Tuesday, 28 December 2010
When I was five, he poured milk all over my head because I didn't want to drink a well-prepared glass of milk.
When I was six, he locked me up in the bathroom to teach me a lesson to not be disobedient again.
Somewhere along the line, he stopped punishing me for my mistakes.
Maybe I simply grew up and finally got my act together.
But a part of me believed he has become softer as he aged.
During my junior high, I always turned to him whenever I wanted something so badly.
During senior year, he was unable to say 'no' even though what I wanted was simply trivial and materialistic things.
When I turned seventeen, he asked me what I wanted and how I wanted to celebrate my birthday.
Somewhere along the line, he became my biggest supporter and fan, and someone who would always take care of my problems.
Over the years, he became my only parent and it changed everything.
I'd like to think that after everything that's happened, it only brought us closer together.
Because now, he is just as hurt and broken as I am.
Yet, he continues being a strong figure for our sake.
He's not perfect, but he tries.
I know it is still far from the truth,
But I hope that to you, I have become someone that you could be proud of too.
I hope you could see how much I have changed and trust me for my judgment.
Although, there is so much more that I haven't seen and so much more I have to learn.
Wednesday, 22 December 2010
I always feel this pressure of being a strong and independent icon of womanhood, and without making it look like my whole life is revolving around some guy. But loving someone, and being loved means so much to me. We always make fun of it and stuff. But isn't everything we do in life a way to be loved a little more?
Monday, 20 December 2010
For the umpteenth time, let me just say that I’m never big on birthdays. I haven’t been excited about birthdays since I discovered that Santa is not real, and that Seifer Almasy is just a fictional character I can’t meet and marry. Life’s tough. My point is, I gladly let every year pass without much of a fuss if it’s up to me. But people expect you to clink a glass of champagne or two and make a toast. Well, this is slightly a metaphor.
Today at work my colleague kept asking me what my plan is for tomorrow. I sort of just stared at her blankly and said, “um, nothing.” She looked so shocked as if she just saw a UFO flying in the air. Tomorrow, in fact, is my birthday and yet, I will wake up and do the same routine that I have been doing in the past year.
Ah, maybe I’m gonna throw in extra earring but that purely depends whether I will get ready in time or if I’ll be rushing from home without checking myself in the mirror. Either way, nothing will change.
The one thing that I’ll be concerned about is whether I will have wrinkles the next time I look in the mirror. After all, I’ll be 24 in less than 2 hours! Fuck! (Did I just curse? Sorry! That was very unlady-like of me.)
It has become a habit though, to write my thoughts each year in this blog, so I’m not gonna break the tradition this time around, even though I’m not exactly celebrating the occasion. My perfect birthday will be, if I’m home, surrounded by my family and closest friends, and there’s that. I’m happy.
However, my mom is no longer around and my dad is not coming here until the 25th. My best friend is away on a vacation overseas, and some of my really good friends are not even in Singapore anymore. I know I still have my sisters here and thank goodness for that. Otherwise, I’m seriously going to just stay in tomorrow, fake sick, and sulk in misery.
For the past year being 23 though, I can proudly say that I’ve been good. (So Santa, I deserve a present.) My whole life has been filled with work, responsibility and things I have not fully appreciated yet until now. I love being able to work and earn my own money, and getting to spend it to make myself happy, to treat my sisters, to plan for things I want to do. Throughout school days, I kept spending, and now I’m gaining it all back.
My focus has been in work, and I don’t know what it will be in the next year. I hope it will be more on myself.
So I guess if I really have to celebrate my birthday, or to say something as a toast for this occasion, is for my 24-years old self to be able to maintain a balance. Take better care of myself, have better judgment, and learn that sometimes, saying no is a good thing.
Happy 24th, yourself. ;)
Saturday, 4 December 2010
It is action, not words, that matters.
Just as it is easy for me to feel empathetic and genuinely appreciative of others, it goes the same quite the opposite way. I don’t have the patience for rudeness and ungratefulness.
I’m not a multitasker, although that probably does not come as a surprise.
I reach a point where things get to me and then I just freak out.
Making a list is really important for me. Without it, I’m like a scattered mess. I need to know what I’m doing and what I’m about to do. I need to think one thing at a time. Although that is easily forgotten; so most of the time I have to stop myself from freaking out to sort myself out.