Man of the Day, Sweet and Low

First of all, congratulations is in order to Ko Davin who will officially be Mr. next week! Yesterday was his bachelor's party and okay, okay, everybody who heard about it wonders, "If it's a bachelor's party, what are you doing in it?!" I have to assure them that I still have my breast intact and none of those genitalia, so let it be! The guy wanted girls in his bachelor's party, why should we question it?

After we put him in Captain Jack's costume (he couldn't stop swaying his long, thick and nasty hair on our direction!) and drew fake mustache with eye-liner (he wouldn't let us line his eyes..what's Captain Jack without the heavy eye-liner, right?!) while restraining his hands from wiping it off, then the drinking began!

Happy bachelor's day, Captain Jack! ;D

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I'm in love with Augustana's Sweet and Low right now and I just keep playing it over and over again I'm pretty sure surrounding neighbors would have thrown raw eggs at me if they could. And that's why walls were invented, supposedly, because it's so not fun sharing things with strangers, and as far as I know, I'm serenading them with this awesome song they should thank me. Where else are they gonna find someone with such delicate taste of music like me?

Politics no more

Exam's done! My Politics, Economy, America and The Future's exam is done! And yep, I just said a mouthful there, sista! Before you assume that I did brilliantly, though, I'm merely celebrating the fact that my studying days are over at least for now and I can bury all these notes on Nixon, Reagan, New Deal and movement conservatives!

How well I did in the exam is totally a different matter and something that I would rather not go into right now. I decided that the only time that I'm gonna start worrying about this, is when I finally get that result slip in my hand, a few weeks from now, not a second earlier and not a second later.

And if I did so exceptionally (I wouldn't hope too much), you will be the first to know, and if I did so poorly (which is highly more likely), well, then by that time you will have forgotten about it and nothing on that subject will be even remotely mentioned, in this blog.

Sounds like a fair deal to me.

Gasp! Fair Deal! Harry Truman! Marshall Plan! Truman Doctrine! Taft-Hartly Act!

I'm such a geek!

The past is still a part of you

Good day, all! I would like to start this entry by posting a nice picture that has been rotten in the corner of my old space on MSN. I love this picture, though, we looked so free and spontaneous (well, hardly, considering we had to count one, two, three, jump! to get the perfect shot) but..oh geez, I love it, leave it at that!

In the spirit of old picture, then, let's make this entry about that.

Three years ago, when I first came to Singapore, my sister and I stayed in a three-bedroom HDB flat in Clementi. It was different, to finally live on my own without the luxury of maids. We shared the flat with two of my sister's friends, S and J, both Malaysians. I can't recall much about them, they were busy people and the only time we really got together was this one night we all played mahjong until morning.

After series of 'skimping so we slept without air-con every night', 'the laundry's pole falling down', and 'the bathroom's door that got stuck everytime', we moved out after one year and ended up....here. You know, they say every kid's first car was always awful, and that way parents taught them to work hard and appreciate better things next time? Yep, it's something like that. Now that I'm in Mayfair,...well, hello!!

Time sure flies, and now another two years have passed. Things changed, new friendships are found. Even an old friend said I looked really different now.

But of course change is bound to happen, right? We move on, we go through phrases.

Like, I hardly see Irene, my best friend for two years, and we're still in the same island! We still talk and we make time to see each other occasionally, but it's just different, you know. Having said that, who knows about the future?

Sis and I were talking one day, and suddenly she said, "Sis, you know, things might be really different some few years down the road..We probably won't even live here anymore."

"Yeah..All's possible..You will be a successful consultant, travelling around, and the only time you will have time for you dearest little sister is between flights!" I joked back.

"Who knows? I might be in some hotel room somewhere and I'll see you on TV...I don't know..Being a presenter or news anchor, or something..."

Right. What's holding us back, right? The prospect is scary and thrilling at the same time.


But it got me thinking. Sis, I know we had our share of differences, we had our moments of frustration towards each other. But no matter how greasy my face looked some years ago, and no matter where we lived in the past, you're there. I didn't mean to write this post about you, but somehow throughout writing it, I remembered our conversation, and okay, you may be right, we might not be in near proximity to each other anymore, and there's a part of me who wants to see how it feels like for I know we're both determined to do something more than just...leading a working life.

I don't know about that yet, but our lives will always be intertwined, and I'd like to think that it's more than just because we're sisters. I hope despite our differences, we are still good friends above everything else.

GOSH! Can you believe how funny we looked back then?!

The Best

Babe,

You're the only one who thought of putting the camera on any solid surface so both of us could fit into the picture.

We made ridiculous faces and laughed so hard for our own silliness, despite people watching us funnily.

You're the best late companion and I'm guaranteed to have good time everytime.

So for that, and so much more, cheers, babe!

Reason why you should just trust yourself

I learnt something today. In the end, when you present something, whether it's a school work, exam or job responsibility, it's all you on the line, not anyone else, and you alone are the one judged for it.

I learnt that I'm the only one I can count on, really. And whether it takes time to trust someone else, the bottom line is, I believe in myself. In certain cases, we might not even have time for the process of trusting others and when it comes down to the important thing, why should we wait?

This is why I've always been skeptical when we're doing group assignments. Of course, I have people I've worked with that were undoubtingly responsible, smart and hardworking as well. The problem is, they don't come by that often.

I've always wanted to have full hands-on even when the tasks were divided, at the end of the day I would want to run by everything and so far it has worked. If we were writing essays, I tried to make sure everyone sent their final drafts to me so I could make last changes and complete everything. You won't believe how some people can't even do such simple thing like making their documents look only decent (problems with font, margins, unorderly and messy arrangements, etc.)

Well, today reminded myself as why I have always had enough reasons to be like this. It's not like I don't trust people, but a lot of times they let you down, and I learn to trust myself more. I won't let myself down and I know best what's good and bad, at least according to my own standard. And I'd like to think that my standard is at least decent.

For this particular subject, the materials were simply too much that some friends and I decided to divide the work among us, and we could just easily exchange notes after we're done with everything so naturally it should have made things a lot easier, right?

Wrong. Because once again, I depended on all the wrong people. And that's the thing. That's the risk that I shouldn't have taken in the first place if there was only a tiny bit of uncertainty that they could very well be unworthy of your trust.

They were just so dissapointing and irresponsible and they drove me mad. It pissed me off!

A week before the exam and you said all this bullshit and I don't even wanna know what your excuse is, I don't wanna listen to any of it.

Fortunately I still have time to do the rest on my own and I should have done it since the beginning. I shouldn't have bothered. Here I thought some people could be trusted.

So, I know better. I have known better and I know even better now. Your best asset is yourself. Rely on it first before you try depending on someone else.

Romance

There's something about wedding that warms your heart, even when you're the cynic Miranda who laughs at the face of romance.

It goes way beyond the beautiful chartered room in the most expensive hotel, beyond the dim flourescent purple lights, the gorgeous decorations and banquet of flowers, beyond the champagne and the lavish eight-course meal.

It's not just seeing the couples in their most beautiful faces, it's not the wedding dress and dear tuxedo.

The moment he opened her veil and the moment they sang 'Valentine' brought smile to my face.

And for this, I wish them all the happiness in the world.

Show us that romance still lives.

One Love, for ourselves

Convince me to please you, Made me think that I need this too, I'm trying to let you hear me as I am, I'm not gonna write you a love song 'cause you asked for it, 'cause you need one..

Am serenaded by Sara Bareilles' Love Song, I love this since I heard it the first time on MTV...

Perhaps I've learnt too, that you can't force love, if it's there then it's there. I used to think feelings could grow, or at least, repulsiveness could turn into neutrality, or tolerable could become...fondness. Surely it works on a certain level, just like time could help the wound heal, but when it comes to the matter of heart?

When I was younger I forced myself into a relationship because I wanted to try how it feels like, now even anyone could tell me straight in the face that it wasn't the right reason but you know, I was young, and he was even younger...What could be better, right?

I think when you get to the point where you don't need to be in love, then you could be in love. You have to just be OK with yourself-and that's a long process.

Perfectly put by Mr. Cusack himself.

It's just not right to be with someone just for the sake of being with someone and just because you're afraid to be alone. The most important thing is you ought to be okay with yourself first.

It's about not minding being on your own when you simply haven't found someone who thinks you scrunching your nose is cute. It's about willingness to say 'no' even when he wants you to say 'yes'. It's about you still being yourself even when every label says 'youandhim'. It's about standing up for yourself when you believe it.

Maybe.

You know you truly care for someone when you always wanna see him happy, and you're willing to make a fool of yourself and crack a really lame joke just to bring a smile to his face. You know you care for someone when everytime he's down and he feels crappy, somehow you feel less than good too, no matter how gorgeous you look that day. You know, when you look good, you feel good? Yeah, well, it doesn't always work that way, does it?

It's not always good, I'm not always on my best behaviour, sometimes I act precious and difficult, and sometimes I'm being immature and unreasonable. And so is the other party.

You can know just as far as he's willing to let you in, and how do you know how much? I'm not talking about my relationship right now in particular, I'm speaking generally. Of course, there were good times and great times, but there were also shitty times and frustrated times, and after a while, I guess you just had to wonder, is this all worth it? If you end up being sad and angry most of the time, then what's the point in keeping the relationship? If it can't make you a happier person, then what's the use?

It's hard to read between the lines, it's hard to keep yourself in check when you give someone yourself. They say we shouldn't give one hundred percent for a relationship, or that perhaps, that you still have to keep your options open. Once you're in it, though, how could you control your feelings? How could you set a percentage point in yourself when it comes to this? It's not as if you can just switch a lever and pick a number, 'ah, for this one only 50 percent, lah..aiya, for this one okay lah, 70 percent enough la..and 30 percent only la for that one, he snores..' Well, that would just make things a lot easier.

But until the day comes, I guess we just have to trust our gut and hopefully, we're still smart enough not to ignore our logic and common sense.

What I'm trying to say is, well, it isn't easy. Perhaps the perfect relationship is supposed to be effortless, I don't know. Maybe the fact that you still wanna stick around even when he's not perfect means something. But it takes two to tango.

The Happening - in my lousy days and the real movie

I'm losing concentration. For almost the entire week last week I've been working on my assignment and it was doing okay, at least I knew I would get it done in time, and probably I have used all my mental energy and motivation on the subject that I simply don't have any more right now. Since I attended the tutorial last Tuesday, I haven't made any progress, maybe even dare I say it, touched these at all. And what, that was three days ago? I'm wasting time but I really can't be bothered, I'm seriously in deep shit.

There are days when you're just so motivated and feeling up-and-running to go work on something, and there's the complete opposite. Piggy days, that's what I call it. I'm hopeless. I'm a disaster!

In an attempt to seriously change the subject. I saw The Happening last night on midnight and from the second row from the screen! Didn't think midnight shows would be that much popular but apparently it is! Main appeal was of course, M.Night Shyamalan, I'm not into the Mark-Wahlberg kind. No, no, I'm just curious and intrigued by the movie. His movies are always full of twists and I need some twist in my life in the midst of all these political talks.



It was creepy! You would spend the first half of the movie wondering exactly what is happening?! Because the exact second the movie started, oh, it was on! People started killing themselves, falling down from the roof, and I was like, fucking hell! What the hell is going on?! They thought it was terrorist attack in the beginning, but it was clear that terrorists wouldn't be able to make you kill yourself or stop dead right on the spot or lose your ability to talk. So the story evolved around this horrific sudden unexplainable events and eventually you knew what caused all this (but after you see some serious scary killings and shocking moments, of course.) Storywise, I still say the Sixth Sense is much better, and this movie lacks the certain charm of twist the Sixth Sense and The Village provided, even Lady in The Water. But suspense-wise, it won't dissapoint. Chilling, thrilling and you'd be left wondering and not knowing what's going on.

Just a piece of my thought. Move on, nothing important. Ha!

Breakaway eventually

These past few days I've been working my ass off on my assignment ('working my ass off' doesn't necessarily mean 'studying non-stop', but rather 'sitting on my ass and half the time getting distracted by facebook, multiply and writing stupid insignificant blog') and I'm roughly done with one assignment and currently doing the second one now. But, I don't wanna get into too much details on that, although otherwise I have nothing much to talk about since that's all I've been doing lately.

Actually something brought me to a realization today: that I hate a person sticking his nose in other people's business. Unfortunately, I'm surrounded by the kinds like it, and there's no way I could get rid of it, it's just right there, making me sick. I wish I could just detach myself and never have to deal with it again.

It just makes me feel even more grateful for him, just for being on my side. My former teammate is no longer here, and it sucks big time giving ex-partner up to an asshole, but I don't feel truly alone because of him and he stands by me everytime. It's a nice feeling, you know?

I've always been sheltered and maybe the reason why I'm not mature enough yet is because I haven't had the chance to. But it's my own fault to begin with because I don't give people enough reason to trust me, perhaps, and god knows I've made mistakes. At the same time, when will I ever change, right? If you ask me some years ago, I would probably still tell you that I wouldn't have minded living here, just content and completely okay being inside the box, inside my own comfort zone and never truly be independent in true sense of the word.

Somewhere along the line I changed my vision. Perhaps I've mentioned it a few entries back. I feel like venturing out. I wanna live somewhere else, see new things and do other things. I wanna be able to stand up for myself and prove everyone wrong. It's not that I wanna get away from these people, that's beside the point, but it would be interesting to try being on my own and, gosh, it would be such a cliche if I say, 'finding myself', right? I don't know, for once, the idea doesn't seem impossible, I feel like I can if only I want to. And why can't I?

I know we don't live for ourselves, but maybe sometimes there are things you just gotta do for yourself.

Again, I'm talking in jumbled topics. I better sleep now, tutorial's on tomorrow morning and potluck for dinner with the girls and I'm making soup! *looking impressed*.

Bloody Essay, Bloody Friend

I swear it's the most painful six-pages essay I have ever written, and not to mention, the hardest. These past few days you know I've been struggling hard with it, and by the look of it, you might think that I had to write a presidential speech or something just from reading how difficult and painfully slow my progress has been. So yeah, yeah, you can roll your eyeballs now because no, it's not a presidential speech, and no, it's not a hundred pages.

Truth be told? I'm supposed to just write a 6-8 pages essay on 9/11 and american character. I bet you people are laughing now. I could ramble on and on when I was writing my philosophy assignment and reached 27 pages-mark even when the requirement was only 10-15 pages (to be fair, I didn't know that), and I barely made it to six pages now?!

Don't tell me I've lost my writing ability 'cos I would cry, literally. But it's kinda depressing to know. I'm not just the most unpolitical person ever, but apparently also not very versatile because it boils down to apart from writing about myself, I can't write about anything else. (Yes, how self-centered is that?) Personally, I'm not even interested in reading about myself, let alone you. Can you just hand me that apron and spare me the misery of struggling and trying to reach my dream blah blah.

Okay, that is even more depressing. But, well, I intend to finish the essay today, yes people, today! As in, in the next 6 hours (seeing it's already 6.30 pm now..I don't have much time, do I? You know, minus the time for dinner, tv break, blogging time, etc, etc..) Yes, I'm determined! I can do it, I can do it! I've survived the humiliation of grabbing a stranger's hand before, I definitely certainly can handle a 6-8 pages essay on american politics! Of course I can!

On the note that is so totally unrelated to what I've been ranting about in the last five minutes, it's just a picture from last Wednesday night.

I think I deserved a big ol' drink after rotting at home in front of my laptop trying to compose a decent sentence with the word 'iraq' and 'weapon of mass destruction' and 'bush' without sounding way too awkward. Talk about being a fish out of water. I'm the fish. The water's whatever insignificant topics I usually write about. You get the picture.

Anyway, something irritating happened today and let me just give you an update on that. Basically, a friend of mine that I have known for...I don't know, 2 years? I haven't seen him in the longest time and weeks ago I texted him, not knowing anything about the new things in his life, and he replied me saying he had a girlfriend already and that I shouldn't text him again because his girlfriend doesn't like the idea. I was like, HELLO? I was responding to HIS message on friendster?! Besides, what did I say? Did I propose? Did I confess my love? I mean, for goodness' sake. I asked him what's up and his girlfriend went all paranoid as if I was interested to wreck their holy relationship. Please. So I did what everyone else would. I sent one final pissed-off message and decided to erase him from my life, forever. Someone like that is just not worth your friendship.

He texted me a few days ago which I ignored, of course. And this morning he sent another. Feeling rather generous I replied back with the sharpest sarcasm there was in me. Yes, that was me being generous. I still replied, didn't I? And know what's truly upsetting? He sent me another reply telling me his girlfriend was the one sending me a message weeks ago, and that he still wanted to keep in touch with me because...well, this is the best part. Not because he still thought of me as a friend. Wait, not because he realized friendship was more important than relationship. Nope. Guess why?! Guess! I dare you!

Because "my girlfriend and I are having cold war". QUOTED. His words, not mine. COLD WAR?! COLD WAR??!!!! What the hell?! You've been seeing too much documentary film, you think? And that was the reason why you suddenly wanted to BE MY FRIEND again?!

Well, fuck you.

You know what, I can't believe I'm even talking about this. I feel sorry for both of them, maybe they deserve each other afterall. For all I care, I don't even wanna know.

Eric's going to Beijing today, by the way. Lucky bastard. Of course I'm saying it with deepest affection. The guy's playing football over there, he looks harmless and all but he's the most athletic person I know. Football, rugby, hiking, I don't know where he gets all that energy from. If I hike, I would faint, like, seriously. But believe it or not, I've hiked before, not here obviously, but back in Jakarta, my family would go to those tea-walk events with the church, okay, they called it 'tea walk' not 'hiking' but what's the difference, right? Plus if we had an outing with school, we would always hike. But I can honestly say it was fun hiking with the school program because we were doing it in groups and the guys would walk right in the front and in the back to sort of look after the girls as the route could be pretty sloppy and dangerous. Ah, fun times. Those teenage crush and hormones.

Are we still talking about hiking here? Not quite sure.

Rambling with the capital R

I guess it's right when people say that you complain and whine when things go bad, but you always forget to count the ways of the things you can be grateful about. You don't emphasize it too much, 'cos it's just easier to bitch and convey frustration (in this sense, in writing), rather than boast happiness because you wanna bask in it as much as you can (giggling, daydreaming, etc), but when you're pissed, well, you just kinda wanna let it all out, tell your friends immediately so they can bitch together with you and thus, make you feel all better. I don't know, I'm rambling, aren't I?

I guess what I'm saying is, I've had a wonderful time these past few weeks, it's like, everything just seemed to fall in place, and I feel lucky most of the time having my friends and family and him around. And babe's right, I can't imagine being with someone else now, he complements me, understands and truly cares about me for who I am with all my childlike qualities. But I guess, I don't make a post listing why I feel so blessed, do I? On the other hand, I spared no time bitching about things that go wrong in my everyday's life. But despite having said that, now I'm about to complain once again. For fuck's sake, I am an ungrateful bastard.

I haven't been feeling truly like myself this week, particularly since this Monday. Interestingly enough, Eric left on Sunday, could that be it? I'm just feeling down cos he's not here? But to be fair, it's not like it's the first time he left. It has been a few months, I should have been used to it already, and besides, I still have my friends as usual. What's different this time, I have no idea. It might not even be because of him, subconsciously probably I'm just nervous about school. This subject really is worrying me, not only because I have two assignments that I'm struggling with, (I just started doing one and even the progress in that is painfully slow, and don't get me started on the second one yet), and not to mention the exam which falls on the same day. For the first time I'm really kinda scared, so there's a huge chance this school thing is the thing weighing me down. Whatever it is, I don't like feeling like this. Most of the time, even when I'm out with friends, I feel unenergized like all I wanna do is just being safely home. I don't talk as much and I get annoyed easily. Quite depressing, isn't it?

Probably it's nothing. I mean, people get bad mood once in a while without any reasons, right? They are bound to feel down once every blue moon and it doesn't mean they are depressed. I guess I just wanna apologise, to my sister, to Eric, to babe for being an ass lately. If only I can explain why. Yeah, and I wish I could say more, but really I don't know, let's just safely assume that I'm having PMS, okay. No, just think that I'm stressing over school. I need cheering up! Serious cheering up! Yesterday I went clubbing and even that couldn't really transform me into my original self, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME? Am I not fun anymore?!

People, bear with me, please.

Something is wrong with you when you consider pillow as your best friend and you sleep 12 hours everyday. For the past few days I've been trying to work on the assignment but so far it's being going even more hopelessly. 2 days and only 4 pages done, already double spacing somemore!

Eric has been really nice about my whole PMS episode, though, he gives in when I'm being difficult,...but not all the time. I mean, he has his bad days too, and just like tonight, when he's having bad mood, and I'm having bad mood as well, you can just pray that there won't be domestic war number 4 anytime soon. He doesn't take crap and he's not afraid to let people know that. Sometimes I'm the victim of his verbal abuse, but to be fair, more than half the times he has been my victim as well, so well, you can imagine. Although, there are times when we're both being stubborn and it takes time to cool both of us down and then we can start talking like civilized human beings again. Talking to me when I'm still freshly pissed is not a good idea. Anyway, it's one of those bad days for both of us so....

Four days and counting, and I don't like it. I want my old self! I wanna mutter lame jokes and be shameless again! This whole depression thing is starting to really depress me! I'm totally rambling and I'm fully aware of that...

Procrastinator. Bloody Good Weekend.

I'm not supposed to write an entry now because, I'm supposed to be working on my assignment..REMEMBER??!!!! I know, I know, but I can't think anymore and to think that I haven't been doing much! What's that 'anymore' for? Anymore's for working hard for hours and then you're tired and you decided to take a break cos you can't concentrate anymore! But what did I do? What? What? Okay, so I woke up and I actually went to the library and I actually researched reading materials for my essay and I actually sat there trying to compose sensible paragraphs but I can't ramble! My speciality is rambling, and I have to write about NINE ELEVEN and AMERICAN POLITICS!! What's there to ramble about?! I can't ramble even if my life depends on it! And now it's almost six pm and I had like one PAGE of essay (when I'm supposed to come up with 6-8 pages), and that one page is still only introduction I haven't even written anything quite significant yet! But my brain's just dead and I tried reading the text book while I was having lunch but I only managed to get it til page 100ish and I still have half more book to go...Yipee! This is great! This is brilliant! So spending valuable hours just watching videos on youtube and updating facebook and listening to music is just brilliant it really is. I feel so good now like I'm on top of the sinking Titanic. It's a bit like Catch 22. Can't do it right either way. Sigh. If only there's such thing as rambling class, I'll be mastering the skill in no time I'm sure.

Sorry for yet another rambling. I suppose you've gotten used to muting me right now, eh? So! I was having a great week last week mostly because boyfriend was in town for the weekend, and babe and I got around finally to do ladies night, and ladies night we did!

Last Wednesday at Clarke Quay and Velvet.

I also saw Sex and the City on the first premiere date, and the movie was great, I think! It's just like seeing the extended version of the series with bigger and more expensive wardrobe but I miss seeing the four of them! Guiltily, even though I saw the series countless times before, I still enjoy watching it over and over again, cos it's just the perfect thing to see when you're having your meal in front of the TV! Light, entertaining, and short! By the time one episode ends, you would finish your meal, I'm telling you, it's addictive.

Having a quick bite before heading in the cinema! And before picking Eric up, hence the biggest grin ever in the human history. I'm so transparent.

Chillin' and having drinks at Cuba Libre on Saturday night

Wait, there's more. I watched Sex and the City the second time around with the girls yesterday, only seemed appropriate, right? It actually felt a lot better the second time, but there was just one thing. The film suddenly stopped in the middle of the sex scene between Miranda and Steve and everyone in the cinema was just furious. I've seen it before and I was furious! It actually stopped like, three times and we initially thought they were gonna rewind the scene but nope, they didn't, what a rip off. And the audience were clapping during the scene when Charlotte actually said 'I curse the day you were born!' Lovely audience. I personally thought Kim Catrall was exceptionally prettier in the movie than the rest. And she's the oldest, but look at that body!

At Cine after the movie with babe and Epoy

Okay, at this rate I don't suppose I will make any more progress on the assignment, this internet is really distracting! So, that was lovely time there, hope you all had nice weekend too!

Isn't it funny, the way I kept jumping into one topic to the next? My brain's so jumbled you can't even tell.