Welcome!: Breakaway eventually

Monday, 9 June 2008

Breakaway eventually

These past few days I've been working my ass off on my assignment ('working my ass off' doesn't necessarily mean 'studying non-stop', but rather 'sitting on my ass and half the time getting distracted by facebook, multiply and writing stupid insignificant blog') and I'm roughly done with one assignment and currently doing the second one now. But, I don't wanna get into too much details on that, although otherwise I have nothing much to talk about since that's all I've been doing lately.

Actually something brought me to a realization today: that I hate a person sticking his nose in other people's business. Unfortunately, I'm surrounded by the kinds like it, and there's no way I could get rid of it, it's just right there, making me sick. I wish I could just detach myself and never have to deal with it again.

It just makes me feel even more grateful for him, just for being on my side. My former teammate is no longer here, and it sucks big time giving ex-partner up to an asshole, but I don't feel truly alone because of him and he stands by me everytime. It's a nice feeling, you know?

I've always been sheltered and maybe the reason why I'm not mature enough yet is because I haven't had the chance to. But it's my own fault to begin with because I don't give people enough reason to trust me, perhaps, and god knows I've made mistakes. At the same time, when will I ever change, right? If you ask me some years ago, I would probably still tell you that I wouldn't have minded living here, just content and completely okay being inside the box, inside my own comfort zone and never truly be independent in true sense of the word.

Somewhere along the line I changed my vision. Perhaps I've mentioned it a few entries back. I feel like venturing out. I wanna live somewhere else, see new things and do other things. I wanna be able to stand up for myself and prove everyone wrong. It's not that I wanna get away from these people, that's beside the point, but it would be interesting to try being on my own and, gosh, it would be such a cliche if I say, 'finding myself', right? I don't know, for once, the idea doesn't seem impossible, I feel like I can if only I want to. And why can't I?

I know we don't live for ourselves, but maybe sometimes there are things you just gotta do for yourself.

Again, I'm talking in jumbled topics. I better sleep now, tutorial's on tomorrow morning and potluck for dinner with the girls and I'm making soup! *looking impressed*.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...: If I'm off here, just wave me away as being sleepy and overworked. Your call.

First of all, sticking noses in other people's business is the job description of family, put roughly. I don't think you can call someone family unless he/she sticks his/her nose into your business. And while you make being surrounded by such sound so awful, think again if you would rather have no one care about your business.

What does being on someone's side mean to you? Agree with the person unconditionally and tell him/her that (s)he is right and smart and wise and beautiful regardless what others think about him/her? That everyone who makes his/her life difficult and challenging, that the people who see more than what (s)he sees in herself are the enemy? How long does it take for anyone to be considered as always being on your side? A few months? A year? A lifetime?

And yeah, there are things you gotta do for yourself. Things like being responsible. Earning your living. Overcoming an addiction. Maybe there are other things you could think of. I just hope when you're done with your list, when you're done combing foreign cities and surrounding yourself with strangers who you easily believe are your true friends, strangers who fascinate you with their novelty charm and exotic habits, you still have something or someone familiar to fall back on. Because it gets tiring, that adventure.

And contrary to what you think, people grow mature all around the world without people-defying acts. You can learn to be a father or a mother at the right time, by choice, and you don't have to be caught in an unexpected pregnancy. I guess what I'm saying is, saying you won't change now because you don't have to, because the life you have now doesn't change, that's silly. Some people learn by making mistakes, but making mistakes you don't have to make to learn is just... that. Silly.; 10 June 2008 at 15:56

Quotes

There's a hundred million different ways of writing, and it takes you a long time to sort through that stuff. And I think it takes anyone a long time to find a voice.

You must learn to take the good with the bad, the happy with the sad, love what you’ve got and remember what you had. Learn to forgive, but never forget, learn from your mistakes but never regret. People change and things go wrong, but you just have to remember that life goes on.

The day before I’m supposed to be meeting Caroline for a drink, I develop all the textbook symptoms of a crush: nervous stomach, long periods spent daydreaming, an inability to remember what she looks like. I can bring back the dress and the boots, and I can see her bangs, but her face is a blank.

I don't know, I think that if I could just accept the fact that my life is supposed to be difficult. You know, that's what to be expected, then I might not get so pissed-off about it and I'll just be glad when something nice happens.

I can see now I never really committed to Laura. I always had one foot out the door, and that prevented me from doing a lot of things, like thinking about my future and... I guess it made more sense to commit to nothing, keep my options open. And that's suicide. By tiny, tiny increments.

There's a big fucking world out there. It's messy, and it's chaotic, and it's never, never ever the thing you'd expect. It is ok to be scared, but you cannot allow your fears to turn you into an asshole, not when it comes to the people that love you, the people that need you.

Maybe what I'm saying is, is the world might be evolving the way a person evolves. Right? Like, I mean, me for example. Am I getting worse? Am I improving? I don't know. When I was younger, I was healthier, but I was, uh, whacked with insecurity, you know? Now I'm older and my problems are deeper, but I'm more equipped to handle them.

I am nothing special; just a common man with common thoughts, and I've led a common life. There are no monuments dedicated to me and my name will soon be forgotten. But in one respect I have succeeded as gloriously as anyone who's ever lived: I've loved another with all my heart and soul; and to me, this has always been enough.

Later that day I got to thinking about relationships. There are those that open you up to something new and exotic, those that are old and familiar, those that bring up lots of questions, those that bring you somewhere unexpected, those that bring you far from where you started, and those that bring you back. But the most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you can find someone to love the you you love, well, that's just fabulous.

A woman needs to be held, even, and science has shown this, if its with someone she doesn't care about. Protective hormones are released, and the amount of hormones released depends on the degree to which she is held. The first and best is the complete surround. He wraps you in both arms, whispers how beautiful you are. Second best is the 'arm around.' He is next to you but with one arm around you. Third is he's just next to you on his elbow, but he rests his hand on your stomach and looks at you. Fourth is you snuggling up to him with your head on his chest, while he looks away into space. But when the first best happens, you feel completely, wonderfully like a woman.

So, so what, so fuck off, go home, leave you alone? I'll tell you something Paul, there isn't anything that I've wanted for eighteen years, cause I was a kid eighteen years ago. And if I did still want the same things I'd think I'd gone wrong somewhere, because actually I don't want to marry David Cassidy, I don't want bigger tits, I don't want to do better on my marks. I've stopped worrying about that kind of thing and maybe you should try.

Well maybe there's a big bit of you that's gone missing somewhere, maybe everyone should want something they've always wanted.

Why is it that adults aren't supposed to go mad about anything? You gotta keep a lid on it. And if you don't then people are apparently entitled to say what they like. "You haven't grown up. You're a moron. Your conversation is trivial and boorish. You can't express your emotional needs. You can't relate to your children." And you die, lonely and miserable. But you know, what the hell, every cloud has a silver lining.

I just woke up one morning and didn't feel the same way. Where did it go? It was like there had been a lot of food on a plate in front of us, and we ate it all really quickly, and then there was nothing left. Maybe that's how couples stay together: they're not greedy. They know that what they have in front of them has to last a long time, so they kind of pick at it. I hope it's not like that, though. I hope that when people are happy together, it feels as though someone keeps piling seconds and thirds on their plates.

That is what I have learned: Sex is destructive. Love is nothing to be fooled with. I learned that I was dangerous, not to be trusted. I wondered if my parents were right, with all of their stiff lovelessness. Maybe they knew better. My parents don't dole out love for the deserving or the undeserving. I was learning that love could cost me.

You could say all you liked about reason and logic and common sense and imagination, but when the chips were down, the one skill you needed was the ability to think about absolutely nothing whatsoever.

There is a comfort in never making an effort, but it's a lonely comfort. What keeps you going is the knowledge that you're only playing with only four cards showing. But when you see other people succeeding with their mediocre hands, you have to make a decision. If you turn over that final card you're certain of victory, but it also means you have nothing in reserve.

I’d gone through life believing in the strength and competence of others; never in my own. Now, dazzled, I discovered that my capacities were real. It was like finding a fortune in the lining of an old coat.

Maybe we all live life at too high a pitch, those of us who absorb emotional things all day, and as mere consequence we can never feel merely content: we have to be unhappy, or ecstatically, head-over-heels happy, and those states are difficult to achieve within a stable, solid relationship.