Welcome!: Emotions

Thursday 23 August 2007

Emotions

My life as I have always known it, is about to end. I wish I could keep on living knowing that everything must come to an end, and that it's much better to make the most of it, rather than crying and regretting things that will eventually end up the same anyway. I'm ashamed of myself, not being able to do anything, I'm overwhelmed by sadness and desperation and anger and hopelessness, and yet, what's the use?

I spent yesterday crying my eyeballs out. I couldn't stop, I didn't know how to. Never in my life I would imagine this would happen. When I looked back at everything, what's the point? What's the point of staying fit and healthy, what's the point of going through all the miseries and pain, when it all will come down to this.What's the fucking point?

I wasn't ready, but circumstances gave me mo choice. After all the painful process, I realized that I have no faith left. I am simply, too exhausted to believe. I watched him bowing his head and praying every night, I watched him retracing every steps, every words, every prayer that are known to human, and what? What does he get? More pain? More suffering?

Today I woke up feeling just as bad. I got all sorts of encouraging words from friends and people around me, telling me to be strong and I'm very thankful for them. But this is something I need to do on my own. I need, to be able to live with myself. I need, to come to a peace, to accept, to surrender.

It's weird, because when I started thinking about it, I would burst into tears and even when I was talking to my teacher, asking for a leave this Saturday, I could feel my eyes welling up and I had to bit my lips to control myself. I am so ashamed for being this weak, yet I don't know how I could be otherwise. I followed the lesson with zero interest, sinking deep in my seat, hoping that if I did just that, eventually I would be invisible to the world, and I would be able to not care about what everyone else thought of me. A friend of mine who sat beside me patted and stroked my back, and it made me want to cry more.

I didn't feel better after sitting alone by the pool yesterday, and I thought the night air would be able to calm me down, but it didn't. Yet, this afternoon, just out of nowhere, during the middle of the class, without anything spectacular happening, I suddenly felt....okay. I don't know, I just felt better, somehow. As I was walking back home this evening, I was overwhelmed by, not the 'come-what-may' philosophy, but rather, with the realization, that no matter how much tears I cried, no matter how miserable I was, and no matter how much I felt sorry for myself, there is absolutely nothing I could do. And instead of making me feel helpless like I have always felt, that exact time I just saw everything in different light. I don't know, maybe this is just a temporary light bulb moment and everything will turn back to shits tomorrow, but for now, I feel okay. Not good, but just okay.

I suddenly believe in myself, no, I believe in my dad, and my sisters, that no matter what happened, we will be able to survive it, that we will stick together and we will make her happy. I realize, that things are so bleak at the moment and I couldn't imagine how my life would turn out. I really don't know. But it's comforting to know, that I'm not alone in this. And as I finished booking my flight, paying all my bills, returning all borrowed books, and getting out my briefcase from the storage room, I'm determined,..to make the most of it. I'm beyond, surrendering. And I want to come home feeling that this is what I'm supposed to do, that I will stay by my family, and that this is right, despite all the uncertainties and bleakness ahead.

I've mailed my lecturer, I've asked for leave, what more can I do? At the end of the day, we don't know when our time will be, and I have never considered about that possibility before, I should've learnt my lesson with grandma, but that time I was so busy with my life and I left all of that behind. I was wrong.

A special someone said yesterday that this is not about me.He told me not to be busy being mad and sad. Because what's more important is letting her have every possible happiness she could get. That I should focus more on her, not myself, not crying, and certainly not by being angry.

But I deserve to be sad. I deserve to cry. And I know that, but he's also right. RIght now, although I couldn't be further from being happy, I am...okay. I..don't know what else I could be but be okay. At the end of of the day, I'm just...tired. And I wish there's more I could do.

There is, which is to stand by her.

I will be gone, and I don't know for how long yet. The truth is, I'm scared to know. But just wish for the best and I hope I can be strong. I will try posting again before I leave this weekend, and I don't know how much I can write once I'm back home, but I'll try anyway.

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Quotes

There's a hundred million different ways of writing, and it takes you a long time to sort through that stuff. And I think it takes anyone a long time to find a voice.

You must learn to take the good with the bad, the happy with the sad, love what you’ve got and remember what you had. Learn to forgive, but never forget, learn from your mistakes but never regret. People change and things go wrong, but you just have to remember that life goes on.

The day before I’m supposed to be meeting Caroline for a drink, I develop all the textbook symptoms of a crush: nervous stomach, long periods spent daydreaming, an inability to remember what she looks like. I can bring back the dress and the boots, and I can see her bangs, but her face is a blank.

I don't know, I think that if I could just accept the fact that my life is supposed to be difficult. You know, that's what to be expected, then I might not get so pissed-off about it and I'll just be glad when something nice happens.

I can see now I never really committed to Laura. I always had one foot out the door, and that prevented me from doing a lot of things, like thinking about my future and... I guess it made more sense to commit to nothing, keep my options open. And that's suicide. By tiny, tiny increments.

There's a big fucking world out there. It's messy, and it's chaotic, and it's never, never ever the thing you'd expect. It is ok to be scared, but you cannot allow your fears to turn you into an asshole, not when it comes to the people that love you, the people that need you.

Maybe what I'm saying is, is the world might be evolving the way a person evolves. Right? Like, I mean, me for example. Am I getting worse? Am I improving? I don't know. When I was younger, I was healthier, but I was, uh, whacked with insecurity, you know? Now I'm older and my problems are deeper, but I'm more equipped to handle them.

I am nothing special; just a common man with common thoughts, and I've led a common life. There are no monuments dedicated to me and my name will soon be forgotten. But in one respect I have succeeded as gloriously as anyone who's ever lived: I've loved another with all my heart and soul; and to me, this has always been enough.

Later that day I got to thinking about relationships. There are those that open you up to something new and exotic, those that are old and familiar, those that bring up lots of questions, those that bring you somewhere unexpected, those that bring you far from where you started, and those that bring you back. But the most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you can find someone to love the you you love, well, that's just fabulous.

A woman needs to be held, even, and science has shown this, if its with someone she doesn't care about. Protective hormones are released, and the amount of hormones released depends on the degree to which she is held. The first and best is the complete surround. He wraps you in both arms, whispers how beautiful you are. Second best is the 'arm around.' He is next to you but with one arm around you. Third is he's just next to you on his elbow, but he rests his hand on your stomach and looks at you. Fourth is you snuggling up to him with your head on his chest, while he looks away into space. But when the first best happens, you feel completely, wonderfully like a woman.

So, so what, so fuck off, go home, leave you alone? I'll tell you something Paul, there isn't anything that I've wanted for eighteen years, cause I was a kid eighteen years ago. And if I did still want the same things I'd think I'd gone wrong somewhere, because actually I don't want to marry David Cassidy, I don't want bigger tits, I don't want to do better on my marks. I've stopped worrying about that kind of thing and maybe you should try.

Well maybe there's a big bit of you that's gone missing somewhere, maybe everyone should want something they've always wanted.

Why is it that adults aren't supposed to go mad about anything? You gotta keep a lid on it. And if you don't then people are apparently entitled to say what they like. "You haven't grown up. You're a moron. Your conversation is trivial and boorish. You can't express your emotional needs. You can't relate to your children." And you die, lonely and miserable. But you know, what the hell, every cloud has a silver lining.

I just woke up one morning and didn't feel the same way. Where did it go? It was like there had been a lot of food on a plate in front of us, and we ate it all really quickly, and then there was nothing left. Maybe that's how couples stay together: they're not greedy. They know that what they have in front of them has to last a long time, so they kind of pick at it. I hope it's not like that, though. I hope that when people are happy together, it feels as though someone keeps piling seconds and thirds on their plates.

That is what I have learned: Sex is destructive. Love is nothing to be fooled with. I learned that I was dangerous, not to be trusted. I wondered if my parents were right, with all of their stiff lovelessness. Maybe they knew better. My parents don't dole out love for the deserving or the undeserving. I was learning that love could cost me.

You could say all you liked about reason and logic and common sense and imagination, but when the chips were down, the one skill you needed was the ability to think about absolutely nothing whatsoever.

There is a comfort in never making an effort, but it's a lonely comfort. What keeps you going is the knowledge that you're only playing with only four cards showing. But when you see other people succeeding with their mediocre hands, you have to make a decision. If you turn over that final card you're certain of victory, but it also means you have nothing in reserve.

I’d gone through life believing in the strength and competence of others; never in my own. Now, dazzled, I discovered that my capacities were real. It was like finding a fortune in the lining of an old coat.

Maybe we all live life at too high a pitch, those of us who absorb emotional things all day, and as mere consequence we can never feel merely content: we have to be unhappy, or ecstatically, head-over-heels happy, and those states are difficult to achieve within a stable, solid relationship.