Welcome!: The past is still a part of you

Wednesday, 25 June 2008

The past is still a part of you

Good day, all! I would like to start this entry by posting a nice picture that has been rotten in the corner of my old space on MSN. I love this picture, though, we looked so free and spontaneous (well, hardly, considering we had to count one, two, three, jump! to get the perfect shot) but..oh geez, I love it, leave it at that!

In the spirit of old picture, then, let's make this entry about that.

Three years ago, when I first came to Singapore, my sister and I stayed in a three-bedroom HDB flat in Clementi. It was different, to finally live on my own without the luxury of maids. We shared the flat with two of my sister's friends, S and J, both Malaysians. I can't recall much about them, they were busy people and the only time we really got together was this one night we all played mahjong until morning.

After series of 'skimping so we slept without air-con every night', 'the laundry's pole falling down', and 'the bathroom's door that got stuck everytime', we moved out after one year and ended up....here. You know, they say every kid's first car was always awful, and that way parents taught them to work hard and appreciate better things next time? Yep, it's something like that. Now that I'm in Mayfair,...well, hello!!

Time sure flies, and now another two years have passed. Things changed, new friendships are found. Even an old friend said I looked really different now.

But of course change is bound to happen, right? We move on, we go through phrases.

Like, I hardly see Irene, my best friend for two years, and we're still in the same island! We still talk and we make time to see each other occasionally, but it's just different, you know. Having said that, who knows about the future?

Sis and I were talking one day, and suddenly she said, "Sis, you know, things might be really different some few years down the road..We probably won't even live here anymore."

"Yeah..All's possible..You will be a successful consultant, travelling around, and the only time you will have time for you dearest little sister is between flights!" I joked back.

"Who knows? I might be in some hotel room somewhere and I'll see you on TV...I don't know..Being a presenter or news anchor, or something..."

Right. What's holding us back, right? The prospect is scary and thrilling at the same time.

But it got me thinking. Sis, I know we had our share of differences, we had our moments of frustration towards each other. But no matter how greasy my face looked some years ago, and no matter where we lived in the past, you're there. I didn't mean to write this post about you, but somehow throughout writing it, I remembered our conversation, and okay, you may be right, we might not be in near proximity to each other anymore, and there's a part of me who wants to see how it feels like for I know we're both determined to do something more than just...leading a working life.

I don't know about that yet, but our lives will always be intertwined, and I'd like to think that it's more than just because we're sisters. I hope despite our differences, we are still good friends above everything else.

GOSH! Can you believe how funny we looked back then?!

2 comments:

Anonymous said...: GYAAAAAHHHH..!!! WHY IN ANYONE'S SANE, HEALTHY MIND WOULD YOU POST THOSE PICTURES?!?!?! If nothing makes me doubt the longlastingness of our unique relationship, THIS WILL!!!

The second sentence was a joke, of course, but SERIOUSLY SIS, I LOOKED WASTED IN THE SECOND PIC!!!; 4 July 2008 at 15:36
Anonymous said...: You totally missed the point there sis! In case you didn't notice, my face looked as greasy and oily as frying pan (right after you put oil on it), you could milk it out off me!

Despite all that, (until our fabulous state now) we're still together hahaha!; 4 July 2008 at 18:32

Quotes

There's a hundred million different ways of writing, and it takes you a long time to sort through that stuff. And I think it takes anyone a long time to find a voice.

You must learn to take the good with the bad, the happy with the sad, love what you’ve got and remember what you had. Learn to forgive, but never forget, learn from your mistakes but never regret. People change and things go wrong, but you just have to remember that life goes on.

The day before I’m supposed to be meeting Caroline for a drink, I develop all the textbook symptoms of a crush: nervous stomach, long periods spent daydreaming, an inability to remember what she looks like. I can bring back the dress and the boots, and I can see her bangs, but her face is a blank.

I don't know, I think that if I could just accept the fact that my life is supposed to be difficult. You know, that's what to be expected, then I might not get so pissed-off about it and I'll just be glad when something nice happens.

I can see now I never really committed to Laura. I always had one foot out the door, and that prevented me from doing a lot of things, like thinking about my future and... I guess it made more sense to commit to nothing, keep my options open. And that's suicide. By tiny, tiny increments.

There's a big fucking world out there. It's messy, and it's chaotic, and it's never, never ever the thing you'd expect. It is ok to be scared, but you cannot allow your fears to turn you into an asshole, not when it comes to the people that love you, the people that need you.

Maybe what I'm saying is, is the world might be evolving the way a person evolves. Right? Like, I mean, me for example. Am I getting worse? Am I improving? I don't know. When I was younger, I was healthier, but I was, uh, whacked with insecurity, you know? Now I'm older and my problems are deeper, but I'm more equipped to handle them.

I am nothing special; just a common man with common thoughts, and I've led a common life. There are no monuments dedicated to me and my name will soon be forgotten. But in one respect I have succeeded as gloriously as anyone who's ever lived: I've loved another with all my heart and soul; and to me, this has always been enough.

Later that day I got to thinking about relationships. There are those that open you up to something new and exotic, those that are old and familiar, those that bring up lots of questions, those that bring you somewhere unexpected, those that bring you far from where you started, and those that bring you back. But the most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you can find someone to love the you you love, well, that's just fabulous.

A woman needs to be held, even, and science has shown this, if its with someone she doesn't care about. Protective hormones are released, and the amount of hormones released depends on the degree to which she is held. The first and best is the complete surround. He wraps you in both arms, whispers how beautiful you are. Second best is the 'arm around.' He is next to you but with one arm around you. Third is he's just next to you on his elbow, but he rests his hand on your stomach and looks at you. Fourth is you snuggling up to him with your head on his chest, while he looks away into space. But when the first best happens, you feel completely, wonderfully like a woman.

So, so what, so fuck off, go home, leave you alone? I'll tell you something Paul, there isn't anything that I've wanted for eighteen years, cause I was a kid eighteen years ago. And if I did still want the same things I'd think I'd gone wrong somewhere, because actually I don't want to marry David Cassidy, I don't want bigger tits, I don't want to do better on my marks. I've stopped worrying about that kind of thing and maybe you should try.

Well maybe there's a big bit of you that's gone missing somewhere, maybe everyone should want something they've always wanted.

Why is it that adults aren't supposed to go mad about anything? You gotta keep a lid on it. And if you don't then people are apparently entitled to say what they like. "You haven't grown up. You're a moron. Your conversation is trivial and boorish. You can't express your emotional needs. You can't relate to your children." And you die, lonely and miserable. But you know, what the hell, every cloud has a silver lining.

I just woke up one morning and didn't feel the same way. Where did it go? It was like there had been a lot of food on a plate in front of us, and we ate it all really quickly, and then there was nothing left. Maybe that's how couples stay together: they're not greedy. They know that what they have in front of them has to last a long time, so they kind of pick at it. I hope it's not like that, though. I hope that when people are happy together, it feels as though someone keeps piling seconds and thirds on their plates.

That is what I have learned: Sex is destructive. Love is nothing to be fooled with. I learned that I was dangerous, not to be trusted. I wondered if my parents were right, with all of their stiff lovelessness. Maybe they knew better. My parents don't dole out love for the deserving or the undeserving. I was learning that love could cost me.

You could say all you liked about reason and logic and common sense and imagination, but when the chips were down, the one skill you needed was the ability to think about absolutely nothing whatsoever.

There is a comfort in never making an effort, but it's a lonely comfort. What keeps you going is the knowledge that you're only playing with only four cards showing. But when you see other people succeeding with their mediocre hands, you have to make a decision. If you turn over that final card you're certain of victory, but it also means you have nothing in reserve.

I’d gone through life believing in the strength and competence of others; never in my own. Now, dazzled, I discovered that my capacities were real. It was like finding a fortune in the lining of an old coat.

Maybe we all live life at too high a pitch, those of us who absorb emotional things all day, and as mere consequence we can never feel merely content: we have to be unhappy, or ecstatically, head-over-heels happy, and those states are difficult to achieve within a stable, solid relationship.