Thursday 12 July 2007

I'm Alright

I feel somewhat, calmer these days. Happier, even. More contented, even though I hardly party and go out til 4 o'clock in the morning anymore. Sure I miss that, sure I would jump into a yes mode soon enough, but for now, I have to say, I'm rather excited about having some quality time for myself.

Today, for example. I initally had a dinner plan with a friend whom I haven't seen in a while. It has something to do with the fact that he has his own business to mind, and so do I. There hasn't been a chance to rekindle with our beginningly-awkward-but-surprisingly-okay-now-status. And I guess we haven't been close enough friends to squeeze in just a little time between our, (or rather, his) hectic schedule, we just didn't really bother for that extra push to make time for each other. Good thing about it, we're both okay with that. We talk and text ocassionaly, catch up on messages and mails, we sort of know about major things that are happening in each others' lifes, although the details were spared. It's one of that friendship that we struggled to keep, but slowly beginning to wave off, and we need this, at least this dinner, just to make everything seem better. To make us look more like friends, rather than just ocassional acquaintances.

But this morning, he said he had to cancel it. Followed by standard i'm-sorry-I-will-make-it-up-to-you-I-will-get-you-a-present-next-time-we-meet-procedure, as if bringing me a present will make me feel like a prettier woman, or a better friend. And he mentioned too, about how nice it is, just knowing that I'm his friend. That sort of nice things you will only say to someone when you know that you've done something wrong.

Typical.

The thing is, I was surprised to find out, that I didn't really feel dissapointed.

POP Quiz! I wonder, what does that say about me?????

That's the serious-as-serious-as-CNA-news-headline-quiz question.

I didn't wanna point out that his excuse was totally lame, I mean, if I didn't know better, I would think that he was just trying to stand me up. After all, he was the one suggesting to meet today. But no. I genuinely hope things are okay with him. And I think that he must have a reason why he couldn't make the plan.

And I'm still happy. I think the first reason was, knowing that Mom is already back home now. That fact only, has lifted my mood for about 8 levels. Being stood up by a friend definitely won't be able to bring me down. Heck, I'm telling you, even if I have to stay, and get rotten at home for 5 consecutive days, I will still come out with a huge grin on my face afterwards. Maybe even with a purer mind. Yes, maybe I would have used all those times to meditate or something. Or learn how to cook. That's hardly the point, is it? What I'm saying is, I really am feeling calmer.

Like today. I spent hours in the library, just enjoying the serenity and the smell of old and fresh books, sitting and reading. Alone. Can you believe that? And I didn't just go there because I needed to get out of the house, but I wanted to. 'Tell ya, library does that to you.

I am fully aware, that this won't really last long. Soon enough, things will start happening again. Mind you, my life isn't that exciting, but it isn't so dull either. My point is, that life goes on, doesn't it? I won't be able to feel like this forever. Afterall, what's life without all that jazz?

But I guess, now I will just savour it, knowing that for a while, for this period of time, everything is alright. And that I can truly feel contented and safe.

P.S: Somehow, now that I read this post again, I wonder what does the complicated explanation and rambling about the status of friendship between my friend and I have anything to do with the fact that I am feeling happy these days? Why, because if I wasn't feeling so calm, I would have, yelled at his face(or rather, to his phone number), and dreamt about the numerous painful slow ways to torture him for cancelling our plan? Choked his neck and left a permanent scar, maybe?

Nah. I'm not a violent person, am I? 'course not!

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