Friday, 28 December 2007
I know I should have more materials to write, but I have nothing new to tell these days! Hey, the fact that I just admitted that I had nothing exciting to blog is a material in itself, no???
Okay. It'll be the shortest post,then.
I'll be back on the 3rd and I'm sure to write more then! Cos even when I don't have anything to write about there, I could always comment on the funny bus drivers, flirtatious apartment guard, aunties and uncles in the hawkers, and myself, hahahaha!!!
In the mean time, here's to welcoming the new year!
Friday, 21 December 2007
This year has been so surreal. I experienced things I never thought I would, but time still moves on, and now one more year is being added to my unimpressive life resume and so I need this. I need to write something – anything to channel all these thoughts.
This day exactly last year I thought I’d seen everything, but I realized now that it was nothing. Yet, despite all that, I still felt like I haven’t done quite enough last years and I guess there are always bound to be some regrets or things you wished you haven’t done, no matter how fortunate and lucky your life has been. If I wasn’t even satisfied with myself last year when things were a lot better, then how could I be now?
Life has definitely been surreal for me; anything but fortunate. Every time I turn around, there just seemed to be yet another surprise being thrown at my direction and I can tell you for certain that I don’t like most of them. But what happened, happened. People who saw me emerge from this grief, this vindictive and cruel reality said that I am strong, that even though it has been very difficult, I still could move on and they admired me for that. They said I’m mature. I don’t mean to shrug off or dismiss their opinions, because hey, if there are any persons who think I’m strong and mature, then let them be. But no. What everyone saw was a person who was forced to deal, and that to me wasn’t maturity at all.
The real person who has emerged from this whole ordeal was someone who has completely lost faith; someone who doesn’t give a crap anymore about wishing; and someone who thinks that people are just supposed to deal and accept everything that happened because we have no other choice. I felt cheated by everything I used to believe in and I was anti-social for the longest time. What you get is a really pessimistic and bitter person. It didn’t seem like me, but it must have been me.
I spent more than half this year with my parents. I tried to be there for this family although sometimes it seemed really difficult, and if there is one thing I regret the most about myself, is this. Nobody has ever had any idea at how much I wish that I could turn back time.
When I was in Perth to take care of my mom, I was so frustrated and tired. I was complaining constantly about how much time I have spent there and about how many classes I had to miss because of it. After a month there, I practically couldn’t take all the boredom and loneliness anymore, so dad let me go home.
I’ve never admitted this to anyone else other than those closest to me because I’m so embarrassed of myself. And I feel like letting everyone know now, because I must be the most selfish person in this whole world. I want everybody to see that I can’t be further from mature, and if I am anything, it’s pure selfishness. I was an ungrateful child who only thinks about herself, and it’s eating me up because the amount of disappointment and pain I’ve caused my parents must be unimaginable, especially for my mom who was sick and obviously needed me there. Right after I got back, I felt so regretful, but there was no use, right? It was just an excuse – to justify the awful thing I have done to make me feel as if I was still capable of actually feeling, but the truth was, I must have been just a heartless robot.
There was nothing that could validate my actions, and it’s something I will have to live with. And in a way, I’m writing this not because I want sympathy or resentment, but just because this is the truth. There is no such thing as universal remote control where you can simply press rewind and change the past whenever you like, and now the guilt stays with me probably forever. I hope nobody else will ever learn this lesson the hard way when things simply are just too late.
During the hardest time, I learned about myself a lot more than I could ever imagine. I learnt that I tend to step away and hide when I’m feeling depressed. I learnt that I am not as extrovert and positive as everybody might think. I learnt that I fear loneliness more than anything. I learnt that I constantly need someone for myself, and that without it, something seems to be missing and I can’t be happy.
But, despite it all, there were some things I could still be grateful about. I am now closer to my family. I’ve spent more than three months home and it’s comforting to know that here you don’t have to worry about a thing because we take care of each others. No matter how bad you behaved, they are the ones that would always forgive. I spent more time with my dad and sisters; we went through all together, ups and downs. Now, I try to be more considerate and responsible, I feel the need to take care of my dad and little sister, I learn to be more understanding, less-selfish, independent and a mediator whenever troubles arise at home, I make more time to talk and ask my dad out, and so we come together in a way that we never did before. And I make a promise to myself that I will be good, I will make him proud because all this time I haven’t been able to do anything significant.
I appreciate my friends more too, because throughout this period, even though they weren’t nearby, even though sometimes I simply shut down and it just didn’t look as if I was making enough effort to keep in touch, they didn’t give up. In the end, their supports mattered to me more than I was willing to admit but they did.
All in all, it has been such an overwhelming year, but I learned my mistakes. As a person, I was a failure and I’m more than happy to let this day go by without any celebrations, because really, there isn’t anything worth celebrating. I will be glad when this day is over. I just want to look forward to next year because things just can’t get any worse, right?
I hope, if anything, everything that has happened would teach me how to be better, how to be all that I wasn’t, changed all that I lacked, all that I regretted, all that I couldn’t do.
I’ve always thought that I was someone full of optimism and it surprised me how much my view has changed towards some things. It’s not that I regret it, I guess now I’m much more realistic. Just like Ethan Hawke said, “life's hard. It's supposed to be. If we didn't suffer, we'd never learn anything.”
I had many ambitions but I did nothing to materialize them yet. I wanted to write more, I wanted to learn Chinese, I wanted to draw more, I wanted to read more, but there just seemed to be no right time and instead I ended up not doing anything. These last months that I’ve been at home, I feel like I’m hibernating. I’m falling back into a comfortable routine where my laundry is magically clean again, food appears on the table at any time of the day, bed made up, and driver ready at a fingertip, but now I’m just simply restless to change, to make the most of my time and to make them proud. There’s finally a reason, a purpose to look forward to in the upcoming year.
Every year, I always said that I wanted to be better, that somehow a birthday marks an importance to change and grow, and I know it shouldn’t work that way because we have to constantly strive to be better and the time isn’t supposed to be limited to a year-period only, but sometimes we need a little push to find the reason to evaluate, to look back at everything you’ve accomplished and mistakes you’ve made. After all, it is your day out of the whole year.
Another year probably can’t do much to this world. I don’t intend to inspire people or make a difference to the humankind. But I just want to keep being myself, the myself who has gone though a lot, the myself who has learned from her mistakes, the myself who still treasures the importance of family and friends, now more than ever, and the myself who has simply known better.
Somewhere along the way, I am now twenty one. And I hope that is not a bad thing.
Tuesday, 18 December 2007
Weddings used to be insignificant to me. Not the concept of wedding in itself, more because I’ve attended far too many strangers’ weddings; weddings of people whose faces I didn’t even recognize, weddings of just another random individuals, weddings which I came just for formality and for showing my face up to the couple because it seemed polite and appropriate, but the truth of the matter was, it hardly made any difference at all whether I came or not, because I was just referred as somebody else’s daughter. And I’m not even complaining here because it’s always nice, I guess, to attend weddings. See, there’s the free food and everything. Okay, that’s just one thing, I’m sure there are a lot other reasons to be looked forward to in weddings, I just haven’t known exactly what.
I had little memory of anyone’s weddings, see, there was my uncle’s and I was the little flower girl but I don’t think that counts. After all, I was practically still a toddler then. There were also a lot of relatives’ weddings, but the problem was, those were always the ones which I didn’t even know I was related to until the exact moment. So I’m sorry if there were never any tear-jerking moments in my dictionary.
The last couple of weddings that I attended to when I was here in Jakarta were those held in Four Seasons and J.W. Marriott. They were undoubtedly rich and fancy. In the Four Seasons, the reception was in the private suite, so it wasn’t as big as the usual ballroom suite, but something tells me it could have cost probably even more. The reception place was divided into several smaller rooms with exquisite dishes and there was also an outdoor space where we could get some air and enjoy a cozier and more relaxing ambience. It was really a beautiful place but all we did there was eating and then we’re off. I have to say it held no memory whatsoever. I mean, except for the place and food, of course. Have I mentioned that they served sushi there? I definitely will remember it for that one fact only.
The one in J.W. Marriott was even fancier. The ballroom was gigantic, and the food could feed practically the rest of the third world counties. The reception was much more traditional and proper. It seemed a bit over-the-top, if you asked me. With all the ballads performance? But then again, maybe there’s no such thing as too over-the-top in a wedding. After all, there will only be one in someone’s entire life so I’d spare them some mercy. They could hire ballerinas; they could invite the president, they could serve wedding cake made entirely by diamonds and gold, they could even flaunt a-million-dollar-wedding gown if they wished and you wouldn’t hear even a remark from me. From what I can tell, they served sushi too, but it was already gone when I realized! All that’s left were pieces of the ice that was used to chill the sushi, and not even a single salmon was visible. Although disappointed, I tasted very delicious mushroom soup there, which reminded me a bit of the one at the Soup Spoon. The soup was just so thick and chunks of mushroom were just heavenly. I made a mental note to do exactly that (visit the Soup Spoon and have sushi buffet) in Singapore.
When I attended the wedding in Bali, which was of two persons I didn’t even know, it was probably the first time after the longest time that I felt some pickles of human emotions. The guy seemed so genuine and romantic and I think the sunset and the ocean had something to do with that. The place was absolutely gorgeous and the ceremony was done in such grace and elegance and although it might seem too overwhelming at times, (imagine: food parade and fire-dance performance, oh, and how could I forget the seven-course meals?) somehow they made it look real and sincere.
It’s always nice to be reminded sometimes that my heart isn’t made of steel. Well.
Today is the first after a long time I witnessed a special wedding, of someone that is really close to me ever since I was a baby. He’s practically a real brother and it could be weird to think of him as a married man now. Time really flies, doesn’t it?
I’m so happy for him and I look at him with a new respect now, because he is strong and dependable and I have no doubt that he will make a great family.
All this wedding talk is making me a bit light-headed. I’m just gonna go back to my usual insignificant choice of topics: food, gossips and ramblings?
Sunday, December 16, 2007
So. What occupies my mind on this lazy Sunday? Let’s see. I just had my first cup of coffee today, and you may call me as somewhat a coffee junkie these days. There were times when I had fruit juices every morning (orange, carrot, tomato, and not even I knew what else my maid put in there, I was just too trusting and innocent to yet find out), and when I was in Perth and Singapore I was totally obsessed with Milo that’s all I thought about first thing after waking up: a glass of yummy hot chocolate. Now, back home, the craving shifted to cappuccino. Dad is a sucker for this thing too, so imagine the two of us still in pajamas and sleepy-looking faces, sitting every morning with cups of coffee, talking gibberish and having ‘where are you going today?’ and ‘can I go to the mall and shop and waste your money away?’ discussion. It’s my typical morning routine here and it’s priceless. Ha!
But as the coffee-obsession continues to strike in, I find myself craving for more caffeine during the day. So sometimes, I gulp down ice coffee again at lunch time and have another cappuccino in the evening just because I’m feeling rather hungry but it’s simply too early for meals so coffee is the solution.
But you know, I think it isn’t bad at all. An acquaintance of mine admitted that he used to drink coffee up to 20 plus cups per day. Now that’s what I called addiction. He’d be depressed without a rush of caffeine. So as long as I don’t cross that line, I think I’ll be okay.
Yesterday I went out with dad to check out cameras, because face it, my camera is gazillion years old. It doesn’t have attractive exterior, the screen is tiny, the battery is leaking, and it’s still only 4 mega-pixels. Even the new Nokia phone has better camera resolution and it’s not even a real camera. So I think it’s about time to do a bit of upgrading and even though I probably am the most technology-blind-person in the entire planet, at least I gave it a shot.
Dad wasn’t helping either. He left me alone to do his own business and engage in conversation with his friend while I was standing there in front of shops displaying numerous cameras which to me, on first glance, looked exactly identical and I was like a fish out of the water. I didn’t know which brand to look, which qualification to look for, and before you could say anything, yes, I know I’m hopeless.
So, I just grabbed one of the salesperson there and asked him to give me some points, or more like, a lesson from Idiot’s Guide to Buying a Camera book. Olympus is of course, supposed to be good, but I was opting for something else. Sony seemed good too, and at first I was interested in one Sony type because frankly, the exterior was just great and I do want to have a gorgeous-looking-camera. It was only available in standard silver color, though, and again, my sis and dad’s cameras are all in silver so I thought a change might be good. But that wasn’t quite the deciding factor. I had to take the price into consideration also, and to be honest I didn’t even know how much a decent camera is supposed to cost. My sister’s Olympus camera was worth 4 million but it was bought quite a while ago and at that time, that model was the newest so it must have been expensive, although it’s only 4 mega pixels. But, that Olympus camera looks good, it has a lens lid which opens and closes automatically and maybe 4 million is worth it. But I have to be more reasonable, right? I wouldn’t just pick up the most expensive or the most technology-advanced camera in sight, you may think I’m a shopaholic but I am at least a very considerate one. (My dad would so disagree on this, he would say, ‘then don’t buy a camera altogether so not a penny of my money would be spent’)
So I was looking at some options of camera which only cost around a million to two. Okay, drop the ‘only’ in the last sentence.
And the Sony type I was talking before was just on that price range and the guy filled me in on all the qualities, it was 7 or so mega pixels. Personally, I liked the outlook of that particular one and the screen was also big while the other profiles were basically standard.
But then I saw Samsung camera and I fell in love too. And the sales person saw it right through me and quickly went to take out the model for me to check out. He was pretty excited too at this point and told me all the good points and while I was looking at both the Sony and Samsung types to compare, he went on to say that the Samsung model is far more superior to the Sony one, although luckily for me, the price is cheaper. I asked him how that could be possible and he smiled while simply letting his fingers runs through the word ‘Sony’ in the camera. Okay, so it’s a matter of which one is the more famous brand? It doesn’t really matter to me, though, I think Samsung is a perfectly good brand too, and if it so happens that the better option is cheaper, then who am I to complain?
Anyway, the Samsung was 8.1 mega pixels with better screen resolution and it already has face-detector and anti-blur selections. It could take multiple shots at the same time, take pictures straight from the video and also take 30 continuous shots just by one click, resulting in a cartoon-like-effect, if you know what I mean. The charger is in the same cable as its USB, and you could even charge the camera from your computer using the USB cable so you can do so in the car, or wherever else. And you know what’s better? It has one in red! I am so in love.
I spent quite some time playing with the camera, clicking here and there until finally dad came. He gave me ‘are you sure you want this?’ look while I excitedly nodded.
No, no, I haven’t bought it..yet. It’s not quite a spontaneous purchase but in the mean time, I don’t see what’s wrong with drooling and dreaming over a perfectly gorgeous looking camera. It’s so close I could almost taste it.
Obviously I need to move on. I didn’t realize I have written this much, but I just can’t stop talking when I’m excited. Anyway, before the camera hunting, I accompanied Dad see a warehouse sale on electronics. The place was this huge, unmaintained, dirty and gloomy-looking garage and for the event, it was filled with electronic stuffs aligned and little stands in the side and the people were just scattering around, busily looking for the best deals and boy, there were a lot of people. It was hot and damp, and I braced through it because dad wanted to check prices of some refrigerators, and I’m sorry for sounding like a prissy, but it wasn’t top on my favorite places to be. I was more than happy when he was finally done with his business. I was happiest when he scurried me down the hall to the exit sign, I think. After the camera hunting, Dad and I had a quick green-bean dessert at a nearby shop and at night we were out again for some express grocery shopping.
My younger sister and I topped up the night by watching Asian Idol on TV and I was real happy when Hadi from Singapore walked away with the title. All in all, yesterday was a really good day. Now, if you excuse me, I’m going to think of that Samsung L-830 camera again.
So far as the day goes on today, it hasn’t been quite historical yet. It’s Monday so Dad’s off for work and my younger sister is busily playing play station which is all she does these days, and I just finished watching ‘Derailed’ on VCD that I rented yesterday. And we’ve also had a really delicious lunch, courtesy of my great cook. The menu were macaroni, sausages, carrot and corn soup (no, they were mixed together, c’mon, I didn’t eat that many kinds of soup in one meal!), deep fried prawn, fried frogs in sweet butter sauce, and my personal favorite, hot fried mushrooms. Homemade food is so much better on most occasions.
Friday, 14 December 2007
Anyway, it is interesting to be in an internet place, moreover, having to pay for the amount of time you spend! It's just funny, I feel like a dog is just ready to bite me in the arse. Okay, this is so totally unnecessary.
I wanted to write about my trip to Bali but that would be a very long post indeed and I better do it some other time when the clock is not constantly ticking away.
Just one thing I'm going to say about the trip: it was fabulous.
We were pampered at the hotel, went to the most expensive wedding ever where I got 7-course meals complete with wine, did some shopping, hung out at the beach, sat in cafes and restaurants at night, sat in the sand looking at the ocean, and I guess most of all, I had the most wonderful companion.
I stayed there for four days three nights and everything was just great. It has been awhile since the whole family had a trip anywhere, so it was always nice to spend time together and have fun.
Okay then. That's it for now, I hope to go back to Singapore at early January and I'll have be 21 by then! Wow.
P.S: Babe, I already sent you a text, but just in case somehow you didn't get it yesterday, I want to wish you the best birthday ever! It's another year for us to rip the place apart! I hate you!;)
This evening I called what I thought was Domino’s Pizza. When we were smaller we used to order cheese pizza all the time because we’re just suckers for cheese in general, plus this tradition has gone on ever since we watched Home Alone. Anyway, the conversation went on like this, and I’m not even exaggerating.
“Hello? Dominos’ Pizza?”
“I want to order pizza and get it delivered?”
“Um.. Cheese pizza, please?”
(Shouldn’t he ask me which size I want?)
“Well? How many pieces are there in the small size?”
“Huh? How many?”
“HOW MANY SLICES ARE THERE IN THE SMALL SIZE???”
“Hm..Yaa…around 6 or something..”
“How about the medium size?”
“Well..maybe 10 or 9?”
“Fine! The medium size then!”
“How much is it?”
“HOW MUCH IS IT?????”
“BEEJEZUS! HOW MUCH IS THE MEDIUM SIZE?!!”
“Yea…50 thousand, lah!”
“Are you kidding me??!! 50 thousand for MEDIUM SIZE?”
“Around 49 thousand?”
“FUCK! WHAT DO YOU BLOODY MEAN BY ‘AROUND’?!!! HOW MUCH IS THE FIXED PRICE?!!!!!”
By this time, I was so frustrated I almost scratched my head off! No, I almost BANGED MY SKULL TO THE WINDOW SHIELD!!!
IS IT THAT HARD FOR A GIRL TO ORDER A PIZZA AROUND HERE???!!!
I banged the telephone down, feeling hopelessly frustrated and HUNGRY! You know, with that kind of person in charge of HANDLING CALLS FROM CUSTOMERS, I wouldn’t be too surprised if the next thing I know, I would get VARIOUS PARTS OF HUMAN BODY instead of PIZZA delivered right to my doorstep!
Wednesday, 12 December 2007
Bali wasn't called 'Land of God' for nothing! It was absolutely gorgeous! The beach, the scenery, the people, the ambience, everything was just so different in a great way;)
Anyway, I can't write much now, but I promise I will soon!
Take care, everyone!:)
Sunday, 2 December 2007
But this week I decided to take an action because it started to bother me badly. I’m not a big fan of glasses. I don’t mind wearing glasses occasionally when I read at night or when I stay at home, but on day-to-day-basic, I can’t say that I like it. Maybe I have been so used to wearing contacts, maybe I have been used to the feeling of having nothing hanging from my ear and my nose, or maybe in a more superficial reason, I simply don’t look like myself in one. All in all, let’s just say that my sentiment towards glasses won’t bring you to tears or inspire you in any way anytime soon. Unlike my mutually-symbiotic relationship with, let’s say, cheese and camera. Ha, kidding.
So, I went to the doctor to get my eye checked. Well, technically, I went to the hospital, but it seems way over the top and dramatic to say that I’ve been to a hospital. So for once I prefer to be un-dramatic although that can be surprising for some. Maybe I just mature significantly.
I waited in the hall for the doctor for some good ten minutes and luckily, dad was with me so I had someone to bug. I wasn’t nervous or anything, but I guess going to any doctor is bound to give you a certain uncomfortable feeling. I always feel like the doctor would know everything at the instant second he saw me, that he simply just prolonged the agony by making use of those complicated machines and examining me closely. Well, so, I finally got in and explained my complaints to him, and I was asked to sit in the intimidating chair where I had to press my head into a hole in the machine. The nurse lifted my chair high, as if I was too short for the doctor to even have a look. If I didn’t know better or wasn't too busy preparing myself for the worst possibility that I could suddenly turn color-blind or whatever, I would think that that was almost an insult.
He looked at my eye for a minute, undoubtedly having it at super-zoom and probably seeing my super-dust-polluted eye in all its glory. I don’t even want to imagine. Then he twisted the skin above my eye, and with that, he said that I had an infection.
Now, I think this is the best scenario. I mean, he didn’t say ‘you have cataract’ or mentioned anything with the words ‘blind’, ‘color’, ‘abnormal’, ‘surgery’ or ‘terrible unfortunate incident for someone so young’, so I think ‘infection’ is sufficient enough for me to be relieved.
He said it was bacteria, he told me not to use contacts for the time being, sterilize it, and use the medicines he later prescribed. He then continued by scribbling something down at my folio, (clearly intimidating), and drawing what’s supposedly my eye, and adding marks around the infected area.
Anyway, so I’ve been living with my glasses for these past two days. Those, and my medicines as well, which I had easy since those were only two sets of eye drops, non invasive at all, I mean, I wasn’t poked by needles or had my ass inserted by pills or whatever. But every time I use the eye drop, my eye gets itchy for some seconds and I keep having a disturbing image in my head that at that exact moment, the ‘drop’ is fighting all sorts of germs erratically inside this apparently-non-virginal-eye.
I was told to report back to the doctor in a week’s time and I really hope it will have been better by then. No, I hope it’ll get better tomorrow. I’d like to think I’m an optimist. Ha!
Monday, 26 November 2007
Okay, 5 seconds into this and I’m already babbling. Good way to impress the readers.
I’m doing okay here, I guess. I’m a little bit homesick, to be honest, which is funny because this is home and I don’t know since when that I started to consider Singapore my home too. I just realized that apparently I do. But then again, maybe it’s more than just the place. It’s just, I do nothing here and I feel my youth slipping away…No, no, I mean, I feel like I can do a lot of useful things back home. And it’s not like I’m saying that I’m completely useless here, well, I’m here for my dad and my sisters, keep them company and make noise in the house so it can never get too quiet and everything, but what about me? Technically I do nothing here besides going out with family and friends, watching DVDs and far too much MTV and E!, playing playstation, eating out and enjoying the luxury of maids and driver’s service, shopping, attending weddings..Believe me, it gets boring after a while. Sure you get to have fun without worrying about school and jobs but most of the time, you just want your activities back because then you wouldn’t feel like you’re just sitting here and being stuck while everyone else is moving forward. Guess when you’re in the midst of a hectic life, you wish for a calm and tranquil holiday, and when you do have one, all you want is the sound of phone’s reminders and days full of schedules and activities again.
So just to catch up, I spent last weekend staying over at a hotel in a beach. Believe me, it sounded a lot better than it actually was. Firstly, it was freaking hot out there and it has gotten impossible to be able to enjoy yourself without constant worry that you might burst into flame in any second. There was just this boiling and scorching heat that penetrated you straight to the brain, I think my skin’s shade has blackened at least a few strips down. Well, at least I saw the sea. I could say that proudly and let you all think that I ran around in the glamorous beach with a bikini on and drank lychee martini while suntanning and a masseur ready at a fingertip.
Here I also have the chance to attend too many weddings that I wish to care. I just realize that people are getting married all the time! I’m not really complaining as it gives me an excuse to dress up and score free food. And by now I’m certain that not in a million years will I ever hire ballerinas to dance in my wedding, no matter how romantic and exquisite it sounds!
Next month is going to be an exciting time for me! My closest cousin is getting married, I’m going to Bali, and there’s this one huge thing I’m really looking forward to! No, not my turning-21-birthday! Gosh suddenly I feel so old and elderly. No, the thing is, there’s another big thing and I don’t want to say it now but let’s just say that the day will probably be the most exciting and terrifying time ever.
I’m getting fatter too here. Hello?! Have you ever tasted the food here? It’s just awesome, you never ran out of good food around here. I’m constantly conscious of the level of sugar and fat that I have put on my mouth but I just can’t stop it.
I’m even writing here while munching over my favorite snack at the moment – milk bread. A heavenly soft and round bread with a sweet taste that is just pure addictive.
But other than my ballooning body and a slight change of hairstyle, I’m still the same old, same old. Still a camera addict, if you know what I mean.
Just a few pictures and you won't believe how much time I needed just to post these! Internet here is so unbelievable.
Hope to write again soon;) In the mean time, take care!
Monday, 22 October 2007
As usual, my packing has been going really, really slow, and I foresee I'll just start acting like somebody caught me on fire tomorrow (me, going back and forth, putting things on the bag, remembering something, going to the bathroom, putting something again, going out to the living room, stopping in the kitchen, grabbing something, putting something in, mentally kicking myself for forgetting other things,..and probably I'll just end up in the bed again because of near panic attack and extreme exhaustion.)
I'm still not sure as when I'm going back here again, but I kinda don't want to worry about that now. And I'm getting seriously sleepy although it's just 9.30. This must be a record.
So, with that said, here is a nice song I grew to really like. It's an Indonesian song I accidentally listened to this afternoon and I thought it sounded really nice. It makes me feel sad whenever I listen to it, maybe it's the melody, maybe it's the lyric, most likely it's the combination of both. Just as long as you don't pay too much attention to the lead singer. =p
See the video hereGoodnight everyone, and catch you later soon:) *hugs*
Sunday, 21 October 2007
Maybe I was missing my shame gene when I was born, maybe it was cut and thrown away together with my belly-button-line (huh?), wait, wait, perhaps it was preserved, saved in a bottle marked 'Baby X's Shame' for purpose of future study, I don't know, but it's obviously non-existent within me.
In high school, during languange class, each group was supposed to send one representative up in front of the class to do a bit of sharing. Yeah, they said sharing. To me, it was more like self-humiliation. 'Which poor child shall we traumatize for life next?' It might as well be the title of the class. So, guess who did my group pick to be put into charade for all to cheer on?
a) me, b) me, me, me c) gullible little me d) I said, me!
Well, during that time, I didn't even have time to protest, or to voice my deep angst or complaints of the world's unfairness, the next thing I knew I was up there, looking down at all 36 of my classmates, literally, (cos of course it wasn't enough just to humiliate you, but they made you stand up in the stairs to further bruise you for self-mortification) and I was supposed to entertain these strangers (because we had no blood-connection whatsoever) and tell them stories on my embarrassing experience.
Momentarily I paused, stopped to think and came out empty. There was no interesting experience I could really think of, except this certain incident which happened like, a week before. In that split second, I decided, 'ah sod it, I will tell them this story even though it will cost me my womanly dignity!' See how much of a team-player I was? I was practically and volunteraly rising up to the ocassion just to make sure my group got good mark! Okay, honestly, I wasn't that heroic at all, I was concerned about my grade too, c'mon.
Anyway, I didn't want to go into details as what I actually talked about up there in the class, but let's just say that it had more or less something to do with...my time of the month, guys, aerobic movements, oblivion, and a lot of blood.
Since then on, everyone would gasp everytime they heard the story, because they just couldn't believe I picked that above all experiences! I mean, they thought surely I had more normal humiliating incidents I could talk about, like maybe, falling down the stairs, tripping in heels on a first date, choking ungracefully in a 5-stars hotel or..whatever, you know? Well, sure, I'm certain I had other embarrassing events other than that particular woman-period, such as hmm, that one time when I pissed in the public place? Or when I threw up in restaurant, perhaps? Would you rather listen to those?
I have to assure you that it wasn't my fault I got this shameless, you gotta blame my doctor, or at least the pediatrician for bottling my shame gene! One good thing about the whole experience was, I got the highest mark in class, hahaha! (I don't know if I should cry or laugh, actually)
With that said, let's get back to present tense, shall we? I was just telling a bit of background on the whole shameless episode, and how I could get until this point now. Not really a journey full of innocence, laughter, joy, and bliss, is it?
Yesterday I went out with my friend for dinner, movie, music and drinks and I had to say, it was one great night, it might have just been perfect if this did not happen. The story goes like this. I was already reaching Taka when I realized uhm.. my neighbor has come. Damn it, my friend came soon after so I haven't had time to buy some bread to entertain the neighbor. (is this sentence full of metaphore or what?!) At first, I was just casually acting as if nothing happened and we proceed to Ichiban Boshi for our dinner. But nearing the end of it, I knew that I had to do something about this, I couldn't just let it be, you know? And there was no way I could do anything without letting my friend know.
"Um...hey..can I confess something?"
"Yeah, what?" he asked, probably thinking I would just about to say 'I'm still hungry'.
"Um, it's kinda embarrassing.."
Now he was listening. "What?"
Oh damn it, might as well go ahead with it.
"This is my time of the month..." I silently whispered.
"Ohh.." he was unsure what to say.
"And I wasn't..um..prepared.." I continued licking my wound.
"Ohh...oookay...and??" now it was officially awkward.
"I need to go to convenient store to buy some..um..tampon..Where is the nearest?"
"Uh..maybe Cheers at Cine since we're about to go there too, right?"
"....Yeah, talked about bad timing. I just realized it when I was here."
"...Yeah, so I was just putting in some tissues.."
"......................................................umm...tissue, great. Tissue is great."
"...Yeah, it is.."
"...Let's get the hell outta here."
OMG! Why?! Why?! Why?! Why did I get so stupid? Why did I even have to mention about bloody tissues?! Oh thank God, he is one of my closest friend so the level of humiliation wasn't as fatal as if I was with a hot date or something. I might as well stab myself, put some salt into it, lick my own wound and...oh shit, that is a really disturbing image.
So afterwards, we walked to Cine as planned, and I got so discomforted until I almost strangled the guy who stopped us in the middle of the street to fill in some questionnaires. Didn't he see that I was practically grimacing, sneering, scowling, frowning, grinning all in one time?!
When we almost reached, something odd happened. There were many guys dressing in red scattering around the street, and passing some packages to the passers-by. Well, it wasn't an unusual sight in Orchard Road, so I thought it must have just been some brochures or product samples which we would never use anyway. But when one handed me the package, I simply accepted, feeling more than ready to mock and make fun of anything it'd turn out to be.
My friend grabbed it from my hand, and read the words on the package loudly.
....and inside were two packs of...tampon.
SERIOUSLY SOMEBODY PLEASE JUST SHOOT ME RIGHT HERE RIGHT NOW!!!!!!! SOMETHING PLEASE SWALLOW ME TO THE GROUND!!!! ANYTHING TO MAKE ME DISSAPEAR FROM THE FACE OF THE EARTH!!!!!!!!!!
He couldn't stop laughing, I couldn't stop sneering while mentally blushing, kicking myself, hypervilenting, grasping for air, and ....... (free insertions here)
And that was when, I blantantly, clearly, unmistakenly saw my dignity, my remaining dignity, fly away to Timbuktu.
I ended up not buying those from Cheers, but I felt like I should hide there, say...I don't know..try, forever?????!!!!!!???!!!
Really, how awfully embarrassing could the day get?!!?!
I have the overwhelming urge to QUICKLY CHANGE THE SUBJECT now!!! Well, yeah..So..uhm..we..uh...yeah..in the end we saw another chinese movie called 'Brothers' and surprisingly I liked it! Yeah well Andy Lau played in it, but he wasn't the leading role, maybe he is getting old, uhm, I really like the 'big brother' character but he ended up dead so it was sad, uhm, yeah..I really don't know what I'm saying..After the movie, I actually wanted to see another foreign movie, there's this one which looked really interesting, it's called 'The Italian', but my friend wasn't up for it, that was when I missed my sister cos she's as crazy about movie as me so if only I were with her, she would have gladly agreed to have round two!
We just finally listened to Cats in E Cradle playin' at IndoChine while having some drinks.
I didn't know what I was doing but I just took the picture of the candle with no apparent reason.
...and took one with my friend, but my phone had this bad camera night quality, I had to edit it myself and just give some effects cos it looked worse otherwise.
All in all, the day went good, despite some major, uhm, embarrassing flaws.
I had this major, major cold since yesterday, and literally throughout the day until this second I can't stop sneezing, I keep having running nose, I have to constantly blow it, it's just awful. Maybe it's the lack of sleep, I don't know, but I feel so sick. Already bought Panadol cold last night but I haven't seen any significant effect. I hate being sick, and now my throat is painful if I swallow too.
I don't want to come home and be sick! I hope this will get better soon. Last night I had to sleep with the air-con set at 25 degrees and it was literally room-temperature so it wasn't cold, or even cool at all, in fact, it was a bit warm but I had to bear with it cos I didn't want to constantly wake up during the night with blocked nose.
My flight is in two days, eh, actually, just slightly more than a day. I have mix feeling about it. I'm looking forward to see everyone again back home but it's hard, you know. I feel like I want to hide here forever, like, I just don't wanna deal. I don't know, I feel awful.
Sorry. Hey, I better take off and hopefully I can write again soon. I don't think I'll be writing much once I'm home, no internet connection and all.
TIl then, keep your shame, ha!
Thursday, 18 October 2007
John Cusack, Ethan Hawke and Steve Martin, just to mention a few. I think these people are just amazing. Do you even know that aside from acting, directing, and swimming with money, (I imagine their bed to be crafted by gold, their spoons are made from real elephant trunks, their plates from purest silver, I am dramatic) they also write books and movie screenplays? I am such a sucker for writers, end of story.
I think I'd die of happiness if one day I would be able to write for my living. Just the image of seeing my name printed out in a publication is almost making me lightheaded and dizzy with pride. Okay, I'm totally drooling. Snap out of it!
So. Yesterday was the last day of my philosophy class and that's it, no more Aristotle, Antigone, Creon, Oedypus, Socrates, Plato, no more 'theory of pleasure', 'terror of history', 'realist thesis', 'utilitarianism', no more 'how can you tell for certain that what you see is real', no more 'what if the evil demon is deceiving us' ! Finally I'm back to the superficial life.
Things have been pretty mundane in my life. Two days ago I had sushi buffet (which I had to skip half of the class for, because I was literally incapable of digressing words, the image of sushi just kept dancing in my eyes and I couldn't take it anymore, I had, and I mean, I had to leave. The circumstances left me with no choice but to pursue this craving, oh I smell a drama-queen alert?!)
I don't have much of a break, though, cos tomorrow is another exam, different subject, but exam, nevertheless. Fortunately the material isn't that difficult, the only thing I gotta learn is the rules in writing in APA styles, you know, how to state the right numerals, titles, places, abbreviation, all sorts of technical things. I suppose it shouldn't be too hard.
Okay, before I go, look what I just found in my friend's friendster!
This is like..I don't know, a million, no, zillion years ago????!! Okay, I'm exaggerating, I think it's just one and a half year ago but it felt like forever! I looked so different, terrible, almost. I really miss them.
Tuesday, 16 October 2007
Today, I almost slipped twice in the wet pavements.
I guess you can say it's still okay as long as there's no one in sight to witness me in all that glory.
I tripped in front of two guys on my way home.
Holy shit! Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!
My mind was repeating the word over and over again while I was trying so hard to regain my composure and collect all my remaining dignity up from the hard concrete floor. There wasn't much left.
I hate, just hate making a complete beejezus fool out of myself.
Oh holy cow. Maybe I should've not depended my life on that anorexic book!
Long story short, I think it wasn't my proudest accomplishment. Tomorrow we're supposed to be given back the paper, fully graded, and well, let's just say that I'm not exactly beaming with confidence.
After the dreaded paper, we still studied for another hour or so, learning about the realist theory or something like that. Hey, I'm pretty sure it was that! I was in the class, okay! Sure, I might have been daydreaming a little bit, but I assure you, I was still listening. I guess. I must have been. I should have been. Right? Well, this particular theory is somewhat a bit confusing too because it deals with the concept of reality - what is reality, actually? Is it made up by our subjective experiences? If yes, then what is the real reality? How can we be certain of our own knowledge? How do we know, that what we think, is real? How do we even know, that we're living this world and experiencing these things for real? Not just some sort of life-projector someone out there is pulling on us?
I mean, I have troubles enough dealing with things that I know, I don't think I want to even wonder about the things that I have no knowledge on, let alone those that I have never thought before. Funny, but I guess philosophy does that to you - makes you question things you are never aware of. Suddenly we are given these topics and we are expected to give our opinions on the matter where we needed time just to process the theory or the question because we never know that theory existed and furthermore, we simply must know our own view in regards to that. I can be a deep thinker sometimes too, but I just don't question such things!
The class ended, and I met with my good old friend at Vivo. We ended up watching The Nanny's Diary, and although the story was pleasantly flowing, I couldn't exactly comment it as special. I like Scarlett Johansson in it, though. I think she is a really great versatile actress who can make even unlikely character work. And of course, you won't hear me complaining about Chris Evans either. His hotness is universally acclaimed, I guess.
The interesting thing happened on the way home. Well, because the movie ended at 11.30, we had just enough time to catch the bus back. My friend stayed in Clementi so we hopped in the same bus together and I figured once I got to Clementi, I could easily take another bus back home or easier, just taxi, since it wouldn't be too far anyway. So yeah, at around 12 plus we alighted at Clementi, not at the interchange, though. Upon after taking a look at the directory board, I saw that there was still one bus that would be going to my direction, Chinese Garden. Confidently I got in there even though I had no idea in which part of Chinese Garden it would stop, I just merely assumed it would be very near to my place. After all, how far can two places be in the same area?!
How naive I must have been. My adventurous-evil-twin must have kicked in the wrong time and wrong place because, well, no, scratch that. I don't even have an adventurous evil twin because I bloody suck at direction! And who was I, what was I thinking, to practice my directionally-challenged state at 12.30 in the morning when it was dark and quiet and when I was totally and utterly...alone?!! So, after asking the bus driver, I alighted at the dark street and just walked totally blinded to the light...no, I mean, walked to an alley the driver pointed me to go. I walked, and walked, and I tried to see my surroundings, to recognize anything familiar at all, but everything just looked foreign. I walked some more minutes only to realize that one way lead to a closed road, and the other to...well, I'm not sure, actually, but it was just long narrow dark empty street, and I was pretty sure it wasn't the right way home. While cursing myself silently, finally I surrendered and walked back to the main street in which I shamefully hailed a cab. And it took me straight to the front of my lift.
*Saying this by throwing a tantrum at myself* I mean, why didn't I just take a cab in the first place?!!!!! When I was walking, I encountered a woman who came up to me and said something in chinese to which, I gave a complete blank look. She repeated the question some more times, but the problem was not that I didn't hear it well enough, it's just I do not understand chinese, okay! Even if you repeat it over and over again until your mouth is soapy and full of bubbles, I still wouldn't be able to respond! The weird thing was, she was with an Indian guy, and when the woman asked me the question in chinese, I looked up to the guy and gave him this troubled look saying 'help me here, man, what is she saying?' I mean, okay, he is Indian and he probably does not speak chinese as well, but at least he was with her!!!! But the guy shrugged and shook his head, signaling that he, too, did not understand what the girl said, so in the end I walked away but then I thought to myself, if the girl only speaks chinese and the guy, say, only speaks english, then HOW THE HELL DID THOSE TWO KNOW EACH OTHER?!! The world never ceased to amaze me, sometimes.
In the taxi, too, suddenly the uncle asked, 'You just went fishing, is it????' Huh?! Fishing? Let me paint you a picture. Me, a young clueless girl wearing a T-Shirt and a skirt, clutching Mango and Gap shopping bags, with a bag on my shoulder. And sure, doesn't that just scream FISHING????????
Of course, what else have I been doing if not fishing???? Obvious question, right????
Okay, that about sums up the whole day. It's almost 3 now and I should really get some sleep if I want to look at least 2 years younger than I actually am. Ha!
Saturday, 13 October 2007
So, just a bit of news, I have exam this Monday on either these following topics:
1) Analysis of the archaic peoples' view of the relation between mundane world and the transcendent world.
2) Aristotle's idea of moral virtues between extremes of excess and deficiency.
3) Analysis of the two main characters in the book 'Antigone' based on Aristotle's view on 'the mean'.
I'm so fucking toast.
There should be the textbooks on those topics but I don't even have one, ladies and gentlemen! And today I was dedicated enough to actually go to the library to try looking for the books there, but guess what???!! What???!!
The bloody library is CLOSED!!!!!!!
And now let us toast our champagne for the miserable future-exam-failure of Miss TIna!!!! Oh Gosh, what now?! If today the library's closed, what are the chances of it opens tomorrow?!
Slim to none???????
No book, no nothing! I have absolutely NO idea how to answer the questions! Surely I can always bullshit my way out of it, but seriously! This is so depressing.
Anyway. I'm feeling tired, thanks to a friend who came over at 1 last night and we talked until I DON'T KNOW WHAT TIME??!!! GEE!! I should've put up a 'visiting hour' or something!
Nah, I'm kidding. Always a pleasure babbling.
Okay, now I'm being serious. During our, I don't know, 4 hours conversation, maybe, we managed to talk about anything and nothing in particular. Well, isn't that what makes it so nice? Wanted to try laying down in the empty street (we're suckers for The Notebook), but it wasn't late enough for the road to be completely empty and I don't want to die being hit by a truck yet. And wanted to steal some nice cars down the parking lot but the security guard was definitely keeping an eye on us. (looks like we're victims of Gone in Sixty Seconds as well).
Okay so picture picture!
with my cute littler sister! She's only 16 but she's already almost as tall as me! I wonder if I'm the one who's short or...???
People always say my older and younger sister look alike, and that I'm the different one. Am always teased as 'mulan' - nemu di jalan, which is the indonesian for 'found in the street'. Damn! If only I was found, surely it would have been in a expensive luxurious hotel! Not in the street, okay!
My little cousin who brings 'cute' back! He's sooooooooooooooooo cute! But wait until you hear him scream! There's no way someone that small and fragile and vulnerable can scream like that! It's just beyond my comprehension.
...which is weird because here people always ask if we're twins. But, back home, when my little sister is there, suddenly I'm the mulan!
Anyway, I just realized that the first picture is so damn big!
So I guess now I have to continue the assignment again, but I've lost my mood, now all I wanna do is take pictures mwahahahahahaha!
P.S: HOW ABOUT MY MONDAY'S EXAM??!?!!!!?!!!
(Honestly, it's not like I don't wanna go dancing salsa with you. No, I'm sure dancing in the middle of the beach at the cold, rainy, drizzling day like this would be so romantic and self-fulfilling, and dancing is considered a sport too, no? And of course, I'm just so estatic of ripping off my clothes and exposing this blobbing fat arms to the public! I just can't wait, the excitement is too overwhelming I have difficulty breathing! If anyone doesn't know better, he would think I'm gagging, which of course, I'm not. But it's evening and the air is cool and it was so good to sleep in and Sentosa just seems very.....far..Ah!)
Okay, okay, I'm kidding for half of it. I just don't feel like doing it. Hey, let me make up for it some other day, herr?:)
Friday, 12 October 2007
1. I hate sweating. Because most sports technically generate heat and sweat, therefore, I hate sports. Okay, most sports.
2. Based on reason number 1, I haven't done any exercise for months. And probably way before that too.
3. ....and waaaaaayyy before.
4. I can't stand running in the treadmill for more than 3 minutes. Believe me, I count. Now, I know you probably are laughing your ass off by now, but seriously, I'm lousy at running, I look awful doing it, furthermore, I will just embarrass myself because after the three minutes-time-limit strikes, I'll start hypervilenting, gasping for air, suffocating, and yelling, 'I'm dying! Somebody help me! I'm daaayyy-iingggg!' After 2 consecutive times doing that, people are starting to ignore. Really.
5. My definition of 'sport' is walking up and down the stairs at home. (And I am bloody proud of that, mind you. Not everyone can muster the energy to go up and down the rigorous 23-steps-stairs!)
6. I eat junk food like fish drinks water.
7. No, not even Subway-kinda fast-food. More like, the unhealthiest fast food you can find around.
8. I rarely eat fruit. I bought 5 apples like, half a century ago, and now there are still....3 in the refrigerator. And probably already rotting ungracefully.
9. Don't even start on vegetables. Ick.
So! In the spirit of Hari Raya, today I decided to go to the gym! (Hurraaaay!), and go for swim! (Double hurraaaayy!) -> totally unrelated with Hari Raya...-__-' And, as expected, I only stayed in the treadmill for less than 20 minutes and only 5 minutes in total, MAXIMUM, that I spent running. The rest, I was gently strolling along, pretending I was at the beach with a significant someone by my side.
OH SUDDENLY I WANT TO GAG!!!!!!!!!!!!!
So the next time you're feeling lazy to work out, just think of me as motivation. You DON'T want to end up like me! Seriously, you don't!
It's 12.20 pm now and I have roughly 45 minutes to babble before heading to school. Okay, so go!
What I've been doing these days, beside school, were mostly just being in the company of friends. I've been wanting to work again for some time, but realized that I can't do it now because of the things I have to take care back home soon. In case you're wondering, I'm going back to Jakarta on the twenty third. Will worry about jobs and resumes and interviews after all are settled.
I know it's probably weird for me to say this, but lately people are dying, and no, I don't want you to run in the sight of me just because you think I bring misfortune, or dare I say it, death to you, okay! I'm just observing. See, it wasn't long ago that my grandmother passed away, and then my mom. And just as I'm still dealing with the grief, one of my close friend suddenly had to go back to Jakarta because his uncle died. And again, yesterday, my singaporean friend also told me that his uncle just died! I mean, what is wrong with the world? What is happening? It all seemed like a cruel coincidence, right? I hope they will be alright. And I remember a friend once said, "shits are bound to happen in our life, and we just gotta deal with it. We have to follow, there's no other way." And he might be dead wrong, but you know what? It's true that we have no control of situations like this, there is just so much a person like us can do, so yeah, we just have to accept whatever bad or good life can throw of us, if you can accept it, then you'll be a happier person, perhaps, and if you can't, well, you probably will turn bitter, but I'd say, indulge in your bitterness, your sadness, your dissapointments for the world, whatever, maybe you'll come through faster than those who just keep it all inside and let it piled up into stacks and unimaginable burden.
Anyway. Just for the sake of something lighter, (read: supervicial, ha!) I started going to ladies' night again, and man, it has been such a long time, hasn't it? Too long that I began yawning at 1 in the morning among all those energetic, gorgeous, skimpy crowds! I yawned! I was actually feeling so bored that all I wanted to do was grab something to eat and head back to the comfort of my bed, I mean, geez. I can't experience this now when I'm still twenty, surely?!! I can't possibly reach my saturation point yet???
I think I've reached my time limit! Just 10 minutes to go and I need to get ready! Shall continue this tonight (in two-nights? to-night? too-many nights to come? tonight in a year? toooooo...tooonight? what is the meaning of tonight, anyway? A night that is 'to'? Heading to a night? To night? But when is tonight? When?)
Okay, I'm seriously disturbed.
Monday, 8 October 2007
Anyway, just to tell you a bit about my day. Today is my first day of Values and Cultures class, and I was pretty excited about it, I'm a student after all. What can a student like me do, if not study? (this question is not meant to be answered.) But then the weather was really cloudy and soon after it was raining hard, so hard that I had a fright of being struck by a falling tree since the wind was blowing like mad. Usually I like the smell of rain, and at home I would just sit on the balcony overlooking the street and indulge in the unique smell of rain, feeling really relaxed and carefree. But, the rain this morning wasn't necessarily enjoyable, let alone made me want to jump. The thing is, I was already waiting in the bus stop when the rain started pouring and knowing me, I would not in a million years bring an umbrella just for the sake of being cautious. So what to do, right? The rice has turned into porridge, (is there such saying in english?) and I had no choice but to get on the freaking bus and pray madly that by the time I alighted, it had stopped raining and I wouldn't suffer from hypothermia.
I should have known better, I mean, I'm not exactly known for my good luck on anything! So what makes me think this time would be different? When I alighted the bus, I swear to you, the rain has poured even harder! And I was literally, trapped! Because see, I still had to walk some distance to the school from the bus stop, and there was no way I could run (even if I ran like Road Runner) without getting soaked unglamorously, drenched in cold. And so, I just waited there. Waited for what? I'm not sure.
Fortunately, I had this genious technology invention everyone call 'mobile phone', and I called babe to come pick me in the stop with an umbrella. Seriously, no matter how much I love her as a friend, I still wouldn't want to be caught dead dancing and twirling around together in the rain for the public to see. And so she came, technically a life-saver. After some good 20 minutes! (no, no, babe, I'm not complaining!)
So stage 1 was completed and in the end I was tucked safely inside the 'confusius' shelter we all know as 'my school building'. We had lunch and went to class. Quite happy to see all my classmates, even with those I'm not close with. There's just something really familiar about them and it's comforting, see. The professor came and started the class, he was this big old caucasian man who looked so much alike like Colonel Sanders, so just picture him in your mind for a second. His head was moving funnily everytime he talked, not in the indian-kind-of-way, but definitely moving really oddly. It was quite distracting at first, really, but I got used to it after a while, and it wasn't his head I paid much attention to anymore as much as his bulging stomach. Anyway, I'm not going to discuss his stomach, please!
It was an interesting subject, I found, because it was sort of a literature-and-philosophical kinda class, and he spent the lecture talking about the archaic people and their way of thinking, that all they did revolved around rituals they believed to be taught by God, in fact, everything was about the word of God, and for all they knew, there was only one way to do everything, the right way, and so their life consisted of rituals after rituals which they did obediently without asking because that was what God told them to do, so who are they to question it? Each day was the same for them, and no changes ever happened, there was never confusion or misunderstandings. And these people believed in the power of personal communication, that as long as they act favorably towards anything (nature, environment, people, whatever), they will be protected, nothing bad can ever happened to them. And so they danced, and prayed for the rain, for the grasshopper to go away, for the plants to grow, and if it happened otherwise, they felt like they must have done something wrong to piss God, or the god of rain, or the god of plants, or whoever.
Well, they must have a really secure life, or just plain..pitiful. Because, changes are bound to happen, no matter how hard you try to keep everything the same. And there are just things beyond our control, sometimes unexplainable, and we are given brain to think, not just to follow. If one stops for a second to think about improving a way to do something, then is he a bad person because of that? Isn't believing something without even asking, or giving it a second thought, a really foolish act? Isn't doing something, without understanding, reason, or purpose, shows how unindependent we are? I have to admit, though, that those ancient people must have been much happier than us now. They knew exactly what they had to do, and so what if they couldn't fully optimize their life? Not that I wanted to live in a society like that, but I"m just saying. Technology offers us more opportunities, more chances, more explanation, more solutions, sure, but it also brings more risks, more danger, more harms, and more disputes. So in the end, which is better? It's just a matter of different understanding, there is no right or wrong. People nowadays would think that ancient people are stupid for just following orders without asking, but ancient people can easily think we are stupid too, for making simple things complicated.
The professor wanted us to think about God in particular. And about how it would be like if we were back to those archaic times. I don't know, in a way I guess if I never knew anything else outside that world, I would never entertain the possibility of having something more, you see. Suddenly I remember the movie 'The Village', because roughly it's about a village that is secluded from the outside world, it's very self-sufficient and the villagers never had any thought that there might be another world outside their little village. Well, actually they knew there were something out there, but they didn't dare to go out because the leaders of the village spreaded the rumor that there were evil creatures which eat humans, and this rumor had been held as a truth among the villagers for centuries. And so, they stay inside the village and they are happy enough with the arrangement because in their mind, it was deadly and dangerous forrest out there. While in fact, there weren't any creatures at all, outside the village there were just another regular city, but no one knew about it except the leaders. And the leaders were neither right, or wrong. Well, because the villagers are happy anyway, right? They can never miss something they don't know, can they?
And about God? Well, I believe that there is a bigger force out there in the world, because I don't think that everything happens at random, there must be something who controls all of these, and that is God, isn't it? The thing is, I'm not sure I believe that he loves each and every one of us and that he cares as if we are his own children. That is just too much of a comforting concept, isn't it? But people are not stupid, they can't just believe something so..perfect. And I stand corrected. Praying gives strength to the people, not to grant their wishes. It's just natural to fall back into God, because who else can we turn to in the end of the day? Even if God doesn't exist in a way that we thought, what harm can it do to believe him? Because it's comforting, it's the feeling of complete secure.
I honestly don't know how I got into this conclusion, because I've always been someone that is proud of her religion and someone who has great faith in God, but maybe it's just a temporary maturing process I had to go through in order to walk back to Him, stronger and surer than before, because I've considered this possibility and found out that I'm wrong.
Ooookay, I'm sorry, didn't intend to write this much about the topic but I got excited! I'll be fine and I can start talking about unimportant stuffs again after a few seconds of cooling down. Ha!
So, the class ended at five, and babe and I went to Holland Village to hang out and see around. I miss wandering around aimlessly with her. Ugh, and as expected, she dragged me into this pet store there, in which she couldn't stop going 'aaaw' and 'oowww' at each dog! I saw this really disturbingly frightening dog which looked a lot like chihuahua but not exactly, it was so skinny beyond belief and so hyperactive it kept jumping around and even putting its two legs up as if it was standing up, and the gesture was very disturbing because it looked like a skeleton! But I found one that I liked..
Now this is what I called cool! Look at his white fur! He almost looked like a wolf!
And I were to have a dog (which is nearly impossible), I would want one like this. Not some cutey-cutey little one, and definitely not one that is hyper!
Anyway, on my way home I encountered a really odd experience. Odd, because it might just be my feelings and not actually happened at all, but sometimes you just gotta listen to your gut, no? (at least that's what I learned from the book 'Blink'! Trust your instinct!) Well, so I was sitting in the rear side of the bus, when this gentleman walked in and sat opposite me. Not exactly opposite, you know the new bus' seating arrangement, right? There are rows of chairs facing the sideways, and in the back, they are seats facing the front too. I sat in the sideway, and the guy was in the seat opposite behind me but facing the front. I didn't pay much attention first at him cos I was listening music anyway (am so in love with Elliott's songs at the moment), but once in a while I would catch him staring into my direction. I suddenly became very self-conscious even though I wasn't sure if he looked into me or just past me, you see. But then some time after, I would see him facing his camera (from his mobile phone) directly at me! Which was weird, because if he really was just looking into his phone, his camera would just point at the front, not sideways to where I sat! And I tried to ignore this at first, convincing myself that I was just making things up! But he kept doing that and it became impossible to ignore. I was wearing skirt and I made sure my legs were tight because I saw it once in TV that there are perverts who like taking pictures or recording girls' skirts, or rather, something inside 'em! I was really distracted by his actions, and he would look at me, point his camera at me for some time, and then look at his phone and then smoothy and pretentiously, slide his camera to my direction again and what was I supposed to think?! I think it's unevitable to think negative given the circumstances! What confirmed me more, was that finally, there was another gentleman sitting in the seat next to him which somewhat covered his camera view from me, (I almost kissed the other gentleman for 'saving me' from this pervert), and from that moment, he didn't point his camera at me anymore! Sure, because now the other guy covered the sight, but if he was really innocent and all this time he was just browsing his phone, how could it be such a coincidence that he stopped that action right after the other guy sat next to him!!
By this time, I was kind of freaked out and I couldn't wait to alight the damn bus, so when my stop finally came, I went out eagerly as fast as I could, and to my horror, he was right behind me, apparently alighting at the same stop! I walked, crossed the street towards my condo, and he was right on my tail! Oh shit, man! I walked even faster, afraid to look back, but I felt him behind me still until I was at the entrance at my apartment building. I got in quickly, and he finally went in the different direction.
You wouldn't believe how relieved I was! But now that I think about it, maybe I had the right to be really suspicious and frightened by this guy, but still I couldn't be one hundred percent sure that he was up to no good. Probably I was just seeing things that wasn't there and that my mind was just messing around, but I knew what I felt, and it couldn't be helped, okay! I'm just relieved nothing happened!
Why am I suddenly high on adrenaline again after recalling the story?! Maybe because I could still picture his ugly face and his white shirt! And definitely because I do not dare imagine what pictures or whatever he could have taken of me IF my suspicioun was right!
I wish I was wrong! So there you go, my day in a post! Now I'm about to chat for a while and then continue indulging in The Time Traveler's Wife! Good night, everyone.