Maybe.

You know you truly care for someone when you always wanna see him happy, and you're willing to make a fool of yourself and crack a really lame joke just to bring a smile to his face. You know you care for someone when everytime he's down and he feels crappy, somehow you feel less than good too, no matter how gorgeous you look that day. You know, when you look good, you feel good? Yeah, well, it doesn't always work that way, does it?

It's not always good, I'm not always on my best behaviour, sometimes I act precious and difficult, and sometimes I'm being immature and unreasonable. And so is the other party.

You can know just as far as he's willing to let you in, and how do you know how much? I'm not talking about my relationship right now in particular, I'm speaking generally. Of course, there were good times and great times, but there were also shitty times and frustrated times, and after a while, I guess you just had to wonder, is this all worth it? If you end up being sad and angry most of the time, then what's the point in keeping the relationship? If it can't make you a happier person, then what's the use?

It's hard to read between the lines, it's hard to keep yourself in check when you give someone yourself. They say we shouldn't give one hundred percent for a relationship, or that perhaps, that you still have to keep your options open. Once you're in it, though, how could you control your feelings? How could you set a percentage point in yourself when it comes to this? It's not as if you can just switch a lever and pick a number, 'ah, for this one only 50 percent, lah..aiya, for this one okay lah, 70 percent enough la..and 30 percent only la for that one, he snores..' Well, that would just make things a lot easier.

But until the day comes, I guess we just have to trust our gut and hopefully, we're still smart enough not to ignore our logic and common sense.

What I'm trying to say is, well, it isn't easy. Perhaps the perfect relationship is supposed to be effortless, I don't know. Maybe the fact that you still wanna stick around even when he's not perfect means something. But it takes two to tango.

The Happening - in my lousy days and the real movie

I'm losing concentration. For almost the entire week last week I've been working on my assignment and it was doing okay, at least I knew I would get it done in time, and probably I have used all my mental energy and motivation on the subject that I simply don't have any more right now. Since I attended the tutorial last Tuesday, I haven't made any progress, maybe even dare I say it, touched these at all. And what, that was three days ago? I'm wasting time but I really can't be bothered, I'm seriously in deep shit.

There are days when you're just so motivated and feeling up-and-running to go work on something, and there's the complete opposite. Piggy days, that's what I call it. I'm hopeless. I'm a disaster!

In an attempt to seriously change the subject. I saw The Happening last night on midnight and from the second row from the screen! Didn't think midnight shows would be that much popular but apparently it is! Main appeal was of course, M.Night Shyamalan, I'm not into the Mark-Wahlberg kind. No, no, I'm just curious and intrigued by the movie. His movies are always full of twists and I need some twist in my life in the midst of all these political talks.



It was creepy! You would spend the first half of the movie wondering exactly what is happening?! Because the exact second the movie started, oh, it was on! People started killing themselves, falling down from the roof, and I was like, fucking hell! What the hell is going on?! They thought it was terrorist attack in the beginning, but it was clear that terrorists wouldn't be able to make you kill yourself or stop dead right on the spot or lose your ability to talk. So the story evolved around this horrific sudden unexplainable events and eventually you knew what caused all this (but after you see some serious scary killings and shocking moments, of course.) Storywise, I still say the Sixth Sense is much better, and this movie lacks the certain charm of twist the Sixth Sense and The Village provided, even Lady in The Water. But suspense-wise, it won't dissapoint. Chilling, thrilling and you'd be left wondering and not knowing what's going on.

Just a piece of my thought. Move on, nothing important. Ha!

Breakaway eventually

These past few days I've been working my ass off on my assignment ('working my ass off' doesn't necessarily mean 'studying non-stop', but rather 'sitting on my ass and half the time getting distracted by facebook, multiply and writing stupid insignificant blog') and I'm roughly done with one assignment and currently doing the second one now. But, I don't wanna get into too much details on that, although otherwise I have nothing much to talk about since that's all I've been doing lately.

Actually something brought me to a realization today: that I hate a person sticking his nose in other people's business. Unfortunately, I'm surrounded by the kinds like it, and there's no way I could get rid of it, it's just right there, making me sick. I wish I could just detach myself and never have to deal with it again.

It just makes me feel even more grateful for him, just for being on my side. My former teammate is no longer here, and it sucks big time giving ex-partner up to an asshole, but I don't feel truly alone because of him and he stands by me everytime. It's a nice feeling, you know?

I've always been sheltered and maybe the reason why I'm not mature enough yet is because I haven't had the chance to. But it's my own fault to begin with because I don't give people enough reason to trust me, perhaps, and god knows I've made mistakes. At the same time, when will I ever change, right? If you ask me some years ago, I would probably still tell you that I wouldn't have minded living here, just content and completely okay being inside the box, inside my own comfort zone and never truly be independent in true sense of the word.

Somewhere along the line I changed my vision. Perhaps I've mentioned it a few entries back. I feel like venturing out. I wanna live somewhere else, see new things and do other things. I wanna be able to stand up for myself and prove everyone wrong. It's not that I wanna get away from these people, that's beside the point, but it would be interesting to try being on my own and, gosh, it would be such a cliche if I say, 'finding myself', right? I don't know, for once, the idea doesn't seem impossible, I feel like I can if only I want to. And why can't I?

I know we don't live for ourselves, but maybe sometimes there are things you just gotta do for yourself.

Again, I'm talking in jumbled topics. I better sleep now, tutorial's on tomorrow morning and potluck for dinner with the girls and I'm making soup! *looking impressed*.

Bloody Essay, Bloody Friend

I swear it's the most painful six-pages essay I have ever written, and not to mention, the hardest. These past few days you know I've been struggling hard with it, and by the look of it, you might think that I had to write a presidential speech or something just from reading how difficult and painfully slow my progress has been. So yeah, yeah, you can roll your eyeballs now because no, it's not a presidential speech, and no, it's not a hundred pages.

Truth be told? I'm supposed to just write a 6-8 pages essay on 9/11 and american character. I bet you people are laughing now. I could ramble on and on when I was writing my philosophy assignment and reached 27 pages-mark even when the requirement was only 10-15 pages (to be fair, I didn't know that), and I barely made it to six pages now?!

Don't tell me I've lost my writing ability 'cos I would cry, literally. But it's kinda depressing to know. I'm not just the most unpolitical person ever, but apparently also not very versatile because it boils down to apart from writing about myself, I can't write about anything else. (Yes, how self-centered is that?) Personally, I'm not even interested in reading about myself, let alone you. Can you just hand me that apron and spare me the misery of struggling and trying to reach my dream blah blah.

Okay, that is even more depressing. But, well, I intend to finish the essay today, yes people, today! As in, in the next 6 hours (seeing it's already 6.30 pm now..I don't have much time, do I? You know, minus the time for dinner, tv break, blogging time, etc, etc..) Yes, I'm determined! I can do it, I can do it! I've survived the humiliation of grabbing a stranger's hand before, I definitely certainly can handle a 6-8 pages essay on american politics! Of course I can!

On the note that is so totally unrelated to what I've been ranting about in the last five minutes, it's just a picture from last Wednesday night.

I think I deserved a big ol' drink after rotting at home in front of my laptop trying to compose a decent sentence with the word 'iraq' and 'weapon of mass destruction' and 'bush' without sounding way too awkward. Talk about being a fish out of water. I'm the fish. The water's whatever insignificant topics I usually write about. You get the picture.

Anyway, something irritating happened today and let me just give you an update on that. Basically, a friend of mine that I have known for...I don't know, 2 years? I haven't seen him in the longest time and weeks ago I texted him, not knowing anything about the new things in his life, and he replied me saying he had a girlfriend already and that I shouldn't text him again because his girlfriend doesn't like the idea. I was like, HELLO? I was responding to HIS message on friendster?! Besides, what did I say? Did I propose? Did I confess my love? I mean, for goodness' sake. I asked him what's up and his girlfriend went all paranoid as if I was interested to wreck their holy relationship. Please. So I did what everyone else would. I sent one final pissed-off message and decided to erase him from my life, forever. Someone like that is just not worth your friendship.

He texted me a few days ago which I ignored, of course. And this morning he sent another. Feeling rather generous I replied back with the sharpest sarcasm there was in me. Yes, that was me being generous. I still replied, didn't I? And know what's truly upsetting? He sent me another reply telling me his girlfriend was the one sending me a message weeks ago, and that he still wanted to keep in touch with me because...well, this is the best part. Not because he still thought of me as a friend. Wait, not because he realized friendship was more important than relationship. Nope. Guess why?! Guess! I dare you!

Because "my girlfriend and I are having cold war". QUOTED. His words, not mine. COLD WAR?! COLD WAR??!!!! What the hell?! You've been seeing too much documentary film, you think? And that was the reason why you suddenly wanted to BE MY FRIEND again?!

Well, fuck you.

You know what, I can't believe I'm even talking about this. I feel sorry for both of them, maybe they deserve each other afterall. For all I care, I don't even wanna know.

Eric's going to Beijing today, by the way. Lucky bastard. Of course I'm saying it with deepest affection. The guy's playing football over there, he looks harmless and all but he's the most athletic person I know. Football, rugby, hiking, I don't know where he gets all that energy from. If I hike, I would faint, like, seriously. But believe it or not, I've hiked before, not here obviously, but back in Jakarta, my family would go to those tea-walk events with the church, okay, they called it 'tea walk' not 'hiking' but what's the difference, right? Plus if we had an outing with school, we would always hike. But I can honestly say it was fun hiking with the school program because we were doing it in groups and the guys would walk right in the front and in the back to sort of look after the girls as the route could be pretty sloppy and dangerous. Ah, fun times. Those teenage crush and hormones.

Are we still talking about hiking here? Not quite sure.

Rambling with the capital R

I guess it's right when people say that you complain and whine when things go bad, but you always forget to count the ways of the things you can be grateful about. You don't emphasize it too much, 'cos it's just easier to bitch and convey frustration (in this sense, in writing), rather than boast happiness because you wanna bask in it as much as you can (giggling, daydreaming, etc), but when you're pissed, well, you just kinda wanna let it all out, tell your friends immediately so they can bitch together with you and thus, make you feel all better. I don't know, I'm rambling, aren't I?

I guess what I'm saying is, I've had a wonderful time these past few weeks, it's like, everything just seemed to fall in place, and I feel lucky most of the time having my friends and family and him around. And babe's right, I can't imagine being with someone else now, he complements me, understands and truly cares about me for who I am with all my childlike qualities. But I guess, I don't make a post listing why I feel so blessed, do I? On the other hand, I spared no time bitching about things that go wrong in my everyday's life. But despite having said that, now I'm about to complain once again. For fuck's sake, I am an ungrateful bastard.

I haven't been feeling truly like myself this week, particularly since this Monday. Interestingly enough, Eric left on Sunday, could that be it? I'm just feeling down cos he's not here? But to be fair, it's not like it's the first time he left. It has been a few months, I should have been used to it already, and besides, I still have my friends as usual. What's different this time, I have no idea. It might not even be because of him, subconsciously probably I'm just nervous about school. This subject really is worrying me, not only because I have two assignments that I'm struggling with, (I just started doing one and even the progress in that is painfully slow, and don't get me started on the second one yet), and not to mention the exam which falls on the same day. For the first time I'm really kinda scared, so there's a huge chance this school thing is the thing weighing me down. Whatever it is, I don't like feeling like this. Most of the time, even when I'm out with friends, I feel unenergized like all I wanna do is just being safely home. I don't talk as much and I get annoyed easily. Quite depressing, isn't it?

Probably it's nothing. I mean, people get bad mood once in a while without any reasons, right? They are bound to feel down once every blue moon and it doesn't mean they are depressed. I guess I just wanna apologise, to my sister, to Eric, to babe for being an ass lately. If only I can explain why. Yeah, and I wish I could say more, but really I don't know, let's just safely assume that I'm having PMS, okay. No, just think that I'm stressing over school. I need cheering up! Serious cheering up! Yesterday I went clubbing and even that couldn't really transform me into my original self, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME? Am I not fun anymore?!

People, bear with me, please.

Something is wrong with you when you consider pillow as your best friend and you sleep 12 hours everyday. For the past few days I've been trying to work on the assignment but so far it's being going even more hopelessly. 2 days and only 4 pages done, already double spacing somemore!

Eric has been really nice about my whole PMS episode, though, he gives in when I'm being difficult,...but not all the time. I mean, he has his bad days too, and just like tonight, when he's having bad mood, and I'm having bad mood as well, you can just pray that there won't be domestic war number 4 anytime soon. He doesn't take crap and he's not afraid to let people know that. Sometimes I'm the victim of his verbal abuse, but to be fair, more than half the times he has been my victim as well, so well, you can imagine. Although, there are times when we're both being stubborn and it takes time to cool both of us down and then we can start talking like civilized human beings again. Talking to me when I'm still freshly pissed is not a good idea. Anyway, it's one of those bad days for both of us so....

Four days and counting, and I don't like it. I want my old self! I wanna mutter lame jokes and be shameless again! This whole depression thing is starting to really depress me! I'm totally rambling and I'm fully aware of that...

Procrastinator. Bloody Good Weekend.

I'm not supposed to write an entry now because, I'm supposed to be working on my assignment..REMEMBER??!!!! I know, I know, but I can't think anymore and to think that I haven't been doing much! What's that 'anymore' for? Anymore's for working hard for hours and then you're tired and you decided to take a break cos you can't concentrate anymore! But what did I do? What? What? Okay, so I woke up and I actually went to the library and I actually researched reading materials for my essay and I actually sat there trying to compose sensible paragraphs but I can't ramble! My speciality is rambling, and I have to write about NINE ELEVEN and AMERICAN POLITICS!! What's there to ramble about?! I can't ramble even if my life depends on it! And now it's almost six pm and I had like one PAGE of essay (when I'm supposed to come up with 6-8 pages), and that one page is still only introduction I haven't even written anything quite significant yet! But my brain's just dead and I tried reading the text book while I was having lunch but I only managed to get it til page 100ish and I still have half more book to go...Yipee! This is great! This is brilliant! So spending valuable hours just watching videos on youtube and updating facebook and listening to music is just brilliant it really is. I feel so good now like I'm on top of the sinking Titanic. It's a bit like Catch 22. Can't do it right either way. Sigh. If only there's such thing as rambling class, I'll be mastering the skill in no time I'm sure.

Sorry for yet another rambling. I suppose you've gotten used to muting me right now, eh? So! I was having a great week last week mostly because boyfriend was in town for the weekend, and babe and I got around finally to do ladies night, and ladies night we did!

Last Wednesday at Clarke Quay and Velvet.

I also saw Sex and the City on the first premiere date, and the movie was great, I think! It's just like seeing the extended version of the series with bigger and more expensive wardrobe but I miss seeing the four of them! Guiltily, even though I saw the series countless times before, I still enjoy watching it over and over again, cos it's just the perfect thing to see when you're having your meal in front of the TV! Light, entertaining, and short! By the time one episode ends, you would finish your meal, I'm telling you, it's addictive.

Having a quick bite before heading in the cinema! And before picking Eric up, hence the biggest grin ever in the human history. I'm so transparent.

Chillin' and having drinks at Cuba Libre on Saturday night

Wait, there's more. I watched Sex and the City the second time around with the girls yesterday, only seemed appropriate, right? It actually felt a lot better the second time, but there was just one thing. The film suddenly stopped in the middle of the sex scene between Miranda and Steve and everyone in the cinema was just furious. I've seen it before and I was furious! It actually stopped like, three times and we initially thought they were gonna rewind the scene but nope, they didn't, what a rip off. And the audience were clapping during the scene when Charlotte actually said 'I curse the day you were born!' Lovely audience. I personally thought Kim Catrall was exceptionally prettier in the movie than the rest. And she's the oldest, but look at that body!

At Cine after the movie with babe and Epoy

Okay, at this rate I don't suppose I will make any more progress on the assignment, this internet is really distracting! So, that was lovely time there, hope you all had nice weekend too!

Isn't it funny, the way I kept jumping into one topic to the next? My brain's so jumbled you can't even tell.

Roadblock

This blog has been pretty much abandoned these days, and I wonder whether life has been much too demanding for me not to be able to sit here and scribble all my daily thoughts anymore like I used to. It's unnerving, the realization was disturbing, it's like a part of me was missing, and I didn't even notice it's gone. For days I don't even have the slightest urge to write and to share things, or even just to ramble incoherently. I'm not sure I like the change.

For years I've always known what I wanna do. My passion has been plastered onto my forehead so everyone could see, and that part has always been so obvious. I manuevered myself through the years knowing I had an objective in mind, and eventhough I haven't known how to get there, the part of what I wanna do was very much clear.

I'm the kind of person who can't do the same thing for a long period of time. Through writing I thought I never have to face that obstacle because there are always new experiences and new ideas to write about, new lessons to learn and new moral to get across. You can't replicate the exact same thing twice in writing, and there are endless possibilities in which you can be creative just upon the same topic. And that's what I love about writing. The ability for me to fully convey whatever it is I wanna say, the option is entirely open.

One time in class, we learnt about how America seemed to lose its frontier during its early age, and how they were completely lost, having had one thing that always distinguished them for the rest, and suddenly finding it gone, and it was the time when it seemed like they have lost their identity. If your life has always been dictated around one thing, can you still move on when that one thing is suddenly snatched away from you?

I feel happiness, the kind of happiness which makes me wanna giggle all day, but I find myself slowly getting away from my usual habit, like spending time writing. Instead, I find myself imagining different things. I'm picturing myself in a different scenario. New adventures and new possibilities, together along with my newfound happiness. And for the first time, these things feel real, like I can actually do things I never imagined I could do. This realization is both terrifying and exciting, scary and thrilling.

I don't know what the future holds of me, and maybe it's an adventure in itself, but I just don't wanna lose my old self in the process. Even when I don't end up being whatever it is I have always pictured myself to be, I still wanna be happy, and I still wanna write, because it is one thing that I have always known myself as, a part of my identity.

So I just wanna remind myself to set aside a little time, even if it's only for a few minutes, not to stop. Because it might be harder to jump back into the train once you're off it. It's easy to be enchanted by the new things, and it's okay to enjoy the new, even to ogle and swoon over it for a while, as long as you don't let go of the old.

Things have been busy for me but still, it shouldn't be an excuse.

Okay, that was some inner thoughts I thought I'd share. In a lighter note, my politics class has ended and now I'm preparing for the exam and assignment, which are really such shit. They are just so much to do and I don't know how I'm gonna handle it. But in the midst of it all, I'm glad I still have the people who actually matter.



A little collage I made out of pictures Babe and I took yesterday at Holland Village. It was truly a great evening, exactly what I needed, the right dose of chat session with my best friend.


The horror! I looked so awful in this, but please bear in mind that we have been out since morning through the jungles in torching heat!

Nothing much else is happening. I've spent the entire afternoon reading my text book titled 'The Conscience of a Liberal' which I guess could be interesting at some parts, but mostly it was just a handfull. I must finish the book in order to do my assignment and it's a pain. I'm not interested in politics to begin with, before this I didn't even have any idea about the difference between Republicans and Democrats (yes, I could die being less ignorant than this), but now I sort of know a thing or two..and three or four.

So...Wish me luck for everything.

Lazy Monday

Mirror mirror on the wall, whose hand is the fairest of 'em all?

A little funny gesture on the train, which got us some strange nasty look from fellow passengers.

'Ahoy there mate! What are you looking at?' I said. And then we ran out of the train to avoid some raw eggs and dirty tissues being thrown at us.

Today feels like Sunday with it being a day off and everything, and I woke up by a message from Eric saying, "Suppose the pig hasn't arisen yet!" Well yeah! I wouldn't have been arisen if not thanks to you! I wasn't sure if it was the being woken up from my wonderful sleep, or the pig reference part that bothered me, but either one was enough to throw me into PMS mood the whole day.

Well, at first. And then I made myself a hot cereal drink and I felt a lot better. I could even text him back in a civilized way. I spent the afternoon playing my keyboad and singing with the chairs as the audience so there was no way they could 'boo' me. In fact, I swear they even looked encouraging.

But, the holiday's over and it's school again tomorrow. Though, he's coming next week so I have that to look forward to! And my best friend's back in town so everything seems better!

This entry is totally meaningless. My day is totally meaningless. Gosh. The pig is back.

Long Weekend (or not)

Long weekend is here! One thing, though, I had class yesterday on a Saturday so technically I will only have 2 days off just like each and every week and I can't even call it long weekend, can I? But in the spirit of being up and pumping, I'd say, long weekend it is and I won't hear anything else! Nobody can ruin my good mood! Nope, not even a bad customer service or bad telephone connection!

Well, can I rephrase that?

Speaking of those two, and let me bitch about phone connection first, I don't know if this irritating crap only happens in connection between Singapore and China only or this always occurs on internation calls, period? It's so damn annoying 'cos I'm up on calls to China everyday and try not being able to hear anything from the other end when you're starting to get so serious or you're about to disclose an important life-changing information, or when you're simply about to crack a joke and the other person's reaction is always, "Huh? What?" Well, it beats the whole serious/life-altering/funny aspects of the whole conversation, right? And as much as I would love to repeat the whole damn thing, again, it won't sound the same as my first attempt cos the moment has passed (yes! there ARE some moments..)and you just end up getting pissed. Or, that is probably still better than getting disconnected in the middle of a conversation (a serious/life-altering/funny one). It's like, what the fuck, man?! Far too many times I just wanna strangle or beat the phone down to culp!

And don't get me started on bad customer service, because seriously it doesn't make a damn sense. Why work in service industry when you can't even give a decent service?! Isn't that the whole point of it all? To give service? And like I have said several times before, if you're not good with people, then grab a damn lab-jacket or something! Okay, for example, yesterday we (we being the people in the picture above plus two more guys from outer space) went to a shop to get pictures printed, and we needed it pretty urgently. They asked us to write in our name and contact number so one of us did. And then they told us to get back in ten minutes to collect the pictures. So we wandered around the mall and okay, that was already quite late (9.30ish is considered quite late for shops in mall), but ten minutes was all it took, right? So one of us went down after ten minutes or so and guess what??????

THE FUCKING SHOP HAS CLOSED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Well WHAT THE HELL DID WE WRITE IN OUR NAME AND CONTACT NUMBER FOR IF YOU COULDN'T EVEN GIVE US A CALL WHEN YOUR SHOP WAS ABOUT TO CLOSE AND YOU STILL GOT CUSTOMERS?!!

Sometimes I wonder if these people are for real. Human beings are supposed to have brains, right? Or common decency? Conscience, maybe? Well apparently not. Apparently somewhere in their makings, they forgot to put in that part. I don't know whom to blame, really, maybe it's just an unfortunate error, maybe it's the food they eat, or....I don't know, it just stopped functioning sometime around puberty?

Not being nasty, just saying like it is. You all should know I'm not known for being nasty. [Right? Right?] It's just stupidity in bimbotic proportion how it happened, really.

So, moving to a more pleasant topic. Yesterday I had dinner at Newton and it has been a while since I went there, but I enjoyed a heavenly spread of food: BBQ stingray, fried calamari, omelette with oysters, kang kong, yummm! It was so good especially the fish! So I was a happy girl last night! It doesn't take much to get me happy, does it? Just feed the girl, that's the solution!

Anyway, I know I haven't been writing here for at least a full week and I apologize for that. School has been kinda time-consuming, and I know the class is only like, three and a half hours everyday, but the topic just left me feeling drained afterwards so I end up taking afternoon naps after getting back from school on some days. It's an American history and politics class, and whereas the subject itself is interesting, it's tough and the lecturer is tough. You can tell that he expects a lot from his students and instead of him lowering his standard, we're the ones having to raise it a notch to match up his expectation. Everyday he would spend half the time lecturing us about the topics, from current political issue to basically everything else, and the other half showing us videos on american history. Watching the video is interesting because the history is presented visually rather than just verbally, but still, there are just so much to memorize and absorbed.

So keep your fingers crossed for me! :)

In the mean time, enjoy your long weekend and I'll catch you around!

Talking to someone like this made me realize that I've had such a great sheltered life.

You have friends right?

Not really..Pretty much alone

I'm serious

So am I. I stay away from everyone

So you think most people are not worthy of your attention?

Pretty much not worth hurting you. Or anyone

Why do you think you would hurt anyone? Hurt us by what?

Just cold. I am hard to be close to

You're just a tough nut to crack

You need to realize. That you are happy, and I'm not. That's the difference

I'm much happier when I have people..friends around

I don't let people define my happiness

It's not like that. It's okay, you know, to need people, no matter how independent or self-sufficient you are..

That's it. I stopped needing people over 10 years ago. And haven't asked for help in forever. I got given up on, so I started giving up the same way, on everyone and everything. I haven't even turned around since then

But why?

Got kicked out of my parents home, I was on my own in High School. Dad and didn't get along. I moved out and got my own place then I joined the military. I stayed in the mil for a few years got my degree. I went home from the military one day and the girl who had my son was sucking my so called best friends dick

What? First of all, you have a son??

I have one. I don't ever get to see him

You don't?

Nope.

Fuck. Where's the mother now?

She fucked up. Court gave her custody, and said I was unfit because of my job

After you punched and cut your friend's dick off, what happened?

I walked away, coldly, didn't even say a word, besides get out. Didn't even raise my voice

I sort of get it why you can't trust people anymore but..

Everyone's distant and gone

But you gotta know, not everyone there is out to hurt or betray you

Everyone's is a user one way or another. That's all I really see anymore

Yes, you have to be a lot more cautionous, but do you want to give up on people like that?

You met me way too many years too late. 5 years, I haven't touched, kissed or been with anyone. I don't talk to people unless I have to

Look where it got you..

Rich. I have more money than I know what to do with

Rich and what? With noone to share it with?

That's it. Noone I wanna share it with. Noone that I really trust.

...Who am I to judge, right?

Thanks for showing me that it's crappy. Money doesn't buy happiness, just loneliness. Remember that I said that

I'm sorry. I didn't mean that

You're fine, you're not saying anything wrong. I just don't talk to people like this. If you want to be honest that is all that matters. I don't just let anyone in. Ever.

Thanks???

"Yep have to thank that johnny guy when I see him all is well that ends well right:)"

But you know what, when I think back, maybe it would be better if I have never met him at all. At least he'd still be someone who used to be able to make me laugh everytime, not the guy who came and went; the one who turned out to be a dissappointment. And the time was just too short for it to be anything, who was I kidding?

I don't think I wanna thank him for anything yet, a part of me is still even angry although not even a residue of how I used to feel clouded my judgment.

No thanks for him.

Lil' Something from Lil' Sis

My little sister and I have an interesting relationship. We don't talk about boys or periods, make ups or fashion trends. Instead, we bond over play station games, music, cable tv, food, road trips and comic books. There is not much I can say about the similar way we think or express ourselves. She's always been distant, not because she's uncomfortable of sharing things or because there's just not enough time to sit and talk. She has always been her. She's just not the kind who bothers to be melancholic, swooning over unnecessary details.

She's more alike to my older sister than to me, they're both strong and nonchalant, unperturb and hard. Growing up, because of the age difference, we weren't as close as I wanted us to be. Even now, although being with her feels so natural and easy, I wish she would open up more.

But despite all that, she is my little sister and isn't she cute. She made this collage of her and me of the months I spent back home. We shared the same narcissistic trait, well, there you go, she's my sister afterall. If there is one thing, one thing at all that can be served as evidence, then there it is. Of course, it probably is easier to just take a look at us, surely our eyes are alike? Nose? Mouth? Anything?

Thanks for this, lil' sis! :)

Happy

What a weekend!

I'm so tired like a leaf, my eyes are blurry, lips are chapped, throat is sore, voice is gone..

And I'm really, really happy!:)

Don't ask me where the logic in that is cos there will be none. I'm just somewhat delirious, and am pretty sure it's a sin to feel this good. Gosh, can I be more melodramatic?

Boyfriend was here for the weekend and it just keeps getting better:)

Anyway. Thought this blog is getting pretty dry these days with all these words so here are some random pictures...of FOOD!


Love, love, love Jap food! Gotta love that sushi!


Dimsum luncheon at Great World City last Saturday! The chicken congee was really good, and those pork was mouth-watering too!


With dearest Sis. What more could we do while waiting? Definitely not reciting poems =p


..and with Rena at the chinese restaurant..I know, I'm not so organized this time, eh?


Everyone at the office wrote and signed me a 'goodbye-thank-you-good-luck-and-hope-you-won't-suck-in-your-future-career-that-is-if-anyone-would-wanna-hire-you' card...So sweet!


Considering it was our first ever 'picnic', I'd say it was quite an achievement..Okay, so it was raining so we had to sit with our umbrella open, and before it was burning hot so I was perspiring unglamorously, the wine was impossible to open (..he managed it eventually after drops of tears and blood) and every good spot was occupied so we had to move our asses a few times before we finally settled on a pathetic little slope (with too many ants around), but that wasn't the point, was it? So what was the point again? Oh yeah. Spending time together? Um,..yeah, that's it.

So that's all for now!:) I have a week off ahead before my next class so I'm planning for making the most of it! Have I told you I'm happy? :)

That's a Wrap.

This is it, I'm done with work, at least for now. I know it has only been three months but it feels so long I swear I must have grown some white hair in the process. But, in some ways, I have enjoyed it. There were moments when I whined a lot, I know, okay, most of the time, but still, there were others when I was charged and excited 'cos I'm doing something useful. And eventhough I only got paid literally a peanut, it was still money I couldn't refuse. So, all in all, I'm glad. And yesterday we had farewell lunch together and at the end of the day everyone wrote and signed me a card, which was really thoughtful from their part.

I still don't know how the heck I'm going to be able to endure this when the time comes, but I'll find a way, any way. Sometimes the thought is way scarier than the real thing, so I hope everything will work out fine. For now, I'm going to enjoy my freedom for a little while until my next class commences, and then we'll start talking about rational adult decision again. Deal?

So today is a public holiday and a special one too 'cos of other reason. It's a strange observation but I just realised that we always had a fight right before he comes. I'm serious, and they were real fights, not those cutey fake fight which intention was just to mock each other or because I was simply fishing for compliments, but fight fight with us slamming the phone down and feeling pissed for some time. But usually, then, minutes later we would feel awful about it and apologise, no matter whose fault it was to begin with. But that's always the case and I'm wondering, why the hell is that? What's that about?! I mean, the thought of us having a fight everytime he's about to come over is rather creepy. Right? It's like waiting for a bomb to explode. One night before and I would get all paranoid. Well, no actually, I'm not seriously worried about that. There are still other things we should worry about than having a fight with significant others, like..um..threat of starvation or...Mas Selamat. Whatever.

Anyway, came across James Morrison's You Give Me Something's US clip version and I still just love this song! Check this out.

Will definitely write more since I'm free now! Free as a bird! Yeay!