Welcome!: A Year's Reflection

Friday 21 December 2007

A Year's Reflection

Every year, at least these past three to four years that I started writing in this blog regularly and seriously, I always write some sort of reflection and resolution every time my birthday is drawing near. It probably holds no purpose to you but it does to me. It becomes a habit and a-given to somehow, summarize another year that has passed and although a number is just a number and I don’t necessarily give too much emphasis on age anyway, but I think the gesture is just appropriate.

This year has been so surreal. I experienced things I never thought I would, but time still moves on, and now one more year is being added to my unimpressive life resume and so I need this. I need to write something – anything to channel all these thoughts.

This day exactly last year I thought I’d seen everything, but I realized now that it was nothing. Yet, despite all that, I still felt like I haven’t done quite enough last years and I guess there are always bound to be some regrets or things you wished you haven’t done, no matter how fortunate and lucky your life has been. If I wasn’t even satisfied with myself last year when things were a lot better, then how could I be now?

Life has definitely been surreal for me; anything but fortunate. Every time I turn around, there just seemed to be yet another surprise being thrown at my direction and I can tell you for certain that I don’t like most of them. But what happened, happened. People who saw me emerge from this grief, this vindictive and cruel reality said that I am strong, that even though it has been very difficult, I still could move on and they admired me for that. They said I’m mature. I don’t mean to shrug off or dismiss their opinions, because hey, if there are any persons who think I’m strong and mature, then let them be. But no. What everyone saw was a person who was forced to deal, and that to me wasn’t maturity at all.

The real person who has emerged from this whole ordeal was someone who has completely lost faith; someone who doesn’t give a crap anymore about wishing; and someone who thinks that people are just supposed to deal and accept everything that happened because we have no other choice. I felt cheated by everything I used to believe in and I was anti-social for the longest time. What you get is a really pessimistic and bitter person. It didn’t seem like me, but it must have been me.

I spent more than half this year with my parents. I tried to be there for this family although sometimes it seemed really difficult, and if there is one thing I regret the most about myself, is this. Nobody has ever had any idea at how much I wish that I could turn back time.

When I was in Perth to take care of my mom, I was so frustrated and tired. I was complaining constantly about how much time I have spent there and about how many classes I had to miss because of it. After a month there, I practically couldn’t take all the boredom and loneliness anymore, so dad let me go home.

I’ve never admitted this to anyone else other than those closest to me because I’m so embarrassed of myself. And I feel like letting everyone know now, because I must be the most selfish person in this whole world. I want everybody to see that I can’t be further from mature, and if I am anything, it’s pure selfishness. I was an ungrateful child who only thinks about herself, and it’s eating me up because the amount of disappointment and pain I’ve caused my parents must be unimaginable, especially for my mom who was sick and obviously needed me there. Right after I got back, I felt so regretful, but there was no use, right? It was just an excuse – to justify the awful thing I have done to make me feel as if I was still capable of actually feeling, but the truth was, I must have been just a heartless robot.

There was nothing that could validate my actions, and it’s something I will have to live with. And in a way, I’m writing this not because I want sympathy or resentment, but just because this is the truth. There is no such thing as universal remote control where you can simply press rewind and change the past whenever you like, and now the guilt stays with me probably forever. I hope nobody else will ever learn this lesson the hard way when things simply are just too late.

During the hardest time, I learned about myself a lot more than I could ever imagine. I learnt that I tend to step away and hide when I’m feeling depressed. I learnt that I am not as extrovert and positive as everybody might think. I learnt that I fear loneliness more than anything. I learnt that I constantly need someone for myself, and that without it, something seems to be missing and I can’t be happy.

But, despite it all, there were some things I could still be grateful about. I am now closer to my family. I’ve spent more than three months home and it’s comforting to know that here you don’t have to worry about a thing because we take care of each others. No matter how bad you behaved, they are the ones that would always forgive. I spent more time with my dad and sisters; we went through all together, ups and downs. Now, I try to be more considerate and responsible, I feel the need to take care of my dad and little sister, I learn to be more understanding, less-selfish, independent and a mediator whenever troubles arise at home, I make more time to talk and ask my dad out, and so we come together in a way that we never did before. And I make a promise to myself that I will be good, I will make him proud because all this time I haven’t been able to do anything significant.

I appreciate my friends more too, because throughout this period, even though they weren’t nearby, even though sometimes I simply shut down and it just didn’t look as if I was making enough effort to keep in touch, they didn’t give up. In the end, their supports mattered to me more than I was willing to admit but they did.

All in all, it has been such an overwhelming year, but I learned my mistakes. As a person, I was a failure and I’m more than happy to let this day go by without any celebrations, because really, there isn’t anything worth celebrating. I will be glad when this day is over. I just want to look forward to next year because things just can’t get any worse, right?

I hope, if anything, everything that has happened would teach me how to be better, how to be all that I wasn’t, changed all that I lacked, all that I regretted, all that I couldn’t do.

I’ve always thought that I was someone full of optimism and it surprised me how much my view has changed towards some things. It’s not that I regret it, I guess now I’m much more realistic. Just like Ethan Hawke said, “life's hard. It's supposed to be. If we didn't suffer, we'd never learn anything.”

I had many ambitions but I did nothing to materialize them yet. I wanted to write more, I wanted to learn Chinese, I wanted to draw more, I wanted to read more, but there just seemed to be no right time and instead I ended up not doing anything. These last months that I’ve been at home, I feel like I’m hibernating. I’m falling back into a comfortable routine where my laundry is magically clean again, food appears on the table at any time of the day, bed made up, and driver ready at a fingertip, but now I’m just simply restless to change, to make the most of my time and to make them proud. There’s finally a reason, a purpose to look forward to in the upcoming year.

Every year, I always said that I wanted to be better, that somehow a birthday marks an importance to change and grow, and I know it shouldn’t work that way because we have to constantly strive to be better and the time isn’t supposed to be limited to a year-period only, but sometimes we need a little push to find the reason to evaluate, to look back at everything you’ve accomplished and mistakes you’ve made. After all, it is your day out of the whole year.

Another year probably can’t do much to this world. I don’t intend to inspire people or make a difference to the humankind. But I just want to keep being myself, the myself who has gone though a lot, the myself who has learned from her mistakes, the myself who still treasures the importance of family and friends, now more than ever, and the myself who has simply known better.

Somewhere along the way, I am now twenty one. And I hope that is not a bad thing.

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Quotes

There's a hundred million different ways of writing, and it takes you a long time to sort through that stuff. And I think it takes anyone a long time to find a voice.

You must learn to take the good with the bad, the happy with the sad, love what you’ve got and remember what you had. Learn to forgive, but never forget, learn from your mistakes but never regret. People change and things go wrong, but you just have to remember that life goes on.

The day before I’m supposed to be meeting Caroline for a drink, I develop all the textbook symptoms of a crush: nervous stomach, long periods spent daydreaming, an inability to remember what she looks like. I can bring back the dress and the boots, and I can see her bangs, but her face is a blank.

I don't know, I think that if I could just accept the fact that my life is supposed to be difficult. You know, that's what to be expected, then I might not get so pissed-off about it and I'll just be glad when something nice happens.

I can see now I never really committed to Laura. I always had one foot out the door, and that prevented me from doing a lot of things, like thinking about my future and... I guess it made more sense to commit to nothing, keep my options open. And that's suicide. By tiny, tiny increments.

There's a big fucking world out there. It's messy, and it's chaotic, and it's never, never ever the thing you'd expect. It is ok to be scared, but you cannot allow your fears to turn you into an asshole, not when it comes to the people that love you, the people that need you.

Maybe what I'm saying is, is the world might be evolving the way a person evolves. Right? Like, I mean, me for example. Am I getting worse? Am I improving? I don't know. When I was younger, I was healthier, but I was, uh, whacked with insecurity, you know? Now I'm older and my problems are deeper, but I'm more equipped to handle them.

I am nothing special; just a common man with common thoughts, and I've led a common life. There are no monuments dedicated to me and my name will soon be forgotten. But in one respect I have succeeded as gloriously as anyone who's ever lived: I've loved another with all my heart and soul; and to me, this has always been enough.

Later that day I got to thinking about relationships. There are those that open you up to something new and exotic, those that are old and familiar, those that bring up lots of questions, those that bring you somewhere unexpected, those that bring you far from where you started, and those that bring you back. But the most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you can find someone to love the you you love, well, that's just fabulous.

A woman needs to be held, even, and science has shown this, if its with someone she doesn't care about. Protective hormones are released, and the amount of hormones released depends on the degree to which she is held. The first and best is the complete surround. He wraps you in both arms, whispers how beautiful you are. Second best is the 'arm around.' He is next to you but with one arm around you. Third is he's just next to you on his elbow, but he rests his hand on your stomach and looks at you. Fourth is you snuggling up to him with your head on his chest, while he looks away into space. But when the first best happens, you feel completely, wonderfully like a woman.

So, so what, so fuck off, go home, leave you alone? I'll tell you something Paul, there isn't anything that I've wanted for eighteen years, cause I was a kid eighteen years ago. And if I did still want the same things I'd think I'd gone wrong somewhere, because actually I don't want to marry David Cassidy, I don't want bigger tits, I don't want to do better on my marks. I've stopped worrying about that kind of thing and maybe you should try.

Well maybe there's a big bit of you that's gone missing somewhere, maybe everyone should want something they've always wanted.

Why is it that adults aren't supposed to go mad about anything? You gotta keep a lid on it. And if you don't then people are apparently entitled to say what they like. "You haven't grown up. You're a moron. Your conversation is trivial and boorish. You can't express your emotional needs. You can't relate to your children." And you die, lonely and miserable. But you know, what the hell, every cloud has a silver lining.

I just woke up one morning and didn't feel the same way. Where did it go? It was like there had been a lot of food on a plate in front of us, and we ate it all really quickly, and then there was nothing left. Maybe that's how couples stay together: they're not greedy. They know that what they have in front of them has to last a long time, so they kind of pick at it. I hope it's not like that, though. I hope that when people are happy together, it feels as though someone keeps piling seconds and thirds on their plates.

That is what I have learned: Sex is destructive. Love is nothing to be fooled with. I learned that I was dangerous, not to be trusted. I wondered if my parents were right, with all of their stiff lovelessness. Maybe they knew better. My parents don't dole out love for the deserving or the undeserving. I was learning that love could cost me.

You could say all you liked about reason and logic and common sense and imagination, but when the chips were down, the one skill you needed was the ability to think about absolutely nothing whatsoever.

There is a comfort in never making an effort, but it's a lonely comfort. What keeps you going is the knowledge that you're only playing with only four cards showing. But when you see other people succeeding with their mediocre hands, you have to make a decision. If you turn over that final card you're certain of victory, but it also means you have nothing in reserve.

I’d gone through life believing in the strength and competence of others; never in my own. Now, dazzled, I discovered that my capacities were real. It was like finding a fortune in the lining of an old coat.

Maybe we all live life at too high a pitch, those of us who absorb emotional things all day, and as mere consequence we can never feel merely content: we have to be unhappy, or ecstatically, head-over-heels happy, and those states are difficult to achieve within a stable, solid relationship.