Welcome!: Rambling with the capital R

Thursday 5 June 2008

Rambling with the capital R

I guess it's right when people say that you complain and whine when things go bad, but you always forget to count the ways of the things you can be grateful about. You don't emphasize it too much, 'cos it's just easier to bitch and convey frustration (in this sense, in writing), rather than boast happiness because you wanna bask in it as much as you can (giggling, daydreaming, etc), but when you're pissed, well, you just kinda wanna let it all out, tell your friends immediately so they can bitch together with you and thus, make you feel all better. I don't know, I'm rambling, aren't I?

I guess what I'm saying is, I've had a wonderful time these past few weeks, it's like, everything just seemed to fall in place, and I feel lucky most of the time having my friends and family and him around. And babe's right, I can't imagine being with someone else now, he complements me, understands and truly cares about me for who I am with all my childlike qualities. But I guess, I don't make a post listing why I feel so blessed, do I? On the other hand, I spared no time bitching about things that go wrong in my everyday's life. But despite having said that, now I'm about to complain once again. For fuck's sake, I am an ungrateful bastard.

I haven't been feeling truly like myself this week, particularly since this Monday. Interestingly enough, Eric left on Sunday, could that be it? I'm just feeling down cos he's not here? But to be fair, it's not like it's the first time he left. It has been a few months, I should have been used to it already, and besides, I still have my friends as usual. What's different this time, I have no idea. It might not even be because of him, subconsciously probably I'm just nervous about school. This subject really is worrying me, not only because I have two assignments that I'm struggling with, (I just started doing one and even the progress in that is painfully slow, and don't get me started on the second one yet), and not to mention the exam which falls on the same day. For the first time I'm really kinda scared, so there's a huge chance this school thing is the thing weighing me down. Whatever it is, I don't like feeling like this. Most of the time, even when I'm out with friends, I feel unenergized like all I wanna do is just being safely home. I don't talk as much and I get annoyed easily. Quite depressing, isn't it?

Probably it's nothing. I mean, people get bad mood once in a while without any reasons, right? They are bound to feel down once every blue moon and it doesn't mean they are depressed. I guess I just wanna apologise, to my sister, to Eric, to babe for being an ass lately. If only I can explain why. Yeah, and I wish I could say more, but really I don't know, let's just safely assume that I'm having PMS, okay. No, just think that I'm stressing over school. I need cheering up! Serious cheering up! Yesterday I went clubbing and even that couldn't really transform me into my original self, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME? Am I not fun anymore?!

People, bear with me, please.

Something is wrong with you when you consider pillow as your best friend and you sleep 12 hours everyday. For the past few days I've been trying to work on the assignment but so far it's being going even more hopelessly. 2 days and only 4 pages done, already double spacing somemore!

Eric has been really nice about my whole PMS episode, though, he gives in when I'm being difficult,...but not all the time. I mean, he has his bad days too, and just like tonight, when he's having bad mood, and I'm having bad mood as well, you can just pray that there won't be domestic war number 4 anytime soon. He doesn't take crap and he's not afraid to let people know that. Sometimes I'm the victim of his verbal abuse, but to be fair, more than half the times he has been my victim as well, so well, you can imagine. Although, there are times when we're both being stubborn and it takes time to cool both of us down and then we can start talking like civilized human beings again. Talking to me when I'm still freshly pissed is not a good idea. Anyway, it's one of those bad days for both of us so....

Four days and counting, and I don't like it. I want my old self! I wanna mutter lame jokes and be shameless again! This whole depression thing is starting to really depress me! I'm totally rambling and I'm fully aware of that...

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Quotes

There's a hundred million different ways of writing, and it takes you a long time to sort through that stuff. And I think it takes anyone a long time to find a voice.

You must learn to take the good with the bad, the happy with the sad, love what you’ve got and remember what you had. Learn to forgive, but never forget, learn from your mistakes but never regret. People change and things go wrong, but you just have to remember that life goes on.

The day before I’m supposed to be meeting Caroline for a drink, I develop all the textbook symptoms of a crush: nervous stomach, long periods spent daydreaming, an inability to remember what she looks like. I can bring back the dress and the boots, and I can see her bangs, but her face is a blank.

I don't know, I think that if I could just accept the fact that my life is supposed to be difficult. You know, that's what to be expected, then I might not get so pissed-off about it and I'll just be glad when something nice happens.

I can see now I never really committed to Laura. I always had one foot out the door, and that prevented me from doing a lot of things, like thinking about my future and... I guess it made more sense to commit to nothing, keep my options open. And that's suicide. By tiny, tiny increments.

There's a big fucking world out there. It's messy, and it's chaotic, and it's never, never ever the thing you'd expect. It is ok to be scared, but you cannot allow your fears to turn you into an asshole, not when it comes to the people that love you, the people that need you.

Maybe what I'm saying is, is the world might be evolving the way a person evolves. Right? Like, I mean, me for example. Am I getting worse? Am I improving? I don't know. When I was younger, I was healthier, but I was, uh, whacked with insecurity, you know? Now I'm older and my problems are deeper, but I'm more equipped to handle them.

I am nothing special; just a common man with common thoughts, and I've led a common life. There are no monuments dedicated to me and my name will soon be forgotten. But in one respect I have succeeded as gloriously as anyone who's ever lived: I've loved another with all my heart and soul; and to me, this has always been enough.

Later that day I got to thinking about relationships. There are those that open you up to something new and exotic, those that are old and familiar, those that bring up lots of questions, those that bring you somewhere unexpected, those that bring you far from where you started, and those that bring you back. But the most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you can find someone to love the you you love, well, that's just fabulous.

A woman needs to be held, even, and science has shown this, if its with someone she doesn't care about. Protective hormones are released, and the amount of hormones released depends on the degree to which she is held. The first and best is the complete surround. He wraps you in both arms, whispers how beautiful you are. Second best is the 'arm around.' He is next to you but with one arm around you. Third is he's just next to you on his elbow, but he rests his hand on your stomach and looks at you. Fourth is you snuggling up to him with your head on his chest, while he looks away into space. But when the first best happens, you feel completely, wonderfully like a woman.

So, so what, so fuck off, go home, leave you alone? I'll tell you something Paul, there isn't anything that I've wanted for eighteen years, cause I was a kid eighteen years ago. And if I did still want the same things I'd think I'd gone wrong somewhere, because actually I don't want to marry David Cassidy, I don't want bigger tits, I don't want to do better on my marks. I've stopped worrying about that kind of thing and maybe you should try.

Well maybe there's a big bit of you that's gone missing somewhere, maybe everyone should want something they've always wanted.

Why is it that adults aren't supposed to go mad about anything? You gotta keep a lid on it. And if you don't then people are apparently entitled to say what they like. "You haven't grown up. You're a moron. Your conversation is trivial and boorish. You can't express your emotional needs. You can't relate to your children." And you die, lonely and miserable. But you know, what the hell, every cloud has a silver lining.

I just woke up one morning and didn't feel the same way. Where did it go? It was like there had been a lot of food on a plate in front of us, and we ate it all really quickly, and then there was nothing left. Maybe that's how couples stay together: they're not greedy. They know that what they have in front of them has to last a long time, so they kind of pick at it. I hope it's not like that, though. I hope that when people are happy together, it feels as though someone keeps piling seconds and thirds on their plates.

That is what I have learned: Sex is destructive. Love is nothing to be fooled with. I learned that I was dangerous, not to be trusted. I wondered if my parents were right, with all of their stiff lovelessness. Maybe they knew better. My parents don't dole out love for the deserving or the undeserving. I was learning that love could cost me.

You could say all you liked about reason and logic and common sense and imagination, but when the chips were down, the one skill you needed was the ability to think about absolutely nothing whatsoever.

There is a comfort in never making an effort, but it's a lonely comfort. What keeps you going is the knowledge that you're only playing with only four cards showing. But when you see other people succeeding with their mediocre hands, you have to make a decision. If you turn over that final card you're certain of victory, but it also means you have nothing in reserve.

I’d gone through life believing in the strength and competence of others; never in my own. Now, dazzled, I discovered that my capacities were real. It was like finding a fortune in the lining of an old coat.

Maybe we all live life at too high a pitch, those of us who absorb emotional things all day, and as mere consequence we can never feel merely content: we have to be unhappy, or ecstatically, head-over-heels happy, and those states are difficult to achieve within a stable, solid relationship.