Friday, 28 December 2007
I know I should have more materials to write, but I have nothing new to tell these days! Hey, the fact that I just admitted that I had nothing exciting to blog is a material in itself, no???
Okay. It'll be the shortest post,then.
I'll be back on the 3rd and I'm sure to write more then! Cos even when I don't have anything to write about there, I could always comment on the funny bus drivers, flirtatious apartment guard, aunties and uncles in the hawkers, and myself, hahahaha!!!
In the mean time, here's to welcoming the new year!
Friday, 21 December 2007
This year has been so surreal. I experienced things I never thought I would, but time still moves on, and now one more year is being added to my unimpressive life resume and so I need this. I need to write something – anything to channel all these thoughts.
This day exactly last year I thought I’d seen everything, but I realized now that it was nothing. Yet, despite all that, I still felt like I haven’t done quite enough last years and I guess there are always bound to be some regrets or things you wished you haven’t done, no matter how fortunate and lucky your life has been. If I wasn’t even satisfied with myself last year when things were a lot better, then how could I be now?
Life has definitely been surreal for me; anything but fortunate. Every time I turn around, there just seemed to be yet another surprise being thrown at my direction and I can tell you for certain that I don’t like most of them. But what happened, happened. People who saw me emerge from this grief, this vindictive and cruel reality said that I am strong, that even though it has been very difficult, I still could move on and they admired me for that. They said I’m mature. I don’t mean to shrug off or dismiss their opinions, because hey, if there are any persons who think I’m strong and mature, then let them be. But no. What everyone saw was a person who was forced to deal, and that to me wasn’t maturity at all.
The real person who has emerged from this whole ordeal was someone who has completely lost faith; someone who doesn’t give a crap anymore about wishing; and someone who thinks that people are just supposed to deal and accept everything that happened because we have no other choice. I felt cheated by everything I used to believe in and I was anti-social for the longest time. What you get is a really pessimistic and bitter person. It didn’t seem like me, but it must have been me.
I spent more than half this year with my parents. I tried to be there for this family although sometimes it seemed really difficult, and if there is one thing I regret the most about myself, is this. Nobody has ever had any idea at how much I wish that I could turn back time.
When I was in Perth to take care of my mom, I was so frustrated and tired. I was complaining constantly about how much time I have spent there and about how many classes I had to miss because of it. After a month there, I practically couldn’t take all the boredom and loneliness anymore, so dad let me go home.
I’ve never admitted this to anyone else other than those closest to me because I’m so embarrassed of myself. And I feel like letting everyone know now, because I must be the most selfish person in this whole world. I want everybody to see that I can’t be further from mature, and if I am anything, it’s pure selfishness. I was an ungrateful child who only thinks about herself, and it’s eating me up because the amount of disappointment and pain I’ve caused my parents must be unimaginable, especially for my mom who was sick and obviously needed me there. Right after I got back, I felt so regretful, but there was no use, right? It was just an excuse – to justify the awful thing I have done to make me feel as if I was still capable of actually feeling, but the truth was, I must have been just a heartless robot.
There was nothing that could validate my actions, and it’s something I will have to live with. And in a way, I’m writing this not because I want sympathy or resentment, but just because this is the truth. There is no such thing as universal remote control where you can simply press rewind and change the past whenever you like, and now the guilt stays with me probably forever. I hope nobody else will ever learn this lesson the hard way when things simply are just too late.
During the hardest time, I learned about myself a lot more than I could ever imagine. I learnt that I tend to step away and hide when I’m feeling depressed. I learnt that I am not as extrovert and positive as everybody might think. I learnt that I fear loneliness more than anything. I learnt that I constantly need someone for myself, and that without it, something seems to be missing and I can’t be happy.
But, despite it all, there were some things I could still be grateful about. I am now closer to my family. I’ve spent more than three months home and it’s comforting to know that here you don’t have to worry about a thing because we take care of each others. No matter how bad you behaved, they are the ones that would always forgive. I spent more time with my dad and sisters; we went through all together, ups and downs. Now, I try to be more considerate and responsible, I feel the need to take care of my dad and little sister, I learn to be more understanding, less-selfish, independent and a mediator whenever troubles arise at home, I make more time to talk and ask my dad out, and so we come together in a way that we never did before. And I make a promise to myself that I will be good, I will make him proud because all this time I haven’t been able to do anything significant.
I appreciate my friends more too, because throughout this period, even though they weren’t nearby, even though sometimes I simply shut down and it just didn’t look as if I was making enough effort to keep in touch, they didn’t give up. In the end, their supports mattered to me more than I was willing to admit but they did.
All in all, it has been such an overwhelming year, but I learned my mistakes. As a person, I was a failure and I’m more than happy to let this day go by without any celebrations, because really, there isn’t anything worth celebrating. I will be glad when this day is over. I just want to look forward to next year because things just can’t get any worse, right?
I hope, if anything, everything that has happened would teach me how to be better, how to be all that I wasn’t, changed all that I lacked, all that I regretted, all that I couldn’t do.
I’ve always thought that I was someone full of optimism and it surprised me how much my view has changed towards some things. It’s not that I regret it, I guess now I’m much more realistic. Just like Ethan Hawke said, “life's hard. It's supposed to be. If we didn't suffer, we'd never learn anything.”
I had many ambitions but I did nothing to materialize them yet. I wanted to write more, I wanted to learn Chinese, I wanted to draw more, I wanted to read more, but there just seemed to be no right time and instead I ended up not doing anything. These last months that I’ve been at home, I feel like I’m hibernating. I’m falling back into a comfortable routine where my laundry is magically clean again, food appears on the table at any time of the day, bed made up, and driver ready at a fingertip, but now I’m just simply restless to change, to make the most of my time and to make them proud. There’s finally a reason, a purpose to look forward to in the upcoming year.
Every year, I always said that I wanted to be better, that somehow a birthday marks an importance to change and grow, and I know it shouldn’t work that way because we have to constantly strive to be better and the time isn’t supposed to be limited to a year-period only, but sometimes we need a little push to find the reason to evaluate, to look back at everything you’ve accomplished and mistakes you’ve made. After all, it is your day out of the whole year.
Another year probably can’t do much to this world. I don’t intend to inspire people or make a difference to the humankind. But I just want to keep being myself, the myself who has gone though a lot, the myself who has learned from her mistakes, the myself who still treasures the importance of family and friends, now more than ever, and the myself who has simply known better.
Somewhere along the way, I am now twenty one. And I hope that is not a bad thing.
Tuesday, 18 December 2007
Weddings used to be insignificant to me. Not the concept of wedding in itself, more because I’ve attended far too many strangers’ weddings; weddings of people whose faces I didn’t even recognize, weddings of just another random individuals, weddings which I came just for formality and for showing my face up to the couple because it seemed polite and appropriate, but the truth of the matter was, it hardly made any difference at all whether I came or not, because I was just referred as somebody else’s daughter. And I’m not even complaining here because it’s always nice, I guess, to attend weddings. See, there’s the free food and everything. Okay, that’s just one thing, I’m sure there are a lot other reasons to be looked forward to in weddings, I just haven’t known exactly what.
I had little memory of anyone’s weddings, see, there was my uncle’s and I was the little flower girl but I don’t think that counts. After all, I was practically still a toddler then. There were also a lot of relatives’ weddings, but the problem was, those were always the ones which I didn’t even know I was related to until the exact moment. So I’m sorry if there were never any tear-jerking moments in my dictionary.
The last couple of weddings that I attended to when I was here in Jakarta were those held in Four Seasons and J.W. Marriott. They were undoubtedly rich and fancy. In the Four Seasons, the reception was in the private suite, so it wasn’t as big as the usual ballroom suite, but something tells me it could have cost probably even more. The reception place was divided into several smaller rooms with exquisite dishes and there was also an outdoor space where we could get some air and enjoy a cozier and more relaxing ambience. It was really a beautiful place but all we did there was eating and then we’re off. I have to say it held no memory whatsoever. I mean, except for the place and food, of course. Have I mentioned that they served sushi there? I definitely will remember it for that one fact only.
The one in J.W. Marriott was even fancier. The ballroom was gigantic, and the food could feed practically the rest of the third world counties. The reception was much more traditional and proper. It seemed a bit over-the-top, if you asked me. With all the ballads performance? But then again, maybe there’s no such thing as too over-the-top in a wedding. After all, there will only be one in someone’s entire life so I’d spare them some mercy. They could hire ballerinas; they could invite the president, they could serve wedding cake made entirely by diamonds and gold, they could even flaunt a-million-dollar-wedding gown if they wished and you wouldn’t hear even a remark from me. From what I can tell, they served sushi too, but it was already gone when I realized! All that’s left were pieces of the ice that was used to chill the sushi, and not even a single salmon was visible. Although disappointed, I tasted very delicious mushroom soup there, which reminded me a bit of the one at the Soup Spoon. The soup was just so thick and chunks of mushroom were just heavenly. I made a mental note to do exactly that (visit the Soup Spoon and have sushi buffet) in Singapore.
When I attended the wedding in Bali, which was of two persons I didn’t even know, it was probably the first time after the longest time that I felt some pickles of human emotions. The guy seemed so genuine and romantic and I think the sunset and the ocean had something to do with that. The place was absolutely gorgeous and the ceremony was done in such grace and elegance and although it might seem too overwhelming at times, (imagine: food parade and fire-dance performance, oh, and how could I forget the seven-course meals?) somehow they made it look real and sincere.
It’s always nice to be reminded sometimes that my heart isn’t made of steel. Well.
Today is the first after a long time I witnessed a special wedding, of someone that is really close to me ever since I was a baby. He’s practically a real brother and it could be weird to think of him as a married man now. Time really flies, doesn’t it?
I’m so happy for him and I look at him with a new respect now, because he is strong and dependable and I have no doubt that he will make a great family.
All this wedding talk is making me a bit light-headed. I’m just gonna go back to my usual insignificant choice of topics: food, gossips and ramblings?
Sunday, December 16, 2007
So. What occupies my mind on this lazy Sunday? Let’s see. I just had my first cup of coffee today, and you may call me as somewhat a coffee junkie these days. There were times when I had fruit juices every morning (orange, carrot, tomato, and not even I knew what else my maid put in there, I was just too trusting and innocent to yet find out), and when I was in Perth and Singapore I was totally obsessed with Milo that’s all I thought about first thing after waking up: a glass of yummy hot chocolate. Now, back home, the craving shifted to cappuccino. Dad is a sucker for this thing too, so imagine the two of us still in pajamas and sleepy-looking faces, sitting every morning with cups of coffee, talking gibberish and having ‘where are you going today?’ and ‘can I go to the mall and shop and waste your money away?’ discussion. It’s my typical morning routine here and it’s priceless. Ha!
But as the coffee-obsession continues to strike in, I find myself craving for more caffeine during the day. So sometimes, I gulp down ice coffee again at lunch time and have another cappuccino in the evening just because I’m feeling rather hungry but it’s simply too early for meals so coffee is the solution.
But you know, I think it isn’t bad at all. An acquaintance of mine admitted that he used to drink coffee up to 20 plus cups per day. Now that’s what I called addiction. He’d be depressed without a rush of caffeine. So as long as I don’t cross that line, I think I’ll be okay.
Yesterday I went out with dad to check out cameras, because face it, my camera is gazillion years old. It doesn’t have attractive exterior, the screen is tiny, the battery is leaking, and it’s still only 4 mega-pixels. Even the new Nokia phone has better camera resolution and it’s not even a real camera. So I think it’s about time to do a bit of upgrading and even though I probably am the most technology-blind-person in the entire planet, at least I gave it a shot.
Dad wasn’t helping either. He left me alone to do his own business and engage in conversation with his friend while I was standing there in front of shops displaying numerous cameras which to me, on first glance, looked exactly identical and I was like a fish out of the water. I didn’t know which brand to look, which qualification to look for, and before you could say anything, yes, I know I’m hopeless.
So, I just grabbed one of the salesperson there and asked him to give me some points, or more like, a lesson from Idiot’s Guide to Buying a Camera book. Olympus is of course, supposed to be good, but I was opting for something else. Sony seemed good too, and at first I was interested in one Sony type because frankly, the exterior was just great and I do want to have a gorgeous-looking-camera. It was only available in standard silver color, though, and again, my sis and dad’s cameras are all in silver so I thought a change might be good. But that wasn’t quite the deciding factor. I had to take the price into consideration also, and to be honest I didn’t even know how much a decent camera is supposed to cost. My sister’s Olympus camera was worth 4 million but it was bought quite a while ago and at that time, that model was the newest so it must have been expensive, although it’s only 4 mega pixels. But, that Olympus camera looks good, it has a lens lid which opens and closes automatically and maybe 4 million is worth it. But I have to be more reasonable, right? I wouldn’t just pick up the most expensive or the most technology-advanced camera in sight, you may think I’m a shopaholic but I am at least a very considerate one. (My dad would so disagree on this, he would say, ‘then don’t buy a camera altogether so not a penny of my money would be spent’)
So I was looking at some options of camera which only cost around a million to two. Okay, drop the ‘only’ in the last sentence.
And the Sony type I was talking before was just on that price range and the guy filled me in on all the qualities, it was 7 or so mega pixels. Personally, I liked the outlook of that particular one and the screen was also big while the other profiles were basically standard.
But then I saw Samsung camera and I fell in love too. And the sales person saw it right through me and quickly went to take out the model for me to check out. He was pretty excited too at this point and told me all the good points and while I was looking at both the Sony and Samsung types to compare, he went on to say that the Samsung model is far more superior to the Sony one, although luckily for me, the price is cheaper. I asked him how that could be possible and he smiled while simply letting his fingers runs through the word ‘Sony’ in the camera. Okay, so it’s a matter of which one is the more famous brand? It doesn’t really matter to me, though, I think Samsung is a perfectly good brand too, and if it so happens that the better option is cheaper, then who am I to complain?
Anyway, the Samsung was 8.1 mega pixels with better screen resolution and it already has face-detector and anti-blur selections. It could take multiple shots at the same time, take pictures straight from the video and also take 30 continuous shots just by one click, resulting in a cartoon-like-effect, if you know what I mean. The charger is in the same cable as its USB, and you could even charge the camera from your computer using the USB cable so you can do so in the car, or wherever else. And you know what’s better? It has one in red! I am so in love.
I spent quite some time playing with the camera, clicking here and there until finally dad came. He gave me ‘are you sure you want this?’ look while I excitedly nodded.
No, no, I haven’t bought it..yet. It’s not quite a spontaneous purchase but in the mean time, I don’t see what’s wrong with drooling and dreaming over a perfectly gorgeous looking camera. It’s so close I could almost taste it.
Obviously I need to move on. I didn’t realize I have written this much, but I just can’t stop talking when I’m excited. Anyway, before the camera hunting, I accompanied Dad see a warehouse sale on electronics. The place was this huge, unmaintained, dirty and gloomy-looking garage and for the event, it was filled with electronic stuffs aligned and little stands in the side and the people were just scattering around, busily looking for the best deals and boy, there were a lot of people. It was hot and damp, and I braced through it because dad wanted to check prices of some refrigerators, and I’m sorry for sounding like a prissy, but it wasn’t top on my favorite places to be. I was more than happy when he was finally done with his business. I was happiest when he scurried me down the hall to the exit sign, I think. After the camera hunting, Dad and I had a quick green-bean dessert at a nearby shop and at night we were out again for some express grocery shopping.
My younger sister and I topped up the night by watching Asian Idol on TV and I was real happy when Hadi from Singapore walked away with the title. All in all, yesterday was a really good day. Now, if you excuse me, I’m going to think of that Samsung L-830 camera again.
So far as the day goes on today, it hasn’t been quite historical yet. It’s Monday so Dad’s off for work and my younger sister is busily playing play station which is all she does these days, and I just finished watching ‘Derailed’ on VCD that I rented yesterday. And we’ve also had a really delicious lunch, courtesy of my great cook. The menu were macaroni, sausages, carrot and corn soup (no, they were mixed together, c’mon, I didn’t eat that many kinds of soup in one meal!), deep fried prawn, fried frogs in sweet butter sauce, and my personal favorite, hot fried mushrooms. Homemade food is so much better on most occasions.
Friday, 14 December 2007
Anyway, it is interesting to be in an internet place, moreover, having to pay for the amount of time you spend! It's just funny, I feel like a dog is just ready to bite me in the arse. Okay, this is so totally unnecessary.
I wanted to write about my trip to Bali but that would be a very long post indeed and I better do it some other time when the clock is not constantly ticking away.
Just one thing I'm going to say about the trip: it was fabulous.
We were pampered at the hotel, went to the most expensive wedding ever where I got 7-course meals complete with wine, did some shopping, hung out at the beach, sat in cafes and restaurants at night, sat in the sand looking at the ocean, and I guess most of all, I had the most wonderful companion.
I stayed there for four days three nights and everything was just great. It has been awhile since the whole family had a trip anywhere, so it was always nice to spend time together and have fun.
Okay then. That's it for now, I hope to go back to Singapore at early January and I'll have be 21 by then! Wow.
P.S: Babe, I already sent you a text, but just in case somehow you didn't get it yesterday, I want to wish you the best birthday ever! It's another year for us to rip the place apart! I hate you!;)
This evening I called what I thought was Domino’s Pizza. When we were smaller we used to order cheese pizza all the time because we’re just suckers for cheese in general, plus this tradition has gone on ever since we watched Home Alone. Anyway, the conversation went on like this, and I’m not even exaggerating.
“Hello? Dominos’ Pizza?”
“I want to order pizza and get it delivered?”
“Um.. Cheese pizza, please?”
(Shouldn’t he ask me which size I want?)
“Well? How many pieces are there in the small size?”
“Huh? How many?”
“HOW MANY SLICES ARE THERE IN THE SMALL SIZE???”
“Hm..Yaa…around 6 or something..”
“How about the medium size?”
“Well..maybe 10 or 9?”
“Fine! The medium size then!”
“How much is it?”
“HOW MUCH IS IT?????”
“BEEJEZUS! HOW MUCH IS THE MEDIUM SIZE?!!”
“Yea…50 thousand, lah!”
“Are you kidding me??!! 50 thousand for MEDIUM SIZE?”
“Around 49 thousand?”
“FUCK! WHAT DO YOU BLOODY MEAN BY ‘AROUND’?!!! HOW MUCH IS THE FIXED PRICE?!!!!!”
By this time, I was so frustrated I almost scratched my head off! No, I almost BANGED MY SKULL TO THE WINDOW SHIELD!!!
IS IT THAT HARD FOR A GIRL TO ORDER A PIZZA AROUND HERE???!!!
I banged the telephone down, feeling hopelessly frustrated and HUNGRY! You know, with that kind of person in charge of HANDLING CALLS FROM CUSTOMERS, I wouldn’t be too surprised if the next thing I know, I would get VARIOUS PARTS OF HUMAN BODY instead of PIZZA delivered right to my doorstep!
Wednesday, 12 December 2007
Bali wasn't called 'Land of God' for nothing! It was absolutely gorgeous! The beach, the scenery, the people, the ambience, everything was just so different in a great way;)
Anyway, I can't write much now, but I promise I will soon!
Take care, everyone!:)
Sunday, 2 December 2007
But this week I decided to take an action because it started to bother me badly. I’m not a big fan of glasses. I don’t mind wearing glasses occasionally when I read at night or when I stay at home, but on day-to-day-basic, I can’t say that I like it. Maybe I have been so used to wearing contacts, maybe I have been used to the feeling of having nothing hanging from my ear and my nose, or maybe in a more superficial reason, I simply don’t look like myself in one. All in all, let’s just say that my sentiment towards glasses won’t bring you to tears or inspire you in any way anytime soon. Unlike my mutually-symbiotic relationship with, let’s say, cheese and camera. Ha, kidding.
So, I went to the doctor to get my eye checked. Well, technically, I went to the hospital, but it seems way over the top and dramatic to say that I’ve been to a hospital. So for once I prefer to be un-dramatic although that can be surprising for some. Maybe I just mature significantly.
I waited in the hall for the doctor for some good ten minutes and luckily, dad was with me so I had someone to bug. I wasn’t nervous or anything, but I guess going to any doctor is bound to give you a certain uncomfortable feeling. I always feel like the doctor would know everything at the instant second he saw me, that he simply just prolonged the agony by making use of those complicated machines and examining me closely. Well, so, I finally got in and explained my complaints to him, and I was asked to sit in the intimidating chair where I had to press my head into a hole in the machine. The nurse lifted my chair high, as if I was too short for the doctor to even have a look. If I didn’t know better or wasn't too busy preparing myself for the worst possibility that I could suddenly turn color-blind or whatever, I would think that that was almost an insult.
He looked at my eye for a minute, undoubtedly having it at super-zoom and probably seeing my super-dust-polluted eye in all its glory. I don’t even want to imagine. Then he twisted the skin above my eye, and with that, he said that I had an infection.
Now, I think this is the best scenario. I mean, he didn’t say ‘you have cataract’ or mentioned anything with the words ‘blind’, ‘color’, ‘abnormal’, ‘surgery’ or ‘terrible unfortunate incident for someone so young’, so I think ‘infection’ is sufficient enough for me to be relieved.
He said it was bacteria, he told me not to use contacts for the time being, sterilize it, and use the medicines he later prescribed. He then continued by scribbling something down at my folio, (clearly intimidating), and drawing what’s supposedly my eye, and adding marks around the infected area.
Anyway, so I’ve been living with my glasses for these past two days. Those, and my medicines as well, which I had easy since those were only two sets of eye drops, non invasive at all, I mean, I wasn’t poked by needles or had my ass inserted by pills or whatever. But every time I use the eye drop, my eye gets itchy for some seconds and I keep having a disturbing image in my head that at that exact moment, the ‘drop’ is fighting all sorts of germs erratically inside this apparently-non-virginal-eye.
I was told to report back to the doctor in a week’s time and I really hope it will have been better by then. No, I hope it’ll get better tomorrow. I’d like to think I’m an optimist. Ha!