How little they think of you.

I’m reminded once again on why Before Sunrise franchise is one of my all-time beloved movies. The characters are as real as you and me, and importantly the dialogues really touch me in a way that very few movies can.

When a movie speaks to you on such a personal level, it’s really quite something else. Especially for a hopeless romantic like me who loves words and finds meaning in every little detail. There are so many quotes from the movie that I love so much, but in this instance I would like to share one quote that resonates well with me.

“You know what’s the worst thing about somebody breaking up with you? It’s when you remember how little you thought about the people you broke up with and you realize that is how little they’re thinking of you. You know, you’d like to think you’re both in all this pain but they’re just like “Hey, I’m glad you’re gone.” 

I think it doesn’t just apply to romantic relationship, but also to friendship. You would think that when two people fall apart, we both would suffer the loss equally. But no, that’s not the case.

Sometimes I value my friendship too much, or I put too much expectation to it, I’ll just end up getting disappointed because it turns out that the other person just doesn’t give a fuck.

But then when everything is said and done, and you’re left with the loss of friend.. and you find yourself missing them, and think to yourself that they must miss this friendship too.. well, guess what, they probably don’t.

It’s just like that dialogue from the movie. That’s how little they think of you. And it hurts, it does. But reality hurts, and I’d rather deal with reality, no matter how sucky, than live in daydream illusion that the other person cares.

Hi Me. How are you?

You know, I try so hard to please everyone, but in the process, I make myself unhappy.

I convinced myself that by making other people happy, I will be happy too. And sure, that works. But then, doesn’t that just mean that your happiness depend entirely on others?

What about my own happiness? One that comes from me?

I realized that it’s important that I am happy too. That I need to make me a priority too, instead of pushing my own needs at the back of the line behind everyone else’s.

I have to take control of my own life because no one else is gonna do the job.

And really, the one thing I can probably give the people around me is to be happy, fulfilled and satisfied as a daughter, sister, girlfriend, friend. This means, being myself 100%.

I want to be able to live my life truly and passionately. I want my work to be exciting, to really be something that I love doing, something that would make a difference – if not for others, at least for me.

I want to go to the library and read crazy amounts of books like I used to. I want to sit at home, writing creatively about anything and everything. I want to do a Star Wars marathon on DVD. There are plenty of things I have been procrastinating and pushed aside.

I want to be brave and be open to my feelings. Even when they are difficult.

I want to love freely, to just enjoy the ride, to live in the moment.

I used to be so positive and carefree – where did that girl go? Why am I constantly worrying and thinking too much? It’s really exhausting. I can’t spare that amount of energy on top of everything else.

I want to say to myself. Take a deep breath. Chill. Have more faith in you.

And then, work towards those things that can make you happy. Stop procrastinating.

Change

“Just because everything is different doesn't mean anything has changed.“

I’m scared of change. I’d like everything to remain the same, because only then would I feel totally in control. I don’t like guessing and anticipating what’s gonna happen next, especially when I’m happy with what I have right now.

But that’s not exactly possible, is it? Without change, how can we grow for growth is the only evidence that we’re still living? We have to change, whether we want to or not.

And the key is to stop thinking that change is a bad thing. I read this quote somewhere:

“There is a certain relief in change, even though it be from bad to worse! As I have often found in travelling in a stagecoach, that it is often a comfort to shift one's position, and be bruised in a new place.”

I know it’s easier said than done, and trust me, I’m still learning too. I’m still freaking out over changes too. Sometimes I would find myself getting all paranoid or coming up with fake scenarios in my head although they have no base at all.

But if you’re in a bad situation, don’t worry it’ll change. If you’re in a good situation, don’t worry it’ll change too.

I guess that’s the lesson for today, my dear students.

higher self, lower self, mask

Regarding an ex-girlfriend.
- credit to David Sutcliffe

The most common story I tell myself is that she’s to blame. If she weren’t so fucked up, so afraid of commitment, so entwined with her mother, so out of touch with her anger, so frigid, so narcissistic, and so unable to get past her own shit—we could work it out. The problem with women is women. They’re crazy. They can’t be trusted. And because they can never really see me, they can never love me. This is my MASK.

I want to punish her for not meeting my expectation of how I want to be loved. I want her to suffer; to feel regret about not doing enough to keep me. I relish the “How to Keep a Man” articles on Yahoo that confirm she did everything wrong. I take pleasure in the fact that I know (or think I know) she’s alone, confused and suffering. It’s what she deserves. It’s what she had coming to her. And I will not forgive her. I will not let it go. This is my LOWER SELF.

Underneath there is deep disappointment and pain, a longing to love and be loved and an understanding that she is human; that she is doing her best; that her intention is true; that she wants the same thing I want and is afraid the same way I am. I know that she is good. This is my HIGHER SELF.

To the Negative, Moody and Unfriendly.

I wonder why some people are just..grumpy. But I'm tellin you, it ain't attractive.

We all have our good and bad days. And I'm not referring to us being moody and grumpy once in a while when everything seems to go wrong. Because that happens, I know. I'm saying it in a more general level. People whose default mood is just...grumpy. Unhappy, moody, negative people who think it's up to them to behave that way, but they don't realize that it affects people around them as well.

It's one thing being moody once in a while. It's quite another to be, just, literally depressing, all the freaking time. I'm your friend, so I would do my best to listen to you, and offer advice, and try to make you feel better. But what good does it do when nothing I say sticks? Because you go back to being depressed and complaining about life again and again and again.

Then there's people who think that just because they are moody, others have to be too. You don't feel like talking to people, you want to be alone, then so be it. Treating others rudely is completely uncalled for. You think I enjoy talking to you when you're getting all moody and annoying too? Well, news flash, I don't, okay? If it's up to me, I would rather go to..I don't know, Timbuktu or something, rathen than go through this verbal abuse just because you happen to be in a shitty mood. But we all have to deal with it. Sometimes we have no choice but to communicate, even when we don't feel like it.

Tell us nicely (or fine, you don't even have to smile, just say it in decent manner) that you are not feeling good today, so ask us to leave you alone. And hey, I will be away from your hair in a second. That bitchy attitude of yours doesn't help at all. If any, you just successfully established yourself as a serious douche.

And now there's the unfriendly kind. I wouldn't say that I'm the friendliest person, but I think I'm okay. I try to make people feel welcomed, because I know how awkward it is being the newbie. At work, for example. I have gone through different internships and jobs to know how weird it can be sometimes not knowing everyone around. I have been the kid who stays back during lunch time because I haven't known anyone yet. So I try to be nicer to new people when it's their turn to be the newbie.

During a work training, a Singaporean had this to say when this topic was brought up. "Why us? Why must we be the one who approach the newbie? The newbie has to approach us first!"

Well, to this person, I just would like to present him the Douchebag of The Day award because that's what he is, and to all of you too if you think that way. I don't know if you're just a douche by default, or the society has turned you into a bitter person, but seriously, you need help. And I hope one day when the tables are turned, you will get a taste of your medicine. I hope noone, and I mean, noone would talk to you and you would be a lonely, miserable person, sitting alone in your corner without anyone to talk to.

I don't think it's a matter of being friendly or not, rather than a practice of common decency. If everyone keeps waiting around to be approached first, noone would end up talking to anyone. If that's what you want, then fine. Be miserable on your own.

Thing is, sometimes you don't have to be the brightest person around, you don't even have to be the friendliest. All you need is just to be a decent, okay person. Someone who gets down once in a while, but bounces back up because that's what we do. Someone who thinks before they talk because words can be hurtful. Someone who is..okay, by nature. Not someone bitter, not someone who disregard other people's feelings.

Smiling is good, you know? You probably seldom do it, but try it! It can loosen up those rigid cells in your face (or brain) and make everything seems better. And who knows, god forbid, you may even actually be, gasp! Happy.

Be nice, people. Life is way too short to be grumpy.

From somewhere within.

I don't think I will ever understand you but I suppose that's for the best. Maybe I wouldn't feel this way if I can read you like a book. I always like being in control, especially when it comes to my feelings, but right now you're making me wonder. I'm drawing a blank.

There were times when I was sure I wasn't imagining things and that it would be impossible for you not to see it too. And then you turned around and undoed everything.

Everytime we got closer, it was almost like I just met you for the first time and we had to build our relationship all over again.

I wonder if this is just a wall that you try to build to keep people away, but then let me ask you this. Why do you want to keep people away? To be independent?

Loneliness is underrated. There is nothing more hurtful than feeling completely alone.

Even though we all strive to be an independent being, who doesn't want to be loved?

It's alright though for now. I don't mind doing it again and again if that's what you want. I guess there are moments when I feel like it's worth it. You're worth it.

I like me when I'm with you. You remind me how important friendship is. Friendship is the foundation of a relationship, and not the other way around. You remind me how fun it is talking and spending time with friends without worrying about any ulterior motives.

I like my dorky, lame self when I'm with you, because you tell it to my face that I'm being lame. Sometimes at the most unexpected moments, you would look at me and say something sweet that would leave me grinning for days.

But you should know that I value you as a friend more than anything. So nothing's gonna happen, I promise. The next move is yours.

Happy birthday, me. ;)

I’m terribly bad at this recently. But here we are again; another year has passed in Tina’s life cycle. (That’s me, by the way.)

For the umpteenth time, let me just say that I’m never big on birthdays. I haven’t been excited about birthdays since I discovered that Santa is not real, and that Seifer Almasy is just a fictional character I can’t meet and marry. Life’s tough. My point is, I gladly let every year pass without much of a fuss if it’s up to me. But people expect you to clink a glass of champagne or two and make a toast. Well, this is slightly a metaphor.

Today at work my colleague kept asking me what my plan is for tomorrow. I sort of just stared at her blankly and said, “um, nothing.” She looked so shocked as if she just saw a UFO flying in the air. Tomorrow, in fact, is my birthday and yet, I will wake up and do the same routine that I have been doing in the past year.

Ah, maybe I’m gonna throw in extra earring but that purely depends whether I will get ready in time or if I’ll be rushing from home without checking myself in the mirror. Either way, nothing will change.

The one thing that I’ll be concerned about is whether I will have wrinkles the next time I look in the mirror. After all, I’ll be 24 in less than 2 hours! Fuck! (Did I just curse? Sorry! That was very unlady-like of me.)

It has become a habit though, to write my thoughts each year in this blog, so I’m not gonna break the tradition this time around, even though I’m not exactly celebrating the occasion. My perfect birthday will be, if I’m home, surrounded by my family and closest friends, and there’s that. I’m happy.

However, my mom is no longer around and my dad is not coming here until the 25th. My best friend is away on a vacation overseas, and some of my really good friends are not even in Singapore anymore. I know I still have my sisters here and thank goodness for that. Otherwise, I’m seriously going to just stay in tomorrow, fake sick, and sulk in misery.

For the past year being 23 though, I can proudly say that I’ve been good. (So Santa, I deserve a present.) My whole life has been filled with work, responsibility and things I have not fully appreciated yet until now. I love being able to work and earn my own money, and getting to spend it to make myself happy, to treat my sisters, to plan for things I want to do. Throughout school days, I kept spending, and now I’m gaining it all back.

My focus has been in work, and I don’t know what it will be in the next year. I hope it will be more on myself.

So I guess if I really have to celebrate my birthday, or to say something as a toast for this occasion, is for my 24-years old self to be able to maintain a balance. Take better care of myself, have better judgment, and learn that sometimes, saying no is a good thing.

Happy 24th, yourself. ;)

I may be imperfect, but I'm perfectly me.

Growing up is a funny thing. And let me tell you why.

You remember when we were small at how we all used to write things in our tiny little secretive journals? How we made everyone swear in the name of their most valuables that they would never take a peek into our diaries because oh, what we wrote was so scandalous and juicy? Yep, even when the most exciting thing in our lives that we could write about was our secret crush on the boy next door? No, not the gardener, this isn’t Desperate Housewives, please. Anyway, you know, that sort of thing?

Well, I was one of those people. Even as a child, I was a diary-junkie. I kept journals, in fact, a whole lot of them because I would get bored of writing in the same diary for a long period of time so after like, a month or so of writing almost everyday in the same book, I would get that itch to buy another one and start new in those fresh untouched papers and that’s the vicious cycle. I know, short attention span, right? Well, okay, so the old diaries (and every one of them all became old eventually) were always put to waste because they weren’t even full yet. Being somewhat of a geek, I’ve always loved stationary and the best shopping spree ever to me was buying sets of new colorful pens and organizers. Hey, there are a lot worse addictions out there, okay! Pens are so less harmful, and at least they’re cheap! My dad wouldn’t have headache this often if my obsession now is only limited to papers and pencils. So, anyway, I had up to ten journals and rereading all those entries again when I’m at least eight years older (much less-dramatic and more realistic, I hope) is amusing and embarrassing at the same time.

In addition to being an ungrateful spoiled little brat (for wasting papers and therefore, contributing towards the early stage of global warming), I was also a complete list-freak. I would make a list of everything I could possibly make a list out. And I couldn’t just do that in mind, I had to write them all and perhaps I did that because I just loved to write too much so everything I felt had to be written down, I don’t know. Or maybe I was just simply a freak who has some kind of compulsive disorder. Well, anyway, I re-opened all my journals, and the oldest that I could find was from 1999 and I couldn’t believe how funny I sounded! I listed everything, from all the books I owned (as if I wanted to open a library or something), magazines, cassettes, favorite film characters, television shows, and oh geez, I’m so ashamed, top three guys whom I wanted to marry in the future.

I wrote all sorts of ridiculous things, but reading all of these again reminds me of how naïve and free and innocent I was. Okay, maybe not so innocent since I have been thinking of marrying someone when I was only, what, 12?

I guess in a way I forgot about that. I forgot about the way I used to be, the way I used to think and write, the way I used to feel. I forgot about how crazy I was towards The X-Files (okay, David Duchovny in specific), and Joshua Jackson, and Hewitt the tennis player, and Seifer from Final Fantasy, and Brian from the Backstreet Boys; I forgot how obsessive I got to comic books and Sweet Valley novels; I forgot how nauseatingly girly I got when I had crush on the boy next door (seriously, he has the fairest thigh I have ever seen! Oops, not that I have seen a lot. How could I get to take a look at his thigh? Oh chill, it was a coincidence, he just happened to appear in shorts when I happened to drop by to his house, okay, Completely and utterly coincidental. Geez, I was 17.) I had a lot of funny thoughts that I expressed in writings and now, years from then, it's hard to believe it was me who wrote these all.

But at the same time, it's almost like I could still understand it somehow. Even though I couldn’t put a finger as to why I could get so engrossed to certain things, I could understand, almost remember, that they were indeed very important at one point in my life.

It seemed like a long time ago but then again, maybe not so much. I guess I can still be that dramatic sometimes, it’s just the subject of my obsession is more justifiable now. Is it, really? Well, it’s funny that no matter how older you become, deep inside you’re still the same. I mean, okay, so I was obsessed with comics when I was 14 and I’m not anymore, but do I still like comics? Sure, I still read comics from time to time, the difference is just if there aren’t any, I wouldn’t go looking for it, and I sure wouldn’t spend all my pocket money on them like I used to.

And yeah, I might be crazily in love with Joshua Jackson and David Duchovny back in time, but do I still think they are good-looking now? Sure. I wouldn’t say, “Oh my goodness, they scared the beejezus out of me!” but I wouldn’t go around looking for their posters anymore. You know what I mean? Come to think of it, my interests are still the same, it’s just that the comic books are replaced by novels; and television series with only bunch of good looking actors are substituted by movies and series with good story lines.

I would still watch Buffy and think that it’s good, but I wouldn’t think the world is going to fall on me if I miss just one episode. And I still like writing in colorful pens, it’s just that I have so many leftovers I don’t feel the overwhelming urge to buy new ones just yet, unlike that time when I was in high school that I just kept buying and buying until my pencil case was the size of pregnant stomach of a cow and everyone in class could just borrow pens from me and I still had enough to sell and use the money to buy candies to feed the entire third world countries.

And I'm certainly still a little list-freak and an ever bigger stationery and writing-nerd.

So yeah. Does this all make sense? I guess there's a line in Before Sunset when one of the character says, "Nothing in the world could change our disposition". I mean, the basic nature of a person. There's another quote that says, "On the whole, the happiest people seem to be those who have no particular cause for being happy except that they are so." I believe that we don't really change that much at all.

I worry I've been writing too much already, so forgive me. I'm kinda thinking out loud and yeah, it's very interesting, don't you think? You've outgrown yourself in a lot of ways, but in essentials, in your most basic nature, you are almost exactly the same.

Planning the resolution

Usually at this time of year, I'll have already started making my new year's resolution. Okay, at least, given it a go. It may sound a little cheesy, but I really think it's good to kinda look back and evaluate what you've done, people you've met, places you've been, and issues you've overcome. You know, to just reflect on the whole thing.

I did so for the past few years, and it's nice to have a set of fresh new goals to achieve for the upcoming year, you know?

It's rather hard this year because, I don't know, I don't think I've accomplished anything. Well, aside from the new degree diploma that I just got. Yeah sure, I'm a graduate, yeah, I have a diploma to prove it. Somehow it doesn't make me jump for joy.

People are always the hardest on themselves, I guess. It's like, you know, there's this saying "It's funny how you can always tell when a boy like someone else, but can never tell if he likes you." And I think it's true. Somehow we can't be objective when it comes to ourselves. I scold my friend when he's being too hard on himself, and I have a feeling I do the same thing to myself.

That's why I can't be truly excited about this year, about starting a new one. Usually I can say, 'okay, here's what I did right, and what I did wrong, and well, I'm learning from these mistakes and now we can move on.' But, what have I done for the past months? It's depressing, I know.

Still, I keep reminding myself to remain positive and hopeful. And if my experience could teach me anything, is that, no one should stop trying after a few bumps on the road. And I believe that the best is yet to come, that there have been many other people before me who persevered and succeeded.

Maybe me being hard on myself is just a defense mechanism so I'm never satisfied with what I've done, and therefore kept moving forward.

I'm not too happy about this year, and there are many things I wish I have done differently, but I don't know, maybe that can be part of the mistakes I could learn from. Well, either way, I'm still gonna make that new year's evaluation and resolution. We'll see how that goes.

Things I'll never say.

Even with my state of always not being able to stick around for too long, I remember each person's quirks, and the memories I shared with them is dearly precious to me. It may sound slightly hypocritical, but I can really relate to what Celine said in the movie Before Sunset.

"I mean, I always feel like a freak because I'm never able to move on like...this. You know. People just have an affair, or even..entire relationship. They break up and they forget! They move on like they would have changed a brand of cereals! I feel I was never able to forget anyone I've been with.

I think it's the same with people. I see in them little details, so specific to each other, that move me, and that I miss, and..will always miss."

It's true. To me, for every failed relationships, even when my feelings were no longer there anyway, it didn't mean that I wasn't sad when they ended. I still needed time to miss the other person. I'm baffled at how sometimes it takes just a heartbeat for the other person to just, forget everything.

Early this year I was seeing someone, and even though yes, we both knew it wasn't gonna go anywhere, and that we shouldn't have had any expectations at all, because the end was inevitable, but still. Maybe I was simply being a girl for hoping. After all, we had so much fun together. I kept thinking to myself though, who am I kidding? Don't be stupid, you're supposed to be an adult about this.

It turned out exactly like what we've seen coming all along. He had to leave, and it sucks. I think he was the closest to a real, day-to-day boyfriend I've ever had. At least it was drama-free while it lasted. No long-distance thing, no phone-bill-explosions; just really good, silly times together of meeting each other's friends, watching too many movies, eating in and out, and writing each other dorky text messages everyday.

I mean, I knew it wasn't anything serious, I wouldn't dramatize the situation by saying that I fell for him, or that I was completely crushed that he left, because I didn't, and I wasn't. It sucks, yes. I really missed him at first, it's like I've lost a really good friend. He's been there for many months and suddenly I couldn't just ask him to come out for a movie night, or for a late-night prata supper.

But I kept my emotions in check, and I thought at least we could still be friends even after he left. Sure it would be different, but it's alright, we could still occasionally write emails or catch up, couldn't we? Well, I was wrong. The exchanging of emails probably only happened for the first two weeks after he left, and then it stopped.

Frankly speaking, I haven't talked to the guy for months now. It's like, we suddenly became complete strangers. I wasn't expecting anything, true, but I couldn't help but thinking, I mean, is it that easy for him to forget me? Sorry if I may sound a little self-centered, I don't mean it like that. But okay, I certainly missed him as a friend, if nothing else. Didn't he miss me at all?

Like I said. It really baffles me. "People break up and they forget!" How?

In some scenarios, yeah, sure, you can argue, that on bad breakups, people are supposed to stay clear from each other, because it's harder to be close and it would just remind them of the bad, awful memories. Yeah, I've had that too. My ex and I weren't talking to each other for a good solid 3.5 years before we started being friends again, and now we're fine. Sure, we needed time to get over it, to move on from any bad feelings, and say, well, yeah, I'm ready to be friends with him/her again. It doesn't hurt anymore.

Either way, we still need time, don't we? How could some people move on and forget everything just like that?

Maybe he didn't forget, but he just didn't see the point in continuing to keep in touch when we probably wouldn't ever see each other again. Perhaps. I mean, it's just one example. Generally, I'm like that, though, I can never really forget someone. Hmm, maybe that's why I have a habit of keeping people's text messages in my phone.

I guess it's something I can never ask.

June 27, 2008

Just keepin' it short.

For a while, whenever I feel like seeing movies and nobody seems to be available, I just refuse to see it alone. Probably because I've always found those lonely people, sitting by themselves in the dark cinema, a little bit sad. Don't they have friends? Are they anti-social? Are they smelly? BO issues? Why would anyone wanna go to the movies alone?

I've completely forgotten the whole point of going to the cinema, which is supposedly to watch a movie, alone or not.

But I've never quite grasped the concept, because to me, I'm bound to make comments ('gosh he is hot!', 'that guy looks familiar, does he play in this and that movie?' typically), to wanna see my companion laugh at the same jokes, whatever, but when you're alone, you have no one to talk to. Like I said, it seems sad.

But sis has done it numerous times and even babe urged me to try it sometimes. I believe she even used the word 'theurapheutical' and 'nice'. And both of them aren't sad people. Who knows? Perhaps they're right, perhaps watching a movie alone has a charm to it. A charm that only a few people who are willing to say 'one ticket, please' know about. Hey, have I been missing out?

So yesterday I decided to have a go at it. I have been spending the afternoon in the library for the preparation of my exam tomorrow. (Yes, I spent 10 mins staring into my notes, and the rest of the 3 hours reading a novel instead.) At about 4 I was feeling a bit depressed at the complete silence of the room so I went out to the entertainment centre. I decided I would see a movie alone. Contemplating between Get Smart and Incredible Hulk, I thought the first one would be more entertaining and less depressing, especially to be miserably seen alone.

Even as I queued up in the ticketing counter, I was skeptical, but before I knew it, I have paid and she has handed me the ticket. Oh well. And then the question on popcorn came up. Eating the popcorn by myself? Okay, so I could have had all the salty ones (I can't believe most of my friends prefer sweet! Is this some sort of conspiracy?!) but contrary of my usual watching ritual, I excluded the popcorn and just headed in to face the music.

2 hours later I came out, and the movie wasn't bad, the cinemas was neither that empty nor full, but well, I came to this resolution.

I don't like watching movie ALONE!!!!!

And that's in capital letters just to mark my point!

Barely at the start of the movie when Masi Oka appeared and people were gasping 'Hiro!' I wanted to roll my eyes so badly and if I have had my sister beside me, I would have mocked them endlessly, and I wouldn't have laughed by myself too in some of the scenes, and the part when Steve Carrell was pinned down in the plane, I would have made a remark that the scene reminded me of Harold and Kumar,..and okay, fine, so I'm a selfish talker who speaks during movie!

And after the movie ended, I would have asked my companion to rate it, but the only object I could ask was my handbag. And she wasn't that talkative. So I concluded that I'm not the 'going to cinema' alone type. I'm saying 'going to cinema' because I have watched movie alone at home before and it wasn't as bad. So perhaps the secret lies in the cinema.

What the hell?! Why am I debating over this?

But yeah, there it is, the resolution of the day. Can anyone relate or is watching movie in the cinema for you can be 'theurapheutical' too sometimes?

Stuck and A Plan in Motion

Just as you go through phrases in life, sometimes I find myself 'stuck'. No, I'm not talking about anything heavy here. Please, I'm having too much of a blonde moment right now to be worrying about my uncertain and bleak future, blah blah blah.

I'm referring to my absence in writing. Hey, there's a thing called 'writer's block' for a reason, isn't there? My creativity is scarce like a drop of water in the desert. Let alone composing a barely readable post, I can't even make a decent structured sentence without hurting my head. Something is obviously wrong, but I think to myself that I might easily just be having one of those rough patches in one's unprofessional credential.

Gimme a break.

Is it possible to suddenly run out of ideas? It is, right? Afterall, I've spent so much time in the past writing bollocks out of nothing. There's a chance I simply have just exhausted all my life's worth of words and opinion. Well, at least for the time being that seems to be the case. (Because otherwise, it's too grim of a reality to imagine. My look is just what I have left after I win people over with my personality.)

I'm fairly certain it will eventually come back to me, out of the blue and unexpectedly. There's a phrase about that, right? That, um, things work out in the most unexpected ways?

Ah, well, I'm just trying to console myself, I guess. And apparently, failing miserably too.

But, I'm taking preventive steps! Well, not necessarily 'preventive', perhaps 'recovery' is a better word. Yes, I'm taking recovery steps to regain my inspiration back. My creativity juice, my chi, my center in life!

I thought, if I could do something out of the ordinary, perhaps that would make a difference. Maybe to avoid being stuck, I should just go in a completely different direction, so I'll always venturing out to new territories. No way I can get stuck there, right?

After I proudly came up with this game plan, I started thinking about, well, the new things I should try doing. Only then did I realize that this idea only works well in theory, and once again, well, remember the blonde moment I was talking about earlier? Yeah, having a major one at the moment.

I was intending to take drastic measures. But within reason, I certainly can't help to find the cure for cancer, or lead the blind, can I?

Left out with nothing much after crossing those two off my list, I realized too that I probably won't be able to learn korean, make pottery, or do rock climbing in foreseeable future.

Anyway, maybe I should start with baby steps. Aim high, shoot low. (Heck, I don't even know what that means to this day.) Make a change within myself, I mean. And what's one thing I've always wanted to change about myself, but never been able to? (due to serious lack of motivation, determination. In short, pure and simply laziness.)

Exercising!

(Not 'stop talking', 'stop writing gibberish' or 'stop partying'. Sorry.)

Yes, working out. 'Working out' and I haven't exactly been friends. We were introduced one time, and we didn't hit it off at all. We had nothing in common, and we didn't talk for the rest of the semester.

Maybe it's time to make amends with this fella. See if we can be good acquaintances at the very least.

Thus, with this new plan in motion, I just came back from a swim, which in itself is a pretty unlikely of me to do at 8 o'clock at night when I normally would have been laying in the couch, munching potato chips.

And also, that's why I went back and forth to the video store a few days ago on foot, which is unlikely too, and I actually enjoyed it. Although, I had a big dinner afterwards. Not that it's the point.

That's also why I planned to do a little hiking this weekend, which is yet to happen, I know, so there's a chance I might back out of it. But fingers crossed I won't! See, I'm taking steps to recovery.

I'm speaking as if I'm a mental patient in a clinic who needs to ehm, recover in quotation mark. No! All I want is to get my inspiration back. (I don't know what's the connection between those two, but let's just say there is one. I'm forcing it.) Afterall, if yoga is indeed relaxing and can help you to reduce stress, then why wouldn't it work in any other ways, right?

Swim and you'll be inspired! Jog and voila! You study better! Etc, etc, etc.

The things I do to be able to write again...Now that's the spirit, my friend! See, even writing about wanting to work out just so I could write again, already helped me to write this entry about that very topic, eh, now I'm confused.

Ah! Better end this now.

I should start working out before I turn completely into someone with no opinion and absolutely nothing interesting to say.

Just sleazy

I hate how sleazy some guys just sound when they invite you to 'come over'. Not that I have a problem with 'coming over' as per se. In fact, sometimes I prefer just hanging out in a friend's house, watching DVDs and eating take-outs because it's a lot more relaxing and cheap that way. Good way to avoid the weekends' crowds.

But you can tell the difference between an invitation to spend a relaxing and stress-free afternoon and just a sleazy invitation to...who the hell knows what.

I hate how disrespectful they sound, and how cheap they make us feel.