Welcome!: Nothing Anymore

Monday 4 February 2008

Nothing Anymore

What's the purpose of words if you don't act on it? People can say anything their stomach feels like saying, the hell it doesn't make it true. I hate second guessing and expecting those people to come to their senses and please make good use of their brain and have the balls at least to admit that they've done wrong, or for goodness' sake, don't say anything in the first place at all. The world will be a much better place for the rest of humankind.

They told you they cared about you and you chose to believe them because you didn't know better and you're still a fucking idealist. Then they went awol and you were left with questions and more questions and you grew anger and anger by the day. You started to curse your own foolishness for trusting them in the first place. To you, promise was promise but apparently to others it was nothing more than sequence of words meant to create an illusion and make other people feel good at that time but ask them again the next day and they wouldn't know what you're talking about.

And you were starting to accept and forget. It was a mistake you made and that's all there was to it. A mistake. Maybe things were never meant to be perfect, and mistakes were bound to happen so you could truly appreciate the better that comes afterwards. Your blood boiled everytime his name was mentioned, but it was an accomplishment. At least you didn't cry your eyeballs out again, and you didn't feel unbeareably insecure anymore. Yeah, there were times when you were just angry at yourself, for not being able to make him stay, and for probably doing or saying something wrong, but then fuck. You would spend your life questioning yourself if you allow your mind to think that way, because it wasn't your fault. You've done this much and even if you've given them the moon or the mountain, they probably would still leave, you know.

So you've gotten past that and you were finally okay. But the experience stayed and you learnt from it. No words and sweet promises are necessary, there is no need for romantic and exaggerating compliments, all you want is for them to show you through the little things everyday.

You laughed and lived. And then suddenly they were back. They were back from wherever they have gone to, probably from hookerhood, and they expected you to feel the same, to response and act as if nothing has ever happened. They seemed genuinely shocked to find that you were fucking pissed when all you wanted to do was strangle their necks and stabbed them with that knife Sweeney Todd used. They tried to explain and they simply said they were in no state to keep in touch over that time, that they were bad at it and they never meant to hurt you. Oh, some guts they had.

"You'll see that a match like us doesn't come often", they said. Maybe not, but you'll live with that. You refused to put yourself out there again for them and once is enough. They tried to convince you with all their might, but to you, it was nothing but words. You hated how bitter and skeptical they made you feel, but that's the way it is. You trusted the wrong person and you couldn't see everyone with such innocence anymore.

But that's okay because none of it matters. You are simply tired now. It shouldn't be this hard, you know. The amount of hope and expectation they have built; the sweeter their words of affection, the worse you'd feel when they let you down. So you don't need that anymore. You would rather keep everyone on mute and so hopefully you'd know which one is genuine. They said they weren't giving up, that they would make it up to you somehow, that they 'tried' to ring you a lot of times, they 'tried' to send you flowers on your birthday, well the hell with that. What's the use?

You aren't angry, maybe angry is not the right word. You can talk to them in straight tone, you can look up and say what you have in mind in decent and polite voice. The anger has passed, and you realized it has done nothing good for you. So you are just...being indifferent. What you have with them now is nothing but a memory, and you intend to keep it that way. You probably can still be friends. But the possibility of something more has left. And for the first time, you are okay with that.

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Quotes

There's a hundred million different ways of writing, and it takes you a long time to sort through that stuff. And I think it takes anyone a long time to find a voice.

You must learn to take the good with the bad, the happy with the sad, love what you’ve got and remember what you had. Learn to forgive, but never forget, learn from your mistakes but never regret. People change and things go wrong, but you just have to remember that life goes on.

The day before I’m supposed to be meeting Caroline for a drink, I develop all the textbook symptoms of a crush: nervous stomach, long periods spent daydreaming, an inability to remember what she looks like. I can bring back the dress and the boots, and I can see her bangs, but her face is a blank.

I don't know, I think that if I could just accept the fact that my life is supposed to be difficult. You know, that's what to be expected, then I might not get so pissed-off about it and I'll just be glad when something nice happens.

I can see now I never really committed to Laura. I always had one foot out the door, and that prevented me from doing a lot of things, like thinking about my future and... I guess it made more sense to commit to nothing, keep my options open. And that's suicide. By tiny, tiny increments.

There's a big fucking world out there. It's messy, and it's chaotic, and it's never, never ever the thing you'd expect. It is ok to be scared, but you cannot allow your fears to turn you into an asshole, not when it comes to the people that love you, the people that need you.

Maybe what I'm saying is, is the world might be evolving the way a person evolves. Right? Like, I mean, me for example. Am I getting worse? Am I improving? I don't know. When I was younger, I was healthier, but I was, uh, whacked with insecurity, you know? Now I'm older and my problems are deeper, but I'm more equipped to handle them.

I am nothing special; just a common man with common thoughts, and I've led a common life. There are no monuments dedicated to me and my name will soon be forgotten. But in one respect I have succeeded as gloriously as anyone who's ever lived: I've loved another with all my heart and soul; and to me, this has always been enough.

Later that day I got to thinking about relationships. There are those that open you up to something new and exotic, those that are old and familiar, those that bring up lots of questions, those that bring you somewhere unexpected, those that bring you far from where you started, and those that bring you back. But the most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you can find someone to love the you you love, well, that's just fabulous.

A woman needs to be held, even, and science has shown this, if its with someone she doesn't care about. Protective hormones are released, and the amount of hormones released depends on the degree to which she is held. The first and best is the complete surround. He wraps you in both arms, whispers how beautiful you are. Second best is the 'arm around.' He is next to you but with one arm around you. Third is he's just next to you on his elbow, but he rests his hand on your stomach and looks at you. Fourth is you snuggling up to him with your head on his chest, while he looks away into space. But when the first best happens, you feel completely, wonderfully like a woman.

So, so what, so fuck off, go home, leave you alone? I'll tell you something Paul, there isn't anything that I've wanted for eighteen years, cause I was a kid eighteen years ago. And if I did still want the same things I'd think I'd gone wrong somewhere, because actually I don't want to marry David Cassidy, I don't want bigger tits, I don't want to do better on my marks. I've stopped worrying about that kind of thing and maybe you should try.

Well maybe there's a big bit of you that's gone missing somewhere, maybe everyone should want something they've always wanted.

Why is it that adults aren't supposed to go mad about anything? You gotta keep a lid on it. And if you don't then people are apparently entitled to say what they like. "You haven't grown up. You're a moron. Your conversation is trivial and boorish. You can't express your emotional needs. You can't relate to your children." And you die, lonely and miserable. But you know, what the hell, every cloud has a silver lining.

I just woke up one morning and didn't feel the same way. Where did it go? It was like there had been a lot of food on a plate in front of us, and we ate it all really quickly, and then there was nothing left. Maybe that's how couples stay together: they're not greedy. They know that what they have in front of them has to last a long time, so they kind of pick at it. I hope it's not like that, though. I hope that when people are happy together, it feels as though someone keeps piling seconds and thirds on their plates.

That is what I have learned: Sex is destructive. Love is nothing to be fooled with. I learned that I was dangerous, not to be trusted. I wondered if my parents were right, with all of their stiff lovelessness. Maybe they knew better. My parents don't dole out love for the deserving or the undeserving. I was learning that love could cost me.

You could say all you liked about reason and logic and common sense and imagination, but when the chips were down, the one skill you needed was the ability to think about absolutely nothing whatsoever.

There is a comfort in never making an effort, but it's a lonely comfort. What keeps you going is the knowledge that you're only playing with only four cards showing. But when you see other people succeeding with their mediocre hands, you have to make a decision. If you turn over that final card you're certain of victory, but it also means you have nothing in reserve.

I’d gone through life believing in the strength and competence of others; never in my own. Now, dazzled, I discovered that my capacities were real. It was like finding a fortune in the lining of an old coat.

Maybe we all live life at too high a pitch, those of us who absorb emotional things all day, and as mere consequence we can never feel merely content: we have to be unhappy, or ecstatically, head-over-heels happy, and those states are difficult to achieve within a stable, solid relationship.