Tuesday, 10 November 2009

Things I'll never say.

Even with my state of always not being able to stick around for too long, I remember each person's quirks, and the memories I shared with them is dearly precious to me. It may sound slightly hypocritical, but I can really relate to what Celine said in the movie Before Sunset.

"I mean, I always feel like a freak because I'm never able to move on like...this. You know. People just have an affair, or even..entire relationship. They break up and they forget! They move on like they would have changed a brand of cereals! I feel I was never able to forget anyone I've been with.

I think it's the same with people. I see in them little details, so specific to each other, that move me, and that I miss, and..will always miss."

It's true. To me, for every failed relationships, even when my feelings were no longer there anyway, it didn't mean that I wasn't sad when they ended. I still needed time to miss the other person. I'm baffled at how sometimes it takes just a heartbeat for the other person to just, forget everything.

Early this year I was seeing someone, and even though yes, we both knew it wasn't gonna go anywhere, and that we shouldn't have had any expectations at all, because the end was inevitable, but still. Maybe I was simply being a girl for hoping. After all, we had so much fun together. I kept thinking to myself though, who am I kidding? Don't be stupid, you're supposed to be an adult about this.

It turned out exactly like what we've seen coming all along. He had to leave, and it sucks. I think he was the closest to a real, day-to-day boyfriend I've ever had. At least it was drama-free while it lasted. No long-distance thing, no phone-bill-explosions; just really good, silly times together of meeting each other's friends, watching too many movies, eating in and out, and writing each other dorky text messages everyday.

I mean, I knew it wasn't anything serious, I wouldn't dramatize the situation by saying that I fell for him, or that I was completely crushed that he left, because I didn't, and I wasn't. It sucks, yes. I really missed him at first, it's like I've lost a really good friend. He's been there for many months and suddenly I couldn't just ask him to come out for a movie night, or for a late-night prata supper.

But I kept my emotions in check, and I thought at least we could still be friends even after he left. Sure it would be different, but it's alright, we could still occasionally write emails or catch up, couldn't we? Well, I was wrong. The exchanging of emails probably only happened for the first two weeks after he left, and then it stopped.

Frankly speaking, I haven't talked to the guy for months now. It's like, we suddenly became complete strangers. I wasn't expecting anything, true, but I couldn't help but thinking, I mean, is it that easy for him to forget me? Sorry if I may sound a little self-centered, I don't mean it like that. But okay, I certainly missed him as a friend, if nothing else. Didn't he miss me at all?

Like I said. It really baffles me. "People break up and they forget!" How?

In some scenarios, yeah, sure, you can argue, that on bad breakups, people are supposed to stay clear from each other, because it's harder to be close and it would just remind them of the bad, awful memories. Yeah, I've had that too. My ex and I weren't talking to each other for a good solid 3.5 years before we started being friends again, and now we're fine. Sure, we needed time to get over it, to move on from any bad feelings, and say, well, yeah, I'm ready to be friends with him/her again. It doesn't hurt anymore.

Either way, we still need time, don't we? How could some people move on and forget everything just like that?

Maybe he didn't forget, but he just didn't see the point in continuing to keep in touch when we probably wouldn't ever see each other again. Perhaps. I mean, it's just one example. Generally, I'm like that, though, I can never really forget someone. Hmm, maybe that's why I have a habit of keeping people's text messages in my phone.

I guess it's something I can never ask.


Anonymous said...

Hi Teena... I was reading your blog entries, and now I can appreciate how good of a writer you are. (Damn, I should've realized that much earlier!)

Moving on is hard for me too... And I'm a woman of mind, not heart. I tend to think that he doesn't forget you; how can he? But then again, some things are better left unsaid, better left unknown...:)


t e e n a said...

Hi Ci Keti..
Thanks so much for the compliment, that means a lot, especially coming from you whose writings I really admire too. =)

Thank you for stopping by! =)