Thursday, 31 July 2008
So, let's just say that before shower-time, it's a different me altogether. And now every morning 'different me' would whine for a relatively-tolerable minutes, and then after the hot water and the toothpaste, I would already have the positive energy to start the day. And note that beforehand, hot water or not, I would still be grumpy. I'd like to think I'm not just the morning person, but I pressume it just depends on the mood. Ironically, even though I'm having crappy days lately, I'm pretty okay in the morning [nowadays] so that means, my mood is relatively good? Beats me.
And then there's the joy, a bittersweet joy, I might add, to head out of the house when it's still, well, it's not really dawn, but you know, like the day has just started and you're there. And again, yes, I used to bloody whine about it during my working days. Maybe I have just been slacking around for weeks now that it's a nice change to have morning activities again. Either way, the fact remains unchanged that my attention span is short and chance is that I'm still enthusiastic about school cos it just started four days ago. [give it a few more days and I'll be back to being grumpy, you say? God, I'm sad.] And everyday as I sit there on the bus [or most oftenly, stand up] and I look over the sleepy looking working adults around, I can't help feeling rather lucky. Don't ask, I don't know why. Maybe purely for selfish reason, I feel young.
But anyway, the point is that I like my morning school now. I wake up feeling quite refreshed and not-unwillingly. I spent my morning studying in class, and by afternoon if I'm not going out with friends, I would already be home, relaxing and doing useful things, if not napping, and at night I would sleep earlier than usual and thus, I'm ready for the next morning.
Probably that's it. I mean, my class is only for three and a half hours, so I still enjoy it and it gives me plenty of time to do something else. Working, on the other hand, gives you little to be desired. On a normal working day previously, it's rare to be going off at exactly 6 pm and most oftenly I got stuck until 7 and counting the long tedious journey from town to Jurong, it wasn't until 8 or 8.30 pm that I got home, depending on traffic as well.
Okay, now I'm just talking about something entirely different altogether.
What was the point again? Yes, that I'm quite happy with being back to school now. I'm also glad for my sister, for my best friend whom despite the roller-coaster mood I am in these days [happy in the morning, sucky at night] always manage to lend their supports.
Now, talking about the roller-coaster mood, just speaking matter-of-factly, yesterday was one of my crappy day, and no, nothing major happened or anything, but it's just the little things which completely irritated me to no end. I'm apparetly quite irritable, it started from the usual story of the unreliableness of public transport in the morning which forced me to wait for more than half an hour and resulted my late arrival in class. It's not even the lateness which bugs me, but rather that the waiting process is incredibly freaking unpleasant. I mean, the heat?!! Hello? It might be only 8 in the morning, but the heat, man! And then the class which was so draggy yesterday, just so happened. And I was scheduled to make a presentation [with the mentality of just wanting to get it over with, soon], but time wasn't much of the essence for the lecturer cos he didn't comment on a previous presentation that went on for half an hour despite his ten-minutes-per-student-limit. And so it had to be postponed to today and with my crappiness, it just irritated me further.
Wanting to just bury the frustration I had [actually not necessary because of the presentation, my emotion has just been running wild that day of something else entirely], I took the bus home, sat on the back, and wished nobody bother to sit beside me 'cos I just needed the space. But of course, of course, even I couldn't get that! The bus was relatively empty, and so there was no reason to sit right beside me where most of the seats were vacant anyway. But this indian guy [oh my] went to the trouble by excusing himself to take a seat next to me, and then shamelessly lifted up his barefooted feet up to the empty seats in front!
To be fair, it's not like I could smell them or anything, but just the sight of it was incredibly unpleasant and unappealing. I just couldn't believe my luck, and what's even more annoying, and you may call me a paranoid here, but I could swear he was peeking through my shoulder to take a look at my mobile screen since I was busy texting the entire journey home. At that point I would have almost happily scolded him of how much pain he has caused me...[oops] and called him names. Poor man to be directed to such anger. Served him right!
Okay, like I said, they weren't anything major, but they irked me nevertheless. I know the world doesn't revolve around me but some days it feels like everyone is just out to annoy me. [I'm sure you all have those days too.] A lot has to do with the inhuman heat these days, I think. The weather's just unbelievable, how could people not get angry over frivolous things at this state?
But FYI, I don't need an anger management program. It's not just because of the heat, the bus and the [imaginary] smelly feet of an intrusive Indian guy. These things happen. What really bothers me, is something else I don't really wanna discuss here. The others just serve as catalyst, if you know what I mean.
At least, having class now gives me purpose. Word! And I'm quite looking forward to the next chapter, whatever it may be. I have all the things I need, and for the rest, I'll cope.
Wednesday, 30 July 2008
I'm starting to question everything. Not just that, but...other things. I become doubtful, and I don't want to be. I doubt my own ability, my confidence...If only I could press stop and stop thinking, stop worrying, just stop. I hate those who make me feel this way.
The question of 'why' seems no longer necessary, and I'm not sure I'm ready to handle the answer. Just let me be, for the time being. I will be okay, I will. I've gone through much worse. And the lesson I took back from it, was that apparently I'm stronger than I give myself credit for.
The thing you lost can never be found. Even if you recapture it somehow, it won't be the same.
Class has started since last Monday and I'm glad to have things to occupy my mind. It's an interesting lesson on Comparative Politics. I'm sorry, I'll do the updating thing some other time, soon. Sorry for the absence.
p.s: In a totally unrelated subject, not to mention, so random, I found the CTU ringtone from '24' which I think rock!
Thursday, 24 July 2008
Such a beautiful passage. It's good being with someone who can make you feel safe, protected. As if, no matter what, the other person is thinking of two.
Don't want to get too melancholic there, truth be told, I'm feeling kinda crappy right now but let's not get into details. It's just funny how on some days you think you know what you want, that you really wanna be here, feeling comfortable and secure, and that your heart is in the right place, yet some days you're not even sure about anything anymore and you just start to doubt everything. [Just because I said heart doesn't instantly make this a guy problem, alrightey?]
Anyway, on a much lighter note, the class [finally] enjoyed a get-together dinner at town and well, it was enjoyable. I've had better nights, but it was still good. I had a gigantic fish and chips but it was oh-so-heavenly! The turnout was pretty okay seeing as it's apparently almost impossible to gather people to show up on a decided time and place. People nowadays are so fashionably busy.
My class starts next Monday, by the way and it's another political class! Good to have school again but why oh why does it have to politics? I ain't have a single political gene in my body, not even close! [not gonna think about it...not gonna think about it...not gonna think about it...]
Just a short update here, hope you have a good Thursday =) Oh, and happy birthday to dearest Rena! *smiley*
Tuesday, 22 July 2008
I want to be hopeful, of course I do, but there is only so much I can do. Saying "don't give up" and "keep trying" seem useless and meaningless. It's just something everyone would say without hesitating, it lacks of connection, real motivation,..No, there has to be more that I can do to help. Something...more personal.
But what? Racking my brain in desperate attempt only makes me feel even more helpless. I'm sure neither of us thought that it was going to be this hard, it caught us off guard, we weren't prepared.
I can only be here for you, and eventhough it's nothing, really, please just keep trying. I'm not some fake optimist who just wanna say the right thing without genuinely meaning it, I'm not the person who couldn't care less but pretend to.
I'm pleading you to keep trying still, no matter how cliche and meaningless it might sound, because that's the hopeful thing to do. Stop doing anything would mean that it's the end of it, stop trying would mean that you have already given up.
By trying, at least it's something. I'm sure, eventually we'll get started. Now I know patience is not your best virtue, it's not mine too, but there's nothing else we can do. We just gotta move on, and we'll get through this. Unless stopping dead is an option.
So, are you with me?
Sunday, 20 July 2008
24 - Promo for the 5th season (love this image!)
Jack once again is the coolest agent ever! I so love Kiefer Sutherland in this! Now in this season the storyline revolves around the assassination of the former president Palmer and the threat of nerve gas and nuclear weapon in the U.S. and the government conspiracy having the current President being responsible for most of these events. Tony Almeida, one of my favorite character died, sadly, and Kim appeared in two episodes (still annoying as ever). CTU, too, remains fierce and I have to say I quite like Kim Raver character, who plays Jack's love interest since the previous season. Bill and Curtis are still as likeable as ever and Chloe, despite her rude and snappy attitudes, is still the one who saves the day from behind the scenes.
Season 6 has wrapped, and season 7 is in production, but many say the 6th season isn't that good (damn you spoilers!), but I'm still gonna see it anyway, even if it's only because of Jack. Am excited!
So last weekend the gang met up to catch the Singapore Night Festival and it was fun! The turnout was huge and it's a change of scene to have events outdoor in the park with that many people. At first I couldn't stop perspiring but then it rained for a little bit and then everything was great.
I couldn't take that many good pictures, though, cos the performances included acrobats in mid-air, floating spheres, and fire and water dancing which made it hard to capture, especially when your camera is amateurish like mine, and when you have absolutely no idea about ISO blah blah, and whatever else there is. So many photographers with impressive gigantic Canon/Nikon cameras were present, happily snapping away, oblivious to people like me who had to give my camera to my cousin since he's the tall one.
We left at 11ish and decided to see 'Summer Rain' in the Picture House afterwards. Bad Habits won't be coming out til next week so this would have to do. G almost fell asleep during the movie since drama isn't his cup of tea to begin with, but the story was confusing at first, even to me, and the dialogue was way too poetic, and only after some half hour in the movie that we began to understand and were able to follow it. It actually is a pretty good one; different and interesting, tragic and heartfelt. (and Felix Gomez is damn hot in here, he looked just like Shia Labeouf from certain angle.)
Summer Rain is a coming-of-age tale charting the first loves, lusts and obsessions of friends on vacation at the end of the 1970s, directed by Antonio Banderas.
I love this particular scene when they all danced and played around in the rain in slow-mo with the haunting background music!
There are a lot of cryptic, subtle visual in the movie which I don't really understand: the scene in the hospital, the part where Miguelito dove in the water and it turned red, and even the ending was open for interpretation. Was it all just a fiction serenaded by the mysterious DJ? Or did it really happen and he simply watched it from afar? And did Miguelito die in the end? And why was he barefooted in the final scene?
I guess we can interpret it anyway we like.
And one movie after another, I saw The Dark Knight yesterday and it was so great. I'm even ashamed of myself for not knowing the entire Batman story (I was actually surprised when Harvey Dent turned into the villain, duh, apparently it was a general knowledge I had no idea about even when we just discussed about it over dinner the previous night before) But the movie was full-on action from the minute it started 'til the very end: dark, fast-paced and scary all thanks to the Joker.
Love the quote that this Joker is a psychopath and when he makes one of his jokes, he's the only one laughing.
And during the last few days I also managed to see Darjeeling Limited and Elizabeth too on DVDs at home. Now that's what I call movie junky!
How about your weekend, people? :)
I understand how you feel. I have my own reasons but I get yours. We tried to come up with the middle ground, but it's tiring to think anymore. "Let's just boil it down to me being an idiot and move on," you said.
Yes, but it wouldn't go away. Eventually it will emerge again, forgiven not forgotten.
But at least, for the time being, let me rest.
Wednesday, 16 July 2008
But lately it's bothering me to know that being an Indonesian suddenly put me on the back of the list, as if being one makes my brain goes slower, my legs limper and my skills lessen.
Phone calls that I've received from some companies these past few days have proved me right.
"Oh, your resume is good, and you're suitable for the job, but you're Indonesian, and you don't have PR, thus we can't take you..."
Yes! Because not owning a PR would crumble the company and Microsoft Office among other computer programs only works for Singaporeans, right?
And of course, in this media and communication industry, it's so bad to have an accent which doesn't end with the word 'la', I can't possibly relate, right?
I'm sorry, I sound awful. And I'm not mad, not more than just perturbed. But I shall remain optimistic.
...Just a short post to get this off my chest. I'll write more soon :)
Saturday, 12 July 2008
I'd like to make sure that I still see her occasionally, even though 'occasionally' could strech to once every 6 months or even longer, but we tried. And eager as we always are, every meet-up feels just like the old times, like no time has passed, as if we're still those two younger girls who see each other everyday and go home together because our homes were only a few blocks away.
And of course, there is that favorite dessert place in Bugis. (^_^)
That easiness never changed, and we would spend hours laughing over anecdotes of our past years, wondering the whereabouts of our old friends, and filling each other's up on the recent news and updates.
And I wish it will always be like that, because yes, the classes that used to make us see each other everyday had to expire and yes, I may have moved to a different place now so we can't possibly just 'meet up in central in five minutes' like before, but everything's bound to be like that, just as we progress in life and move on.
But when we do make time for each other, which I hope I will never take for granted, that's how we would remember our friendship. Not of how we grew apart for all these years, and not about how we knew nothing about what's going on in the other's lives anymore, none of those.
Instead, perhaps it's better to think that despite all these, nothing has really changed, at least not when it comes to us.
Afterall, proximity sometimes has very little to do with what truly matters.
What makes her different, unfaltered despite months of absence, is her eagerness to open up yet again.
There is no need for each of us to even ask, "so, what's new?" because we would just straight away yap like there's no tomorrow and tell the other everything that comes to mind. (Even when she had what-it-seems-to-be-a-painful-eye-infection and she had to check her eyes every other minute because they're red and itchy, poor girl...)
So hours passed without us noticing and we parted with a promise to catch up again sometime soon.
"Definitely when I won't have to scratch my eyeballs out every few seconds!" she said.
Hear, hear! Hope your eyes get better, and don't ever change, dear friend.
Friday, 11 July 2008
12:00 AM @ Fort Canning Park Fort Canning Centre, Cox Terrace, 179618, Singapore Singapore TICKET PRICE (Exclude Booking Fee) 2 Aug 2008 Pre-Sale - S$150 3 Aug 2008 Pre-Sale - S$200 Week-ender Pass Pre-Sale - S$300 price: S$150-$300
"I want to see Jason Mraz's concert but it's so damn expensive!"
"Well, ticket's from 150 bucks.."
"That's ridiculous! I mean, how many albums have this guy made? He'd wanna be the Beatles on a reunion tour for that price!"
"5 albums! And yes, that is expensive!"
"Never heard for the guy. He's not big in the west or at least in Europe. He had three albums, dude, liar liar pants on fire. Says on Wikipedia three!"
"He has two other live concerts and accoustic albums!"
"THEY ARE NOT ALBUMS! I just find that price absurd, never heard a concert that expensive. For 75 euro you'd probably staring at someone's ass.."
Considering that I am currently jobless and I've pretty much had only three hundred bucks on my account (the pathetic remains of my three months job's salary), perhaps the concert is a bit pricey. Isn't it funny how you could remember vividly what you did to earn that cash but have almost no recollection of spending it?Is that possible?
But I spent half an hour trying to convince Mr. Skeptic over here that Jason Mraz is way cooler than ice cubes.
But his only respond when I said his lyrics are unique and catchy was, "So does Radiohead..." (clearly disinterested with everything I have said in the last 30 minutes)
Well, a plane and a bird both can fly but we hardly look at them the same way, do we? Fine, that's an absurd comparison, but...no buts!
Thursday, 10 July 2008
It's quite obvious from the picture selection to my new page header that I'm a Once fan. To me, the image itself is beautiful, even without knowing the context of which it represents, without seeing it in a scene of a continuous story which is filled with memorable moments and tunes.
Coming across this movie is entirely a story in itself; not through cinematic trailers, not through billboards and posters in the theatre. Rather, I was in a little DVD shop back home, carelessly rummaging through piles and piles of disks selection. This unknown movie, Once somehow managed to stand out from the rest. I learned that it essentially is an Irish movie, which miraculously was an added appeal.
Glen Hansard (and not far from the role that he plays) is a real-life musician more well known as the lead singer of The Frames, a popular Irish rock band. Funny because not long before I even knew who this guy was, an irish friend of mine who happened to come and visit mentioned him during one of our conversation. We were on the plane and he was letting me hear some songs from his IPod, and apart from David Gray, none of them were familiar. And when I asked who his favorite singer was, he said The Frames was pretty cool. Star Star was their first song that I listened to, but it didn't make that much impression yet. Only until I have watched the entire movie weeks later that I realized that Glen Hansard is truly a talented singer/song writer.
With only a budget $160,000 this movie was shot and it became an international success. You should hear to all of the songs because they really are amazing, from Falling Slowly, Lies, and When Your Mind's Made Up, three of my favorites.
The songs speak for themselves, and thus, no elaborate narratives were required more than necessary. Music is the conversation in itself.
What I like particularly about this movie, aside from the songs obviously, is that everything is just really natural. No embellishment, no dramatic effects, no exaggeratements, it's really real as real can be. The story is simple yet heartfelt. The guy and the girl connect through their music, and through music itself it's apparent that they care for each other even when nothing actually happened, not even a physical contact in a romantic context. But yet 'Hansard and Irglová were quite happy with the unrequited ending for their onscreen characters'. The fact that they didn't end up together at the end of the movie made it even more meaningful.
And I suppose that's the most innocent love of all, right? Unpossessing love. It's a story of romance just as much as it's about the journey of a street-musician who struggles to make a record. And deals with life, basically. Past failed relationships, daytime meaningless jobs, and pursuing dreams.
Scenery of Dublin is also captured in the movie and it's absolutely gorgeous. The streets and alleys are like straight out of ancient times, and lakes, mountains, clear blue sky,...how could anyone not think they're pretty? You don't see those things here.
Listening to the songs hasn't bored me yet and now I've got the entire album, whether you've seen the movie or not, these songs are definitely worth checking out.
Monday, 7 July 2008
I don't intend to bring myself to the state of idiocy, and whereas it suits some people perfectly, I would prefer not. But I'm sorry, bitterness is not a way to live, and a friend pointed that out to me yesterday. They say life is way too sweet to be bitter. So I'm going to set aside the nasty comments and just proceed to the point.
The thing is, being away from work or school for that matter, does make me feel stupid. Hence, the idiocy reference. I suppose I shouldn't be too hard since I just completed my last subject a week ago, but it does feel longer. I don't wanna get used to it.
I remember feeling completely determined to make the most of my time at the start of this year, but somewhere along the line, it vanished just as quickly. Now, I would hate to think that I'm simply unmotivated, but I'm afraid that's the case. I've always had it easy, and that makes me lazy. I said this too many times before, that I had many ambitions but I ended up not doing much; sadly, that is true. Having a short-attention span does this to me.
I wonder if only I have stayed there long enough, if only I have beared myself through the hard process, that things would eventually start getting easier. After all, the starting point is always the hardest. Am I just too quick to judge? But patience is not my best virtue and I suppose it's this girl's fatal flaw. Among many others.
To make myself feel better, I sent two applications today but it's a bit far-fetched, I mean, Jet Star? Why didn't I just apply to...Superstar Virgo or, oh heck, I don't know, was I even serious about this?
So, among the little food poisoning episode that I got last weekend and in the midst of my moral dilemma (to be a pig or not to be), Eric is back to China today! And whereas I sympathize that he was saddened to bid farewell to his family and friends, the selfish me is glad that he's far more reachable again, and we don't have to endure another broken conversations over skype which did nothing but increased my blood pressure.
We spent hours discussing how I was called a traitor for my own country based on a quiz in facebook. Ah, good ol' times. Glad to have you back, dude!
Saturday, 5 July 2008
Friday, 4 July 2008
I'm officially pathetic. My class won't be 'til another two weeks, so now I'm pretty much...doing what? Well, let's see..Watching movies, having karaoke, eating out, notice a similarity there? Yep, those can be categorized into: spending money. I'm telling you, spending money feels good but it makes you feel guilty afterwards. Especially after you check your balance up in the ATM. I'm trying to minimize that, and you know usually when you withdraw money, the screen will show your balance whether you ask for it or not? Well, UOB doesn't do that, so I can avoid all the thrilling suspense. It's the way to go for cowards such as myself.
But okay, speaking of which, I just saw Hancock yesterday, and to me, it was...dissapointing. The beginning and near the end were fine, but the middle..just didn't make any sense. It did, but well, it just seemed a bit forced. "I can't believe I'm actually bored," I whispered to my friend beside me, and she just chuckled. Was that a 'yeah, me too' or a 'oh, shut up, you whiner', I don't know.
But perhaps today promised a better outcome from the look of it. I went out to get some food this afternoon and it should have cost me two dollars and eighty cents (yes, everyone! Come to Jurong, the food here is cheap! I'm a cheapo!), and I gave the seller a ten dollar note. She came back, handed me $12,80, and left to serve another customer.
Now bear in mind this happened in a matter of seconds and I still stood there, waiting for someone to yell 'cut!' or something, but noone with a big lighting bulb or a giant camera set showed up. But just in case, I stayed for another few seconds while the angel and devil kept whispering on both my ears, and then I left.
Yes, ladies and gentlemen, I left. I'm a shameless thief. Some two-dollars-thief, but thief nevertheless. That is even more pathetic! If I were to be a thief, I wanna steal something really big and expensive and impressive, and certainly not a 2-dollars-worth-of-chinese-food!
On second thought, no, today isn't any better! I'm still a bummer! A bummer who happened to be a thief, somemore!
Thursday, 3 July 2008
It's because I know very much what he's capable of. And he has accomplished things I never thought he could, and if he's allowed to feel any pickle of human emotions, it should have been pride. It irked me that the one person who should be proud, wasn't. It's ridiculous how some people who really deserve to feel good after their hard work, just still manage to feel inadequate somehow, and those who spend their days just bumming around and talking without making any efforts, have the decency to boast and think they're smart. It's amazing how delusional some people are.
"You shouldn't be too hard on yourself," I told him. "Realize that there are things you ought to feel good about, but at the same time, never stop moving."
In my school years, whenever semesters ended and reports were collected, and my scores were impressive enough to put me on the top rank of the class, I always boasted. You could practically see me gloat. I went up to my mom and showed the report book to her, grinning from ear to ear like a madman, and demanded a raise in pocket money for performing excellently (in my own mind), and she would smile with the 'ah, look at you, you're so full of yourself' but-pleased-look and congratulate me for the good job I did, but she has always ended it with a reminder that I should never be satisfied, no matter how great I thought I did. She always managed to...make me feel like she was proud of me, but at the same time, still encouraged me to do better. I don't know how she did it. That, is a precious lesson.
It's true when people say that you're the hardest judge for yourself, and I can sympathize. The truth is, there are always gonna be people who do anything better than you, and if you spend your entire life measuring up to them, when will you ever stop to pat yourself on the back and say, "good job, me"?
In the broadest sense, we can never be satisfied if we know that there is something above what we’ve got. But it's a beautiful thing, not being perfect all the time, because there are imperfections, those call for needs to improve, to change, and to not just stop there.
Because there will always be sky above sky, we won't ever stop wanting, right? How scary it is when you don't want anything anymore? Feel good, but don't stop.
So he said, "I want to lose some weight," and I replied, "Good for you."
Wednesday, 2 July 2008
I miss.....the time when what you're looking for was looking for you, not the other way around.
I miss.....my limitless positivity, my youthful energy and innocent outlook towards people.
I miss.....my bimbotic attitude.