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Tuesday, 10 November 2009

Fat. And a plan.

I probably don't need to remind you of how fat I've become these past few months. I'm not saying I'm fat, like in fat fat, but the fact is, I am getting fatter. I have people around me who constantly tell me that I look fine, that a little curves here and there wouldn't hurt, and true, I don't want to become one of those girls who look like sticks, like their arms are gonna break within the slightest touch or a blow of wind.

No, I don't wish to be skinny, but I do want to lose a few pounds because I have been gaining weight recently, and I notice the difference in the size of my arms and thigh, particularly. Yes, every now and then, an old friend who hasn't seen me in a few years would comment, "hey, you look chubbier now.." but that's not the reason why I want to lose weight. (because there's nothing left of my ego to lose. Kidding!)

Oh, but you know what. Maybe I should show you with a picture. Now, kids, look away now, and guys, in case you're eating when you see this, I recommend you to finish your meal first. Don't say I didn't warn you.

Seriously, now. Now I really have no ego left.

And that picture is probably suitable for a fattening pill commercial. Although, I don't think there is such thing. The first picture was taken three years ago, and I have to say, that was the shortest shorts I have ever worn. It's so short, it looks as if I barely had any pants on.

I still have that shorts, but now the police probably would have to shoot me first before I get to wear that out again. I can't imagine how many people I might traumatize and corrupt with that sight.

The "after fattening pill" picture was just taken last Sunday on my outing to the beach. Yes, similar occasion, same beach even. But look at my arms and thigh! That shorts wasn't even nowhere as short as the first one, yet my thigh looked like it was ready to jump around everywhere. I could barely contain it in place. Same case with my arms, which is probably twice the size of the original form.

Does that look healthy to you?! Curves in your hips, yeah, that's awesome, but not in your arms and thigh, I don't think so!

So I started to pick up running these days, and you would know how uncharacteristic of me to wanna run since I hate sweating and I hate sports even more. But I surprise myself by actually enjoying it. Well, at least as far as doing sports goes. I would still rather choose lazing around in my couch than going running, are you kidding? But I mean, it's good to be a little more active too, and I found the perfect track and place to run which is not far from my apartment.

Interesting thing about it, yeah, I get to run and stay healthy and hopefully shred a few pounds in the process, but there's something else that comes with the territory everytime I go running at my favorite place: people-watching.

I normally run in the evening around 6, and I started noticing the same people who always run at that time too, and it's like, there's this unspoken acknowledgment among us. And the people are always very interesting and diverse. There's this indian girl who looks like she's about to train for marathon or something judging by the intensity of her work-out, a chinese uncle who sweats like no other, I can almost see the sweat dripping like a faucet, two teenage boys who always run side-by-side and never missing a beat like siamese twins, an old couple who stroll in the track so slowly like the entire place is theirs. And then there's me. A girl who looks like she's about to pass out anytime.

One time during last week when I was running, I passed this chinese man in bicycle and he shouted, "Jia you!" at me, which means "good luck" in english. Not that I don't appreciate his encouragement or anything, but I wonder, I must have looked beyond stupid for him to say that. I was panting and running in such a pathetic pace.

But hey, at least he didn't call me a fatty.

But all jokes aside, I really am serious about staying healthy and all that. I still eat like normal, but I just make a point of not consuming too much of anything. I hardly drink soft drinks anymore, and when I used to drink green tea everyday at home, now I make a point to have plain water instead. And I eat apple everyday, try to have more vegetables and salad too, and hopefully I can keep up with running and actually feel better about myself.

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Quotes

There's a hundred million different ways of writing, and it takes you a long time to sort through that stuff. And I think it takes anyone a long time to find a voice.

You must learn to take the good with the bad, the happy with the sad, love what you’ve got and remember what you had. Learn to forgive, but never forget, learn from your mistakes but never regret. People change and things go wrong, but you just have to remember that life goes on.

The day before I’m supposed to be meeting Caroline for a drink, I develop all the textbook symptoms of a crush: nervous stomach, long periods spent daydreaming, an inability to remember what she looks like. I can bring back the dress and the boots, and I can see her bangs, but her face is a blank.

I don't know, I think that if I could just accept the fact that my life is supposed to be difficult. You know, that's what to be expected, then I might not get so pissed-off about it and I'll just be glad when something nice happens.

I can see now I never really committed to Laura. I always had one foot out the door, and that prevented me from doing a lot of things, like thinking about my future and... I guess it made more sense to commit to nothing, keep my options open. And that's suicide. By tiny, tiny increments.

There's a big fucking world out there. It's messy, and it's chaotic, and it's never, never ever the thing you'd expect. It is ok to be scared, but you cannot allow your fears to turn you into an asshole, not when it comes to the people that love you, the people that need you.

Maybe what I'm saying is, is the world might be evolving the way a person evolves. Right? Like, I mean, me for example. Am I getting worse? Am I improving? I don't know. When I was younger, I was healthier, but I was, uh, whacked with insecurity, you know? Now I'm older and my problems are deeper, but I'm more equipped to handle them.

I am nothing special; just a common man with common thoughts, and I've led a common life. There are no monuments dedicated to me and my name will soon be forgotten. But in one respect I have succeeded as gloriously as anyone who's ever lived: I've loved another with all my heart and soul; and to me, this has always been enough.

Later that day I got to thinking about relationships. There are those that open you up to something new and exotic, those that are old and familiar, those that bring up lots of questions, those that bring you somewhere unexpected, those that bring you far from where you started, and those that bring you back. But the most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you can find someone to love the you you love, well, that's just fabulous.

A woman needs to be held, even, and science has shown this, if its with someone she doesn't care about. Protective hormones are released, and the amount of hormones released depends on the degree to which she is held. The first and best is the complete surround. He wraps you in both arms, whispers how beautiful you are. Second best is the 'arm around.' He is next to you but with one arm around you. Third is he's just next to you on his elbow, but he rests his hand on your stomach and looks at you. Fourth is you snuggling up to him with your head on his chest, while he looks away into space. But when the first best happens, you feel completely, wonderfully like a woman.

So, so what, so fuck off, go home, leave you alone? I'll tell you something Paul, there isn't anything that I've wanted for eighteen years, cause I was a kid eighteen years ago. And if I did still want the same things I'd think I'd gone wrong somewhere, because actually I don't want to marry David Cassidy, I don't want bigger tits, I don't want to do better on my marks. I've stopped worrying about that kind of thing and maybe you should try.

Well maybe there's a big bit of you that's gone missing somewhere, maybe everyone should want something they've always wanted.

Why is it that adults aren't supposed to go mad about anything? You gotta keep a lid on it. And if you don't then people are apparently entitled to say what they like. "You haven't grown up. You're a moron. Your conversation is trivial and boorish. You can't express your emotional needs. You can't relate to your children." And you die, lonely and miserable. But you know, what the hell, every cloud has a silver lining.

I just woke up one morning and didn't feel the same way. Where did it go? It was like there had been a lot of food on a plate in front of us, and we ate it all really quickly, and then there was nothing left. Maybe that's how couples stay together: they're not greedy. They know that what they have in front of them has to last a long time, so they kind of pick at it. I hope it's not like that, though. I hope that when people are happy together, it feels as though someone keeps piling seconds and thirds on their plates.

That is what I have learned: Sex is destructive. Love is nothing to be fooled with. I learned that I was dangerous, not to be trusted. I wondered if my parents were right, with all of their stiff lovelessness. Maybe they knew better. My parents don't dole out love for the deserving or the undeserving. I was learning that love could cost me.

You could say all you liked about reason and logic and common sense and imagination, but when the chips were down, the one skill you needed was the ability to think about absolutely nothing whatsoever.

There is a comfort in never making an effort, but it's a lonely comfort. What keeps you going is the knowledge that you're only playing with only four cards showing. But when you see other people succeeding with their mediocre hands, you have to make a decision. If you turn over that final card you're certain of victory, but it also means you have nothing in reserve.

I’d gone through life believing in the strength and competence of others; never in my own. Now, dazzled, I discovered that my capacities were real. It was like finding a fortune in the lining of an old coat.

Maybe we all live life at too high a pitch, those of us who absorb emotional things all day, and as mere consequence we can never feel merely content: we have to be unhappy, or ecstatically, head-over-heels happy, and those states are difficult to achieve within a stable, solid relationship.