Welcome!: Getting There

Saturday, 26 April 2008

Getting There

It is a big deal, right? I know he's trying to understand, but he just can't. And it's impossible to convey all my thoughts across because some things just don't have the words. They lie in the form of understanding and compromises. And I realize too that he has done so much for me, and if there's any compromises anyone should make, it should be from my part. He's been doing all the work and I feel like I'm only taking, not giving yet, and it's unfair, but if I could have done something, I would have, and it's hard for me too - not being able to do anything. But that's how it is and we just have to work with it.

But on the other hand, I don't want to give in too much too soon. This relationship has been moving fast, and I don't want to miss out anything; the little parts. The time for really getting to know and taking it slow. Seems like we've just been scratching the surface and we haven't even seen anything yet, and yet we have made plans ahead of time. It's inevitable to think about the future but I wonder if we should, just yet. But even I have to admit that it is a nice feeling.

I'm wondering, though, whether being so close with someone is bound to make you more more comfortable, or more conscious. Of course, ideally, we ought to be most comfortable with our closest ones. But it takes time, doesn't it? Before then, I guess we just have to try getting there. Because I'm close to someone new, it makes it even more important to impress, to show the best in us, it doesn't necessarily mean that we have to be someone else and not ourselves, do you get what I mean? But there's still a filter, surely?

And maybe the time needed to get there is different for each person. What if one has felt so comfortable with the other and expected the same but the other just hasn't quite gotten there? Should the conscious one compromises and forces herself to be comfortable? Justifying herself that she will get there too anyway eventually, so there really is nothing wrong with doing it a little bit sooner if that means she can please the other party? Or should the comfortable one try to understand the other and not expect anything?

How does the conscious one explain to the comfortable one that she just needs time to get there, and it has nothing to do with not trusting him? And how does the comfortable one get the feeling that by her not feeling quite all comfortable around him yet means that she doesn't trust him? That it basically means he will just question and doubt her feelings altogether?

And is there a time limit, anyway? Is it quite normal to still feel conscious even after some time together? I don't know.

I just know that it doesn't mean that I don't trust him, because I do. In fact, it has nothing to do with him and everything to do with me, because I'm being my usual insecure and worrying kind. And maybe it's a wrong and twisted logic altogether, but I feel more conscious towards him because his opinion matters to me more than anyone else's.

Okay, I'm babbling. I'm just thinking out loud. But in all honesty, I'm really happy and everything is good with him. I obviously have an issue, ha! But this is something, he is something. Everytime we have disagreement, once we cool down we would apologize no matter who's wrong, and we always respect each other's opinion even when we can't quite understand it. I feel good about this whole thing.

I know it probably takes more time for me to finally get there, but there's nothing wrong with that, right? Because I will get there, I know it. With everything that has been going so fast, it's easy to lose yourself but I'm just grateful I have someone who can hold it all together. I hope he knows that from the little things.

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Quotes

There's a hundred million different ways of writing, and it takes you a long time to sort through that stuff. And I think it takes anyone a long time to find a voice.

You must learn to take the good with the bad, the happy with the sad, love what you’ve got and remember what you had. Learn to forgive, but never forget, learn from your mistakes but never regret. People change and things go wrong, but you just have to remember that life goes on.

The day before I’m supposed to be meeting Caroline for a drink, I develop all the textbook symptoms of a crush: nervous stomach, long periods spent daydreaming, an inability to remember what she looks like. I can bring back the dress and the boots, and I can see her bangs, but her face is a blank.

I don't know, I think that if I could just accept the fact that my life is supposed to be difficult. You know, that's what to be expected, then I might not get so pissed-off about it and I'll just be glad when something nice happens.

I can see now I never really committed to Laura. I always had one foot out the door, and that prevented me from doing a lot of things, like thinking about my future and... I guess it made more sense to commit to nothing, keep my options open. And that's suicide. By tiny, tiny increments.

There's a big fucking world out there. It's messy, and it's chaotic, and it's never, never ever the thing you'd expect. It is ok to be scared, but you cannot allow your fears to turn you into an asshole, not when it comes to the people that love you, the people that need you.

Maybe what I'm saying is, is the world might be evolving the way a person evolves. Right? Like, I mean, me for example. Am I getting worse? Am I improving? I don't know. When I was younger, I was healthier, but I was, uh, whacked with insecurity, you know? Now I'm older and my problems are deeper, but I'm more equipped to handle them.

I am nothing special; just a common man with common thoughts, and I've led a common life. There are no monuments dedicated to me and my name will soon be forgotten. But in one respect I have succeeded as gloriously as anyone who's ever lived: I've loved another with all my heart and soul; and to me, this has always been enough.

Later that day I got to thinking about relationships. There are those that open you up to something new and exotic, those that are old and familiar, those that bring up lots of questions, those that bring you somewhere unexpected, those that bring you far from where you started, and those that bring you back. But the most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you can find someone to love the you you love, well, that's just fabulous.

A woman needs to be held, even, and science has shown this, if its with someone she doesn't care about. Protective hormones are released, and the amount of hormones released depends on the degree to which she is held. The first and best is the complete surround. He wraps you in both arms, whispers how beautiful you are. Second best is the 'arm around.' He is next to you but with one arm around you. Third is he's just next to you on his elbow, but he rests his hand on your stomach and looks at you. Fourth is you snuggling up to him with your head on his chest, while he looks away into space. But when the first best happens, you feel completely, wonderfully like a woman.

So, so what, so fuck off, go home, leave you alone? I'll tell you something Paul, there isn't anything that I've wanted for eighteen years, cause I was a kid eighteen years ago. And if I did still want the same things I'd think I'd gone wrong somewhere, because actually I don't want to marry David Cassidy, I don't want bigger tits, I don't want to do better on my marks. I've stopped worrying about that kind of thing and maybe you should try.

Well maybe there's a big bit of you that's gone missing somewhere, maybe everyone should want something they've always wanted.

Why is it that adults aren't supposed to go mad about anything? You gotta keep a lid on it. And if you don't then people are apparently entitled to say what they like. "You haven't grown up. You're a moron. Your conversation is trivial and boorish. You can't express your emotional needs. You can't relate to your children." And you die, lonely and miserable. But you know, what the hell, every cloud has a silver lining.

I just woke up one morning and didn't feel the same way. Where did it go? It was like there had been a lot of food on a plate in front of us, and we ate it all really quickly, and then there was nothing left. Maybe that's how couples stay together: they're not greedy. They know that what they have in front of them has to last a long time, so they kind of pick at it. I hope it's not like that, though. I hope that when people are happy together, it feels as though someone keeps piling seconds and thirds on their plates.

That is what I have learned: Sex is destructive. Love is nothing to be fooled with. I learned that I was dangerous, not to be trusted. I wondered if my parents were right, with all of their stiff lovelessness. Maybe they knew better. My parents don't dole out love for the deserving or the undeserving. I was learning that love could cost me.

You could say all you liked about reason and logic and common sense and imagination, but when the chips were down, the one skill you needed was the ability to think about absolutely nothing whatsoever.

There is a comfort in never making an effort, but it's a lonely comfort. What keeps you going is the knowledge that you're only playing with only four cards showing. But when you see other people succeeding with their mediocre hands, you have to make a decision. If you turn over that final card you're certain of victory, but it also means you have nothing in reserve.

I’d gone through life believing in the strength and competence of others; never in my own. Now, dazzled, I discovered that my capacities were real. It was like finding a fortune in the lining of an old coat.

Maybe we all live life at too high a pitch, those of us who absorb emotional things all day, and as mere consequence we can never feel merely content: we have to be unhappy, or ecstatically, head-over-heels happy, and those states are difficult to achieve within a stable, solid relationship.