Not So Much of a Working Adult

Due to my lack of writing these days, I thought I owe myself an applause. Apparently this girl is capable of handling responsibility and is extremely hardworking at work that she's just way too exhausted when she reaches home.

(image shows of her laying around at work, browsing through 'pink is the new blog' website, indulging herself in juicy celebrities' gossips, juggling to drop comments on facebook and checking out pictures of current crushes)

So, this is to be my last week on this office and when I share no feeling of attachment at all (for goodness sake it has only been a month, although it feels like three!), I do feel bad to leave my dear friend here. She's also an intern and we've been getting along great. Allow me to paint you a heart-crushing picture here, my lunch break is different than the rest of the staffs. So, that means I had to have lunch all by myself, do you know how it's like out there in the jungle on lunch time? There is no place for a lonely sad girl eating alone in the corner without getting hassled and stared, “you're eating alone? What is wrong with you?!” Tell you, by the second day I learnt my lesson and I just bought something quick to eat at the office.

Okay, even you would think that is beyond pathetic. So, after my second week, a new intern came in and of course she had the same lunch time as me, and the story of 'just for one' is history. Well, the fact that she's not a psycho helps a bit too. Well, anyway she's a really sweet girl.

But, moving on. Yesterday there has been some internet problem at the office, everything was down so while the IT guy was trying to fix it (I swear I could see sweats coming down on his forehead even though it was cold as fuck, imagine the pressure he was on), we couldn't really do anything. Everyone was just sort of staring empty ahead and pretending to be so enlightened and fascinated by the computer screen. Me? I was just playing freecell and spider solitaire. Very classy, girl.

But it still hasn't worked until lunch time so basically I've just been wasting 3 plus hours of my life by doing nothing while I could have just easily slept longer at home. (that attitude won't get you anywhere, young lady!) Melissa (the intern) and I ate at BK nearby for lunch and 'accidentally' came back an hour later. What? It was sort of, raining. We had to walk really slow or we could easily slip. Do you want to see me slip? Do you? Do you? Do you?

Although it's a struggle every morning to wake up and even harder to stay awake right after lunch, I have to say there's a certain pleasure working, I'm doing something with my time, for one, and besides the obvious of getting paid, I'm much more energized and up-and-running. Just don't tell me that after 6.30 pm. ( I resemble more of a greying old maid by that time)

But I'm in the mood for shopping! I need a new pair of shoes. I've thrown away three of my shoes due to their age, by the look of it, they were going straight to pensiun fund. So I'm looking for a shiny black heels or maybe white. Hope today's my lucky day!

Okay, so what have you all been up to? I've been wanting to see Juno and PS I Love You but haven't got the chance! Seriously there's just something there, babe and I have been out twice in hope to catch Juno but the timing was never right. Bollocks.

Hope you all have a nice day, cheers. It's back to freecell...oops, I mean, work,..for me. A bit of slip there.

Changes

Why the 'rational adult decision', you ask? Well, because I am mature, no? No, really, a lot has been going on and I'm just busy with work. I finally decided to call this job quit and moved to another company. Now, that sounds more like an adult, I suppose? It's funny because I did it without even discussing it with my sister, and she always knows everything, so when I called her to tell her I already spoke to my boss to quit at the end of this month, she was beyond shocked. What? When? Where? Why? How? How? How could you? Are you even my real sister? Who are you? Who? Tell me! *choking my neck through the telephone*

No, I was me, rest assured. But it just happened so fast. I got another offer from another company which sounded more promising and paid better, and it's a PR company so surely it's much more relevant than what I'm doing in marketing firm right now. Okay, there is another reason. I thought I applied for an internship, not to www.cheapmaid.com (purely fictional for those of you who thought about clicking it to see pictures of maids in skimpy clothes), I mean, I'm okay with running errands if they're work related, like, of course I wouldn't mind dropping documents off at another office (what it actually means: having a chance to get out from the office to see men in business attire), but definitely not to buy lunch, refreshment, drinks, or even medicine for the boss, okay.

So, after a day of deliberation and self-thinking, I decided to go for it. Grab a better opportunity. I was nervous about talking to the boss since my internship is supposed to be for four months and it's barely one yet. But in the end, everything's settled so next week will be my last week at the current office. You know what else? I was so eager to graduate and work, and now that I've caught a little glimpse of it, I decided that I'm glad I'm still in school. Not that I don't want to ever work, but there'll be plenty of time when you simply just must work for a living, so now that I still at least have a choice, I shouldn't complain much. There's just a certain comfort knowing that if I want to, I can just choose not to work, to just laze around at home all day long, and undoubtfully I would probably grow restless again but at least I have that option, and even now, I can sort of see the escape route. But I guess it will be different then, right? Okay, maybe it's not a problem if you're swimming with money, but I'm nowhere near Uncle Scrooge yet.

Aside for that, things have been just busy as usual. Dad is in town at the moment until Tuesday, and I'm having a terrible cold as I'm writing. Judging from my-less-than-fit-state, you would think I'm a 50 year old old maid instead of a supposedly-vibrant-lively 20-year-old. Which is why I'm spending a Sunday at home. I can't stop sneezing and this bloody running nose is doing even worse to my overall mood.

Generally I'm pretty happy these days but then sometimes I just feel down without reason, I think it's PMS. I'm worried about things, I have exam and assignment this next Saturday, work hasn't been quite enjoyable anymore since there's some coo-coo going on, I'm feeling quite low on confident-level at times (*gasp* yes, I don't always feel that narcissistic.) I need a happy pill, please.

I can't even think of a creative thing to write! Maybe I should kiss the journalism goodbye and just settle with the cheap maid thing. *so depressing*. So, I'll catch you when I'm not busy washing people's feet and shampooing their hair. Ciao.

This Unlikely Saturday

Thank goodness it's weekend. Just wanted to post what I've been doing this past week besides work. Um, wait. Let me think for a moment. I must have done something, right? Saw a movie, maybe? No. Had nice dinner at restaurant? Not really. Was out with friends, not colleagues? No. Oh shit, I am turning boring. All I wanna do after another day at work is just go home and sleep.

We are now cordially invited to a funeral. Let's all grief and mourn the loss of...my social life!

This morning, which is a Saturday, if I have to remind you, I have to yet wake up early again when the birds (and 3/4 of population) are still sleeping. Apparently someone despises us so much that we need to take our exam on a public holiday, sort of.

The school messed up again, and I had to lose more than half an hour to finish the exam. Dumbass. Not that it would make much difference, though. Staring at the blank paper for half an hour would do little to suddenly make that difference, but still. I'd like to think that I have the option. "I still have half an hour to go, but I really don't know the answers to all these.. oh well, I better just go," than "My time's up! Time's up! No time! No time! I haven't answered this question! And this! And this! No time already! No time already! What to do! Oh god!" Yep, something like that.

But after that, things significantly improved. Went for a make-up and photo sessions (wasn't as glamorous as it sounded, but exciting for sure, but it was more like doing a favor for another friend, will post up some pictures from it later), and tomorrow I'm planning to have indian buffet lunch and going to Sentosa afterwards, so it sounds like a plan. For now, though, I just wanna catch up with some sleep. Damn, man, I really am old.

the first time I didn't send poor victim to the road of unknown

I was running an errand. Asked to look for a product by my boss at this foreign building. Now if you know me well, or even just know me at all, you would understand that a sense of navigation has been long lost on my internal body. My parents are both excellent in this subject so I wouldn’t dare to even imagine where all those genes went. Maybe to the baby sitter. Shamelessly enough, even in my own neighborhood, it’s not that abnormal to find myself getting lost. A 20-seconds taxi ride to Jurong Stadium which is only 5 minutes away from my apartment is proof enough. But the happiest party around here would be the taxi driver. He couldn’t believe he would finally encounter someone (dumb enough) who would pay him at least his lunch to ‘fart’ his car the distance even a baby would accomplish.

Last week it was a phone card, two days ago it was to enquire a bank’s account number, yesterday it was chicken rice (the list is getting more random by day), and today it was tea leaves from a herbal Chinese shop. The part about the tea wasn’t the one bothering me, to be honest I would buy him a freaking chicken feet if he asks me to. (you can't get more random than that!)

The place, though, is another story. But I’d do it just to get out from the cold office and breathe some fresh air. So equipped with only the faintest idea about this whereabouts of the store, (which is inside this one condo, which is supposed to be right behind this weird building’s name.) I began yet another less-than-average self-performance. What’s worrying is that I had absolutely no clue where this weird-building’s name is, so it’s like a stupid loss trail.
But, I decided not to let my stupid face revealed. Instead, I nodded enthusiastically as if I have been habiting in the condo for the last twenty years of my life. Well, nobody has to know, right? Definitely not the big boss. You, maybe, but not him.

Besides, it should be simple. I mean, how far could this place be? How complicated could this get? What couldn’t an intelligent 21-year-old journalism student do?! Huh? What?! What?! I’d be such a disgrace for failing to do such simple task. And for once, I would not ask and expose my vulnerability, instead I wanted to explore, a word never been once associated with my name. Well, there's always a first time for everything.

To make long story short, I was beyond impressed with myself because I found the building in a breeze. So I got out from the office, counted my shirt button to determine whether I should go to the right or left, which resulted in left, so I did walk to the left blindly without assurance other than a little hope that my buttons had brain. And I mean, it was office complex, so buildings were everywhere, I was walking with my head tilted 45 degrees just to be able to read each building's name.

For once in a long time, I made the right decision, or rather, maybe my buttons did, because not long I spotted the weird-name building, and it was smooth sailing after. That wasn't the highlight of the story, though. Okay, I'm nowhere near Indiana Jones, but maybe I have taken a step towards Nancy Drew.

In the middle of my walk from the office to the train station, where I was mingling around with other adults (me? adult? never!), suddenly a confused looking woman stopped me. Funny she would stop me because I was in the midst of crowds, it's not like it was freaking deserted and I was the only one around. But she just instantly grabbed me and asked in shy polite voice, "Um...do you where this [weird-name-building] is?"

Aha! Yes! Yes! Yes! In fact I did!!!! I do!!!
"Yes. It's on that side, behind there..see? yes, there, turn left there.." the length of my explanation to that poor woman could put philosophers to shame.

But for once! For once I didn't send someone to the wrong direction! For once I actually knew what I was talking about! And the poor woman would safely arrive at the right place to meet her long-distance boyfriend whom she hasn't met for 2 years because of my help, emphasize that! capitalize, bold, italic, underline that last sentence!

Quite an achievement, don't you think, from my usual hopelessness? Not that I'm not hopeless anymore. But maybe I've upgraded a little bit. Ha!

Eye Crisis

Emergency! Emergency! Emergency!

I am officially in dire need of an optometry! My gosh, my right eye is freaking red as if some gangster has just beaten the crap out of me. I'm technically blind without my lens, it's just so awful.

Decided to pay a visit to the clinic but it was already closed! The clinic's closed at four freaking thirty! I mean, who goes to the bloody clinic before four freaking thirty in the afternoon?!

Unless I ask for a half-day work from the office, I don't see how I can ever get my eye checked. I hope tomorrow at least it's getting better (I don't look dangerous or epidemic anymore) eventhough I'm pessimistic. I mean, what is wrong with my eye? It's not used to throwing a temper tantrum like this and now it's above the sensitivity of a bloody Mimosa pudica! Help!

Unhealthy Dose of Sensitivity

I prided myself for being sensitive; people come to me for advice or at least, a listening ear for their worries and concerns. I learnt to accept that I have this trait, and that I just simply can't help it. How could you tell a crying baby to stop crying? I can try being more reserved, I can try changing my behavior, but not how I feel, for heart is running on its own, it's fueled not by energy or something we can control. It's automatic, involuntary. We may deny, pretend we don't feel certain emotions, and nobody would have to know at all, but we ourselves feel it. And it's up to us how we would like to act upon it.

I have always thought that being sensitive is a good thing. I take people's feelings into consideration, because it is important to me. Even if I don't agree to things that my friends did, I would not blatantly tell them they're wrong. And maybe this is where my flaw lies, for I'm simply way too emotional. To the people I care about, my will to guard their feelings is far more crucial than proving them I'm right.

In this sense, I started to realize that my oversensitiveness possibly just bring more harm than good. Because just about how many persons out there who would protect my feelings too? So why do I even bother, why do I have to go all these troubles to give the best that I can when the only thing left for me is dissapointment?

I don't have to know a person for years to feel this way. Even to new friends, I feel attached easily, and when they choose to share their problems with me, then that becomes my burden too. But we're not talking about just friends here, because my friends never made me feel bad. It's like, sensitiviness is just a part of me and that's it.

But there are bound to be people whom you can't just treat as 'just platonic friends'. It's not that they make me feel bad, or as if I'm not good enough, but wIth them sometimes I wish I'm far less-emotional. I wish I could have that 'the hell with them' attitude, I wish I could be more indifferent and tough. Instead, I'm acting like a woman.

They probably don't even mean what I thought they meant, but being myself, I tend to jump into conclusions. They probably don't even realize they're doing things that upset me, but again, I'm already making an assumption. But despite all that, I have my own reasons to think that way, it's not as if suddenly I just launch into this crazy paranoid bitch. Most of the time I'm right but there are times when I should just back off, you know. I'm just emotional. (I made it sound like it's a disease - "I have STD" or "I'm compusilve disorder", "I'm emotional".)

I can pretend that I don't give a shit, but I'm not kidding anyone but myself. Little gestures triggered me, little signs irked me. Other normal homo sapiens probably wouldn't even notice 'em, but of course, I'm far from normal. I'm a rare species functioned like a human being but with a paranoid and a magnifying-eye for details.

I think my life would be much happier if I get to be a lot more nonchalant. I would not get hurt and I can be truly certain that those who managed to stay close for long, will definitely stay. You know? Cos they've gone through all the shits just to win your trust, and not the other way around with me for I believe the best in people. It might seem like a noble thing - believing the best in people, but that only applies if everyone in this planet is a decent human being. But people lie all the time. If you trust a lying jerk, you have noone else to blame but yourself in the end.

The thing about being too emotional is you get worried over nothing. You want to believe what you want to believe. You start seeing everything in amplifying light. You want to shrug things off but you simply can't.

I don't even know what I'm talking about, to be honest. I don't think I'm making any sense. This is me rambling again. Or you may call it, being emotional. Ha! Forget it.

Not very compatible

Me: "I just missed my freaking flight!"
Him: "Huh? How?"
Me: "Didn't you hear me? I just missed my freaking flight! I lost my money!"
Him: "How did you lose your money? Where did it go?"
Me: "......"

Hopeless case.

(later that night...)

Him: "Hey, are you now in Indo?"
Me: "Didn't you hear......Ah, never mind."

I'm sorry. He's very nice and all. He spoils me way too much, but oh my goodness, sometimes I just can't help wondering what he has for lunch.

He speaks perfect chinese and broken english, too broken in fact that no amount of ducktape can plaster it back. I said 'what's up', he said 'huh?'.

I just wanna say that to the people who have always told me to, quoted, "hook up" with him.

I'm going to have a shitty year from the look of it.

Quite frankly, I'm tired of being pissed. Yesterday was the shittiest of all the shit and the amount of curse words I could manage in a single entry would put Ozzy Ozbourne to shame. I have never used so many 'cunts' in a sentence. Very satisfying, and it means exactly as it sounds, just conveys your message across exactly straight to the core! Maybe I'm going to post it just for the pleasure of it. But for now, I'm going to try to be more of a civilised human being. Besides, some of you probably haven't even had your lunch. When I'm considerate, I am considerate.

So, if some of you are wondering what the hell I'm doing in the internet when I'm supposed to be back home celebrating chinese new year, then I'm going to say this once and for all:

I missed my fucking flight!

Yep. I did. Nope, this is not candid camera, this is not Home Alone, this is not some dramatic sappy soap about a girl who's very sick and is going to die in 24 hours and a guy who's rushing over to see her and to declare his undying love to her before it's all too late and also gives her the last chance of happiness before her body started to decay and became maggots' dinner, but then the guy was late to make it to the gate because beforehand he was over at the jewellery store to buy her a diamond ring which he's going to use to propose, and he couldn't get in the flight although he has already begged with all his might to the officials and explained his reason in the name of 'love', so he was crying in the airport, clutching the expensive ring (and formulating the amount of debt he had) and she died eventually alone in the hospital, feeling like she has never actually been loved in her entire existence.

Okay, I'm rambling. The fact is, I missed my flight so my money's gone, the ticket's gone, I couldn't afford to buy another ticket, and I'm fucking pissed.

I think I deserve another at least 20 more 'fuck' in this entry alone after that traumatic experience. But again, I don't really wanna go into that details for now, you will just have to wait for the entire story in another entry where I could finally fully unleash this demon inside.

My sister and I both wanted to go home but I think it's just logical if only one of us did because buying another two tickets would be damn expensive and I would have to resort to grass for my next meal. So she did. I think she deserved to be home more than I did, and I'm completely fine, I mean, this was hardly ideal scenario but we did what we could.

I was grumpy, tired, angry, and ugly by the time I made it back to the train. The least thing I needed was some fucking dickhead harrassing me! But of course, that's exactly what happened. Not going to elaborate that now either, but suffice to say, his dick was involved. 'Nuff said. I lost my appetite already.

But I'm fine, I'm fine. I was totally freaked out but luckily nothing worse happened. Sometimes I just can't believe these people existed. Seriously, they don't bring any good to the world, so they better just commit suicide right now and get it over with. Shit retarded brain, fucking worthless piece of shit.

Okay. Just wanna give a bit of update. If there's one more person asking 'how's your chinese new year?' I would seriously lose it.

Fucking Maggot

To You, the most obnoxious, rude, and fucking retarded sales person ever,

First of all, I want to remind you that you are a freaking sales person, and I am the customer. In where I came from, customers should be treated with respect, if not more. I wouldn't even go as far as 'customer is the king', although it should have been taught to you, but well, seeing how much of a dumbass you are, probably nothing actually stuck to your pathetic little brain in the first place, so I'm not playing that card. But the normal, decent human being would at least smile, or wait, no, I wouldn't even expect a smile because it's not your fault that you have such ugly appalling mouth, but what about eye-contact? Geez, you are worthless. Seriously, we wanted to buy things from you, you freaking birdbrain. You should have been worshipping the shit we stepped on, instead you were wasting my fucking time and making my life more complicated. Jackass. You know what, if you're not a people person, if you're alergic just by talking decently to 'customers', or if it takes you that much effort and pain and sacrifice and agony to be friendly, then grab a lab jacket. Be a technician or engineer or something. Don't harm and bring torture to the people around you. There are a lot you can do with that retarded brain and horrendous mouth. Wait, maybe not. Scratch that engineer off your list. Well, there's still cleaning service or whatever. Just don't piss me off. Don't act as if you're a sales person when your pathetic horrid cerebrum couldn't even grasp the concept. Well, fuck you.

Sincerely,
Tina

Previous writings

"The B-Day in Progress"
December 22, 2007

So I’ve finally lived through today to tell you the story, and I’m grateful to say that no heads were chopped, or worse, no surprises were thrown because I mentioned before that I just wanted the day to go by without any events and I still meant it.

Yesterday was a meaningful day for me in all its meaninglessness. No birthday cakes, no cheesy songs, no water splashing, no gifts-wrapping-parade, and quite frankly, I wouldn’t have wanted it any other way.

To me, it was still quite an emotional day and I didn’t exactly know why. I wasn’t planning on growing any older because I haven’t felt like I was ready to, yet. To be honest, I intended to just sleep through the day so I had the excuse to stay in bed and hide from the world. But the plan was clearly shattered when at 6 am my brother woke me up and led me out of my room, down the stairs, and into his room to congratulate and give me present. Which, I was deeply grateful, despite what I had in mind earlier.

But after that, I realized that at the very least I owed everybody a cheerful face. And why would I want to hide from my own family, anyway? They wouldn’t start throwing petals and arranging party in the backyard if I didn’t want to.

So I took a bath, and got kisses and hugs from everyone in the house and I felt my mood started to lift up. It was even quite endearing when I sat with my dad in our usual morning spots, and he suddenly laughed out loud and exclaimed, “Ah! Is it today?” as if he just
remembered that it was indeed his precious middle daughter’s big two-one birthday.

It’s not that I don’t appreciate all the greetings from my friends because I truly do. But I just wanted nothing for my birthday, and that is the truth. No, I wasn’t depressed or anything. I wasn’t feeling suicidal, if that’s what you’re asking. I just didn’t want anything, seriously. Ah, okay, I honestly wanted the sexy hot red Samsung camera, if you insist.

So after I insisted my friends that ‘no, you don’t have to come over’, and ‘no, don’t tell everyone’, I sat cozily in the couch with a book in my hand and no one in the house and I was happy enough.

Anyway, we have this tradition of eating out in a fancy steak restaurant whenever a family member is celebrating birthday and so, just to end the day with a nice round to it, I agreed and gathered dad and sisters to the place to honor the old ritual. It was a perfect ending to a perfect day that was my birthday. I think this is the most low-key birthday ever.

Ah, okay, so the picture that I painted in your mind isn’t entirely accurate. There were some cheesy songs. But hey, they weren’t that bad. The singer at the restaurant sang a birthday album compilation consisting of ‘Happy Birthday’ in constant repetition and in two languages, ‘Tiup Lilinnya’ (Blow the Candles), and a nice ‘Panjang Umurnya’ (Long-Lasting Age(???)) piece to top it all off. Hey, thanks a lot. (I’m not being sarcastic! I truly appreciated the beauty and exquisite notes of those songs)

I’m always excited in planning surprises for my friends’ birthday, but never my own; which is weird in itself, because I usually like being the center of attention. Ha! But hey, I’m now legal and a hundred percent twenty-one, I have nothing to complain, I have everything I need..for now.

"Childish Memories"
December 30, 2007

Growing up is a funny thing. And let me tell you why.

You remember when we were small at how we all used to write things in our tiny little secretive journals? How we made everyone swear in the name of their most valuables that they would never take a peek into our diaries because oh, what we wrote was so scandalous and juicy? Yep, even when the most exciting thing in our lives that we could write about was our secret crush on the boy next door? No, not the gardener, this isn’t Desperate Housewives, please. Anyway, you know, that sort of thing?

Well, I was one of those people. Even as a child, I was a diary-junkie. I kept journals, in fact, a whole lot of them because I would get bored of writing in the same diary for a long period of time so after like, a month or so of writing almost everyday in the same book, I would get that itch to buy another one and start new in those fresh untouched papers and that’s the vicious cycle, ladies and gentlemen. I know, short attention span, right? Well, okay, so the old diaries (and every one of them all became old eventually) were always put to waste because they weren’t even full yet. Being somewhat of a geek, I’ve always loved stationary and the best shopping spree ever to me was buying sets of new colorful pens and organizers. Hey, there are a lot worse addictions out there, okay! Pens are so less harmful, and at least they’re cheap! My dad wouldn’t have headache this often if my obsession now is only limited to papers and pencils. So, anyway, I had up to ten journals and rereading all those entries again when I’m at least eight years older (much less-dramatic and more realistic, I hope) is amusing and embarrassing at the same time.

In addition to being an ungrateful spoiled little brat (for wasting papers and therefore, contributing towards the early stage of global warming, noooo!), I was also a complete list-freak. I would make a list of everything I could possibly make a list out. And I couldn’t just do that in mind, I had to write them all and perhaps I did that because I just loved to write too much so everything I felt had to be written down, I don’t know. Or maybe I was just simply a freak who has some kind of compulsive disorder. Well, anyway, I re-opened all my journals, and the oldest that I could find was from 1999 and I couldn’t believe how funny I sounded! I listed everything, from all the books I owned (as if I would take another look at it), magazines, cassettes, favorite film characters, television shows, and oh geez, I’m so ashamed, top three guys whom I wanted to marry, the contenders being Joshua Jackson, David Duchonvy and Robin Dunne. *can I dig my hole now?*

I wrote all sorts of ridiculous things, and when I said ‘ridiculous’, you better believe me. But reading all of these reminds me at how naïve and free and innocent I was. Okay, maybe not so innocent since I have been thinking of marrying someone when I was only, what, 12?

I guess in a way I forgot about that. I forgot about the way I used to be, the way I used to think and write, the way I used to feel. I forgot the time when I was so crazy towards The X-Files (okay, David Duchovny in specific), and Joshua Jackson, and Hewitt the tennis player, and Seifer from Final Fantasy, and Brian from the Backstreet Boys; I forgot the time when I was so obsessed with comic books and Sweet Valley novels; I forgot how nauseatingly girly I got when I had crush on the boy next door (seriously, he has the fairest thigh I have ever seen! Oops, not that I have seen a lot. How could I get to take a look at his thigh? Oh chill, it was a coincidence, he just happened to appear in shorts when I happened to drop by to his house, okay, Completely and utterly coincidental. Geez, I was 17.) I had a lot of funny thoughts that I expressed in writings and now, some years later I found them all really amusing, like somehow, I couldn’t believe it was me who wrote all those silly things and felt those silly thoughts.

But funnily enough, now that everything is coming back to me, I could picture myself at that time. I remembered that once, watching the latest episode of Party of Five seemed like a matter of life and death to me. All those comic books used to be so important and even though I couldn’t put a finger as to why I could get so engrossed to them in the first place, I knew that at one time, they were pretty darn vital. I could still feel that despite not being able to relate anymore.

It seemed like a long time ago but then again, maybe not so much. I guess I can still be that dramatic sometimes, it’s just the subject of my obsession is more justifiable now. Is it, really? Well, it’s funny that no matter how older you become, deep inside you’re still the same. I mean, okay, so I was obsessed with comics when I was 14 and I’m not anymore, but do I still like comics? Sure, I still read comics from time to time, the difference is just if there aren’t any, I wouldn’t go looking for it, and I sure wouldn’t spend all my pocket money on them like I used to. And yeah, I might be crazily in love with Joshua Jackson and David Duchovny back in time, but do I still think they are good-looking now? Sure. I wouldn’t say, “Oh my goodness, they scared the beejezus out of me!” but I wouldn’t go around looking for their posters anymore. You know what I mean? Come to think of it, my interests are still the same, it’s just that the comic books are replaced by novels and television series with only bunch of good looking actors are substituted by movies and series with good dialogues and story lines. I would still watch Buffy and think that it’s good, but I wouldn’t think the world is going to fall on me if I miss just one episode. And I still like writing in colorful pens, it’s just I have so many leftovers I don’t feel the overwhelming urge to buy new ones just yet, unlike that time when I was in high school that I just kept buying and buying until my pencil case was the size of pregnant stomach of a cow and everyone in class could just borrow pens from me and I could still have enough to sell and use the money to buy candies to feed the entire third world countries.

It's an interesting realization, that's all. It's funny to remember yourself as a child and all that hyperactive behavior and crazy likes, and look at yourself now to find that despite all the drastic changes from the surface, you're still pretty much the same on the core. You know what they say, "we have this innate set points, nothing much happens to us changes our disposition."

"I'm Tired of Having One Foot Out The Door"
December 18, 2007

Since when have I gotten so scared of plunging into a relationship? It would make sense if I’ve had some awful traumatic experiences in the past, at least they could explain my current state of fear, but I’ve never been bruised, let alone traumatized. But even so, I have to admit that I am scared, with whatever reason there is that I simply can’t materialized.

I’ve never been in love, so I’ve never actually been hurt before. I’ve had some exclusive relationships and countless casual ones which didn’t necessarily involve feelings and commitments, even when I was in supposedly good monogamous relationships. But make no mistake, I’ve never been unfaithful. I tried to put myself out there for the other person to grab and I waited patiently for them to excite me, shake my world and sweep me off my feet, metaphorically speaking. In all relationships I was in, even though I might not get in for the right reason in the first place, but I tried. I might not have enough feelings for them to begin with, but I always hoped that it could change, that eventually feelings could grow somehow. So I stayed there, doing whatever a good girlfriend is supposed to do: talk to him every night, walk home together after school, keep him company during weekends, support and take care of him, listen to all his stories and be there for him when he’s upset. I don’t know if that is even right, but I was willing to be a part of someone else, to be referred to as Tina and (boyfriend) instead of just me, and receive only one invitation to friends’ party as a couple instead of two separate individuals. I was even looking forward to a day when I could really see my then-boyfriend and feel that overwhelming rush of love and joy because he’s mine and nothing else seems to matter. But the day never came, of course, and the feelings-can-grow-philosophy is even more doubtful to me now than ever.

But I don’t know why. Those guys have always been very nice and great. They were caring and affectionate and it seemed like they adored me a lot too; which is supposed to be enough, no? Apparently I was and probably am a jerk for creating illusion as if I cared so much about them as well. Which I, in all honestly, did not.

And I wish I can tell them how sorry I am, because I really thought given enough time, I would finally fall for them and everything would just be great as both of us wanted to. But it was never the case. Because within months, I grew bored and tired of them altogether. I tried to shake the feelings, to assure myself that every couple is bound to experience the same feeling at some point of the relationship, I tried my hardest to justify myself that it would only be a temporary glitch in my part and that soon enough things would go back to normal. So I ignored the boredom and stuck to my end of the bargain. I prolonged the ‘us’ and I was back to being someone else’s girlfriend for some more weeks. Nobody else knew that I was relieved whenever I put down the telephone after talking to him for hours, or that sometimes I made up excuses not to go out on weekends.

But after more time, I soon found out that the boredom wouldn’t just go away and that the longer I waited, the more sick and annoyed I was towards him, his possessiveness, his jealousy and attentiveness and his continuing public display of affection which shouldn’t have bothered me in the first place if we’re talking about a normal girl instead of me.

As far as romance goes, that’s the typical story of my life. I’ve never restrained myself for relationship longer than four months. And I suppose the boredom started to kick in way sooner than that. But the thing that matters to me, and I hope all my past boyfriends know, is that I tried. I really did. I would never be in a relationship altogether if I didn’t. It just hasn’t worked out exactly as I wished.

Ever since my last exclusive relationship when I was 17, I simply haven’t been bothered anymore. I presumed I was young and free so there was no need to be with someone, even.

I was in that state for two years, broadening my view and opening myself as exchange for interesting bits and opposite stories from people, listening and finding out each and every persons’ personalities, their opinions and views, their liking and preferences, their families and cultures, and so many other details. Throughout those times, I made a lot of new friends and whole set of various stories to tell.

I haven’t been particularly thinking about relationships during that period because I was enjoying my freedom too much. But in the midst of some meaningless flings and romantic encounters, two in particular stood out because they were the nearest to an almost relationship. But again, story of my life always repeats itself. It began great, and there was this boredom and tiredness and ongoing irritation. So I let it go.

I don’t see any reason why I should be scared, but I am. I have always been a little terrified of commitment. I realized that many times I made excuses not to be with someone I liked because I kept telling myself that I would miss out on something, that perhaps, a better person would come along, or that I would be this boring person that don’t go out anymore because my boyfriend wouldn’t let me. Now that I think about it, maybe the one thing I’m not ready to lose is my own freedom. I like the feelings that I can go out whenever I like with whomever I want. There is always a part of me that can’t imagine how I would be like with a boyfriend, when I’m not referred as simply Tina, the free soul.

But I wonder how long this will last, because I'm starting to get tired of it. Tired and bored of this altogether, maybe it's the case of too much too early.

Gosh, I've never thought about that before. Writing it out really gives me perspectives.

Nothing Anymore

What's the purpose of words if you don't act on it? People can say anything their stomach feels like saying, the hell it doesn't make it true. I hate second guessing and expecting those people to come to their senses and please make good use of their brain and have the balls at least to admit that they've done wrong, or for goodness' sake, don't say anything in the first place at all. The world will be a much better place for the rest of humankind.

They told you they cared about you and you chose to believe them because you didn't know better and you're still a fucking idealist. Then they went awol and you were left with questions and more questions and you grew anger and anger by the day. You started to curse your own foolishness for trusting them in the first place. To you, promise was promise but apparently to others it was nothing more than sequence of words meant to create an illusion and make other people feel good at that time but ask them again the next day and they wouldn't know what you're talking about.

And you were starting to accept and forget. It was a mistake you made and that's all there was to it. A mistake. Maybe things were never meant to be perfect, and mistakes were bound to happen so you could truly appreciate the better that comes afterwards. Your blood boiled everytime his name was mentioned, but it was an accomplishment. At least you didn't cry your eyeballs out again, and you didn't feel unbeareably insecure anymore. Yeah, there were times when you were just angry at yourself, for not being able to make him stay, and for probably doing or saying something wrong, but then fuck. You would spend your life questioning yourself if you allow your mind to think that way, because it wasn't your fault. You've done this much and even if you've given them the moon or the mountain, they probably would still leave, you know.

So you've gotten past that and you were finally okay. But the experience stayed and you learnt from it. No words and sweet promises are necessary, there is no need for romantic and exaggerating compliments, all you want is for them to show you through the little things everyday.

You laughed and lived. And then suddenly they were back. They were back from wherever they have gone to, probably from hookerhood, and they expected you to feel the same, to response and act as if nothing has ever happened. They seemed genuinely shocked to find that you were fucking pissed when all you wanted to do was strangle their necks and stabbed them with that knife Sweeney Todd used. They tried to explain and they simply said they were in no state to keep in touch over that time, that they were bad at it and they never meant to hurt you. Oh, some guts they had.

"You'll see that a match like us doesn't come often", they said. Maybe not, but you'll live with that. You refused to put yourself out there again for them and once is enough. They tried to convince you with all their might, but to you, it was nothing but words. You hated how bitter and skeptical they made you feel, but that's the way it is. You trusted the wrong person and you couldn't see everyone with such innocence anymore.

But that's okay because none of it matters. You are simply tired now. It shouldn't be this hard, you know. The amount of hope and expectation they have built; the sweeter their words of affection, the worse you'd feel when they let you down. So you don't need that anymore. You would rather keep everyone on mute and so hopefully you'd know which one is genuine. They said they weren't giving up, that they would make it up to you somehow, that they 'tried' to ring you a lot of times, they 'tried' to send you flowers on your birthday, well the hell with that. What's the use?

You aren't angry, maybe angry is not the right word. You can talk to them in straight tone, you can look up and say what you have in mind in decent and polite voice. The anger has passed, and you realized it has done nothing good for you. So you are just...being indifferent. What you have with them now is nothing but a memory, and you intend to keep it that way. You probably can still be friends. But the possibility of something more has left. And for the first time, you are okay with that.

On Saturday

Okay, there are good and bad news. Which one would you rather hear first? The bad? Geez, you sure are a terrific friend, has anyone ever told you that? Put that in your resume, please, under 'Skills' - inflicting pain on people and enjoying seeing them miserable. I'm sure you will receive overwhelming calls, apparenty we're lacking of loansharks around here. Well, just one second into this and already I am making enemy. Please forgive me, I'm in no state of thinking logic. I am excited with a slight headache and a bad communication skills. Now if you don't mind, I'm going to start the real entry now.

Anyway, as you probably know (shame on you if you don't), I had my advertising exam yesterday and oh boy, oh boy, oh boy. Hah. Where should I begin? Hm. I can't decide, the part where I was staring aghast into the paper, the part where I was struggling so hard not to cry and make whimful sound, the part where I could smell horrified in the air, the part where I looked at others and quickly scribbled down incoherent letters on my sheet just to appear as if I had so much to write because my knowlegde on the subject was simply too much and overloading 'til I couldn't take it anymore I had to simply channel all these information or else! Which one? Which one! Bugger. I am so toast. I had all these notes heavy enough to kill, or if not, at least disable an arm of a burglar, and all those just materialized into a two-paper, ten-short questions! After ten minutes has passed and I was almost certain I wouldn't get struck by lightning or have one of those lightbulb moments, I made a whimful noise and pitied my whole existence in this planet. It's bad enough that I had flabby arms and frog-like thigh, I have to fail my subject too?? So what to do, I relied on my common sense. But don't start applauding yet. My common sense, as a matter of fact, is known to have shits for brain. So relying my whole future on my common sense which have proven more of its pathetic failures rather than its impressive achievements doesn't necessarily make me feel too convinced. But what happened has happened. I would like to thank everybody now for their supports and for believing in me, because after failing this exam, I probably would be kicked out of the college and house and I wouldn't afford to pay internet anymore, I would have to rummage through dustbins just to go to another ladies' night at zouk..For fuck's sake. Okay, you get the idea. It was a bad, bad afternoon.

But determined not to let that fact ruin my youth, I decided to go ahead and better my Saturday because quite frankly, it has gone down the hill by 1 pm. Yep, that must be a record. So late that night I headed out to MOS. I felt so much better a few glasses after. Ha! I was like, 'advertising what?!' Nope, no slightest recognition of the word 'advertising' there. Is it in arabic language or something? Because nope, I have never heard of it before in my life.


Had time to walk down and take pictures a bit. I hope you're not bored yet. Well, even if you are, just act interested, will ya. Anyway yesterday was so cold, I think it has been raining all evening so we were shivering our asses off while trying to look still presentable. I mean, look, I'm not that hairy but I look like a freaking hedgehog with all my hair standing up, okay! And please, do yourself a favor, do not imagine that. I wouldn't be responsible for you puking up your lunch.


Pretty, eh? I love the lights and the river. It was a chilly night but a great chilly one alright. We asked some people to take our pictures here and we tried to look for those with convincing faces, you know, like the faces of people who could hold the camera still for two seconds and not make us look like we're on a moving train or jogging somewhere to the sunset? Some guys looked damn convincing but they took the initiative to use the ZOOM option without consulting us (eer) so there were just our faces in the entire frame! And I would pat him on the back and call him 'dude' on normal circumstances, but the background was so damn nice, okay, I wanted it to be included in the picture. In the end, we reluctantly asked for an old auntie's help (but we were rolling our eyes and expecting the blurriest pic yet) and she took this picture! Okay, so we shouldn't judge a book by its cover. Okay. Got it. Sorry, auntie.


We just had to take pictures in the ladies. It's a must do. It's in the handbook. Which handbook? Well. I have to get back to you on that.








The lights are pretty cool, eh? Although, why did it have to strike me right on my eye?!

Okay, past the party, I would like to talk about something else here. I'm so excited now! My sis and I are going for this buffet dinner at Rendezvous Hotel and it's going to be so fabulous. Not just the dressing up part, I assure you, although I'm not complaning either. But will definitely take loads of pictures there.

Ah, and another good news is I have forced leave from the office this week due to chinese new year, so I'm free to be a pig! No irritating alarm clock at 6 am in the morning, no disturbance on my sleep right where I was almost kissing John Cusack in my dream. Bugger. That was close. Our lips were only 5 cm apart and then bang! bang! Suddenly there was this loud childish music (like in the circus) and I was snapped back to reality where John Cusack is simply unattainable. Bugger bugger bugger. So frustrated! Damn you childish alarm clock!

I'm going back to Jakarta this upcoming Thursday to collect my angpao. Hehe. No, really, I'm going back but not because of that reason, okay. I'm excited to have homemade cookings again, my favorite fried mushroom, wait for me, darling, I'll be right there in a few days.

On other notes, I saw Sweeney Todd last Thursday and I was so disturbed by it. And my friend's laughing wasn't helping either, okay. So I was scared of blood, but it was pure sadistic. Even though I shutted my eyes during the massacre part, I still could hear the sickening sound of people's whimpering when their necks were being cut open. I still could hear the sound of blood splashing in all direction and oh my god. Okay, I'm not going to relieve that moment. There's a reason why I wouldn't want to watch horror, you know.

Just another picture where we went for great karaoke session. We are so chinese, eh? =p



Okay, I think I better get ready now. Yeay! Buffet! Food! Sushi! Salmon! Advertising what??? I am sooo moving on. Yeah, until I receive my result slip. And then I will piss my pants off. -__-'

Walk

Just two days of work and I'm thinking of quitting already! I am a spoiled little brat! Okay, no, I'm not going to quit, but man, waking up at 6 every morning, dang! By now my feet are bruised everywhere and my pride is even worse, I call myself a woman?! By the way, the bruises are caused by hells, not by the waking-up-early-part. I mean, seriously, I would really freak out if that's the case, what, you think what am I doing in my sleep?! Just to paint a picture, my office is in Tanjong Pagar, I have to take bus from here to the train station, and from Tanjong Pagar I still have to walk for another 15 minutes or so to reach the office, so yeah, feet are quite the victims here. But ah, I love the feeling of walking home though. Cos it's late by that time and the weather is just perfect. And you feel so relieved finally getting through the day that you just want to skip rather than walk. Maybe that's just me.

Okay, what else. I just watched Sweeney Todd with J and 2 of his friends, who couldn't speak english, so basically it was like in the mute show.

And yeah! I have forced leave from tomorrow til next week so I'm free to wake up late for a while! Finally! But I have Advertising exam on Saturday, so tomorrow I must study, gosh. Anyway, I'm feeling anything but creative now, I'm beat! I'm going to hit the sack, cheers!:)