Tuesday, 29 April 2008
This morning I woke up feeling like shit. No, don't take it literally, I'm not suffering from diarrhea or anything. Actually I've been feeling unwell since yesterday night, and maybe I shouldn't have slept too late when I already felt like I wasn't in my peak moments, but that happened, so no use in scolding myself now. So, this morning I had a terrible sore throat, and it's painful to swallow, and my nose was blocked you could stick a dead rat in front of me and I wouldn't have smelt anything although maybe that would be because I would have fainted first upon seeing the rat, but that's not the point.
Because of the sore throat too, my voice sounds so different now. I wish I could tell you that it becomes all sultry and sexy and throaty, but all I could say is, I sound like a failing rocker. A terrible, terrible rocker. Imagine me, being bass. Okay, that's a man's vocal timbre, but I was just trying to paint you a picture. That's how awful I sound.
Please do yourself a favor. Don't imagine it. I'm not quite ready to be responsible for someone else's turning senile.
So anyway. I wasn't feeling well enough to go to the office and I spent most of the day in bed. Well, thanks for your concern, I practically can see your furrowed brows and concerned eyes *sarcastic*. But tomorrow I have no choice but to go to work in whatever condition because it'll be my last day and I'll get paid! I feel bad enough not working today, and maybe I shouldn't have felt so guilty but I just couldn't help it.
Just thought I wrote a line or two. But Thursday is drawing near and I can feel that it's going to be an awesome weekend for me :) So I hope I get better, STAT!
Saturday, 26 April 2008
But on the other hand, I don't want to give in too much too soon. This relationship has been moving fast, and I don't want to miss out anything; the little parts. The time for really getting to know and taking it slow. Seems like we've just been scratching the surface and we haven't even seen anything yet, and yet we have made plans ahead of time. It's inevitable to think about the future but I wonder if we should, just yet. But even I have to admit that it is a nice feeling.
I'm wondering, though, whether being so close with someone is bound to make you more more comfortable, or more conscious. Of course, ideally, we ought to be most comfortable with our closest ones. But it takes time, doesn't it? Before then, I guess we just have to try getting there. Because I'm close to someone new, it makes it even more important to impress, to show the best in us, it doesn't necessarily mean that we have to be someone else and not ourselves, do you get what I mean? But there's still a filter, surely?
And maybe the time needed to get there is different for each person. What if one has felt so comfortable with the other and expected the same but the other just hasn't quite gotten there? Should the conscious one compromises and forces herself to be comfortable? Justifying herself that she will get there too anyway eventually, so there really is nothing wrong with doing it a little bit sooner if that means she can please the other party? Or should the comfortable one try to understand the other and not expect anything?
How does the conscious one explain to the comfortable one that she just needs time to get there, and it has nothing to do with not trusting him? And how does the comfortable one get the feeling that by her not feeling quite all comfortable around him yet means that she doesn't trust him? That it basically means he will just question and doubt her feelings altogether?
And is there a time limit, anyway? Is it quite normal to still feel conscious even after some time together? I don't know.
I just know that it doesn't mean that I don't trust him, because I do. In fact, it has nothing to do with him and everything to do with me, because I'm being my usual insecure and worrying kind. And maybe it's a wrong and twisted logic altogether, but I feel more conscious towards him because his opinion matters to me more than anyone else's.
Okay, I'm babbling. I'm just thinking out loud. But in all honesty, I'm really happy and everything is good with him. I obviously have an issue, ha! But this is something, he is something. Everytime we have disagreement, once we cool down we would apologize no matter who's wrong, and we always respect each other's opinion even when we can't quite understand it. I feel good about this whole thing.
I know it probably takes more time for me to finally get there, but there's nothing wrong with that, right? Because I will get there, I know it. With everything that has been going so fast, it's easy to lose yourself but I'm just grateful I have someone who can hold it all together. I hope he knows that from the little things.
Thursday, 24 April 2008
Anyway no noteworthy news yet, just wanted to tell you that I went to Keppel Bay today at work to drop off something as there's a Boat Asia event going on right now, and it was my first time seeing gorgeous line-up of private yachts! It's like coming out from the scene of The O.C or something, haha, anyway I was transfixed 'cos apparently I just realized that rich Singapore people can be really, really rich.
Work has been busy as usual, I keep telling myself that I will only have a week more to go so I should be more energized but ah, what the hell. I'm still highly unmotivated. Ha! Was receiving a nice surprise though today, cos I spoke to an old friend, and we haven't talked ever since he left Singapore some months ago.
Sorry, this entry is so rubbish. Have work again tomorrow so I need to doze off soon:) *Excited for next week!*
Tuesday, 22 April 2008
But I was simply heartbroken. I love that lens! And I didn't have another back-up lens! It was meant to be used for six months, so forgive me for not backing it up just yet. I thought I had another month, at the very least, and this was the first time it ever happened, okay. I do not posses nails (okay, I do, but you know what I mean..Wasn't trying to freak you out there), so the question on how could my lens break on its own remains a mystery. I'll leave that to you to figure out, or if anyone has a groundbreaking revolution, please do amuse me.
So I was speechless for a whole minute. I simply didn't know what to do. I tried putting it on but it hurts, and you shouldn't try that at home. The broken rear could possibly poke (not possibly, it will, trust me) your eyeball and it's not a good feeling, having your eyeball poked. Really. Three seconds of having the broken lens in my eye and I was tearing up. Gosh I loved that lens. I haven't even had a proper chance to say goodbye. So that was a break-up felt like.
Having had that emotional and spiritual connection towards the lens made it even harder to throw it away, but it was just impossible to use, and you could say, 'bloody hell! Such drama queen! You could easily just buy a new one, for goodness sake! There are bigger problems in this world, like threat of starvation, Olympics' boycott, or that Mas Selamat thing! Get over your bloody lens crisis and move on!'
To those who said it, I'd say, 'Fine, can't really deny the whole drama queen remark, but one thing which you were wrong was, I couldn't just easily buy a new one because it's not even available here!'
Ha! These lens were made specifically for me, catered to my individual, unique eye! Okay, probably not. But, but, but, they are Indonesian brand, and their color were just distinguished. One thing I won't argue here, lens here are b-o-r-i-n-g! They only have standard boring colors (blue, green, purple, grey, brown), yeah, yeah, yeah, so what? Back in Indo, however, you could get anywhere from turqouise, to navy blue, to light blue, to tosca (and those are just blue!) Anyway they are just simply fabulous and they fit so comfortably. I have been using contacts ever since I was in middle school, I know, I keep telling myself not to study too much, but you know, what to do.
So, having no other lens to wear and no intention of walking in blind, I had to quickly buy a new one, even when the color might be dull. I had my eyes checked to and it must have taken me at least fifteen minutes if not more. I was certain I was going blind! It was always a little bit nerve-wrecking to try these different lens and still couldn't seem to read the tiny letters, and so the person just kept changing and adding degrees to it and you just wanted to scream, 'just tell me I'm going blind! Spare me the misery!'
But. Apparently I was being a tad melodramatic because I'm not going blind. The person who checked my eyes assured me that! But then again, he might have just wanted to shut me up. Oh well.
So I bought a new pair of dull color lens. I absolutely dislike the color but at least it will get me through the day without wincing and looking like a spastic.
Monday, 21 April 2008
You may be right if you're saying that I'm a lost cause. I probably am just like a rat running around in the maze not knowing where to go. And if that's the case, I guess I'm guilty as charged. But when else can I afford to be this hopeless if not now?
I've been doing PR for two months now and it is still such a short time, and I'm still just tasting the surface, not even swallowing anything yet. But I don't have the patience. And to be frank, I don't think I'm up for it. I know I can be good at it, I'd like to think I can do better than most people if I really want to, but I just don't want to do something just for the sake of doing it, or because I'm expected to or simply to satisfy my employees. I wanna feel that self-motivation, because certainly I do have some? Less than others, most probably, but still some?
I wish someone could open up my head so people can sort of understand what I'm feeling because there are things that I can't describe by words and it's frustrating sometimes. But, for the time being, I just wanna try different things, because I still can. And because nothing so far has given me that drive, that push, to stay.
I've given it a thought, contemplating whether I'm just being so spoiled and lazy, but bracing and doing things I don't enjoy doing, doing work I know I'm not serious at, well, what's the point? If you look at it, PR could possibly be the most dynamic job ever, and I thought that's what I wanted, but of course once I taste it, I need some excuse to find a bitter end.
Although an intern just can't handle an account just yet and I haven't fully glimpsed the activities and processes behind it, I sort of have a vague idea because I see how these people do it. And I have been doing things for everyone around the office. Little by little, pieces by pieces I started seeing the bigger picture, and I decided it's just not for me. Knowing what I don't want just makes everything looks clearer somehow.
So this morning, determined and focused, I told my boss I needed to talk to him sometime during the evening when he's available and I ended up talking to him for almost an hour. I had a feeling I kinda rambled a little bit but basically I told him pretty much everything. Of course I could have just given him a simpler excuse, (e.g: I need to focus more to my school work, but I don't think he would buy it knowing me), but honesty is always the best policy so I babbled everything: how I really felt, all my worries and concerns, and he listened, nodding in all the right places, trying hard to understand although I could tell I wasn't making much sense, and he offered me some words of wisdom. All in all, he was being really understanding about it.
I decided to stay at least until the end of the month, that's the least I could do. I know it's the busiest time in the office and they always need an extra hand. Boss said I have been doing a good job, and he would be happy to recommend me to other companies who could be hiring an intern. What's more, he offered to let me stay until I get another job. As much as I really appreciated it, I think this month is the end for me. I wanna try new territory, probably finance or banking, who knows? The possibilities are endless.
At the same time, boss told me to be careful and not try too many things. He looked amused by all my ramblings, actually. But the important thing, I finally went ahead and followed my guts. I don't know if this is the right decision but this is my time to test the waters. I won't be able to do this once I graduate. I hope by then, I will have had a bloody good idea what I wanted to do, because I've tried a few things.
I may be confused but I can afford being confused. I think I deserve to be confused for the time being.
Have I been rambling again? Sorry.
Initially just planned to share that news but didn't realize I have written this much. Can't wait til next week, cos Eric's coming. I'd give myself a week break and I'll start being an adult again. I promise. Ha!
So. I'll write again soon and have a nice week ahead! :)
Sunday, 20 April 2008
I've been thinking. Yeah, me, thinking, don't look so shocked. I said 'thinking', not 'soul searching', okay. I still have another four years at least before I'm prone to have quarter-life-crisis, and even then I don't think I'll make much improvement in my way of thinking, I think I'll still be a kid at heart no matter what. Because if being an adult means that you just have to keep doing things you don't wanna do but you have to so you gotta do it anyway, and if that's what 'responsibility' means, then I'm not really looking forward to the prospect. But I've been kinda writing about it before, right, and I just don't wanna keep repeating myself, so I'm going to give it a rest and move on. So, about what I've been thinking, yeah, from it basically I've made up my mind about what I'm going to do next.
No, not about where I'm going to have lunch, because I'm more the spontaneous kind when it comes to that. But what I meant is my plan in general. You know, work, life. Jesus. The thing is, I don't care if people tell me I'm a lazy pig, to be honest, I'm declaring it right now that I want to be a lazy pig, and if you accuse me of being a quitter, then I'm going to make a campaign ('let's just be quitters!') and recruit everyone to be quitters together. But one thing, 'quitting' something you're not supposed to do in the first place isn't quitting. And I didn't say I wanna leave my job yet, did I?
I've pretty much come to a conclusion that I don't wanna have to complain every morning and every night of...everything. And I've decided to do something about it pretty soon. I haven't quite formulated a plan how to tell this to the involved party so nothing is final yet, but yeah, it'll be good if I can do it as soon as possible so I feel more at ease.
To be honest, I want to venture out and try different things. When else will I get to do that? Aside from being highly unmotivated and possessing such short-attention-span, I know I must have some good things going on! Right?
So moving along...Sis and I had great dinner at Raffles yesterday, it was at the new japanese market place, the one that's kinda similar to marche? I totally forgot the name, but anyway it was great, the place was huge and the varieties were all mouth-watering. We had sushi, soba, japanese pizza and some sort of japanese unagi omellete. After which we strolled along the mall and tried out clothes cos we were in shopping mood, and finally chilled at Spinelli. All in all it was a good day, particularly since we hardly went out together anymore. See? Complaining again, I should put an end to this. People, let's be quitters together! Quit with Christina! That could be the slogan. Oh geez.
Just to make the post merrier, this is a picture of sometime ago, when we were in Starbucks in Holland V to study. See, all the books and the mess on our table? We were just super hardworking! Errr...What books, you ask? Those books! Well, they didn't fit in the picture, what to do...
Yep, I felt quite mighty on that day and it didn't have anything to do with my shirt, I'm just always mighty that way. *puke alert*
Friday, 11 April 2008
- My domestic goddess-ness paid off yesterday and I actually managed to cook a delicious meal without burning my kitchen off! Ooops, I just declared how amazing of a cook I was yesterday, I shouldn't be saying that now, should I? I'm pretty proud of myself cos the dish was top item! Despite cooking the entire two packages of mushroom, it was finished on a single scoop. Well, actually, my sister and I were the only ones who ate it, so I guess that could be just pretty biased, eh? Or maybe we were simply gluttonous. But! I'm thinking positive, positive, positive! I must be an excellent cook! I have this image of me opening up my own restaurant which serves all my homemade dishes and everybody just can't get enough of them, the place is packed the whole day and I'll be the next Rachael Ray, and get offered my own television show...Okay, stop, seriously.
- Exam's tomorrow and I can't be even more unprepared. Was spending the whole day at Holland Village with friends to study, yeah, right. The intention was noble but not so much the execution. I don't really care much about coloratura soprano, opera comique, post and lintel architectural structure, blah, blah, blah. If I don't care about my own nails, why would I care about...uh..full round sculpture?!!
Was talking to my friend earlier and he complained about how sick he was of his job. Man, I'm so not cut out for this, I'm not made to enter the corporate world, I'm highly unmotivated and too much of a free spirit. What if I can't do it? People can stay in the same company for years and I don't know how they do it, I'll go mental of the routinity of it, and of course as your career proceeds, you gain more power and you're more in control of the work, you face more challenges and responsibilities and they say it gets better once that happens, but I don't know, man, does everyone feel the same way, really? Or am I just the one being irrational?
I'm just glad at least now I still have school and somehow I still have the option to work or not to work, but even in this internship everyone in the company keeps telling me to think whether this is what I want to do for a career because if so, then I should voice it out. But I don't even know what I want, and it's way too early to think about it when I've only been working there for a month. I have no plan as for tomorrow, let alone if I'm going to keep this job permanently.
To tell you the truth, being an adult scares me. An adult meaning, when you're faced with chances and you're free to choose whatever you want. I've always known what I'm supposed to do, after high school there's no question that I should go to college and university, but then what happens after? Expectations are higher but people don't tell you which way to go anymore, they just want you there, and it's up to you to figure out how to get there, and it's a little bit scary, especially when on most times I don't even know what I'll have for dinner. I know everybody goes through the same thing, and maybe I'm just worrying too much, after all, the thought is always scarier than the real thing. I don't know. I still want to be a kid, knowing I'm doing something right for sure and knowing I can always fall back on someone when things go wrong.
I'm officially babbling, aren't I? 'Short' updates? Yeah, right. There's no such thing as short post in my dictionary. But it's getting late and I have to wake up early tomorrow, and I'm just starting to get a little bit nervous about my exam. Ought I should re-read the materials once again before I go to bed. Wish me luck, people! I'll need plenty of it!
Thursday, 10 April 2008
Making most of it included having ten hours of sleep last night which was heavenly and highly recommended at all times, if you ask me, spending at least an hour in the shower, couching while eating lunch and watching rerun of Sex and The City, bugging Eric at work with my unapologetic pettiness, daydreaming and spending valuable time staring into space, reading Shopaholic which doesn't really require much brain activities, browsing Youtube and ogling over David Archuleta's perfomance on AI,..yeah well, somewhere along those lines, you get the picture.
But I intend to do something, okay! I doubt I'll be doing much studying today, though, like, seriously I can't study til the very last minute besides the topic doesn't really interest me. Sure, I'm quite an artsy person but I don't really need to know various techniques in building architectural structure, or get to know too much details about painting and sculpting methods, do I? Suppose I still have to make decent grade, especially since I missed few days of this class and the lecturer has been eyeing me, knowing I should do extra efforts to make up for it. When I sent her my extra assignment, she didn't really make me feel better by replying, "Is this all? Is this the only extra work that you submitted to make up for the classes you missed?" Nope, definitely not helping. To be honest, I suppose I could do something else, like go to the theatre and watch art performances, but I don't have the time. Sucks. You know what, that's just an excuse, the truth is? I'm just lazy. Holy cow.
Fine, I will at least look at the textbook and see what I can do. But for today, I need to go to the library to return books, out of 4 books that I borrowed, I only managed to finish ONE book, and I only read a few chapters from the rest of them. I have a feeling they're overdue so I need to get going. Would be good if I can go visit the bank as well. As you know, I just got paid over a week ago (yeay! I love getting paid!) and haven't had time to cash in the cheque yet, which is both good and bad. At least when it's not in my account yet, I can't spend it all and wonder "where's all my money gone?" I'm really bad in money management, and if you noticed, obviously in time management as well.
But, I'm in dire itch to eat mushroom. Figure! So I'm thinking of some grocery shopping. Would be nice to surprise my sister and actually cook for our dinner, mind you, I can be an excellent cook! I swear! Seriously! I am!
Wednesday, 9 April 2008
Anyway! I had a great weekend, and he was here!
Some other pictures from some weekends ago when I went out for dinner with F. It was his idea that we went to the railway station cos he wanted to introduce me to 'tulang'. I mean, I always welcomed new food ideas so there we went! It started out bad cos we took this almost 2-hours-bus ride to the place, and there was this obnoxious guy who played house music, (the crazy frog kind, complete with the animated voice) SO LOUDY FROM HIS PHONE! Like, for fuck's sake, don't you have headphone? Or do you think people would actually be impressed by your wonderful sense of music?!
I got mad just thinking about it. Seriously, I can't believe those people exist.
So! The dinner!
Look at the size of that meat!:) Gluttonous Tina is one happy girl! It's actually a perkedel, which is made from potato and minced meat....yum!
The open space eating-place. You actually feel like you're in Malaysia or something, just the people and the ambience is different. Quite cool.
He looked like a goodie-goodie, but he's a camera whore as well, which works fine for me, really. Ha!
It's kinda late now so I'll post more tomorrow. I really need to start studying from the look of it, since my exam is in two days time. Sigh, when will I ever change? Don't answer that, please.
Tuesday, 8 April 2008
It took her some time to really absorp and grasp the whole circumstances in a too sudden decision and uncompromising evil reality. Before she even had time to blink,it seems the world has passed her by, forcing her to act..fast. There was nothing else to do,really, but to follow. It has been a while since she had to face such challenge, yet in the back of her mind, she knew exactly that it was always there, like a bomb which was ready to explode at any minute.
She stood and looked at the bleakness and fear ahead, at the same time, convinced herself that everything's gonna be okay. It has to. Although it wasn't somethhing she wanted to do, she must. Going to that place IS the right thing to do. She remembered the time when she was too selfish to even think about somebody else, and she remembered how much regret she felt afterwards, and how many times she wanted to kick herself in the head. For once, she wanted to do something right. She wanted to be able to live with herself. It's time to kick back her own self-centeredness. And what's more important is that she wasn't ready to lose and watch what she loved dearly slowly fade away.
Everything felt so different there. It seems that she has just entered a new world, where her usual life she built gradually ceased by every day. It's like...she was plugged out from her socket and placed somewhere totally different. There, everything seems to move in a much slower rate. People were smiling, greeting friendly as she walked by. Time felt longer,somehow, as she left her habit of waking up late in the afternoon. Sun was shining brightly and yet, she couldn't sweat. The dryness was overwhelming, the wind was strong and cold, and the trees she was so used to see were replaced by sand,rocks, and dessert. It took her a full bus ride just to go to the nearest market. The prices were unbeliaveably high, so she had to settle with homemade cooking. In fact, she cooked! Something she did so rarely back at home. Everyday felt the same, to the point that everything almost seemed like a ritual. Yet, surprisingly, she kinda enjoyed being there. Because she got to be with the people she called her own.
Now she is back, and there is still, a sense of unfinished business. She has to go there again. Just not now, because her own life caught up with her. Whether she wants it or not, she here has a responsibility to do. Work, school. So she's back for now, to at least, fulfil her duties and make amends with higher people she left suddenly without giving much explanation.
She really doesn't want to think much. If she had to postpone her responsibilies once more, then maybe that's what she needs to do. Because you know what, she can afford to lose her job, or her one-time school grade. That, she can deal. But she's not quite ready to give this up yet. Yes, even if this thing is at an unbeliaveably high price spending dessert where she has to struggle everyday to come up with something to cook. Even that.
Was rummaging through old archieves and found this. I can't help cursing at myself. The feelings are still so vivid, to think about what happened,..just completely surreal. Even now I can't quite get over it yet.
But I'm never supposed to get over it, right?
I'm sorry I can't be much of a help, I'm sorry I seem hopeless and totally not in control of my own life. You always tell me to stand up for myself, but this is me, standing up okay. I'm not like you and I hope that's okay.
You don't know how bad I feel everytime you come around. I feel bad not because you're here, obviously, but because you're doing everything. I can simply watch, not because I don't want to do anything, but because I can't. This, you have to understand. But maybe I should start giving you more credit, because maybe I haven't been treating you with enough respect that you're a man, and that you make your decision on your own.
I've been feeling guilty before you, but I realized that I shouldn't have.
I'll let you do and choose whatever you want to, and I mean it in every sense of the word. There will always be expectation for I just can't help it, but I promise I'll try being more understanding. But I want the same from you.
I'm really happy now, and I know it has a lot to do with you. I'm bubbling with excitement and I can't contain it. But I'm still learning too, you know, to get to know more of you and you of me. We probably will argue and get frustrated with each other but I hope that will only bring us closer. As for now, things are great; sometimes a little bit harder than others, but at least this is what we both want.
Just bear with me, okay?