Today

So here's the irony. Most times, you wouldn't know how good you have it, until you lose it. But by then, it's probably way too late to do anything.

I have my regrets when it comes to a lot of things. I'd like to think that I could learn from those mistakes, and I'm a better person because of it. Who knows, really, though? Maybe I'd turn out okay too without ever making mistakes, and thus, the things you have sacrificed seem to just die in vain, because the changes aren't even in monumental proportion or anything anyway. Is the sacrifice worth it? The guilt and the hard times you've gone through to, supposedly, come to this point and learn your lessons from these experiences?

I don't know. I'm having a bittersweet feelings today because it's your birthday.

Yeah, so I might have realized that I'm actually a lot stronger than I thought. Maybe I've grown to be more mature, and wise. Maybe I've thought more about my actions before actually doing them. Maybe I'm more cautious, reserved and careful. And as good as these things may be, it's not a fair comparison to everything we've been through until this point.

It's not fair. What's wrong with thinking I'm not that strong, anyway? I can live with that, can't I?

It's not easy, and it's still a struggle. So many things, memories, dates, occasions, places and time remind me of you. And I can't help feeling that I've failed somehow.

If there's only a way for me to know that you're doing good now, that maybe this is for the best, then maybe I can be content and forgive myself. But it's simply not possible. People say we just gotta have faith. But when it comes to you, I don't know I can still believe that.

You know what we would have done today, just like every other birthdays we had in the past? Drove up to this one place we always went to, and had fancy dinner as a family. I miss that.

The things I might have learned after you're gone? What are they even for?

waiting

*keeping my fingers crossed for a lot of things*

Hope is a good thing, isn't it?

fat fat fat!

Reason why I don't do this more often when I'm taken picture.

My cheeks are ginormous!!!!

Honestly looks like I'm choking on two apples in my face.

Ah, I don't know. I keep telling myself I need to cut down my snacking and go running more! I know I should!

Happy Pact and Quotes

I know I've been a complete mellow case these past few days, and I don't like it at all. I'm making a pact to myself, that I'm gonna stay positive and be rid of all unnecessary worries and troubles. We're young, might as well have as much fun as we can.

So my otherwise unwise friend turned very wise on me this morning. She pasted me a series of quotes to further elaborate her point that I should, well, just be happy! It's in Indonesian though, so the gist are these.

♥ We were born with two eyes in front, because we're supposed to look ahead, not at what was in the past.

♥ We were born with two ears, one on the left and the other on the right, so we could hear from both sides, from both perspectives. To hear both compliments and criticism, and listen to what's right, and what's wrong.

♥ We were born with a brain, that is hidden in our head, so that no matter how poor we are, we are still rich. Noone could steal what's inside our brain. And that's a lot more precious than any kinds of diamonds.

♥ We were born with two eyes, two ears, but only one mouth. Because mouth is a weapon which could hurt, and even kill. It's better to do less talking, but more seeing and listening.

♥ We were born with one heart, that always reminds us. To appreciate and love sincerely. Learn to love and appreciate being loved, but don't expect anyone to love us in the same way we love them.

♥ Give love without hoping anything in return, and you'll find that life is actually a lot more beautiful.

I was so inspired that I almost felt like a fool for even thinking about such trivial thing as someone. Truth is, why bother worrying about it all? Don't we all our entire adulthood to worry about such things? I'd like to think I'm still a kid. =p Okay, young. *smiley!*

So that's just a little carrot joke to end this glorious post. ♥

Hi, Books

Hi internet!

Again, I'm late in posting, I know, blah blah. I was just back from Jakarta last night with my sister, and what a great weekend it has been! We made it there especially to 'rescue' our beloved books, 'cos well, okay, if you've been to my house back in Jakarta, you'd know we have an entire room for library where we keep all of our books, comics, magazines, encyclopedias and everything readable ever since we were, 2 years old. Surely right around that.

So, you could probably imagine how massive the amounts are. Yeah, 'cos we're proud nerds, that's why. Most of our books are in top-notch condition, because aside from yeah, we're nerds that way, we're very protective of our books especially. We treat them with such gentleness and affection like they're real people. And we didn't manage to bring them all the way here to Singapore when we first moved because there wasn't enough space here. Besides, we would still be able to read them every time we go back.

But now, well, we're planning to sell our old house. Planning being the emphasized word as it will take a long time to really make it happen, I think. The house holds a very sentimental value to us, and there are still so many things there we have to sort through and it has yet to happen since we're away. But either way, since we definitely wanna keep our books anyway, it's better to slowly bring them here to our apartment in Singapore. And boy, don't we have tons of 'em!

I was shocked to find our luggage which we have filled with our best books and comics weighed 40 kg at the airport! And it was just our first choice. Afraid it might have been too much, we sorted our books into the first and second priority and decided to just bring the second priority books at a later time when we go home next! I really didn't think we carried that much, but apparently books are heavy, geez.

Yeah, but that said, we still do have more books back home we'd hope to bring next time around. Although now, I'm pretty darn happy and giddy already with getting my hands on these books again. Nerd alert!

Sis and I at our living room back home.

This weekend we're gonna head to IKEA to shop for bookcases because now our precious books are still safely tucked in the luggage since we have nowhere to put 'em....yet!

Oh! Don't you just love shopping for bookcases?!! So happy!

insatiable

I need something more.

Sisters

They're the people who know all my flaws (believe me, they are more than many), and still love me anyway.

I'm constantly reminded of how blessed I am to call them my sisters.

Maybe it's all in my head.

So you think you can just stroll into my life, play me around and expect me to shake your hands in gratitude and be okay? Have you any heart?

I don't understand how you could just treat me like I actually matter to you in one day, and completely change the next day? Don't you see how vulnerable I've made myself when it comes to you?

Maybe you never did say the words, but nothing is always concrete. Read between the lines. If that's the case, then perhaps I simply think too much, and you can blame me for being a fool.

Am I? I suppose I am. After our gives-and-takes, the numerous times I was certain I mustn't be imagining things because you can't possibly be this sweet to everyone, and the way you seemed to understand me effortlessly, am I really this naive?

So maybe this is all in my head? Yeah, I don't regret it. But if there's one thing I can say, I guess I have to admit how foolish I've been to trust you this much, to give away so much with so little received.

I don't blame you, though. I wish I can be mad at you, but honestly, I can't. Everyone's different, right? I thought what we had was rather special, I thought you didn't share your dreams and passions to anyone else, and I guess I will never know.

Aside from feeling like a complete moron, I...I don't really know what else to do.

"If your heart's not in it, I don't want it for a minute," isn't that what some song says? Don't lead me to believe you care, when you don't. It's mean.

A little something for the mellow souls

All the right senses in all the wrong places
So yeah, we're going down
They've got all the right moves in all the wrong places
So yeah, we're going down

Just paint the picture of a perfect place
They've got it better than what anyone's told you
They'll be the King of Hearts, and you're the Queen of Spades
And we'll fight for you like we were your soldiers

I know we've got it good
But they've got it made
And the grass is getting greener each day
I know things are looking up
But soon they'll take us down
before anybody's knowing our name.

They've got all the right senses in all the right places
So yeah, we're going down
They've got all the right moves in all the right places
So yeah, we're going down

They said, everybody knows, everybody knows where we're going
Yeah, we're going down
They said, everybody knows, everybody knows where we're going
Yeah, we're going down

Do you think I'm special?
Do you think I'm nice?
Am I bright enough to shine in your spaces?
Between the noise you hear
And the sound you like
Are we just sinking in an ocean of faces?

It can be possible that rain can fall,
Only when it's over our heads
The sun is shining everyday, but it's far away
All the world is dead.

They've got,
They've got all the right senses in all the right places
So yeah, we're going down
They've got all the right moves and in all the right places
So yeah, we're going down

They said, everybody knows, everybody knows where we're going
Yeah, we're going down
They said, everybody knows, everybody knows where we're going
Yeah, we're going down

It doesn't matter what you see.
I know I could never be
Someone that looks like you.
It doesn't matter what you say
I know I could never face
Someone that could sound like you.

All the right senses in all the right places
So yeah, we're going down
They've got all the right moves in all the right places
So yeah, we're going down

Cera-ism

So cool things have been happening.

Or not. Dad's in town, and we're planning to celebrate his birthday (which was like, last week already!) this weekend, so we'll see what dorky plan we're gonna have in store for poor Daddy...

I know I haven't been writing much at all. I've been meaning to, but seems to get sidetracked every time. I guess the highlight of these last few days is just,

a) I realized I'm so in love with Michael Cera.

b) I started seeing his short films on the internet, which made me fall in love even more with him.

c) I just saw Paperheart yesterday, and man, he's just super adorable.

Any guess what's the common subject on those three things? Okay, I'm a dork. Michael Cera is such a cutie, though! I like his geekiness and his awkwardness, somehow all of 'em are very endearing.

But just because I put his picture as my profile picture on Facebook doesn't mean I've undergone a cross-gender transformation, okay! I have to remain as girl so I can seduce him when I do meet him in person. When and/or if. A girl can dream.

I can't stand the cuteness!

Other than that I guess I've just been hanging out with friends and catching movies. It's raining now here, so I'm feeling kinda lazy.

But I'm gonna see Inglorious Basterds next week and I'm so pumped about it!

this post doesn't even need a title. lame-o!

Heya all. And happy Saturday.

I thought I'd post something silly for a start (because my life's boring right now and I have no material to write about.) What was I doing in that picture? Well, I don't know. Trying to look like that dead fish right there? Oh, I don't know, man. This is stupid. Okay, I don't even know why I took that picture, okay? Forget it.

So, yeah. Now what? I have nothing much to say at all, actually. I'm feeling pretty good today, we just had homemade lunch while watching Duplicity on DVD, and now I'm just chilling.

I got a feeling...wooohooo...that tonight's gonna be a good night! That tonight's gonna be a good, good night!

Eh, no, I'm not quoting any song, I genuinely feel that way! Even the 'woohooo' part. Yeah. I don't know if I've mentioned this, but tonight we're gonna go to Timbre over by the Arts House. I'm very excited because one, I've never been there, two, the live music there is supposed to be awesome, and three, well, what's three? Good food, good drinks? Can't a girl just be excited for a night out without having to have reasons, geez!

Yep, so after this entry, I'm gonna post the pictures from the night. And this is officially the lamest post ever.

now this is real blacking

Hey ho! hahah I am merely calling u a ho cuz I am trying to teach you more black words babe. No hard feelings, right bitch? ;) LOL it would be hilarious if you were really trying to be all black... like get all gansta and shit, trying to wear bandanas and pants wayyyy too big for u haha maybe get you some bling, a bigass clock and some gold chains haha now I know what to get you for yo birthdayyyy :-p

Anyway ho how u been? Enjoyin the house to yoself? Had some badass parties up in yo crib and shit? Hope so, you better tell this pimp all about it yo :)

freak

I think I'm kind of a neat freak.

Okay, so my room may not be sprinkling clean all the time, in fact I can be pretty messy in that department, but I'm a neat freak in other areas.

Like, when it comes to writing. And paper, and colors, and space, text alignment. When I work and do assignment, I have to do it my way, and I'm very particular about it. I know exactly what font I want to use, and it's gonna bug me all night if I know the space isn't right, or the alignment isn't neat.

Journals - I write in a certain method, and I won't have it any other way. All the writings I do in this blog, it appears so because I want it to look exactly like that. The size, the picture placement, the background, theme, and even just a little thing like, not having even a little excess space where it won't serve any function at all.

It bothers me to no end if my blog or multiply site look 'messy', and it bugs me even more when I can't find the right theme for it. Because every now and then, I like to change the background just for fun, but that means I have to look for another theme where everything else will still come into place and look as neat as before. Changing the theme means changing the font, the picture, the size, and every other things in the blog, including the midgets and how they are placed. I sometimes spent hours and hours just changing to a new theme after another because nothing satisfied me yet, and I wouldn't stop, literally, until I found the 'one'. I just can't let it go.

True enough, I'm very particular about my writings as well, especially the appearance of it when I write in a notebook. I have to have the right color of pen, the right line to start my sentences in a way that it looks best. I think I freak myself out sometimes, by how 'organized' and 'tidy' I am. Friends have always been borrowing my notes ever since elementary school.

Suddenly feel like rambling about this because I just spent the last 15 mins or so changing and 'repairing' the alignment texts in my 'the best' entry. It looks good now, so I'm happy. Funny how such simple thing nobody seems to care about, could mean so much to me. Fonts? Text alignments? Dork.

memories of you

So I was on my way back a couple of nights ago after a movie-night with my friend, and I was just on the bus, quiet and empty because it was late. Bored, I took out my phone and started playing with it. I have about 158 messages in my inbox now, as we speak, and probably about a hundred of them were old messages.

The oldest was dated January 23, 2007, followed by a couple texts from the same year and last year, but there are a handful of messages from early this year that I haven't managed to delete. To be fair, I would still have a lot more old messages than that if I didn't change my phone the beginning of this year, so in result I lost a lot of messages which otherwise I would still keep.

Why, you ask? Call me sentimental, I just have a habit of not deleting nice messages, however old they may be. And not just text messages, I have a lot of letters, gifts, photos from eons ago that I still cherish to this day too. But text messages are the easiest to store and to look back on. Ask me if you can borrow my brand new, expensive shoes that I haven't even worn before, and I would gladly let you. But ask me to delete one message from old friend I have lost contact with (who probably has forgotten my name, face, and wouldn't care shit whether I'm still alive or not), and I wouldn't be able to.

Seriously, though, why? I don't know, why do you ask me back? I'm supposed to ask you for answers. But, going back to a few nights ago, yeah, I was in the bus and I started reading old messages from one particular person. I got really close to this person for many months, but now we hardly talk at all. The messages brought melancholic smile to my face, because they reminded me of a lot of things we shared and time we spent together and all of those are precious. These messages symbolized memories, and I think I could still remember where I was or what I was feeling at the exact time I got these messages. I couldn't help but reminiscing.

I was so engrossed, and I was slightly daydreaming, I guess, because the next thing I knew, I have alighted the bus even when it wasn't my stop yet. As soon as I got off, I realized. I still had a few more bus stops to go, but at that state, I didn't really mind the walk, so I did. It was quite a distance but I felt nice somehow. And the air was cool, there were hardly any noises, so after I've hungrily read all the messages until there were no more texts to read (the last one I still remember, I was at the airport on my way back to Jakarta, and you thanked me for every moments we spent together, and that you wouldn't ever forget me. Sure, words are cheap, aren't they?), I put on the headphone and blasted on the music as I made my way home.

I know, to look at it positively, I should just be glad that I have all these memories and wonderful times, and of course I am. Memory is a wonderful thing if you don't have to deal with the past, right? Why can't I look at everything as just a great memory, without anything else entails? There needn't be a follow-up, or a continuation. Instead, this is the end of the story, with just all the good stuffs. Wouldn't that make everyone happier?

And knowing that it's out there, at least something, or someone, who has been able to make me feel that way, make me experience the day-to-day happiness from the simplest gestures and the simplest phone calls everyday, that is precious. It reminds me that we shouldn't settle for anything less.

I'm not even talking about relationships, or love, because they're too cheesy and forced, we can call it whatever we want. I'm saying, that yes, some people in our lives are just meant to pass us by, so when we look back, I hope instead of being sad, we can really just be happy for their presence while it lasts. I know it's hard, I'm still learning too.

Having said that, still I don't think I will erase these old messages anytime soon because they help me remember something's out there.

friends are what will matter in the end

"Good times we'll share again, makes me wanna dance. Say it loud and proud"

"My dream is to fly over that rainbow so high..."

"On the stereo, listen as we go, nothing's gonna stop me now"

"Life is a paradise. Oooh yeah!"

Okay, so I'm just being random with all these song lyrics. They just suddenly pop into mind. Janet Jackson, Yves Larock, Phantom Planet and Ace of Base, that is.

So these are just a few pictures that I edited from last weekend's beach outing. That was a great day!

the best!

(500) Days of Summer is not a love story. It is a story of boy meets girl", begins the wry, probing narrator, and with that the film takes off at breakneck speed into a funny, true-to-life and unique dissection of the unruly and unpredictable year-and-a-half of one young man’s no-holds-barred love affair.

I am so in love with this.

This film far surpassed my expectation, and boy, didn't I have high expectation. I have been looking forward to see this, probably since early of this year. And I had to wait all this time (plus, having to hear my US friend boast about how awesome this movie was a couple months ago, when I could say nothing but 'you lucky bastard!')

Seriously, though, I could make a list of the things that I love about this movie, but you all should see it yourself! And I'm sure you're gonna report back to me with nothing but exceedingly great reviews!

I'm so happy!

random pictures

I haven't gotten the rest of the pictures from the beach outing last weekend, so I can't post those here yet, but here are some really random pictures, which may not interest you at all.

Anyway, my friend asked me to take a picture with me wearing the I LOVE SD shirt he got me a couple months back, but since I had no one in the house to help me take, I resorted to my own webcam, which doesn't really have the best quality resolution, I guess that part is obvious.

At least you can see the words on the shirt, which is really the point in all this, right? You don't need to see me because you're damn bored of me already, and you don't really care about the picture quality because it's not like you wanna print it out and count the freckles on my face. You just wanna see the shirt, I got it.

So the original picture from the webcam is this.

Which is really quite bad, with all the blurriness and the dim lighting, you can barely tell it's me, so I took it to the picture editor to make it slightly more presentable.

Okay, so apparently I'm no good at this either, all I did was adjust the contrast and mirror the image and create reflection. Big deal.

But I just like playing around and messing with different photo editing websites 'cos each of them offers different things. Like this pinkish tone.

It's so much fun in a dorky kinda way.

Anyhow. I guess you don't need to ask about how I feel about the beautiful San Diego? =)

If

I really love this.

If freckles were lovely, and day was night
And measles were nice and a lie wasn't a lie,
Life would be delight, -
But things couldn't go right
For in such a sad plight
I wouldn't be I.

If earth was heaven and now was hence,
And past was present, and false was true,
There might be some sense
But I'd be in suspense
For on such a pretense
You wouldn't be you.

If fear was plucky, and globes were square,
And dirt was cleanly and tears were glee
Things would seem fair, -
Yet they'd all despair,
For if here was there
We wouldn't be we.

it's all about choices.

So this is what I'm thinking. You know, how you seem to always want the one thing you can't get? Or, you want something even though you know it's literally, bad for you? Why do we do that, I wonder? Having desire about one thing that is absolutely wrong for you. You know it, everyone else knows it.

My initial reaction is to go away, and to avoid it at all cost. But maybe human does have a self-destructive nature in one way or another. Or maybe it's just me, I don't know. I just can't get rid of it, it's almost like, I want to be hurt. Like, I'm even asking for it.

I've been there before, and I've been in that position where I ignored all common sense and got what I wanted simply because it felt good for a little while. But there was never a plan for something solid, stable. As soon as I got it, I regretted it because after some time, it didn't do either of us any good anyway.

So I should have known better. But now I feel like I'm back there again. My common sense is telling me to bolt as fast as I can, and I'm trying to, believe me.

I think I know what I want, and what I don't. And there's no point in pursuing something when you already see the expiration date.

twisted dream

So if you follow me on Twitter, you must have heard about this really twisted dream I had last night. Yeah, last night, literally, so the memory's still all fresh and vivid, thank you very much.

Now, in the dream department, I have experienced some real weird, freaky shits, like once, I dreamed about a bomb explosion here in Orchard Road. I started thinking whether deep inside, I have this violence gene ready to burst out in the open, 'cos normally in real life I'm as harmless as a fly. Maybe it's a way to channel all my insides' anger and frustration. Or, maybe I'm just thinking tad too much. Stop it, dork.

But the dream I had last night certainly topped the twisted-dream list. To give you the shorter version, it involved me being pregnant with well, a child, duh. The father of the child happened to be an old high school friend of mine, which made it even freakier! But anyway, that's not the shocking bit. Anyway, I gave birth, right, yes, my stomach was sliced open and the baby was born, yada yidi yida, big deal. We returned home, and came back to the doctor somehow the next day, and I was told I was pregnant again. Literally, the very next day that I just shot the first child out of my womb.

I woke up and I was so, totally, utterly relieved that I was laying in my bed. Like, it's not even about how biologically impossible that is, but just the thought of being pregnant again absolutely shook me to pieces. So yeah, I guess I don't have to tell you how I feel about kids.

Ugh. Kids. That freaking dream scared the shit outta me.

Pictures from Lantern Festival

Thanks to Cous who took the pictures and miraculously edited them to these perfect states.

The towering Chinese Garden. Pretty in red.

Us at the entrance, in the midst of people.

The tower again, in closer look.

And imagine seeing these lanterns, literally hundreds of them hung around in trees everywhere in the garden area. It's so pretty!

These festivities..You can only find 'em here! =)

a little something to cheer you up

This comic never fails to crack me up.

Weekends : Big Ball of Awesomeness!

So I'm writing this at the library. Before you cast an impressed-glance at me, setting the record straight, no, I'm not studying and I'm not reading intelligent books. Not so impressed anymore, are you?

Well, I'm just fed up at being home so I went over here, simply because I like being in a library. It provides a real me-alone time, which otherwise I seldom have. Especially when you live with your sisters and cousin, not that I'm complaining. But still, sometimes you just wanna be alone, you know? And here, with the trickling water sound, the pure silence, and the endless choice of books, what more can you ask for?

Even though I'm just pretty much doing the same things I would do at home with a computer, (facebook? twitter? blogging?) still the ambience's all different. Anyway, don't blame me, I'm a geek.

So, I thought I'm just gonna write a bit about my weekend, which in short, is just a big pure ball of awesomeness. On Friday night, I met up with my high school friend who just moved in town to work for a couple glasses of Tiger. I met another friend after that for yet another couple glasses of Tiger, seriously, there's only so much beer you can take at one-go. That was slightly..excessive. But it was great, especially seeing an old high school friend whom I haven't seen in over four years.

The next day, I met up with another group of friends at the beach, and it's official! I wanna live by the sea! I totally love being near the water. Being at the beach itself was awesome, but catching up with friends was even better. We took loads of silly pictures and goofed around by playing frisbee and laughing at kids who got stuck in the middle of 'flying fox' ride. The weather was perfect, since it has been cloudy the whole day. It was cold and windy, but definitely better than scorching hot.

Towards late evening, we bid goodbye and my little sister and I went over to meet our older sis and cousin for sushi and tepanyakki dinner. Albeit tired from being outdoor the whole day, on our way home we still stopped by Chinese Garden to see the lantern-festival. The whole place was decorated by hundreds of colorful lanterns, and it was so crowded. I didn't know lantern festival is such a big deal, but hey, anything for anything worth celebrating.

On Sunday, all four of us ventured out to Bedok Reservoir to climb trees. Well, don't you know? Once every blue moon, we have desires to play Tarzan for a day. It's kinda our thing. We don't get enough actions in real life, I suppose. *chuckling* No, actually, my little sister and I were up for something new! My older sister and cousin have been Tarzans once before, so they're slightly more experienced up there in the trees.

Me? I just looked so awkward and out-of-place. It's not my habitat. But I tried, and I finished all obstacles! So I'm damn proud. Even though my whole body ached after that, I finally could scream that trademark-Tarzan's-yell with pride.

Auoooooauuuuauuuuauuu will never sound the same ever again.

Dinner at Bedok was awesome too. I found this really delicious chicken curry that's just super heavenly. It absolutely breaks my heart that I will have to go all the way cross-country to Bedok again just to have that curry.

I have loads of pictures from the weekend, and I'm gonna post them here in the next post!

I still need to write more! It's like, I'm losing all my creative juices these days. I just have a lot on my mind, it's hard to keep up the positivity and upbeat attitude all the time. Who wants to read about depressing stuffs, right?>But I miss all of you! =) Don't give up on me yet! And yeah, the drama-queen is back!

The Bay

Oh man, I really miss this place.

I know I'm getting borderline stalkerish now, with the 24/t telecast and all, but..the things I do to get back here again.

The best!