Welcome!: Bad Day(s)

Monday 13 August 2007

Bad Day(s)

What is wrong with today, man? More like, today and yesterday?! I'm not just having a bad day, this is too much, okay! So here are some reasons why. By the time this entry is done, you'll be feeling sorry for me. Oh gosh, hope not. Or that will just confirm my patheticness and failure at this world.

1. Two days ago I was at babe's place til midnight, and since it was Saturday I didn't bother to go home earlier cos I thought there would have been Night Rider anyway. So I stayed, oblivious. At nearly midnight I finally left and as I walked to the bus stop, I saw my bus passing, and if I were almost close to the stop I would have ran and caught the bus, even if that meant yelling frantically "stop! stop! wait for me!" to the driver and getting weird glances from people, but I would have done that, okay! But there was still good distance to the stop so I didn't run. More like, I didn't bother to run.

When I got to the stop I checked the bus' timings and it stated there, in clear black and white, that the last bus was at 23.54. And it was 23.56. THE FREAKING BUS WHICH PASSED ME WAS APPARENTLY THE LAST BUS! And I was wrong about the Night Rider too cos there were none in that stop! And there I was, right in the middle of nowhere..(okay, not middle of nowhere, but far enough from my place!) with no bus and with only little money left. Well, it's not like I had any other choice, didn't I? So I flagged the taxi and it bloody cost me twelve freaking bucks! I felt so forced giving the money to the driver. I could easily get on the bus and only paid like two dollars!

2. I had to go to Clarke Quay yesterday to meet a friend, and I initially thought I would just take a cab cos I was wearing heels and my outfit didn't necessarily scream 'I want to get squished inside the train'. But then I remembered the incident the night before and I immediately felt guilty. Again, what choice did I have? It probably was the biggest mistake cos the weather was so hot and I sweated easily already as it is, so the heat affected me even worse, and even I didn't want to see myself getting sweaty! Imagine the horror of the people around me!

What worse (yes, there is a worse) was there's a disgusting guy who wore black sunglasses and acted as if he's very chic suddenly came up to me, grinned his slick-eery smile and asked where I was going. Ick. Talk about degradation.

3. See previous post. That would explain...a lot.

4. The meeting with my friend was a disaster. It really, was a disaster. It probably was my first bad evening out! Which was an unfortunate cos the place was already nice! We settled at Tapas Tree.

I believe one time my friend even said 'you're fucking rich' as if that's bad thing or means I have a fucking herpes or something. And he also thought the place was fucking posh. It wasn't, okay! Long story short, it was a disaster. I believe I've used that term but I feel like using it again to emphasize the fact that it was really a freaking disaster! It was painful to even relive!

I have a feeling he even thought my lychee martini was freaking posh! That's just retarded.

5. Okay, the most recent one. I feel so foolish telling this, but what would you do when you have a job interview and you have no idea what the position you're applying for!?!!! Great! Just great! See, someone called me this morning and arranged for interview tomorrow, gave me the address and time etc etc, but one thing was I don't even remember applying for job in that company! It's a medical company so I think I would remember if I did send in my resume and everything, okay! So I checked the internet and saw my sent-items on my mails and there was nothing on that company! And so I have no idea what I'm supposed to do! I don't know which position I will be interviewed for!!!! Surely you ask I don't need to know that?! But I do! On my last interview I was asked that! And I've sent email to ask but no reply and it's late here and my interview is tomorrow and so I'm toast.

6. I think my so-called-boyfriend is mad at me.

So that about sums it up. These days suck! And I haven't even accounted my two big assignments which I haven't started and I'm getting super worried cos next week I'm having remodule so I'll be really busy and when will I get the time to work on those projects?!!

I know, your look says it all. "You're in trouble, girl."

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Quotes

There's a hundred million different ways of writing, and it takes you a long time to sort through that stuff. And I think it takes anyone a long time to find a voice.

You must learn to take the good with the bad, the happy with the sad, love what you’ve got and remember what you had. Learn to forgive, but never forget, learn from your mistakes but never regret. People change and things go wrong, but you just have to remember that life goes on.

The day before I’m supposed to be meeting Caroline for a drink, I develop all the textbook symptoms of a crush: nervous stomach, long periods spent daydreaming, an inability to remember what she looks like. I can bring back the dress and the boots, and I can see her bangs, but her face is a blank.

I don't know, I think that if I could just accept the fact that my life is supposed to be difficult. You know, that's what to be expected, then I might not get so pissed-off about it and I'll just be glad when something nice happens.

I can see now I never really committed to Laura. I always had one foot out the door, and that prevented me from doing a lot of things, like thinking about my future and... I guess it made more sense to commit to nothing, keep my options open. And that's suicide. By tiny, tiny increments.

There's a big fucking world out there. It's messy, and it's chaotic, and it's never, never ever the thing you'd expect. It is ok to be scared, but you cannot allow your fears to turn you into an asshole, not when it comes to the people that love you, the people that need you.

Maybe what I'm saying is, is the world might be evolving the way a person evolves. Right? Like, I mean, me for example. Am I getting worse? Am I improving? I don't know. When I was younger, I was healthier, but I was, uh, whacked with insecurity, you know? Now I'm older and my problems are deeper, but I'm more equipped to handle them.

I am nothing special; just a common man with common thoughts, and I've led a common life. There are no monuments dedicated to me and my name will soon be forgotten. But in one respect I have succeeded as gloriously as anyone who's ever lived: I've loved another with all my heart and soul; and to me, this has always been enough.

Later that day I got to thinking about relationships. There are those that open you up to something new and exotic, those that are old and familiar, those that bring up lots of questions, those that bring you somewhere unexpected, those that bring you far from where you started, and those that bring you back. But the most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you can find someone to love the you you love, well, that's just fabulous.

A woman needs to be held, even, and science has shown this, if its with someone she doesn't care about. Protective hormones are released, and the amount of hormones released depends on the degree to which she is held. The first and best is the complete surround. He wraps you in both arms, whispers how beautiful you are. Second best is the 'arm around.' He is next to you but with one arm around you. Third is he's just next to you on his elbow, but he rests his hand on your stomach and looks at you. Fourth is you snuggling up to him with your head on his chest, while he looks away into space. But when the first best happens, you feel completely, wonderfully like a woman.

So, so what, so fuck off, go home, leave you alone? I'll tell you something Paul, there isn't anything that I've wanted for eighteen years, cause I was a kid eighteen years ago. And if I did still want the same things I'd think I'd gone wrong somewhere, because actually I don't want to marry David Cassidy, I don't want bigger tits, I don't want to do better on my marks. I've stopped worrying about that kind of thing and maybe you should try.

Well maybe there's a big bit of you that's gone missing somewhere, maybe everyone should want something they've always wanted.

Why is it that adults aren't supposed to go mad about anything? You gotta keep a lid on it. And if you don't then people are apparently entitled to say what they like. "You haven't grown up. You're a moron. Your conversation is trivial and boorish. You can't express your emotional needs. You can't relate to your children." And you die, lonely and miserable. But you know, what the hell, every cloud has a silver lining.

I just woke up one morning and didn't feel the same way. Where did it go? It was like there had been a lot of food on a plate in front of us, and we ate it all really quickly, and then there was nothing left. Maybe that's how couples stay together: they're not greedy. They know that what they have in front of them has to last a long time, so they kind of pick at it. I hope it's not like that, though. I hope that when people are happy together, it feels as though someone keeps piling seconds and thirds on their plates.

That is what I have learned: Sex is destructive. Love is nothing to be fooled with. I learned that I was dangerous, not to be trusted. I wondered if my parents were right, with all of their stiff lovelessness. Maybe they knew better. My parents don't dole out love for the deserving or the undeserving. I was learning that love could cost me.

You could say all you liked about reason and logic and common sense and imagination, but when the chips were down, the one skill you needed was the ability to think about absolutely nothing whatsoever.

There is a comfort in never making an effort, but it's a lonely comfort. What keeps you going is the knowledge that you're only playing with only four cards showing. But when you see other people succeeding with their mediocre hands, you have to make a decision. If you turn over that final card you're certain of victory, but it also means you have nothing in reserve.

I’d gone through life believing in the strength and competence of others; never in my own. Now, dazzled, I discovered that my capacities were real. It was like finding a fortune in the lining of an old coat.

Maybe we all live life at too high a pitch, those of us who absorb emotional things all day, and as mere consequence we can never feel merely content: we have to be unhappy, or ecstatically, head-over-heels happy, and those states are difficult to achieve within a stable, solid relationship.