Welcome!: Decision

Monday 21 April 2008

Decision

I may not know what I want, I may be lost when it comes to this whole life and adulthood thing, but I'd like to think that I know what I don't want, and when you know that, things tend to get a little bit easier.

You may be right if you're saying that I'm a lost cause. I probably am just like a rat running around in the maze not knowing where to go. And if that's the case, I guess I'm guilty as charged. But when else can I afford to be this hopeless if not now?

I've been doing PR for two months now and it is still such a short time, and I'm still just tasting the surface, not even swallowing anything yet. But I don't have the patience. And to be frank, I don't think I'm up for it. I know I can be good at it, I'd like to think I can do better than most people if I really want to, but I just don't want to do something just for the sake of doing it, or because I'm expected to or simply to satisfy my employees. I wanna feel that self-motivation, because certainly I do have some? Less than others, most probably, but still some?

I wish someone could open up my head so people can sort of understand what I'm feeling because there are things that I can't describe by words and it's frustrating sometimes. But, for the time being, I just wanna try different things, because I still can. And because nothing so far has given me that drive, that push, to stay.

I've given it a thought, contemplating whether I'm just being so spoiled and lazy, but bracing and doing things I don't enjoy doing, doing work I know I'm not serious at, well, what's the point? If you look at it, PR could possibly be the most dynamic job ever, and I thought that's what I wanted, but of course once I taste it, I need some excuse to find a bitter end.

Although an intern just can't handle an account just yet and I haven't fully glimpsed the activities and processes behind it, I sort of have a vague idea because I see how these people do it. And I have been doing things for everyone around the office. Little by little, pieces by pieces I started seeing the bigger picture, and I decided it's just not for me. Knowing what I don't want just makes everything looks clearer somehow.

So this morning, determined and focused, I told my boss I needed to talk to him sometime during the evening when he's available and I ended up talking to him for almost an hour. I had a feeling I kinda rambled a little bit but basically I told him pretty much everything. Of course I could have just given him a simpler excuse, (e.g: I need to focus more to my school work, but I don't think he would buy it knowing me), but honesty is always the best policy so I babbled everything: how I really felt, all my worries and concerns, and he listened, nodding in all the right places, trying hard to understand although I could tell I wasn't making much sense, and he offered me some words of wisdom. All in all, he was being really understanding about it.

I decided to stay at least until the end of the month, that's the least I could do. I know it's the busiest time in the office and they always need an extra hand. Boss said I have been doing a good job, and he would be happy to recommend me to other companies who could be hiring an intern. What's more, he offered to let me stay until I get another job. As much as I really appreciated it, I think this month is the end for me. I wanna try new territory, probably finance or banking, who knows? The possibilities are endless.

At the same time, boss told me to be careful and not try too many things. He looked amused by all my ramblings, actually. But the important thing, I finally went ahead and followed my guts. I don't know if this is the right decision but this is my time to test the waters. I won't be able to do this once I graduate. I hope by then, I will have had a bloody good idea what I wanted to do, because I've tried a few things.

I may be confused but I can afford being confused. I think I deserve to be confused for the time being.

Have I been rambling again? Sorry.

Initially just planned to share that news but didn't realize I have written this much. Can't wait til next week, cos Eric's coming. I'd give myself a week break and I'll start being an adult again. I promise. Ha!

So. I'll write again soon and have a nice week ahead! :)

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Quotes

There's a hundred million different ways of writing, and it takes you a long time to sort through that stuff. And I think it takes anyone a long time to find a voice.

You must learn to take the good with the bad, the happy with the sad, love what you’ve got and remember what you had. Learn to forgive, but never forget, learn from your mistakes but never regret. People change and things go wrong, but you just have to remember that life goes on.

The day before I’m supposed to be meeting Caroline for a drink, I develop all the textbook symptoms of a crush: nervous stomach, long periods spent daydreaming, an inability to remember what she looks like. I can bring back the dress and the boots, and I can see her bangs, but her face is a blank.

I don't know, I think that if I could just accept the fact that my life is supposed to be difficult. You know, that's what to be expected, then I might not get so pissed-off about it and I'll just be glad when something nice happens.

I can see now I never really committed to Laura. I always had one foot out the door, and that prevented me from doing a lot of things, like thinking about my future and... I guess it made more sense to commit to nothing, keep my options open. And that's suicide. By tiny, tiny increments.

There's a big fucking world out there. It's messy, and it's chaotic, and it's never, never ever the thing you'd expect. It is ok to be scared, but you cannot allow your fears to turn you into an asshole, not when it comes to the people that love you, the people that need you.

Maybe what I'm saying is, is the world might be evolving the way a person evolves. Right? Like, I mean, me for example. Am I getting worse? Am I improving? I don't know. When I was younger, I was healthier, but I was, uh, whacked with insecurity, you know? Now I'm older and my problems are deeper, but I'm more equipped to handle them.

I am nothing special; just a common man with common thoughts, and I've led a common life. There are no monuments dedicated to me and my name will soon be forgotten. But in one respect I have succeeded as gloriously as anyone who's ever lived: I've loved another with all my heart and soul; and to me, this has always been enough.

Later that day I got to thinking about relationships. There are those that open you up to something new and exotic, those that are old and familiar, those that bring up lots of questions, those that bring you somewhere unexpected, those that bring you far from where you started, and those that bring you back. But the most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you can find someone to love the you you love, well, that's just fabulous.

A woman needs to be held, even, and science has shown this, if its with someone she doesn't care about. Protective hormones are released, and the amount of hormones released depends on the degree to which she is held. The first and best is the complete surround. He wraps you in both arms, whispers how beautiful you are. Second best is the 'arm around.' He is next to you but with one arm around you. Third is he's just next to you on his elbow, but he rests his hand on your stomach and looks at you. Fourth is you snuggling up to him with your head on his chest, while he looks away into space. But when the first best happens, you feel completely, wonderfully like a woman.

So, so what, so fuck off, go home, leave you alone? I'll tell you something Paul, there isn't anything that I've wanted for eighteen years, cause I was a kid eighteen years ago. And if I did still want the same things I'd think I'd gone wrong somewhere, because actually I don't want to marry David Cassidy, I don't want bigger tits, I don't want to do better on my marks. I've stopped worrying about that kind of thing and maybe you should try.

Well maybe there's a big bit of you that's gone missing somewhere, maybe everyone should want something they've always wanted.

Why is it that adults aren't supposed to go mad about anything? You gotta keep a lid on it. And if you don't then people are apparently entitled to say what they like. "You haven't grown up. You're a moron. Your conversation is trivial and boorish. You can't express your emotional needs. You can't relate to your children." And you die, lonely and miserable. But you know, what the hell, every cloud has a silver lining.

I just woke up one morning and didn't feel the same way. Where did it go? It was like there had been a lot of food on a plate in front of us, and we ate it all really quickly, and then there was nothing left. Maybe that's how couples stay together: they're not greedy. They know that what they have in front of them has to last a long time, so they kind of pick at it. I hope it's not like that, though. I hope that when people are happy together, it feels as though someone keeps piling seconds and thirds on their plates.

That is what I have learned: Sex is destructive. Love is nothing to be fooled with. I learned that I was dangerous, not to be trusted. I wondered if my parents were right, with all of their stiff lovelessness. Maybe they knew better. My parents don't dole out love for the deserving or the undeserving. I was learning that love could cost me.

You could say all you liked about reason and logic and common sense and imagination, but when the chips were down, the one skill you needed was the ability to think about absolutely nothing whatsoever.

There is a comfort in never making an effort, but it's a lonely comfort. What keeps you going is the knowledge that you're only playing with only four cards showing. But when you see other people succeeding with their mediocre hands, you have to make a decision. If you turn over that final card you're certain of victory, but it also means you have nothing in reserve.

I’d gone through life believing in the strength and competence of others; never in my own. Now, dazzled, I discovered that my capacities were real. It was like finding a fortune in the lining of an old coat.

Maybe we all live life at too high a pitch, those of us who absorb emotional things all day, and as mere consequence we can never feel merely content: we have to be unhappy, or ecstatically, head-over-heels happy, and those states are difficult to achieve within a stable, solid relationship.