Monday, 22 October 2007

Auf Wiedersehen

I feel like I should write something important here, but I can't think of anything to say. I don't know why I'm getting emotional out of a sudden.

As usual, my packing has been going really, really slow, and I foresee I'll just start acting like somebody caught me on fire tomorrow (me, going back and forth, putting things on the bag, remembering something, going to the bathroom, putting something again, going out to the living room, stopping in the kitchen, grabbing something, putting something in, mentally kicking myself for forgetting other things,..and probably I'll just end up in the bed again because of near panic attack and extreme exhaustion.)

I'm still not sure as when I'm going back here again, but I kinda don't want to worry about that now. And I'm getting seriously sleepy although it's just 9.30. This must be a record.

So, with that said, here is a nice song I grew to really like. It's an Indonesian song I accidentally listened to this afternoon and I thought it sounded really nice. It makes me feel sad whenever I listen to it, maybe it's the melody, maybe it's the lyric, most likely it's the combination of both. Just as long as you don't pay too much attention to the lead singer. =p

See the video here

Goodnight everyone, and catch you later soon:) *hugs*

Sunday, 21 October 2007

Big Chunks of Missing Shame

I am officially pride-less. There you go, my dignity, flied away, swayed by the wind. In fact, I was right there, watching it scattered around the ground where I stood, apparently my pride is only worth of a tampon.

Maybe I was missing my shame gene when I was born, maybe it was cut and thrown away together with my belly-button-line (huh?), wait, wait, perhaps it was preserved, saved in a bottle marked 'Baby X's Shame' for purpose of future study, I don't know, but it's obviously non-existent within me.

In high school, during languange class, each group was supposed to send one representative up in front of the class to do a bit of sharing. Yeah, they said sharing. To me, it was more like self-humiliation. 'Which poor child shall we traumatize for life next?' It might as well be the title of the class. So, guess who did my group pick to be put into charade for all to cheer on?
a) me, b) me, me, me c) gullible little me d) I said, me!

Well, during that time, I didn't even have time to protest, or to voice my deep angst or complaints of the world's unfairness, the next thing I knew I was up there, looking down at all 36 of my classmates, literally, (cos of course it wasn't enough just to humiliate you, but they made you stand up in the stairs to further bruise you for self-mortification) and I was supposed to entertain these strangers (because we had no blood-connection whatsoever) and tell them stories on my embarrassing experience.

Momentarily I paused, stopped to think and came out empty. There was no interesting experience I could really think of, except this certain incident which happened like, a week before. In that split second, I decided, 'ah sod it, I will tell them this story even though it will cost me my womanly dignity!' See how much of a team-player I was? I was practically and volunteraly rising up to the ocassion just to make sure my group got good mark! Okay, honestly, I wasn't that heroic at all, I was concerned about my grade too, c'mon.

Anyway, I didn't want to go into details as what I actually talked about up there in the class, but let's just say that it had more or less something to do time of the month, guys, aerobic movements, oblivion, and a lot of blood.

Since then on, everyone would gasp everytime they heard the story, because they just couldn't believe I picked that above all experiences! I mean, they thought surely I had more normal humiliating incidents I could talk about, like maybe, falling down the stairs, tripping in heels on a first date, choking ungracefully in a 5-stars hotel or..whatever, you know? Well, sure, I'm certain I had other embarrassing events other than that particular woman-period, such as hmm, that one time when I pissed in the public place? Or when I threw up in restaurant, perhaps? Would you rather listen to those?

I have to assure you that it wasn't my fault I got this shameless, you gotta blame my doctor, or at least the pediatrician for bottling my shame gene! One good thing about the whole experience was, I got the highest mark in class, hahaha! (I don't know if I should cry or laugh, actually)

With that said, let's get back to present tense, shall we? I was just telling a bit of background on the whole shameless episode, and how I could get until this point now. Not really a journey full of innocence, laughter, joy, and bliss, is it?

Yesterday I went out with my friend for dinner, movie, music and drinks and I had to say, it was one great night, it might have just been perfect if this did not happen. The story goes like this. I was already reaching Taka when I realized uhm.. my neighbor has come. Damn it, my friend came soon after so I haven't had time to buy some bread to entertain the neighbor. (is this sentence full of metaphore or what?!) At first, I was just casually acting as if nothing happened and we proceed to Ichiban Boshi for our dinner. But nearing the end of it, I knew that I had to do something about this, I couldn't just let it be, you know? And there was no way I could do anything without letting my friend know.

"Um...hey..can I confess something?"
"Yeah, what?" he asked, probably thinking I would just about to say 'I'm still hungry'.
"Um, it's kinda embarrassing.."
Now he was listening. "What?"
Oh damn it, might as well go ahead with it.
"This is my time of the month..." I silently whispered.
"Ohh.." he was unsure what to say.
"And I wasn'" I continued licking my wound.
"Ohh...oookay...and??" now it was officially awkward.
"I need to go to convenient store to buy is the nearest?"
"Uh..maybe Cheers at Cine since we're about to go there too, right?"
"....Yeah, talked about bad timing. I just realized it when I was here."
"...Yeah, so I was just putting in some tissues.."
"......................................................umm...tissue, great. Tissue is great."
"...Yeah, it is.."
"...Let's get the hell outta here."
"Practically gone."

OMG! Why?! Why?! Why?! Why did I get so stupid? Why did I even have to mention about bloody tissues?! Oh thank God, he is one of my closest friend so the level of humiliation wasn't as fatal as if I was with a hot date or something. I might as well stab myself, put some salt into it, lick my own wound and...oh shit, that is a really disturbing image.

So afterwards, we walked to Cine as planned, and I got so discomforted until I almost strangled the guy who stopped us in the middle of the street to fill in some questionnaires. Didn't he see that I was practically grimacing, sneering, scowling, frowning, grinning all in one time?!

When we almost reached, something odd happened. There were many guys dressing in red scattering around the street, and passing some packages to the passers-by. Well, it wasn't an unusual sight in Orchard Road, so I thought it must have just been some brochures or product samples which we would never use anyway. But when one handed me the package, I simply accepted, feeling more than ready to mock and make fun of anything it'd turn out to be.

My friend grabbed it from my hand, and read the words on the package loudly.

WARNING! (in unbelieveably big bold capital letters)
You may not remember that
you are having your period.

....and inside were two packs of...tampon.


He couldn't stop laughing, I couldn't stop sneering while mentally blushing, kicking myself, hypervilenting, grasping for air, and ....... (free insertions here)

And that was when, I blantantly, clearly, unmistakenly saw my dignity, my remaining dignity, fly away to Timbuktu.

I ended up not buying those from Cheers, but I felt like I should hide there, say...I don't know..try, forever?????!!!!!!???!!!

Really, how awfully embarrassing could the day get?!!?!

I have the overwhelming urge to QUICKLY CHANGE THE SUBJECT now!!! Well, the end we saw another chinese movie called 'Brothers' and surprisingly I liked it! Yeah well Andy Lau played in it, but he wasn't the leading role, maybe he is getting old, uhm, I really like the 'big brother' character but he ended up dead so it was sad, uhm, yeah..I really don't know what I'm saying..After the movie, I actually wanted to see another foreign movie, there's this one which looked really interesting, it's called 'The Italian', but my friend wasn't up for it, that was when I missed my sister cos she's as crazy about movie as me so if only I were with her, she would have gladly agreed to have round two!

We just finally listened to Cats in E Cradle playin' at IndoChine while having some drinks.

I didn't know what I was doing but I just took the picture of the candle with no apparent reason.

...and took one with my friend, but my phone had this bad camera night quality, I had to edit it myself and just give some effects cos it looked worse otherwise.

All in all, the day went good, despite some major, uhm, embarrassing flaws.

I had this major, major cold since yesterday, and literally throughout the day until this second I can't stop sneezing, I keep having running nose, I have to constantly blow it, it's just awful. Maybe it's the lack of sleep, I don't know, but I feel so sick. Already bought Panadol cold last night but I haven't seen any significant effect. I hate being sick, and now my throat is painful if I swallow too.

I don't want to come home and be sick! I hope this will get better soon. Last night I had to sleep with the air-con set at 25 degrees and it was literally room-temperature so it wasn't cold, or even cool at all, in fact, it was a bit warm but I had to bear with it cos I didn't want to constantly wake up during the night with blocked nose.

My flight is in two days, eh, actually, just slightly more than a day. I have mix feeling about it. I'm looking forward to see everyone again back home but it's hard, you know. I feel like I want to hide here forever, like, I just don't wanna deal. I don't know, I feel awful.

Sorry. Hey, I better take off and hopefully I can write again soon. I don't think I'll be writing much once I'm home, no internet connection and all.

TIl then, keep your shame, ha!

Thursday, 18 October 2007

Sucker for wordcrafters

I have a thing for writers. Major, utter admiration and new-found respect for all writers out there. Okay, so my dream has always been to be a writer so call me biased. After all, a person is not a person if not possessing good judgement. I think it's wonderful enough that someone can write, but I gotta give it more to those who although already have enough supervicial qualities (looks, wealth, fame), still refuse to settle with just that.

John Cusack, Ethan Hawke and Steve Martin, just to mention a few. I think these people are just amazing. Do you even know that aside from acting, directing, and swimming with money, (I imagine their bed to be crafted by gold, their spoons are made from real elephant trunks, their plates from purest silver, I am dramatic) they also write books and movie screenplays? I am such a sucker for writers, end of story.

I think I'd die of happiness if one day I would be able to write for my living. Just the image of seeing my name printed out in a publication is almost making me lightheaded and dizzy with pride. Okay, I'm totally drooling. Snap out of it!

So. Yesterday was the last day of my philosophy class and that's it, no more Aristotle, Antigone, Creon, Oedypus, Socrates, Plato, no more 'theory of pleasure', 'terror of history', 'realist thesis', 'utilitarianism', no more 'how can you tell for certain that what you see is real', no more 'what if the evil demon is deceiving us' ! Finally I'm back to the superficial life.

Things have been pretty mundane in my life. Two days ago I had sushi buffet (which I had to skip half of the class for, because I was literally incapable of digressing words, the image of sushi just kept dancing in my eyes and I couldn't take it anymore, I had, and I mean, I had to leave. The circumstances left me with no choice but to pursue this craving, oh I smell a drama-queen alert?!)

I don't have much of a break, though, cos tomorrow is another exam, different subject, but exam, nevertheless. Fortunately the material isn't that difficult, the only thing I gotta learn is the rules in writing in APA styles, you know, how to state the right numerals, titles, places, abbreviation, all sorts of technical things. I suppose it shouldn't be too hard.

Okay, before I go, look what I just found in my friend's friendster!

This is like..I don't know, a million, no, zillion years ago????!! Okay, I'm exaggerating, I think it's just one and a half year ago but it felt like forever! I looked so different, terrible, almost. I really miss them.

Tuesday, 16 October 2007


I hate when it's raining too hard because of one and only reason. I am not the most balanced person on the planet. I trip far too easily for a single human being.

Today, I almost slipped twice in the wet pavements.
I guess you can say it's still okay as long as there's no one in sight to witness me in all that glory.
I tripped in front of two guys on my way home.

Holy shit! Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!
My mind was repeating the word over and over again while I was trying so hard to regain my composure and collect all my remaining dignity up from the hard concrete floor. There wasn't much left.

I hate, just hate making a complete beejezus fool out of myself.

My day is so dull it never fails to give me materials to blog about.

I've been exhausted all weekend! And I would tell you why, except that I don't think I should. See, I've been studying really hard. Okay, let me just tell you that my test, in case you failed to remember, was today. This afternoon, that is, now it's almost two in the morning. Well, just to get straight to the point - which is the test itself, not the studying process because it would be extremely boring and bear no importance to you whatsoever, I'm sure you would still be dateless even if I had been studying or not, so why would you care, correct? Ha, I'm kidding, of course. Anyway, at the very least I managed to borrow a book about Aristotle, which although, wasn't exactly the right textbook, was close enough, I mean, they are all about Aristotle, how different can they be? Right? Probably it was the smartest move on my side, thou, because see, the required textbook itself is so thick you'd have headache just looking at it, let alone reading it. I'm telling you this, I wouldn't be here if I have read the entire contents of that book! I'd be somewhere in the autistic school or something. At least the book I borrowed from the library was thin. Anorexic-book, I called it. It was so thin it actually was titled 'a very short introduction on Aristotle'. Seriously. A very short. Ah yeah, I've noticed. But like I said, it was all good, I'm not exactly phych to find out details about the guy anyway, such as his favorite fast food or his childhood crush. So, I'm perfectly fine with the very short introduction part. Ah, and when it came to the test itself, the book has proven to be very helpful cos it already presented summary of his theory, so all I gotta do was read the chapter about it, and bullshitted my way out of the paper. No, I mean, wrote it, mind you. After the test ended, or rather, after I managed to generate magically 2 full-writen papers, I just found out that the test actually accounted for twenty five percents of our final mark.

Oh holy cow. Maybe I should've not depended my life on that anorexic book!

Long story short, I think it wasn't my proudest accomplishment. Tomorrow we're supposed to be given back the paper, fully graded, and well, let's just say that I'm not exactly beaming with confidence.

After the dreaded paper, we still studied for another hour or so, learning about the realist theory or something like that. Hey, I'm pretty sure it was that! I was in the class, okay! Sure, I might have been daydreaming a little bit, but I assure you, I was still listening. I guess. I must have been. I should have been. Right? Well, this particular theory is somewhat a bit confusing too because it deals with the concept of reality - what is reality, actually? Is it made up by our subjective experiences? If yes, then what is the real reality? How can we be certain of our own knowledge? How do we know, that what we think, is real? How do we even know, that we're living this world and experiencing these things for real? Not just some sort of life-projector someone out there is pulling on us?

I mean, I have troubles enough dealing with things that I know, I don't think I want to even wonder about the things that I have no knowledge on, let alone those that I have never thought before. Funny, but I guess philosophy does that to you - makes you question things you are never aware of. Suddenly we are given these topics and we are expected to give our opinions on the matter where we needed time just to process the theory or the question because we never know that theory existed and furthermore, we simply must know our own view in regards to that. I can be a deep thinker sometimes too, but I just don't question such things!

The class ended, and I met with my good old friend at Vivo. We ended up watching The Nanny's Diary, and although the story was pleasantly flowing, I couldn't exactly comment it as special. I like Scarlett Johansson in it, though. I think she is a really great versatile actress who can make even unlikely character work. And of course, you won't hear me complaining about Chris Evans either. His hotness is universally acclaimed, I guess.

The interesting thing happened on the way home. Well, because the movie ended at 11.30, we had just enough time to catch the bus back. My friend stayed in Clementi so we hopped in the same bus together and I figured once I got to Clementi, I could easily take another bus back home or easier, just taxi, since it wouldn't be too far anyway. So yeah, at around 12 plus we alighted at Clementi, not at the interchange, though. Upon after taking a look at the directory board, I saw that there was still one bus that would be going to my direction, Chinese Garden. Confidently I got in there even though I had no idea in which part of Chinese Garden it would stop, I just merely assumed it would be very near to my place. After all, how far can two places be in the same area?!

How naive I must have been. My adventurous-evil-twin must have kicked in the wrong time and wrong place because, well, no, scratch that. I don't even have an adventurous evil twin because I bloody suck at direction! And who was I, what was I thinking, to practice my directionally-challenged state at 12.30 in the morning when it was dark and quiet and when I was totally and utterly...alone?!! So, after asking the bus driver, I alighted at the dark street and just walked totally blinded to the, I mean, walked to an alley the driver pointed me to go. I walked, and walked, and I tried to see my surroundings, to recognize anything familiar at all, but everything just looked foreign. I walked some more minutes only to realize that one way lead to a closed road, and the other to...well, I'm not sure, actually, but it was just long narrow dark empty street, and I was pretty sure it wasn't the right way home. While cursing myself silently, finally I surrendered and walked back to the main street in which I shamefully hailed a cab. And it took me straight to the front of my lift.

*Saying this by throwing a tantrum at myself* I mean, why didn't I just take a cab in the first place?!!!!! When I was walking, I encountered a woman who came up to me and said something in chinese to which, I gave a complete blank look. She repeated the question some more times, but the problem was not that I didn't hear it well enough, it's just I do not understand chinese, okay! Even if you repeat it over and over again until your mouth is soapy and full of bubbles, I still wouldn't be able to respond! The weird thing was, she was with an Indian guy, and when the woman asked me the question in chinese, I looked up to the guy and gave him this troubled look saying 'help me here, man, what is she saying?' I mean, okay, he is Indian and he probably does not speak chinese as well, but at least he was with her!!!! But the guy shrugged and shook his head, signaling that he, too, did not understand what the girl said, so in the end I walked away but then I thought to myself, if the girl only speaks chinese and the guy, say, only speaks english, then HOW THE HELL DID THOSE TWO KNOW EACH OTHER?!! The world never ceased to amaze me, sometimes.

In the taxi, too, suddenly the uncle asked, 'You just went fishing, is it????' Huh?! Fishing? Let me paint you a picture. Me, a young clueless girl wearing a T-Shirt and a skirt, clutching Mango and Gap shopping bags, with a bag on my shoulder. And sure, doesn't that just scream FISHING????????

Of course, what else have I been doing if not fishing???? Obvious question, right????

Okay, that about sums up the whole day. It's almost 3 now and I should really get some sleep if I want to look at least 2 years younger than I actually am. Ha!

Saturday, 13 October 2007

Random. Pictures.

Just want to parade pictures. No apparent reason besides that I'm bored after working on my 'News Writing' assignment and that I need a break. 9 numbers in total, 6 done, 3 to go. I'm on a roll!!!! it's not even finished yet!!!

So, just a bit of news, I have exam this Monday on either these following topics:
1) Analysis of the archaic peoples' view of the relation between mundane world and the transcendent world.
2) Aristotle's idea of moral virtues between extremes of excess and deficiency.
3) Analysis of the two main characters in the book 'Antigone' based on Aristotle's view on 'the mean'.


I'm so fucking toast.

There should be the textbooks on those topics but I don't even have one, ladies and gentlemen! And today I was dedicated enough to actually go to the library to try looking for the books there, but guess what???!! What???!!

The bloody library is CLOSED!!!!!!!

And now let us toast our champagne for the miserable future-exam-failure of Miss TIna!!!! Oh Gosh, what now?! If today the library's closed, what are the chances of it opens tomorrow?!

Slim to none???????

No book, no nothing! I have absolutely NO idea how to answer the questions! Surely I can always bullshit my way out of it, but seriously! This is so depressing.

Anyway. I'm feeling tired, thanks to a friend who came over at 1 last night and we talked until I DON'T KNOW WHAT TIME??!!! GEE!! I should've put up a 'visiting hour' or something!

Nah, I'm kidding. Always a pleasure babbling.

Okay, now I'm being serious. During our, I don't know, 4 hours conversation, maybe, we managed to talk about anything and nothing in particular. Well, isn't that what makes it so nice? Wanted to try laying down in the empty street (we're suckers for The Notebook), but it wasn't late enough for the road to be completely empty and I don't want to die being hit by a truck yet. And wanted to steal some nice cars down the parking lot but the security guard was definitely keeping an eye on us. (looks like we're victims of Gone in Sixty Seconds as well).

Okay so picture picture!

with my cute littler sister! She's only 16 but she's already almost as tall as me! I wonder if I'm the one who's short or...???

People always say my older and younger sister look alike, and that I'm the different one. Am always teased as 'mulan' - nemu di jalan, which is the indonesian for 'found in the street'. Damn! If only I was found, surely it would have been in a expensive luxurious hotel! Not in the street, okay!

My little cousin who brings 'cute' back! He's sooooooooooooooooo cute! But wait until you hear him scream! There's no way someone that small and fragile and vulnerable can scream like that! It's just beyond my comprehension.

...which is weird because here people always ask if we're twins. But, back home, when my little sister is there, suddenly I'm the mulan!

Anyway, I just realized that the first picture is so damn big!

So I guess now I have to continue the assignment again, but I've lost my mood, now all I wanna do is take pictures mwahahahahahaha!


(Honestly, it's not like I don't wanna go dancing salsa with you. No, I'm sure dancing in the middle of the beach at the cold, rainy, drizzling day like this would be so romantic and self-fulfilling, and dancing is considered a sport too, no? And of course, I'm just so estatic of ripping off my clothes and exposing this blobbing fat arms to the public! I just can't wait, the excitement is too overwhelming I have difficulty breathing! If anyone doesn't know better, he would think I'm gagging, which of course, I'm not. But it's evening and the air is cool and it was so good to sleep in and Sentosa just seems very.....far..Ah!)

Okay, okay, I'm kidding for half of it. I just don't feel like doing it. Hey, let me make up for it some other day, herr?:)

Friday, 12 October 2007

Stay Unfit

I probably am the most un-fit person in the entire planet. And let me enlighten you with some reasons why:

1. I hate sweating. Because most sports technically generate heat and sweat, therefore, I hate sports. Okay, most sports.

2. Based on reason number 1, I haven't done any exercise for months. And probably way before that too.

3. ....and waaaaaayyy before.

4. I can't stand running in the treadmill for more than 3 minutes. Believe me, I count. Now, I know you probably are laughing your ass off by now, but seriously, I'm lousy at running, I look awful doing it, furthermore, I will just embarrass myself because after the three minutes-time-limit strikes, I'll start hypervilenting, gasping for air, suffocating, and yelling, 'I'm dying! Somebody help me! I'm daaayyy-iingggg!' After 2 consecutive times doing that, people are starting to ignore. Really.

5. My definition of 'sport' is walking up and down the stairs at home. (And I am bloody proud of that, mind you. Not everyone can muster the energy to go up and down the rigorous 23-steps-stairs!)

6. I eat junk food like fish drinks water.

7. No, not even Subway-kinda fast-food. More like, the unhealthiest fast food you can find around.

8. I rarely eat fruit. I bought 5 apples like, half a century ago, and now there are still....3 in the refrigerator. And probably already rotting ungracefully.

9. Don't even start on vegetables. Ick.

So! In the spirit of Hari Raya, today I decided to go to the gym! (Hurraaaay!), and go for swim! (Double hurraaaayy!) -> totally unrelated with Hari Raya...-__-' And, as expected, I only stayed in the treadmill for less than 20 minutes and only 5 minutes in total, MAXIMUM, that I spent running. The rest, I was gently strolling along, pretending I was at the beach with a significant someone by my side.


So the next time you're feeling lazy to work out, just think of me as motivation. You DON'T want to end up like me! Seriously, you don't!

Quick Post

Finally! Time to blog again! I'm not sayin' that I have such busy-busy life, because thruthfully, I don't, well, just sort-of-busy, a tiny bit, weeny-littley busy, got the picture? But I have to admit though, that it's rare to find such leisure time to sit at home and write whatever my heart desires anymore these days, no, not for indifinitely, just at least for now. School has been taken up some energy to bear, I guess it can be interesting at times, discussing Socrates' view on life and death, or Aristotle's principle of happiness and priorities in life, for all that matters, but it needs one hundred percent attention, okay, and if you let your mind wander around for a bit, you'd miss half of what the lecturer said and in the end, what you get is only mix of jumbling words and ideas, and that is not the right way to study, is it?

It's 12.20 pm now and I have roughly 45 minutes to babble before heading to school. Okay, so go!

What I've been doing these days, beside school, were mostly just being in the company of friends. I've been wanting to work again for some time, but realized that I can't do it now because of the things I have to take care back home soon. In case you're wondering, I'm going back to Jakarta on the twenty third. Will worry about jobs and resumes and interviews after all are settled.

I know it's probably weird for me to say this, but lately people are dying, and no, I don't want you to run in the sight of me just because you think I bring misfortune, or dare I say it, death to you, okay! I'm just observing. See, it wasn't long ago that my grandmother passed away, and then my mom. And just as I'm still dealing with the grief, one of my close friend suddenly had to go back to Jakarta because his uncle died. And again, yesterday, my singaporean friend also told me that his uncle just died! I mean, what is wrong with the world? What is happening? It all seemed like a cruel coincidence, right? I hope they will be alright. And I remember a friend once said, "shits are bound to happen in our life, and we just gotta deal with it. We have to follow, there's no other way." And he might be dead wrong, but you know what? It's true that we have no control of situations like this, there is just so much a person like us can do, so yeah, we just have to accept whatever bad or good life can throw of us, if you can accept it, then you'll be a happier person, perhaps, and if you can't, well, you probably will turn bitter, but I'd say, indulge in your bitterness, your sadness, your dissapointments for the world, whatever, maybe you'll come through faster than those who just keep it all inside and let it piled up into stacks and unimaginable burden.

Anyway. Just for the sake of something lighter, (read: supervicial, ha!) I started going to ladies' night again, and man, it has been such a long time, hasn't it? Too long that I began yawning at 1 in the morning among all those energetic, gorgeous, skimpy crowds! I yawned! I was actually feeling so bored that all I wanted to do was grab something to eat and head back to the comfort of my bed, I mean, geez. I can't experience this now when I'm still twenty, surely?!! I can't possibly reach my saturation point yet???

I think I've reached my time limit! Just 10 minutes to go and I need to get ready! Shall continue this tonight (in two-nights? to-night? too-many nights to come? tonight in a year? toooooo...tooonight? what is the meaning of tonight, anyway? A night that is 'to'? Heading to a night? To night? But when is tonight? When?)

Okay, I'm seriously disturbed.

Monday, 8 October 2007

Rain, Class, Dog, Pervert

Get ready for soon-to-be-long entry! Funny, huh? I knew that it's going to be a long post when I barely write 2 complete sentences. Maybe I can predict the future. Or maybe I just know myself too much, and right now, I have so much to tell, although nothing quite exciting as some of you may think. You should have known it by now that my life isn't that much of a reality-tv-material, I mean, except from all the dramatic events, narcissism, and self-obsession over certain food, actor, movie, book, or song, I'm a very normal kid.

Anyway, just to tell you a bit about my day. Today is my first day of Values and Cultures class, and I was pretty excited about it, I'm a student after all. What can a student like me do, if not study? (this question is not meant to be answered.) But then the weather was really cloudy and soon after it was raining hard, so hard that I had a fright of being struck by a falling tree since the wind was blowing like mad. Usually I like the smell of rain, and at home I would just sit on the balcony overlooking the street and indulge in the unique smell of rain, feeling really relaxed and carefree. But, the rain this morning wasn't necessarily enjoyable, let alone made me want to jump. The thing is, I was already waiting in the bus stop when the rain started pouring and knowing me, I would not in a million years bring an umbrella just for the sake of being cautious. So what to do, right? The rice has turned into porridge, (is there such saying in english?) and I had no choice but to get on the freaking bus and pray madly that by the time I alighted, it had stopped raining and I wouldn't suffer from hypothermia.

I should have known better, I mean, I'm not exactly known for my good luck on anything! So what makes me think this time would be different? When I alighted the bus, I swear to you, the rain has poured even harder! And I was literally, trapped! Because see, I still had to walk some distance to the school from the bus stop, and there was no way I could run (even if I ran like Road Runner) without getting soaked unglamorously, drenched in cold. And so, I just waited there. Waited for what? I'm not sure.

Fortunately, I had this genious technology invention everyone call 'mobile phone', and I called babe to come pick me in the stop with an umbrella. Seriously, no matter how much I love her as a friend, I still wouldn't want to be caught dead dancing and twirling around together in the rain for the public to see. And so she came, technically a life-saver. After some good 20 minutes! (no, no, babe, I'm not complaining!)

So stage 1 was completed and in the end I was tucked safely inside the 'confusius' shelter we all know as 'my school building'. We had lunch and went to class. Quite happy to see all my classmates, even with those I'm not close with. There's just something really familiar about them and it's comforting, see. The professor came and started the class, he was this big old caucasian man who looked so much alike like Colonel Sanders, so just picture him in your mind for a second. His head was moving funnily everytime he talked, not in the indian-kind-of-way, but definitely moving really oddly. It was quite distracting at first, really, but I got used to it after a while, and it wasn't his head I paid much attention to anymore as much as his bulging stomach. Anyway, I'm not going to discuss his stomach, please!

It was an interesting subject, I found, because it was sort of a literature-and-philosophical kinda class, and he spent the lecture talking about the archaic people and their way of thinking, that all they did revolved around rituals they believed to be taught by God, in fact, everything was about the word of God, and for all they knew, there was only one way to do everything, the right way, and so their life consisted of rituals after rituals which they did obediently without asking because that was what God told them to do, so who are they to question it? Each day was the same for them, and no changes ever happened, there was never confusion or misunderstandings. And these people believed in the power of personal communication, that as long as they act favorably towards anything (nature, environment, people, whatever), they will be protected, nothing bad can ever happened to them. And so they danced, and prayed for the rain, for the grasshopper to go away, for the plants to grow, and if it happened otherwise, they felt like they must have done something wrong to piss God, or the god of rain, or the god of plants, or whoever.

Well, they must have a really secure life, or just plain..pitiful. Because, changes are bound to happen, no matter how hard you try to keep everything the same. And there are just things beyond our control, sometimes unexplainable, and we are given brain to think, not just to follow. If one stops for a second to think about improving a way to do something, then is he a bad person because of that? Isn't believing something without even asking, or giving it a second thought, a really foolish act? Isn't doing something, without understanding, reason, or purpose, shows how unindependent we are? I have to admit, though, that those ancient people must have been much happier than us now. They knew exactly what they had to do, and so what if they couldn't fully optimize their life? Not that I wanted to live in a society like that, but I"m just saying. Technology offers us more opportunities, more chances, more explanation, more solutions, sure, but it also brings more risks, more danger, more harms, and more disputes. So in the end, which is better? It's just a matter of different understanding, there is no right or wrong. People nowadays would think that ancient people are stupid for just following orders without asking, but ancient people can easily think we are stupid too, for making simple things complicated.

The professor wanted us to think about God in particular. And about how it would be like if we were back to those archaic times. I don't know, in a way I guess if I never knew anything else outside that world, I would never entertain the possibility of having something more, you see. Suddenly I remember the movie 'The Village', because roughly it's about a village that is secluded from the outside world, it's very self-sufficient and the villagers never had any thought that there might be another world outside their little village. Well, actually they knew there were something out there, but they didn't dare to go out because the leaders of the village spreaded the rumor that there were evil creatures which eat humans, and this rumor had been held as a truth among the villagers for centuries. And so, they stay inside the village and they are happy enough with the arrangement because in their mind, it was deadly and dangerous forrest out there. While in fact, there weren't any creatures at all, outside the village there were just another regular city, but no one knew about it except the leaders. And the leaders were neither right, or wrong. Well, because the villagers are happy anyway, right? They can never miss something they don't know, can they?

And about God? Well, I believe that there is a bigger force out there in the world, because I don't think that everything happens at random, there must be something who controls all of these, and that is God, isn't it? The thing is, I'm not sure I believe that he loves each and every one of us and that he cares as if we are his own children. That is just too much of a comforting concept, isn't it? But people are not stupid, they can't just believe something so..perfect. And I stand corrected. Praying gives strength to the people, not to grant their wishes. It's just natural to fall back into God, because who else can we turn to in the end of the day? Even if God doesn't exist in a way that we thought, what harm can it do to believe him? Because it's comforting, it's the feeling of complete secure.

I honestly don't know how I got into this conclusion, because I've always been someone that is proud of her religion and someone who has great faith in God, but maybe it's just a temporary maturing process I had to go through in order to walk back to Him, stronger and surer than before, because I've considered this possibility and found out that I'm wrong.

Ooookay, I'm sorry, didn't intend to write this much about the topic but I got excited! I'll be fine and I can start talking about unimportant stuffs again after a few seconds of cooling down. Ha!

So, the class ended at five, and babe and I went to Holland Village to hang out and see around. I miss wandering around aimlessly with her. Ugh, and as expected, she dragged me into this pet store there, in which she couldn't stop going 'aaaw' and 'oowww' at each dog! I saw this really disturbingly frightening dog which looked a lot like chihuahua but not exactly, it was so skinny beyond belief and so hyperactive it kept jumping around and even putting its two legs up as if it was standing up, and the gesture was very disturbing because it looked like a skeleton! But I found one that I liked..

Now this is what I called cool! Look at his white fur! He almost looked like a wolf!

And I were to have a dog (which is nearly impossible), I would want one like this. Not some cutey-cutey little one, and definitely not one that is hyper!

Anyway, on my way home I encountered a really odd experience. Odd, because it might just be my feelings and not actually happened at all, but sometimes you just gotta listen to your gut, no? (at least that's what I learned from the book 'Blink'! Trust your instinct!) Well, so I was sitting in the rear side of the bus, when this gentleman walked in and sat opposite me. Not exactly opposite, you know the new bus' seating arrangement, right? There are rows of chairs facing the sideways, and in the back, they are seats facing the front too. I sat in the sideway, and the guy was in the seat opposite behind me but facing the front. I didn't pay much attention first at him cos I was listening music anyway (am so in love with Elliott's songs at the moment), but once in a while I would catch him staring into my direction. I suddenly became very self-conscious even though I wasn't sure if he looked into me or just past me, you see. But then some time after, I would see him facing his camera (from his mobile phone) directly at me! Which was weird, because if he really was just looking into his phone, his camera would just point at the front, not sideways to where I sat! And I tried to ignore this at first, convincing myself that I was just making things up! But he kept doing that and it became impossible to ignore. I was wearing skirt and I made sure my legs were tight because I saw it once in TV that there are perverts who like taking pictures or recording girls' skirts, or rather, something inside 'em! I was really distracted by his actions, and he would look at me, point his camera at me for some time, and then look at his phone and then smoothy and pretentiously, slide his camera to my direction again and what was I supposed to think?! I think it's unevitable to think negative given the circumstances! What confirmed me more, was that finally, there was another gentleman sitting in the seat next to him which somewhat covered his camera view from me, (I almost kissed the other gentleman for 'saving me' from this pervert), and from that moment, he didn't point his camera at me anymore! Sure, because now the other guy covered the sight, but if he was really innocent and all this time he was just browsing his phone, how could it be such a coincidence that he stopped that action right after the other guy sat next to him!!

By this time, I was kind of freaked out and I couldn't wait to alight the damn bus, so when my stop finally came, I went out eagerly as fast as I could, and to my horror, he was right behind me, apparently alighting at the same stop! I walked, crossed the street towards my condo, and he was right on my tail! Oh shit, man! I walked even faster, afraid to look back, but I felt him behind me still until I was at the entrance at my apartment building. I got in quickly, and he finally went in the different direction.

You wouldn't believe how relieved I was! But now that I think about it, maybe I had the right to be really suspicious and frightened by this guy, but still I couldn't be one hundred percent sure that he was up to no good. Probably I was just seeing things that wasn't there and that my mind was just messing around, but I knew what I felt, and it couldn't be helped, okay! I'm just relieved nothing happened!

Why am I suddenly high on adrenaline again after recalling the story?! Maybe because I could still picture his ugly face and his white shirt! And definitely because I do not dare imagine what pictures or whatever he could have taken of me IF my suspicioun was right!

I wish I was wrong! So there you go, my day in a post! Now I'm about to chat for a while and then continue indulging in The Time Traveler's Wife! Good night, everyone.

Sunday, 7 October 2007

October 7th

Today's my Dad's birthday!

Happy birthday, Daddy! I'm sorry I couldn't be there, but you know I love you! xxx

In the mood of Cusack

Am just finished writing a 3-pages long, 1000-words feature article on John Cusack. Why him, you ask? Well, because I like him? And liking him bounds to make me even more excited to write about him?? Hello??!

So let me give you a summary. John's 41. He has 4 siblings, him being the 4th child. He got into theatre at 8 and by the time he was 12, he'd done numerous productions enough to embarrass spoilt, lazy child like me. He's extremely talented and intense. Not only he acts, but he also writes and directs. He's always hated the superficiality and pretentious world of Holywood, he loathes celebrities, he's only interested in being a serious actor with complex roles and he never bothered making blockbusters. He couldn't care less about that. He's into politics, literature, movie-making and he'd done humanitarian jobs, funded schools and charities. He apparently co-produced and helped writing the scores for one of my favorite movie, 'High Fidelity'. I didn't know that. And he entirely wrote a script which was made into a movie by Disney.

Well, let's just say that after writing about him triggered a new-found respect for the guy, I mean, he's not just a pretty face.

From this...

to this...

He has come a long way, hasn't he?

Anyway! Initially I just wanted to say 'Just finished writing a story about John Cusack', the end, so why did I put all these pictures??!! I'm so easily distracted! Fine, fine, such mindless blog! But, you gotta love John Cusack! Yes! Vote for him! Vote for him! Eeer..shameless.

Saturday, 6 October 2007

Far From Samaritan Act.

Telling you that today is an unproductive day is a high understatement. Surely I should have risen above this uncontrollable urge to put my ass in the chair all day long? Scratch that, no, not even chair, but bed! How old am I anyway? I feel so ashamed! And I guess I could blame it on the weather. See, it was torching hot, and by going outside probably means, sacrificing your soul to be burnt by the devil! With no struggles and a sign of fight! You might as well yell, 'hello, I'm here, whoever out there plans to burn me, go ahead!' I'm sorry, but I still love myself too much.

Oh but at least I did one good deed today. When I was out paying bills, one security guard from my condo came up to me and asked me to buy him a juice drink. Weird, huh? Well, my speculation is either:

a. He's fasting and it was the time of the day to eat and he couldn't leave the site where he was guarding cos he was working (duh), so he had to ask someone to buy a drink, and I just happened to pass by.

b. I just looked too irresistable and he just couldn't stand not talking to me so he looked for excuses just to see me from near proximity and engage me in conversation even for only a few seconds.

c. I looked plain stupid. And bulliable. (is there such word?) Do I really look like I have 'the nicest person on the planet. All you had to do is ask! Really!' plastered on my forehead?

Okay, just erase option b).

Well, it's either one or the other, right? Long story short, I did him the favor and when I returned he gave me the warmest smile ever while saying 'thank you so much for your kindness' and continued by asking whether I'm a resident of the apartment.

Ah! I'm so nice! =p

(can I be more self-sickeningly than this?)


Is it just me or Singapore is really hot nowadays? I thought Jakarta is hotter but apparently, Singapore's catching up really fast! Okay, so I might be here for one day only so my 'nowadays' is probably questionable but before you start throwing sharp objects at me, on my defense, I could say that because I was informed by a very trustworthy witness who had no reason to testify deceiving and misleading facts, mostly because she was under oath.

So! Yes. Singapore is very hot. And that's that. I don't suppose there's anything else I can say on that matter? So why did I go on and spend one precious paragraph discussing it? Because I just love confusing you? Duh?

Well, I was out the entire day, sort of. I was suprised I woke up at 9 this morning which is really early for my standard but then again, I'm a changed woman. And, not only that, I went out by myself! And did grocery shopping! In real supermarket! Ooookay. First of all, I'm not the type of person who likes going out alone because I just need someone who can watch me making a complete fool out of myself, or at least, just appear interested at everything I have to say. And secondly, usually if I want to buy home-supplies, I just go to the nearest market or Fair Price Express right next to my building. You can say I don't really go to a proper supermarket when I'm alone. I do that a lot with my sister, of course. But she's not here, is she? This afternoon, I was overwhelmed by such domestic urge and so I went and took a cart and grocery-shopped! I told you I'm a changed woman! And don't give me that look!

In the end my grocery-shopping adventure resulted in a package of milk bread, one doritos, five red delicious apples (it's really the name of the apple in case you think I'm jobles enough to bother making up names for apples!), one big bottle of ice green tea drink and one smaller bottle of sugar cane drink. Hey! Who says I want to buy things enough to stock an entire population of Nigeria?!

I also bought soft-lens solution and make-up remover and JollyBean (I love jollybeans!). Oh, I haven't told you that I had my eyes checked like, two weeks ago back home and my minus increased to an unbearable, too-painful-to-admit degree! I am so going to end up with glasses like Clark Kent when I'm old. Read: big, thick, awkward, unglamorous and boring. Geez, suddenly being a grown woman is not very appealing anymore.

Anyway, in the evening I met up with my friends at town and it was great to see them again. I miss being around friends and feel like I'm part of something. Not that I don't feel like I'm part of family. But you know what I mean, right? Took a few pictures, will put them here soon. We went to Paragon and Taka and got into those expensive stores while wishing we will be swapped away by Prince William. Kidding;) Had dinner at Ichiban Boshi at Wisma Atria and got home at 11.

I really need to start my assignment. I'm thinking tomorrow if no tempations are blocking my way. I'm in the middle of reading 'The Time Traveller's Wife' and it was very, very good and romantic so far. Romantic in a non-cheesy way. I'm mentally kicking myself for not reading it sooner when the book has been there for years, sitting and rotting in the drawer. Automatically remember the movie Before Sunset too as it was also extremely beautiful and heartbreakingly sad in a non-bursting-into-tears way, but could leave you gloomy and sad for hours because after seeing it, you got to think that life is so cruel and here they are, two people, clearly love each other and connect in a way they have never known before, just from spending a day together and they met again nine years later and they spent an evening together with the same chemistry and intense longing for each other just by talking but they can never be together because the guy is married and the girl has boyfriend but they are never truly happy and complete because meeting each other nine years ago has triggered something inside them that just can't be replaced by anyone else so they still have to live and move on with life, forcing themselves to love other people but they just can never be the same and they can't be happy. It's very, very sad. And the movie is only the two of them talking. About anything and everything, but you can feel the intense connection and chemistry between them although what they talked about are random. They only met two times but yet, it's crystal clear that they are soulmates. Oh gosh, it's just really good, I can never write enough justice for the movie so you have to see it for yourself. Ethan Hawke and Julie Delpy are amazing in this. Before Sunset is actually the second movie, taking place nine years after they met for the first time. How they met and how they spent one day together is in the first movie, Before Sunrise, and I haven't seen that one. Really want to see it.

Gosh, I've been rambling about a movie and I don't even realize it. Sorry, folks. But bear with me for a few more seconds. I also listened to the whole album of Lily Allen's Alright, Still and it was brilliant. I love all her songs and the lyrics are fresh and funny and new.

Okay, okay, that's all for now. Good night everyone, don't let the bed bugs bite.

Thursday, 4 October 2007

Pent-Up Emotions

I'm home. In Singapore, in case you wonder.

It's funny, things have been so different and yet, maybe it's not. I should've anticipated this, I mean, somehow deep in my mind, I knew this was coming, but I haven't prepared myself even when I thought I have.

When I got into my apartment, it felt like I have been gone for long, and I was probably just overreacting but if that's the case, then I was overreacting subsconsciously. The whole space seemed..different. My room looked different. Has it always been this bright? I wondered. And it smelled...different too. Like fresh porcelain. Like some room that is entirely brand-new. Everything looked distinctively unfamiliar, like it's someone else's and not mine. The brightness and the smell are probably the two most peculiar things that I noticed when I finally fell back into life, the life that is unfair, and cruel and bitter, and which can take you on a roller-coaster ride and you still lose in the end anyway.

It has been very hard. I thought I was ready but I was nowhere near it. I have never experienced sadness, or grief before, and now suddenly bang! What has been a really long journey, one that we have dared to hope, to wish, to long, to come out strong in the end, has finally ended in the most painful scenario one could ever imagine. I know I have been telling myself to surrender, to not hope, but I was desperate too, and I hate myself for begging and lowering myself to actually believe again, to compromise and make a pact with whoever out there to listen to our despair and desperate attempt to still be with the person that we love. I should've sticked with my stubborness, maybe if I have, I wouldn't be this dissapointed and angry.

I desperately want to tell you that I have done everything I could, that at least I have let her go knowing that I have given all, although what I could give was nothing and so insignificant. But I can't, because I was selfish, and I can't begin to say how much regret and sadness and what-ifs piled up inside me. I am disgusted at myself and there's absolutely nothing I can do now but to live with myself when I'm not even sure I like this person anymore.

At the hospital, after weeks of just being there, I grew miserable. Although not in front of her, but I was still grumpy to the others and my mood was constantly shitty. I felt like I was slowly losing myself. My cheerful, talkative and easy-going self was replaced by this unknown bitter, moody, introvert, anti-social and angry person. I refused to talk more than necessary to people, and sometimes not at all, because I just wanted to be alone and I retreated by just sitting beside her to avoid people and those pretentious sickening comments, words of encouragement and endless patronizing remarks about how her sickness was just a way to make us realize our sin and to ask for forgiveness and all that nauseating bull. I grew tired of people altogether. I was depressed, I felt stuck, being there everyday for weeks with the same people and same routine and I really feared, that I would be a bitter person from then on, that I could never be the same person again, and I didn't want that, I hated myself, I hated being angry at everybody and I hated being anti-social. I would do everything just to revert myself back to the person I thought was me. But I couldn't help it, no matter how much I tried to joke around, I got sick to my stomach, I couldn't pretend to be fine when I was miserable inside.

For what is worth, how could one not be miserable under the circumstances? I thought I could be bigger than that, I should've been happy for her, eventhough happiness was impossible, but that was the least I could do, and at times I couldn't even do that.

One time, we all got really tired and everything have just taken its tolls on us and we felt like we might go crazy anytime soon, so we went for karaoke for just a few hours. At that time, it felt like it was the right thing to do, because we could explode if we stayed there for one more day without rest, and a few hours break was all we wanted so we went.

If I knew that she would go soon, I wouldn't leave her side. But that what's cruel, isn't it? We couldn't possibly know, and now I just wanted to laugh everytime I think about myself going for karaoke when I could be with her for a few more hours, I could've asked her things, I could've asked for all her wisdom on how I could live normally without her, how I could later work and have a family without her, how I could be a better person and how I could learn to be more like her, and I could've even told her how much I'm proud of her and that she is the strongest person, and the best mother everyone could ever hope for.

Anything. I could've said anything to her and I didn't.

But, one thing that I did not regret was my decision to come home to be with her for her final weeks. I did what I did, although probably it wasn't enough but I hope, she knew that she didn't go through with this alone, that we all were beside her all steps of the way and the most important thing I really, really wish she knew, was that she is truly loved.

Days after it all happened went on like a blur. Describing it as surreal would be an understatement. Never in my life I thought I would be doing what I did. What we all did. There were just so many things needed to be done than I could ever imagine. And they happened in matter of days and I just lost all sense of time, feeling nothing but pent-up anger, and mostly, unbearable sadness. At times, it seemed that you can't even stop to think, that you didn't have time to digest and process everything that happened so you felt numb most of the time, but then suddenly, you could just sit there and break down.

When the formalities, and the rituals have finally ended, somehow I felt relieved. But soon I dreaded something that happened next. Coming home, after days of being in the funeral house. At that point, a crazy hopeful side of me still thought that it might be just a bad dream. And then more sadness were coming at our way because we had to go through her stuffs, to arrange things to go back to routine, slowly and painfully. Keeping myself busy, looking for distractions, going out with uncles, aunts and cousins, anything. Anything, just to make sure life goes on, even though life seems a lot bleaker now. Sometimes when I go home at night, I would secretly believe, that she was there, doing things I always remembered her doing, being in the exact spot she always was, talking as if nothing's wrong.

Everyone in the house were moody and small things became big problems. We all coped in our own ways and it caused unnecessary disputes and fights, we all were just really stressed and we didn't know how to act, so being angry at each other seemed better than feeling sorry and falling apart. A few times Dad would hold on to me really tightly and a small part of me couldn't help feeling angry at him, I need you to be strong for me, I'm trying really hard to contain myself and I don't have the energy to do it for you too! I can't!

I haven't been good for her, and regret is all I can feel now. Slowly, we all have to move on, and her memories will always be with us. I guess it's starting to feel better now. We're planning to sell the house and buy a smaller flat, and I don't know if it's the right thing to do, but we just need this.

The only thing I should believe, is that she is in happier place now, although my stubborness and my anger are convinced, that I should have been able to make her happier than wherever she is and whoever she is with now. I should have been there. She would be happier with me. But I can't go on thinking like that, can I?

I'm sorry, I have been really serious. I need to let this all out, I guess. After this, I promise I won't write such depressing entry anymore. I'm trying to move on, you know? And sometimes I don't know how to act, is it okay to be depressed? Is it okay to laugh again? Is it okay to have fun? Will people judge? I don't know, and I don't want to care.

I just have to live with it, although I have to admit, I'm pretty dissapointed with myself. I should have done more. And as for now, I realize more, the real importance of family, because I don't have anyone else but them.

I feel so many other things, much more than I could ever write and confess, but maybe they are better left unsaid.