How little they think of you.

I’m reminded once again on why Before Sunrise franchise is one of my all-time beloved movies. The characters are as real as you and me, and importantly the dialogues really touch me in a way that very few movies can.

When a movie speaks to you on such a personal level, it’s really quite something else. Especially for a hopeless romantic like me who loves words and finds meaning in every little detail. There are so many quotes from the movie that I love so much, but in this instance I would like to share one quote that resonates well with me.

“You know what’s the worst thing about somebody breaking up with you? It’s when you remember how little you thought about the people you broke up with and you realize that is how little they’re thinking of you. You know, you’d like to think you’re both in all this pain but they’re just like “Hey, I’m glad you’re gone.” 

I think it doesn’t just apply to romantic relationship, but also to friendship. You would think that when two people fall apart, we both would suffer the loss equally. But no, that’s not the case.

Sometimes I value my friendship too much, or I put too much expectation to it, I’ll just end up getting disappointed because it turns out that the other person just doesn’t give a fuck.

But then when everything is said and done, and you’re left with the loss of friend.. and you find yourself missing them, and think to yourself that they must miss this friendship too.. well, guess what, they probably don’t.

It’s just like that dialogue from the movie. That’s how little they think of you. And it hurts, it does. But reality hurts, and I’d rather deal with reality, no matter how sucky, than live in daydream illusion that the other person cares.

Memories.

It’s almost been four years.

It’s starting to become a blur, how you usually comb my hair before school. I’m starting to forget how you sound like, how you used to read newspaper in your favorite spot on weekends.

I’m really scared, that I would wake up one day and forget you entirely.

All I have are pictures and memories. So abstract and intangible.

I’m afraid of losing you, and then I realized, that I already did. And then I don’t know how I feel anymore.

Nonsensical rant

I came across this blog post when I was browsing through the internet. The author wrote a response to another blogger who made a list about why being single rules. This was what she said:

Single: You can have sex with whoever you want, whenever you want.
Coupled: You have the best, most intimate, sex ever with one special person.

Single: You have the time to enjoy all the activities you want to do.
Coupled: You enjoy all the activities you want to do with someone else.

Single: You are free to hang out with your friends.
Coupled: You get to hang out with your best friend all the time

Does that mean that single people can’t lead a fruitful, wholesome, fulfilling life? Well, not really. Some of my happiest memories occurred when I was single.

I think what she meant with that list is that it’s important to be able to feel happy on our own. That our happiness won’t depend entirely on someone else. That’s the first thing.

You know, positive, comparative, superlative?

Being with someone whom we love, and if we’re really fortunate, decides to love us back? That just makes things better. It doesn’t mean that things weren’t good to begin with, but it is a different kind of happiness altogether.

I feel like I can really appreciate having dearie in my life now because I'm used to being on my own. Now he is the first person I think about whenever something funny happens at work, whenever I see something good on TV, whenever I just feel like ranting and whining.

It’s an amazing feeling being able to give a little of yourself to someone else. To want to make someone else happy. That our own happiness is not just what matters. That we’re thinking for two now instead of one. It is humbling, yet at the same time, so full of joy and happiness beyond description.

I’ve always made a mistake for being so negative before when it comes to relationships. I always have that thought in the back of mind that it wouldn’t last. That somehow I would get bored or he would screw it up, or I would screw it up or any 101 other possible scenarios.

I feel really positive now though. I allow myself to hope, to see that maybe this one would be different, that it would last.

You know what? I’m not going to jinx it by being overly dreamy about it (even though I can’t help it because things are going so perfect), but I guess I just want to say this one thing.

If (and this is a big IF that I hope won’t ever happen) somehow things don’t work out with me and dearie in the end, there won’t come a time that I regret having him in my life right now. Whatever happens, there's no way.

Back.

This is why I can never have a baby. I have a short attention span. I can't exactly neglect and abandon a baby like I do to my blog and my 101 other hobbies, can I?

I'm sorry in advance that I haven't been writing at all for the past few weeks. Ever since I've been back from my trip back home, I've been a basket case, a PMS kid in horrible mood swings and uncontrollable temper tantrums.

In short, I've been homesick and thus, in no condition to be writing.

Instead, I came back to work in full speed, taking no craps from annoying customers, and did a lot of writings for the company's magazine. I detached myself from personal life for a while as a way to deny reality and the fact that I was feeling so unmotivated and slightly lethargic.

It's been almost three weeks and I'm feeling a little better. But I wonder, why is it that nothing really excites me anymore these days?

I long for the days when I look forward to the next day, knowing I would do something useful. Or, when I spend an hour or two getting ready for a date because I'm so excited.

Is it a matter of the job which doesn't give me the mental stimulation, or is it me, who simply is going through a dry phase? I don't know, maybe a little of both.

As if to compensate for the lack of fighting spirit, I'm throwing myself to work even deeper these days. I know, that doesn't make any sense, but it happens.

Come to think of it, I've been in a committed relationship with my job for 8 months now. Eight! I know it doesn't seem that long, but it is! If I were seeing a man, this would be the time when I started getting a rash.

But I guess that what being committed essentially is. So I'm going to tough it up, grow up, act like an adult and brace the storm.

Stop

I'm scared that I'm not good enough for you. I'm scared that you see my many imperfections. I'm scared that I'm not worth keeping.

You're afraid that I may look somewhere else. You're afraid your sense of humour is beginning to bore me. You're afraid I'm never going to let you in.

Can we just drop our worries and fear and stop thinking for a second? And who knows, we might have gotten somewhere.

no crying over spilled milk.

I have given you plenty of chances and extended a hand if you ever needed it.

But to be honest, I’m getting a little tired. Besides, it shouldn't be this hard.

I probably will never understand why, but maybe that’s alright.

You've made it perfectly clear anyway.

I’d rather focus on the people who think that I’m important in their lives.

I’d rather surround myself with those who don’t mind squeezing me in.

You’re not here but it’s okay.

And just so you know, the next move is yours.

no clue.

Usually, I always know where I'm going, what I'm gonna do, what the other person is thinking. That's how I like it.

I wish I knew about you too. But right now, I'm drawing a blank.

Today

So here's the irony. Most times, you wouldn't know how good you have it, until you lose it. But by then, it's probably way too late to do anything.

I have my regrets when it comes to a lot of things. I'd like to think that I could learn from those mistakes, and I'm a better person because of it. Who knows, really, though? Maybe I'd turn out okay too without ever making mistakes, and thus, the things you have sacrificed seem to just die in vain, because the changes aren't even in monumental proportion or anything anyway. Is the sacrifice worth it? The guilt and the hard times you've gone through to, supposedly, come to this point and learn your lessons from these experiences?

I don't know. I'm having a bittersweet feelings today because it's your birthday.

Yeah, so I might have realized that I'm actually a lot stronger than I thought. Maybe I've grown to be more mature, and wise. Maybe I've thought more about my actions before actually doing them. Maybe I'm more cautious, reserved and careful. And as good as these things may be, it's not a fair comparison to everything we've been through until this point.

It's not fair. What's wrong with thinking I'm not that strong, anyway? I can live with that, can't I?

It's not easy, and it's still a struggle. So many things, memories, dates, occasions, places and time remind me of you. And I can't help feeling that I've failed somehow.

If there's only a way for me to know that you're doing good now, that maybe this is for the best, then maybe I can be content and forgive myself. But it's simply not possible. People say we just gotta have faith. But when it comes to you, I don't know I can still believe that.

You know what we would have done today, just like every other birthdays we had in the past? Drove up to this one place we always went to, and had fancy dinner as a family. I miss that.

The things I might have learned after you're gone? What are they even for?

it's all about choices.

So this is what I'm thinking. You know, how you seem to always want the one thing you can't get? Or, you want something even though you know it's literally, bad for you? Why do we do that, I wonder? Having desire about one thing that is absolutely wrong for you. You know it, everyone else knows it.

My initial reaction is to go away, and to avoid it at all cost. But maybe human does have a self-destructive nature in one way or another. Or maybe it's just me, I don't know. I just can't get rid of it, it's almost like, I want to be hurt. Like, I'm even asking for it.

I've been there before, and I've been in that position where I ignored all common sense and got what I wanted simply because it felt good for a little while. But there was never a plan for something solid, stable. As soon as I got it, I regretted it because after some time, it didn't do either of us any good anyway.

So I should have known better. But now I feel like I'm back there again. My common sense is telling me to bolt as fast as I can, and I'm trying to, believe me.

I think I know what I want, and what I don't. And there's no point in pursuing something when you already see the expiration date.

I think. . .

I think I miss you; your memory, the things you say and do, your voice. I wonder if there's someone out there with your laugh.

I don't think about you that much, but every so often you pop into my mind and I allow myself to remember that good part of my life; not just because of you, but what your entire presence symbolized. A much more carefree, less stressful time when I still had a handfull of hope and optimism about everything.

I think most of all, I just miss the way you made me feel.