There is a comfort in never making an effort, but it's a lonely comfort. What keeps you going is the knowledge that you're only playing with only four cards showing. But when you see other people succeeding with their mediocre hands, you have to make a decision. If you turn over that final card you're certain of victory, but it also means you have nothing in reserve.

I’d gone through life believing in the strength and competence of others; never in my own. Now, dazzled, I discovered that my capacities were real. It was like finding a fortune in the lining of an old coat.

Maybe we all live life at too high a pitch, those of us who absorb emotional things all day, and as mere consequence we can never feel merely content: we have to be unhappy, or ecstatically, head-over-heels happy, and those states are difficult to achieve within a stable, solid relationship.