My life as I have always known it, is about to end. I wish I could keep on living knowing that everything must come to an end, and that it's much better to make the most of it, rather than crying and regretting things that will eventually end up the same anyway. I'm ashamed of myself, not being able to do anything, I'm overwhelmed by sadness and desperation and anger and hopelessness, and yet, what's the use?
I spent yesterday crying my eyeballs out. I couldn't stop, I didn't know how to. Never in my life I would imagine this would happen. When I looked back at everything, what's the point? What's the point of staying fit and healthy, what's the point of going through all the miseries and pain, when it all will come down to this.What's the fucking point?
I wasn't ready, but circumstances gave me mo choice. After all the painful process, I realized that I have no faith left. I am simply, too exhausted to believe. I watched him bowing his head and praying every night, I watched him retracing every steps, every words, every prayer that are known to human, and what? What does he get? More pain? More suffering?
Today I woke up feeling just as bad. I got all sorts of encouraging words from friends and people around me, telling me to be strong and I'm very thankful for them. But this is something I need to do on my own. I need, to be able to live with myself. I need, to come to a peace, to accept, to surrender.
It's weird, because when I started thinking about it, I would burst into tears and even when I was talking to my teacher, asking for a leave this Saturday, I could feel my eyes welling up and I had to bit my lips to control myself. I am so ashamed for being this weak, yet I don't know how I could be otherwise. I followed the lesson with zero interest, sinking deep in my seat, hoping that if I did just that, eventually I would be invisible to the world, and I would be able to not care about what everyone else thought of me. A friend of mine who sat beside me patted and stroked my back, and it made me want to cry more.
I didn't feel better after sitting alone by the pool yesterday, and I thought the night air would be able to calm me down, but it didn't. Yet, this afternoon, just out of nowhere, during the middle of the class, without anything spectacular happening, I suddenly felt....okay. I don't know, I just felt better, somehow. As I was walking back home this evening, I was overwhelmed by, not the 'come-what-may' philosophy, but rather, with the realization, that no matter how much tears I cried, no matter how miserable I was, and no matter how much I felt sorry for myself, there is absolutely nothing I could do. And instead of making me feel helpless like I have always felt, that exact time I just saw everything in different light. I don't know, maybe this is just a temporary light bulb moment and everything will turn back to shits tomorrow, but for now, I feel okay. Not good, but just okay.
I suddenly believe in myself, no, I believe in my dad, and my sisters, that no matter what happened, we will be able to survive it, that we will stick together and we will make her happy. I realize, that things are so bleak at the moment and I couldn't imagine how my life would turn out. I really don't know. But it's comforting to know, that I'm not alone in this. And as I finished booking my flight, paying all my bills, returning all borrowed books, and getting out my briefcase from the storage room, I'm determined,..to make the most of it. I'm beyond, surrendering. And I want to come home feeling that this is what I'm supposed to do, that I will stay by my family, and that this is right, despite all the uncertainties and bleakness ahead.
I've mailed my lecturer, I've asked for leave, what more can I do? At the end of the day, we don't know when our time will be, and I have never considered about that possibility before, I should've learnt my lesson with grandma, but that time I was so busy with my life and I left all of that behind. I was wrong.
A special someone said yesterday that this is not about me.He told me not to be busy being mad and sad. Because what's more important is letting her have every possible happiness she could get. That I should focus more on her, not myself, not crying, and certainly not by being angry.
But I deserve to be sad. I deserve to cry. And I know that, but he's also right. RIght now, although I couldn't be further from being happy, I am...okay. I..don't know what else I could be but be okay. At the end of of the day, I'm just...tired. And I wish there's more I could do.
There is, which is to stand by her.
I will be gone, and I don't know for how long yet. The truth is, I'm scared to know. But just wish for the best and I hope I can be strong. I will try posting again before I leave this weekend, and I don't know how much I can write once I'm back home, but I'll try anyway.
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