Wednesday, 11 January, 2012
- from Supernova
Berhentilah merasa hampa. Berhentilah minta tolong untuk dilengkapi. Berhentilah berteriak-teriak ke sesuatu di luar sana. Berhentilah bersikap seperti ikan di dalam kolam yang malah mencari-cari air. Tidak ada seorang pun mampu melengkapi apa yang sudah utuh.
Friday, 6 January, 2012
Top Ten List
Here are the top 10 (but not limited, and in no chronological order) reasons why my boyfriend rules:
1) He puts up with my emotional hurryhah-ness
Just last night, I was feeling wide awake even though it was already past midnight and my brain has been yelling “go sleep, woman!” for my own good. But I couldn’t seem to fall into sleep. Even though he was busy at work, he still made time to reply to my non-important messages and entertained me on the phone until it was over 3 in the morning when I finally started feeling sleepy. He even had to eat his supper while talking to me because I was just being so damn high-maintenance. Seriously, I wouldn’t even date me. He’s really a star and I love him for putting up with all my highs and lows.
2) He makes the best love poem
On our first month anniversary, he wrote me a poem. (Actually, he insisted that the poem wasn’t done yet but I kinda forced him to give it to me. But psst. Let’s just pretend he gave it to me willingly.) It was a simple poem, written in his unruly handwritings (which I love. I love people’s handwritings, and especially his. I could be biased. Totally.) It wasn’t Shakespeare’s masterpiece, but it was the sweetest thing he could have given me at the time. I hold it dearly and it still makes me grin the widest and toothiest grin whenever I see it.
3) His constant reassuring ways to let me know that he loves me
I get jealous. I get insecure. Some other guys probably don’t have the patience to entertain their girlfriends whenever this happens. A friend of mine once shared with me that her boyfriend would just say “don’t be ridiculous” and leave it at that when she admitted of being jealous about something. My boyfriend is the most awesome, loving guy who has never failed to reassure me that I have nothing to be jealous about. He does it so perfectly that I can do nothing but believe him. Just thinking about it makes me want to run up to him and give him a super big hug right now.
4) He has just the right amount of dorkiness that complement mine perfectly
I’m a dork, and this has been pointed out by people a lot of times before. Sometimes I do ridiculous and embarrassing things just to amuse myself, like dancing around the house, or pretending to speak with an accent. But with my boyfriend, it’s not just that he understands and gets me perfectly down to my dorkiest cell, he’s also the dorkiest, most adorable person I have ever met. When everyone would just look at me and laugh whenever I did something silly, my boyfriend would crack me up by doing something even more embarrassing or taking part in the said-silly thing with me.
5) His love for movies, songs, places, pepper lunch and banana honey prata with ice cream
I could not imagine being with someone who doesn’t enjoy going to the movies, or seeing new places while traveling, or sharing my big appetite for food, and all of these things - my boyfriend is the perfect companion. We go to the movies a few times a week and we love planning for travel schemes and sharing new things together, and hey! Who would’ve known, he shares my love for crabs, pepper lunch and banana honey prata with ice cream too! Seriously, is there anything else I could ask for? He rocks.
6) His unapologetic passion for things he loves
I love people with great passion. I think it shows individuality and uniqueness as a person, and I find it really attractive. I love that my boyfriend is addicted to Transformers, I love that he knows all Manchester United players and stats at the back of his hand, and I love that during our recent visit to Dinosaurs Exhibition, he could point out all the Dino facts they got wrong and corrected them. I love that he’s unapologetic about them, and I love it even more that even though we don’t necessarily share the same passion, we find ways to always respect each other’s.
7) His patience for tolerating my cheesiness, mushiness and manjaness
I have a cheesy streak the size of a bull. And when these things hit, he patiently listens, entertains, or try to out-cheeses me, always makes me smile. He never belittles my feelings, or makes fun of these perfectly mock-able traits of mine. Instead, all of the time he hugs me and tells me that he *enter the cheesiest verb you can think of* too.
8) He has the most awesome laugh
I think we all agree that laughter is the best medicine. We can’t take life too seriously and it’s easy when your boyfriend has the most awesome laugh. Mine laughs without inhibitions, loud and infectious. His laughter is the loudest in the room, and I can’t help but laugh along, ruffling his hair playfully because he’s just so adorable.
9) His listening ear
I’m pretty convinced he must have a magic ear for always being ready to listen to my ramblings and stories (which I’m sure he’s not even remotely interested in half of the time). But he never fails to be there for me. Always. Sometimes I take this for granted, but whenever I think about it, I’m so very grateful for his constant willingness to lend me a listening ear, a shoulder to cry on, or any of his other body parts for my emotional well-being.
10) He’s a writer
A great one at that. I’ve always had a thing for writers. I wish there are some better explanations for this, but I just think writers are really sexy. I love seeing his writings, a part of me cheers along whenever I see his name on the paper, and I can’t be prouder that he’s mine. (audience cue: “aaaawwww.”)
11) He reads my mind and completes my sentences
Is he secretly a Jedi? *wishful*
Okay, that was 11. Ooops.
See? I told you I have the best boyfriend in whole world.
1) He puts up with my emotional hurryhah-ness
Just last night, I was feeling wide awake even though it was already past midnight and my brain has been yelling “go sleep, woman!” for my own good. But I couldn’t seem to fall into sleep. Even though he was busy at work, he still made time to reply to my non-important messages and entertained me on the phone until it was over 3 in the morning when I finally started feeling sleepy. He even had to eat his supper while talking to me because I was just being so damn high-maintenance. Seriously, I wouldn’t even date me. He’s really a star and I love him for putting up with all my highs and lows.
2) He makes the best love poem
On our first month anniversary, he wrote me a poem. (Actually, he insisted that the poem wasn’t done yet but I kinda forced him to give it to me. But psst. Let’s just pretend he gave it to me willingly.) It was a simple poem, written in his unruly handwritings (which I love. I love people’s handwritings, and especially his. I could be biased. Totally.) It wasn’t Shakespeare’s masterpiece, but it was the sweetest thing he could have given me at the time. I hold it dearly and it still makes me grin the widest and toothiest grin whenever I see it.
3) His constant reassuring ways to let me know that he loves me
I get jealous. I get insecure. Some other guys probably don’t have the patience to entertain their girlfriends whenever this happens. A friend of mine once shared with me that her boyfriend would just say “don’t be ridiculous” and leave it at that when she admitted of being jealous about something. My boyfriend is the most awesome, loving guy who has never failed to reassure me that I have nothing to be jealous about. He does it so perfectly that I can do nothing but believe him. Just thinking about it makes me want to run up to him and give him a super big hug right now.
4) He has just the right amount of dorkiness that complement mine perfectly
I’m a dork, and this has been pointed out by people a lot of times before. Sometimes I do ridiculous and embarrassing things just to amuse myself, like dancing around the house, or pretending to speak with an accent. But with my boyfriend, it’s not just that he understands and gets me perfectly down to my dorkiest cell, he’s also the dorkiest, most adorable person I have ever met. When everyone would just look at me and laugh whenever I did something silly, my boyfriend would crack me up by doing something even more embarrassing or taking part in the said-silly thing with me.
5) His love for movies, songs, places, pepper lunch and banana honey prata with ice cream
I could not imagine being with someone who doesn’t enjoy going to the movies, or seeing new places while traveling, or sharing my big appetite for food, and all of these things - my boyfriend is the perfect companion. We go to the movies a few times a week and we love planning for travel schemes and sharing new things together, and hey! Who would’ve known, he shares my love for crabs, pepper lunch and banana honey prata with ice cream too! Seriously, is there anything else I could ask for? He rocks.
6) His unapologetic passion for things he loves
I love people with great passion. I think it shows individuality and uniqueness as a person, and I find it really attractive. I love that my boyfriend is addicted to Transformers, I love that he knows all Manchester United players and stats at the back of his hand, and I love that during our recent visit to Dinosaurs Exhibition, he could point out all the Dino facts they got wrong and corrected them. I love that he’s unapologetic about them, and I love it even more that even though we don’t necessarily share the same passion, we find ways to always respect each other’s.
7) His patience for tolerating my cheesiness, mushiness and manjaness
I have a cheesy streak the size of a bull. And when these things hit, he patiently listens, entertains, or try to out-cheeses me, always makes me smile. He never belittles my feelings, or makes fun of these perfectly mock-able traits of mine. Instead, all of the time he hugs me and tells me that he *enter the cheesiest verb you can think of* too.
8) He has the most awesome laugh
I think we all agree that laughter is the best medicine. We can’t take life too seriously and it’s easy when your boyfriend has the most awesome laugh. Mine laughs without inhibitions, loud and infectious. His laughter is the loudest in the room, and I can’t help but laugh along, ruffling his hair playfully because he’s just so adorable.
9) His listening ear
I’m pretty convinced he must have a magic ear for always being ready to listen to my ramblings and stories (which I’m sure he’s not even remotely interested in half of the time). But he never fails to be there for me. Always. Sometimes I take this for granted, but whenever I think about it, I’m so very grateful for his constant willingness to lend me a listening ear, a shoulder to cry on, or any of his other body parts for my emotional well-being.
10) He’s a writer
A great one at that. I’ve always had a thing for writers. I wish there are some better explanations for this, but I just think writers are really sexy. I love seeing his writings, a part of me cheers along whenever I see his name on the paper, and I can’t be prouder that he’s mine. (audience cue: “aaaawwww.”)
11) He reads my mind and completes my sentences
Is he secretly a Jedi? *wishful*
Okay, that was 11. Ooops.
See? I told you I have the best boyfriend in whole world.
Saturday, 31 December, 2011
New Year, New Beginnings.
In the upcoming year, I’m sure I’m going to find new challenges. As of now, I’m already thinking about getting a new job although hearing about all the plans my boss has for next year is actually pretty exciting, so we’ll see about that. Some of my friends are getting married and it seems like everyone’s moving ahead. Or at least, just moving. Although it has been a blissful year, but I know I have to get out of my comfort zone and try something different too.
My hope for the new year is to have the courage to do just that.
Sometimes I wish I could just fast-forward the time just to see if in the end it’s all worth it, but since such time machine has yet to be invented, all we can do is continue doing our best in everything.
Happy New Year, everyone!
Wednesday, 7 December, 2011
Tuesday, 22 November, 2011
Quote of The Day
"When I say “I love you,” its not because I want you or because I can’t have you. It has nothing to do with me. I love what you are, what you do, and how you try. I’ve seen your kindness and your strength. I’ve seen the best and the worst of you. And I understand with perfect clarity exactly what and who you are."
Thursday, 3 November, 2011
Everything.
The best.
It’s always great seeing your good friend after a long absence. My friendship with Wazzy has always been so natural that we don’t really need to see each other in a weekly basis or update each other all the time, yet it’s like we fall right into where we left off when we meet again.
It’s been a while since I met her the last time, and I genuinely miss her. Last night we talked about anything and everything under the sun, about our work life, our travel stories and plans and our respective friends over seafood aglio olios and yummy onion rings.
It’s almost surreal to think that it’s already some two years ago when we were both rocking the clubs almost every week. She has always been there for me when I met some random jerks yet again, and I've tried my best to be there for her during a scary stalkerish situation with her ex.
I love how we can look back and remember all the great memories we’ve had together, knowing that we are still creating many more of those along the way.
It’s been a while since I met her the last time, and I genuinely miss her. Last night we talked about anything and everything under the sun, about our work life, our travel stories and plans and our respective friends over seafood aglio olios and yummy onion rings.
It’s almost surreal to think that it’s already some two years ago when we were both rocking the clubs almost every week. She has always been there for me when I met some random jerks yet again, and I've tried my best to be there for her during a scary stalkerish situation with her ex.
I love how we can look back and remember all the great memories we’ve had together, knowing that we are still creating many more of those along the way.
Wednesday, 2 November, 2011
Quote of the Day
— ― Mignon McLaughlin, The Complete Neurotic’s Notebook
On being the (dorky) one
Back in my advance diploma class, I wrote an essay about being a middle child. There's a theory that says middle child often feels forgotten or ignored and thus, she becomes one that is most different than her siblings, or that she would crave for attention elsewhere because she can’t find it at home.
I don’t find it true based on my experience because I never felt like my parents gave me less attention than they did my sisters while growing up. I’m fortunate to have the best parents in the world who have always provided everything and anything I ever needed.
As a kid, I’ve always been the joker in the family, doing ridiculous and embarrassing stuffs and trying to make everyone laugh. It’s something I took pride of, being able to launch into the ultimate daddy’s girl, clinging into my mom’s arm and acting like I was 5 years old, or cracking lame jokes and being the loud one.
As I get older and I become more conscious about people’s perception of me, I started thinking that maybe people wouldn’t take me seriously if I keep acting this way. It takes some failed attempts to realize that I can’t be anything else.
'Be yourself', they say. But I say, of course. Who else would I be, then?
From something I used to be really proud of, to something I tried to change, to something I want to cherish now.
Who says a 24 year old girl can’t sing Justin Bieber at home like nobody’s business? Or that she can’t say dorky, lame things at the risk of embarrassing herself?
And I guess the fact that a girl has a dorky streak in her gene, doesn’t mean that she can’t be taken seriously.
I am who I am today because of the things I’ve been through, and if it teaches me any, is that we have to treasure every moment and be happy because life is too short to be miserable. And being able to laugh at one-self is the most important thing we can do.
Knowing when to laugh and not to take things too seriously is how we become adults.
And people who can’t appreciate that you’re ‘dorky’ aren’t worth your time.
I don’t find it true based on my experience because I never felt like my parents gave me less attention than they did my sisters while growing up. I’m fortunate to have the best parents in the world who have always provided everything and anything I ever needed.
As a kid, I’ve always been the joker in the family, doing ridiculous and embarrassing stuffs and trying to make everyone laugh. It’s something I took pride of, being able to launch into the ultimate daddy’s girl, clinging into my mom’s arm and acting like I was 5 years old, or cracking lame jokes and being the loud one.
As I get older and I become more conscious about people’s perception of me, I started thinking that maybe people wouldn’t take me seriously if I keep acting this way. It takes some failed attempts to realize that I can’t be anything else.
'Be yourself', they say. But I say, of course. Who else would I be, then?
From something I used to be really proud of, to something I tried to change, to something I want to cherish now.
Who says a 24 year old girl can’t sing Justin Bieber at home like nobody’s business? Or that she can’t say dorky, lame things at the risk of embarrassing herself?
And I guess the fact that a girl has a dorky streak in her gene, doesn’t mean that she can’t be taken seriously.
I am who I am today because of the things I’ve been through, and if it teaches me any, is that we have to treasure every moment and be happy because life is too short to be miserable. And being able to laugh at one-self is the most important thing we can do.
Knowing when to laugh and not to take things too seriously is how we become adults.
And people who can’t appreciate that you’re ‘dorky’ aren’t worth your time.
Monday, 24 October, 2011
No turning back.
Thursday, 13 October, 2011
Past few weeks...
Hey there!
I haven’t been writing much but things are colossally busy these past few weeks! Work has just been a major drag (eh I mean, joy! *looks around suspiciously*) that some days just passed by like a blur and I had no time to do anything else.
I know that sounds just like an excuse, but it’s not! Really, really!
Anyway, just some highlights worth mentioning (to look back when I’m 40 years old in my rocking chair – wait, I don’t think 40 year-olds are supposed to be in a rocking chair yet! But what to do, I’m a lazy bum that way. My ambition in life? To retire early so I have all the time in the world to go traveling.)
My friend (bless you, Jonny boy in case you’re reading) has always mocked me for being a spoilt brat. He uses the term ‘Miss Reilly’ (bless you and your ridiculous yet adorable Irish phrases! I’d take Miss Reilly to Miss Spoilt Brat all day.) He has this impression that I can just bat my eyelids and get whatever I want. Sigh, if only life is that simple. I would invest heavily on my eyelashes. The only person that would fall for that trick is probably just my Dad. (Hello, Dad! I love you! Can I move in to your new apartment for free? *bats eyelashes*)
The reason why I’m saying this is because in my grand plan of retiring early and traveling the world, I missed out one tiny, little fact. That money just doesn’t grow on trees. Which explains why I’m slaving my days away. It’s an investment, see. Towards early retirement.
So yeah. Back to the highlights. Over the past few weeks I…
Went to Port Dickson with a dear friend. It was so beautiful there, and I’ve never felt so close to the sea before! (Well, actually, I have, but you can’t compare it to Italy! It’s unfair!) It was pretty sweet though, I give you that. Our room was directly viewing the sea and we even had an open window and a balcony overlooking the water. Aside from the room being huge with a capital h, the bathroom has a Jacuzzi and the shower was open in the middle of the space! It’s not like I felt like a porn star every time I took a shower, but how often do we get to like, bathe in an open space that big? Can’t help but making silly poses as I was scrubbing my body with soap. Psst.
Watched Westlife in concert! Shweet, shweet. Thanks to dearie who managed to get us tickets, we watched the concert for free! I’ve been an avid fan since my awkward early teen days and it was so much fun seeing them live. They sounded great live too! I’ve always had a major crush on Mark (cmon, that deep voice, serious, intense look, who doesn’t? So what if he swings the other way?) but after that concert, I have an equally major crush on Shane. His voice was amazing, those lads really seemed like fun, genuine guys in real life. Awesome experience.
Watched ridiculous amounts of movies. Well, this is pretty much a given. Being a major movie geek, I watch movies probably more than average, but it used to be that I dragged my sisters or had to arrange for dates with friends to see a movie (because I just don’t like seeing movie alone. (I tried, I blogged about it, it was sad. The day I watched a movie alone is a sad, sad day.) But now, thank goodness for dearie (bless his handsome, sweet face) that he’s ‘obligated’ to watch all these movies with me (romantic comedies included). Mwahaha. Hey, I’m sure he enjoys it too. Right? Right? Right? (I’m gonna ask the next time I see him just to be completely sure.)
Got tickets to see Wicked! This is probably something that runs in the family (or at least, just between me and my sisters), but we love music and films and combine them both? Sold! It’s a pity that the only live musicals I have ever watched were probably some Disney on Ices and Cinderella Musical. I saw Les Miserables concert on DVD and it’s really one musical I *must* see if I ever have the chance to. I’m not quite familiar with Wicked or Wizard of Oz for that matter, but this looks really good so we got the tickets to watch the show in December and I’m excited!
Have been going out with dearie for four months. I know it sounds so short in words. I even cringed as I wrote it. Four. Four. Just four months. Only one hundred and twenty days? Okay, okay, I’m going to stop being dramatic. (Drama queen Miss Reilly is talking). But really? Four months? I go in to Ion Orchard and come out from there in four months. I tried on clothes and go shopping in four months. I spend four months waiting when friends come late on our meetups. You don’t feel this way after dating for just four months! But as cheesy as it sounds, I do. (Please shoot me.) So really, I’m grateful any day even when we have just been going out for four months and it’s equivalent to the amount of time I (the vain me) spend getting ready for dates.
Bought a new laptop and vowed to eat grass for the next month. No explanation needed.
I'm officially broke. Enough said.
I haven’t been writing much but things are colossally busy these past few weeks! Work has just been a major drag (eh I mean, joy! *looks around suspiciously*) that some days just passed by like a blur and I had no time to do anything else.
I know that sounds just like an excuse, but it’s not! Really, really!
Anyway, just some highlights worth mentioning (to look back when I’m 40 years old in my rocking chair – wait, I don’t think 40 year-olds are supposed to be in a rocking chair yet! But what to do, I’m a lazy bum that way. My ambition in life? To retire early so I have all the time in the world to go traveling.)
My friend (bless you, Jonny boy in case you’re reading) has always mocked me for being a spoilt brat. He uses the term ‘Miss Reilly’ (bless you and your ridiculous yet adorable Irish phrases! I’d take Miss Reilly to Miss Spoilt Brat all day.) He has this impression that I can just bat my eyelids and get whatever I want. Sigh, if only life is that simple. I would invest heavily on my eyelashes. The only person that would fall for that trick is probably just my Dad. (Hello, Dad! I love you! Can I move in to your new apartment for free? *bats eyelashes*)
The reason why I’m saying this is because in my grand plan of retiring early and traveling the world, I missed out one tiny, little fact. That money just doesn’t grow on trees. Which explains why I’m slaving my days away. It’s an investment, see. Towards early retirement.
So yeah. Back to the highlights. Over the past few weeks I…
Went to Port Dickson with a dear friend. It was so beautiful there, and I’ve never felt so close to the sea before! (Well, actually, I have, but you can’t compare it to Italy! It’s unfair!) It was pretty sweet though, I give you that. Our room was directly viewing the sea and we even had an open window and a balcony overlooking the water. Aside from the room being huge with a capital h, the bathroom has a Jacuzzi and the shower was open in the middle of the space! It’s not like I felt like a porn star every time I took a shower, but how often do we get to like, bathe in an open space that big? Can’t help but making silly poses as I was scrubbing my body with soap. Psst.
Watched Westlife in concert! Shweet, shweet. Thanks to dearie who managed to get us tickets, we watched the concert for free! I’ve been an avid fan since my awkward early teen days and it was so much fun seeing them live. They sounded great live too! I’ve always had a major crush on Mark (cmon, that deep voice, serious, intense look, who doesn’t? So what if he swings the other way?) but after that concert, I have an equally major crush on Shane. His voice was amazing, those lads really seemed like fun, genuine guys in real life. Awesome experience.
Watched ridiculous amounts of movies. Well, this is pretty much a given. Being a major movie geek, I watch movies probably more than average, but it used to be that I dragged my sisters or had to arrange for dates with friends to see a movie (because I just don’t like seeing movie alone. (I tried, I blogged about it, it was sad. The day I watched a movie alone is a sad, sad day.) But now, thank goodness for dearie (bless his handsome, sweet face) that he’s ‘obligated’ to watch all these movies with me (romantic comedies included). Mwahaha. Hey, I’m sure he enjoys it too. Right? Right? Right? (I’m gonna ask the next time I see him just to be completely sure.)
Got tickets to see Wicked! This is probably something that runs in the family (or at least, just between me and my sisters), but we love music and films and combine them both? Sold! It’s a pity that the only live musicals I have ever watched were probably some Disney on Ices and Cinderella Musical. I saw Les Miserables concert on DVD and it’s really one musical I *must* see if I ever have the chance to. I’m not quite familiar with Wicked or Wizard of Oz for that matter, but this looks really good so we got the tickets to watch the show in December and I’m excited!
Have been going out with dearie for four months. I know it sounds so short in words. I even cringed as I wrote it. Four. Four. Just four months. Only one hundred and twenty days? Okay, okay, I’m going to stop being dramatic. (Drama queen Miss Reilly is talking). But really? Four months? I go in to Ion Orchard and come out from there in four months. I tried on clothes and go shopping in four months. I spend four months waiting when friends come late on our meetups. You don’t feel this way after dating for just four months! But as cheesy as it sounds, I do. (Please shoot me.) So really, I’m grateful any day even when we have just been going out for four months and it’s equivalent to the amount of time I (the vain me) spend getting ready for dates.
Bought a new laptop and vowed to eat grass for the next month. No explanation needed.
I'm officially broke. Enough said.
Wednesday, 12 October, 2011
- from The Man of My Dreams
Saturday, 8 October, 2011
Wednesday, 5 October, 2011
Fear.
I have a problem.
I know I’m not the easiest person in the whole world, but I never thought that I may be the most complicated either. I have a friend who is so laid-back I don’t think he ever gets mad, ever. Of course he does, but it seems like he rarely lets things get to him, and I always ask him how. He just shrugs and looks at me that gets me thinking that maybe that kinda thing comes hereditary.
The thing is. It’s almost as if I have a fighting mechanism against happiness. The moment things start to go well.. I start getting rashes and I would screw everything up. Yet, I crave nothing more than just being happy.
I’m not even talking about the kind of epiphany or dramatic happiness. It doesn’t have to be the kind of joy that makes me want to dance around the house, or makes me feel like I just won the lottery.
It’s the day-to-day happiness that makes you smile as you wake up in the morning, and as you go to bed at night. It doesn’t have to be a looney grin either. Just a content one will do. I want to count my blessings and realize how much I have going on to be grateful.
But instead, I’m focused on the bad and negative things. Of course life isn’t perfect. But why do I let those imperfect things that I can’t control, affect how I feel about everything else I have? Why can’t I pull myself away from these negative, destructive thoughts which do no good than just burying myself even deeper into the big black pitch that is this negativity?
It doesn’t happen all the time, but it comes in waves, sometimes in the least unexpected times, catching me off guard. It’s really affecting me that I start exaggerating the situation, making myself feel even worse without reason.
I don’t know what I’m so afraid of. Why I’m being the way I am. I don’t remember ever feeling like this before. At least, not this intensely that I can feel it creeping at me at nights.
I feel like, I’m valuing something too much that I’m becoming too afraid of it being taken away from me. I’m scared because now I can’t imagine how I’m going to be without it.
But so what? Do I value it too much more than I value myself? To let myself be consumed of these thoughts? Why can’t I just be…happy?
Why is it hard for me to believe that maybe, I have everything I ever wanted? Why is it almost impossible for me to think that maybe this time, things work out? Why do I have to look for troubles and be negative when I can be happy?
Maybe the key is to love myself first and foremost. Maybe I need to put more faith in people. That there are some people out there worth trusting. That there are people who will not hurt you on purpose.
I know this is something I have to deal with on my own. Changing my attitude and releasing myself off negative thoughts. But I feel helpless. I haven’t been much of a religious person in the past four years but now I feel like I need it more than ever. To ask for help and support from something that is beyond my own being. Because I know what I’m feeling will not just affect me, but eventually others too, and it’s the least thing I want to do.
I don’t know when to start. But all I know is that I’m pretty much broken. I’m full of layers and layers of irrational thoughts and I know I have to peel them away yet I’m still figuring out how.
I need help because I’m afraid one day I’m just going to break because I can’t handle it anymore. I need help for the sake of the people around me, and most importantly, for me. Because there should be no one else I’d value more than myself.
I know I’m not the easiest person in the whole world, but I never thought that I may be the most complicated either. I have a friend who is so laid-back I don’t think he ever gets mad, ever. Of course he does, but it seems like he rarely lets things get to him, and I always ask him how. He just shrugs and looks at me that gets me thinking that maybe that kinda thing comes hereditary.
The thing is. It’s almost as if I have a fighting mechanism against happiness. The moment things start to go well.. I start getting rashes and I would screw everything up. Yet, I crave nothing more than just being happy.
I’m not even talking about the kind of epiphany or dramatic happiness. It doesn’t have to be the kind of joy that makes me want to dance around the house, or makes me feel like I just won the lottery.
It’s the day-to-day happiness that makes you smile as you wake up in the morning, and as you go to bed at night. It doesn’t have to be a looney grin either. Just a content one will do. I want to count my blessings and realize how much I have going on to be grateful.
But instead, I’m focused on the bad and negative things. Of course life isn’t perfect. But why do I let those imperfect things that I can’t control, affect how I feel about everything else I have? Why can’t I pull myself away from these negative, destructive thoughts which do no good than just burying myself even deeper into the big black pitch that is this negativity?
It doesn’t happen all the time, but it comes in waves, sometimes in the least unexpected times, catching me off guard. It’s really affecting me that I start exaggerating the situation, making myself feel even worse without reason.
I don’t know what I’m so afraid of. Why I’m being the way I am. I don’t remember ever feeling like this before. At least, not this intensely that I can feel it creeping at me at nights.
I feel like, I’m valuing something too much that I’m becoming too afraid of it being taken away from me. I’m scared because now I can’t imagine how I’m going to be without it.
But so what? Do I value it too much more than I value myself? To let myself be consumed of these thoughts? Why can’t I just be…happy?
Why is it hard for me to believe that maybe, I have everything I ever wanted? Why is it almost impossible for me to think that maybe this time, things work out? Why do I have to look for troubles and be negative when I can be happy?
Maybe the key is to love myself first and foremost. Maybe I need to put more faith in people. That there are some people out there worth trusting. That there are people who will not hurt you on purpose.
I know this is something I have to deal with on my own. Changing my attitude and releasing myself off negative thoughts. But I feel helpless. I haven’t been much of a religious person in the past four years but now I feel like I need it more than ever. To ask for help and support from something that is beyond my own being. Because I know what I’m feeling will not just affect me, but eventually others too, and it’s the least thing I want to do.
I don’t know when to start. But all I know is that I’m pretty much broken. I’m full of layers and layers of irrational thoughts and I know I have to peel them away yet I’m still figuring out how.
I need help because I’m afraid one day I’m just going to break because I can’t handle it anymore. I need help for the sake of the people around me, and most importantly, for me. Because there should be no one else I’d value more than myself.
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