Saturday, 9 February 2008

Unhealthy Dose of Sensitivity

I prided myself for being sensitive; people come to me for advice or at least, a listening ear for their worries and concerns. I learnt to accept that I have this trait, and that I just simply can't help it. How could you tell a crying baby to stop crying? I can try being more reserved, I can try changing my behavior, but not how I feel, for heart is running on its own, it's fueled not by energy or something we can control. It's automatic, involuntary. We may deny, pretend we don't feel certain emotions, and nobody would have to know at all, but we ourselves feel it. And it's up to us how we would like to act upon it.

I have always thought that being sensitive is a good thing. I take people's feelings into consideration, because it is important to me. Even if I don't agree to things that my friends did, I would not blatantly tell them they're wrong. And maybe this is where my flaw lies, for I'm simply way too emotional. To the people I care about, my will to guard their feelings is far more crucial than proving them I'm right.

In this sense, I started to realize that my oversensitiveness possibly just bring more harm than good. Because just about how many persons out there who would protect my feelings too? So why do I even bother, why do I have to go all these troubles to give the best that I can when the only thing left for me is dissapointment?

I don't have to know a person for years to feel this way. Even to new friends, I feel attached easily, and when they choose to share their problems with me, then that becomes my burden too. But we're not talking about just friends here, because my friends never made me feel bad. It's like, sensitiviness is just a part of me and that's it.

But there are bound to be people whom you can't just treat as 'just platonic friends'. It's not that they make me feel bad, or as if I'm not good enough, but wIth them sometimes I wish I'm far less-emotional. I wish I could have that 'the hell with them' attitude, I wish I could be more indifferent and tough. Instead, I'm acting like a woman.

They probably don't even mean what I thought they meant, but being myself, I tend to jump into conclusions. They probably don't even realize they're doing things that upset me, but again, I'm already making an assumption. But despite all that, I have my own reasons to think that way, it's not as if suddenly I just launch into this crazy paranoid bitch. Most of the time I'm right but there are times when I should just back off, you know. I'm just emotional. (I made it sound like it's a disease - "I have STD" or "I'm compusilve disorder", "I'm emotional".)

I can pretend that I don't give a shit, but I'm not kidding anyone but myself. Little gestures triggered me, little signs irked me. Other normal homo sapiens probably wouldn't even notice 'em, but of course, I'm far from normal. I'm a rare species functioned like a human being but with a paranoid and a magnifying-eye for details.

I think my life would be much happier if I get to be a lot more nonchalant. I would not get hurt and I can be truly certain that those who managed to stay close for long, will definitely stay. You know? Cos they've gone through all the shits just to win your trust, and not the other way around with me for I believe the best in people. It might seem like a noble thing - believing the best in people, but that only applies if everyone in this planet is a decent human being. But people lie all the time. If you trust a lying jerk, you have noone else to blame but yourself in the end.

The thing about being too emotional is you get worried over nothing. You want to believe what you want to believe. You start seeing everything in amplifying light. You want to shrug things off but you simply can't.

I don't even know what I'm talking about, to be honest. I don't think I'm making any sense. This is me rambling again. Or you may call it, being emotional. Ha! Forget it.

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