Things I'll never say.

Even with my state of always not being able to stick around for too long, I remember each person's quirks, and the memories I shared with them is dearly precious to me. It may sound slightly hypocritical, but I can really relate to what Celine said in the movie Before Sunset.

"I mean, I always feel like a freak because I'm never able to move on like...this. You know. People just have an affair, or even..entire relationship. They break up and they forget! They move on like they would have changed a brand of cereals! I feel I was never able to forget anyone I've been with.

I think it's the same with people. I see in them little details, so specific to each other, that move me, and that I miss, and..will always miss."

It's true. To me, for every failed relationships, even when my feelings were no longer there anyway, it didn't mean that I wasn't sad when they ended. I still needed time to miss the other person. I'm baffled at how sometimes it takes just a heartbeat for the other person to just, forget everything.

Early this year I was seeing someone, and even though yes, we both knew it wasn't gonna go anywhere, and that we shouldn't have had any expectations at all, because the end was inevitable, but still. Maybe I was simply being a girl for hoping. After all, we had so much fun together. I kept thinking to myself though, who am I kidding? Don't be stupid, you're supposed to be an adult about this.

It turned out exactly like what we've seen coming all along. He had to leave, and it sucks. I think he was the closest to a real, day-to-day boyfriend I've ever had. At least it was drama-free while it lasted. No long-distance thing, no phone-bill-explosions; just really good, silly times together of meeting each other's friends, watching too many movies, eating in and out, and writing each other dorky text messages everyday.

I mean, I knew it wasn't anything serious, I wouldn't dramatize the situation by saying that I fell for him, or that I was completely crushed that he left, because I didn't, and I wasn't. It sucks, yes. I really missed him at first, it's like I've lost a really good friend. He's been there for many months and suddenly I couldn't just ask him to come out for a movie night, or for a late-night prata supper.

But I kept my emotions in check, and I thought at least we could still be friends even after he left. Sure it would be different, but it's alright, we could still occasionally write emails or catch up, couldn't we? Well, I was wrong. The exchanging of emails probably only happened for the first two weeks after he left, and then it stopped.

Frankly speaking, I haven't talked to the guy for months now. It's like, we suddenly became complete strangers. I wasn't expecting anything, true, but I couldn't help but thinking, I mean, is it that easy for him to forget me? Sorry if I may sound a little self-centered, I don't mean it like that. But okay, I certainly missed him as a friend, if nothing else. Didn't he miss me at all?

Like I said. It really baffles me. "People break up and they forget!" How?

In some scenarios, yeah, sure, you can argue, that on bad breakups, people are supposed to stay clear from each other, because it's harder to be close and it would just remind them of the bad, awful memories. Yeah, I've had that too. My ex and I weren't talking to each other for a good solid 3.5 years before we started being friends again, and now we're fine. Sure, we needed time to get over it, to move on from any bad feelings, and say, well, yeah, I'm ready to be friends with him/her again. It doesn't hurt anymore.

Either way, we still need time, don't we? How could some people move on and forget everything just like that?

Maybe he didn't forget, but he just didn't see the point in continuing to keep in touch when we probably wouldn't ever see each other again. Perhaps. I mean, it's just one example. Generally, I'm like that, though, I can never really forget someone. Hmm, maybe that's why I have a habit of keeping people's text messages in my phone.

I guess it's something I can never ask.

"Accent"

I get very shy and uncomfortable everytime people compliment me for my accent.

I don't think I have an accent, and thus, I tend to not know how to react or respond to these compliments simply because they don't feel right.

Obviously if let's say, I'm warm and friendly in real life and you say, "You're so cold like an ice queen!" I'd know how to reply back because it's clear that you're mocking me. Or, I can gracefully say thank you if people ackowledge this fact as a positive thing.

But, when it comes to the way I speak, it's neither good nor bad, because it's really not actually an anything. And so, getting comments about it makes me feel awkward, I never know how to take it.

Of course, the subject itself is really not a big deal, so why even think about it? Because of a few reasons.

I met a couple of new friends the other day, I didn't even get the chance to really talk much with each of them because it was a big group. At one point, one of them exclaimed, "Hey! I really like your accent!" Another friend replied in agreement and my friend said, "Yes! I like it too!" They smiled their wide grins at me and the only thing I could say was, "eh..thank you" shyly. I suddenly was at loss of words.

I only met these girls maybe, one time before that night. Later, another friend joined in. I've never known her before, and just as we were about to depart and call it a night, she said so about my accent too. Correction, my so-called accent, because I don't even know I have one.

They continued to discuss it as if I wasn't there, saying I sound white. "Her english is totally white-english. Like hearing a white person talk!"

It got me thinking whether it's that obvious that I sound a certain way. My supervisor in the company I worked in before thought I studied in America after just 5 minutes of brief conversation in the pantry. Random strangers, taxi drivers, people in clubs said so a lot too.

I don't agree that I do speak like white, because another time some people thought I sound Philipino, a mix between Indian and Philipino, and other random countries you can think of. It's weird.

My english teacher for many years taught me british english because she had british accent. I watched a lot of american television and movies. My sister has a crisp, clear, sophisticated american accent. My dad has indonesian-english all the way, but he spoke fluent japanese when he was young. I wonder, when exactly did I develop a certain habit of pronouncing words, of sounding a certain way, or having what we call accent.

In this age, can we still change the way we speak? Can we still be influenced by our surroundings and people around us? Or have we become the finished product in our designs that nothing else can really change our dispositions? At least, not much?

Yes, we can learn new words and develop new habits (like, now I call people 'dude' and say 'you know' an awful lot, and I don't remember doing that years ago), but I never paid that much attention to the way I speak that I don't really know if we can teach ourselves to sound another way, especially when we're already adults.

I guess I should just take it as a thing, anyway I can't really change it, so if people acknowledge it, well, then let it just be an acknowledgement. Like, having a small nose, and chubby cheek. It's just the way it is.

What about you? Have people ever commented on your accent? If so, what do they think about it?