Monday, 21 April 2008

Decision

I may not know what I want, I may be lost when it comes to this whole life and adulthood thing, but I'd like to think that I know what I don't want, and when you know that, things tend to get a little bit easier.

You may be right if you're saying that I'm a lost cause. I probably am just like a rat running around in the maze not knowing where to go. And if that's the case, I guess I'm guilty as charged. But when else can I afford to be this hopeless if not now?

I've been doing PR for two months now and it is still such a short time, and I'm still just tasting the surface, not even swallowing anything yet. But I don't have the patience. And to be frank, I don't think I'm up for it. I know I can be good at it, I'd like to think I can do better than most people if I really want to, but I just don't want to do something just for the sake of doing it, or because I'm expected to or simply to satisfy my employees. I wanna feel that self-motivation, because certainly I do have some? Less than others, most probably, but still some?

I wish someone could open up my head so people can sort of understand what I'm feeling because there are things that I can't describe by words and it's frustrating sometimes. But, for the time being, I just wanna try different things, because I still can. And because nothing so far has given me that drive, that push, to stay.

I've given it a thought, contemplating whether I'm just being so spoiled and lazy, but bracing and doing things I don't enjoy doing, doing work I know I'm not serious at, well, what's the point? If you look at it, PR could possibly be the most dynamic job ever, and I thought that's what I wanted, but of course once I taste it, I need some excuse to find a bitter end.

Although an intern just can't handle an account just yet and I haven't fully glimpsed the activities and processes behind it, I sort of have a vague idea because I see how these people do it. And I have been doing things for everyone around the office. Little by little, pieces by pieces I started seeing the bigger picture, and I decided it's just not for me. Knowing what I don't want just makes everything looks clearer somehow.

So this morning, determined and focused, I told my boss I needed to talk to him sometime during the evening when he's available and I ended up talking to him for almost an hour. I had a feeling I kinda rambled a little bit but basically I told him pretty much everything. Of course I could have just given him a simpler excuse, (e.g: I need to focus more to my school work, but I don't think he would buy it knowing me), but honesty is always the best policy so I babbled everything: how I really felt, all my worries and concerns, and he listened, nodding in all the right places, trying hard to understand although I could tell I wasn't making much sense, and he offered me some words of wisdom. All in all, he was being really understanding about it.

I decided to stay at least until the end of the month, that's the least I could do. I know it's the busiest time in the office and they always need an extra hand. Boss said I have been doing a good job, and he would be happy to recommend me to other companies who could be hiring an intern. What's more, he offered to let me stay until I get another job. As much as I really appreciated it, I think this month is the end for me. I wanna try new territory, probably finance or banking, who knows? The possibilities are endless.

At the same time, boss told me to be careful and not try too many things. He looked amused by all my ramblings, actually. But the important thing, I finally went ahead and followed my guts. I don't know if this is the right decision but this is my time to test the waters. I won't be able to do this once I graduate. I hope by then, I will have had a bloody good idea what I wanted to do, because I've tried a few things.

I may be confused but I can afford being confused. I think I deserve to be confused for the time being.

Have I been rambling again? Sorry.

Initially just planned to share that news but didn't realize I have written this much. Can't wait til next week, cos Eric's coming. I'd give myself a week break and I'll start being an adult again. I promise. Ha!

So. I'll write again soon and have a nice week ahead! :)

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