Welcome!: the first time I didn't send poor victim to the road of unknown

Wednesday, 13 February 2008

the first time I didn't send poor victim to the road of unknown

I was running an errand. Asked to look for a product by my boss at this foreign building. Now if you know me well, or even just know me at all, you would understand that a sense of navigation has been long lost on my internal body. My parents are both excellent in this subject so I wouldn’t dare to even imagine where all those genes went. Maybe to the baby sitter. Shamelessly enough, even in my own neighborhood, it’s not that abnormal to find myself getting lost. A 20-seconds taxi ride to Jurong Stadium which is only 5 minutes away from my apartment is proof enough. But the happiest party around here would be the taxi driver. He couldn’t believe he would finally encounter someone (dumb enough) who would pay him at least his lunch to ‘fart’ his car the distance even a baby would accomplish.

Last week it was a phone card, two days ago it was to enquire a bank’s account number, yesterday it was chicken rice (the list is getting more random by day), and today it was tea leaves from a herbal Chinese shop. The part about the tea wasn’t the one bothering me, to be honest I would buy him a freaking chicken feet if he asks me to. (you can't get more random than that!)

The place, though, is another story. But I’d do it just to get out from the cold office and breathe some fresh air. So equipped with only the faintest idea about this whereabouts of the store, (which is inside this one condo, which is supposed to be right behind this weird building’s name.) I began yet another less-than-average self-performance. What’s worrying is that I had absolutely no clue where this weird-building’s name is, so it’s like a stupid loss trail.
But, I decided not to let my stupid face revealed. Instead, I nodded enthusiastically as if I have been habiting in the condo for the last twenty years of my life. Well, nobody has to know, right? Definitely not the big boss. You, maybe, but not him.

Besides, it should be simple. I mean, how far could this place be? How complicated could this get? What couldn’t an intelligent 21-year-old journalism student do?! Huh? What?! What?! I’d be such a disgrace for failing to do such simple task. And for once, I would not ask and expose my vulnerability, instead I wanted to explore, a word never been once associated with my name. Well, there's always a first time for everything.

To make long story short, I was beyond impressed with myself because I found the building in a breeze. So I got out from the office, counted my shirt button to determine whether I should go to the right or left, which resulted in left, so I did walk to the left blindly without assurance other than a little hope that my buttons had brain. And I mean, it was office complex, so buildings were everywhere, I was walking with my head tilted 45 degrees just to be able to read each building's name.

For once in a long time, I made the right decision, or rather, maybe my buttons did, because not long I spotted the weird-name building, and it was smooth sailing after. That wasn't the highlight of the story, though. Okay, I'm nowhere near Indiana Jones, but maybe I have taken a step towards Nancy Drew.

In the middle of my walk from the office to the train station, where I was mingling around with other adults (me? adult? never!), suddenly a confused looking woman stopped me. Funny she would stop me because I was in the midst of crowds, it's not like it was freaking deserted and I was the only one around. But she just instantly grabbed me and asked in shy polite voice, "Um...do you where this [weird-name-building] is?"

Aha! Yes! Yes! Yes! In fact I did!!!! I do!!!
"Yes. It's on that side, behind there..see? yes, there, turn left there.." the length of my explanation to that poor woman could put philosophers to shame.

But for once! For once I didn't send someone to the wrong direction! For once I actually knew what I was talking about! And the poor woman would safely arrive at the right place to meet her long-distance boyfriend whom she hasn't met for 2 years because of my help, emphasize that! capitalize, bold, italic, underline that last sentence!

Quite an achievement, don't you think, from my usual hopelessness? Not that I'm not hopeless anymore. But maybe I've upgraded a little bit. Ha!

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Quotes

There's a hundred million different ways of writing, and it takes you a long time to sort through that stuff. And I think it takes anyone a long time to find a voice.

You must learn to take the good with the bad, the happy with the sad, love what you’ve got and remember what you had. Learn to forgive, but never forget, learn from your mistakes but never regret. People change and things go wrong, but you just have to remember that life goes on.

The day before I’m supposed to be meeting Caroline for a drink, I develop all the textbook symptoms of a crush: nervous stomach, long periods spent daydreaming, an inability to remember what she looks like. I can bring back the dress and the boots, and I can see her bangs, but her face is a blank.

I don't know, I think that if I could just accept the fact that my life is supposed to be difficult. You know, that's what to be expected, then I might not get so pissed-off about it and I'll just be glad when something nice happens.

I can see now I never really committed to Laura. I always had one foot out the door, and that prevented me from doing a lot of things, like thinking about my future and... I guess it made more sense to commit to nothing, keep my options open. And that's suicide. By tiny, tiny increments.

There's a big fucking world out there. It's messy, and it's chaotic, and it's never, never ever the thing you'd expect. It is ok to be scared, but you cannot allow your fears to turn you into an asshole, not when it comes to the people that love you, the people that need you.

Maybe what I'm saying is, is the world might be evolving the way a person evolves. Right? Like, I mean, me for example. Am I getting worse? Am I improving? I don't know. When I was younger, I was healthier, but I was, uh, whacked with insecurity, you know? Now I'm older and my problems are deeper, but I'm more equipped to handle them.

I am nothing special; just a common man with common thoughts, and I've led a common life. There are no monuments dedicated to me and my name will soon be forgotten. But in one respect I have succeeded as gloriously as anyone who's ever lived: I've loved another with all my heart and soul; and to me, this has always been enough.

Later that day I got to thinking about relationships. There are those that open you up to something new and exotic, those that are old and familiar, those that bring up lots of questions, those that bring you somewhere unexpected, those that bring you far from where you started, and those that bring you back. But the most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you can find someone to love the you you love, well, that's just fabulous.

A woman needs to be held, even, and science has shown this, if its with someone she doesn't care about. Protective hormones are released, and the amount of hormones released depends on the degree to which she is held. The first and best is the complete surround. He wraps you in both arms, whispers how beautiful you are. Second best is the 'arm around.' He is next to you but with one arm around you. Third is he's just next to you on his elbow, but he rests his hand on your stomach and looks at you. Fourth is you snuggling up to him with your head on his chest, while he looks away into space. But when the first best happens, you feel completely, wonderfully like a woman.

So, so what, so fuck off, go home, leave you alone? I'll tell you something Paul, there isn't anything that I've wanted for eighteen years, cause I was a kid eighteen years ago. And if I did still want the same things I'd think I'd gone wrong somewhere, because actually I don't want to marry David Cassidy, I don't want bigger tits, I don't want to do better on my marks. I've stopped worrying about that kind of thing and maybe you should try.

Well maybe there's a big bit of you that's gone missing somewhere, maybe everyone should want something they've always wanted.

Why is it that adults aren't supposed to go mad about anything? You gotta keep a lid on it. And if you don't then people are apparently entitled to say what they like. "You haven't grown up. You're a moron. Your conversation is trivial and boorish. You can't express your emotional needs. You can't relate to your children." And you die, lonely and miserable. But you know, what the hell, every cloud has a silver lining.

I just woke up one morning and didn't feel the same way. Where did it go? It was like there had been a lot of food on a plate in front of us, and we ate it all really quickly, and then there was nothing left. Maybe that's how couples stay together: they're not greedy. They know that what they have in front of them has to last a long time, so they kind of pick at it. I hope it's not like that, though. I hope that when people are happy together, it feels as though someone keeps piling seconds and thirds on their plates.

That is what I have learned: Sex is destructive. Love is nothing to be fooled with. I learned that I was dangerous, not to be trusted. I wondered if my parents were right, with all of their stiff lovelessness. Maybe they knew better. My parents don't dole out love for the deserving or the undeserving. I was learning that love could cost me.

You could say all you liked about reason and logic and common sense and imagination, but when the chips were down, the one skill you needed was the ability to think about absolutely nothing whatsoever.

There is a comfort in never making an effort, but it's a lonely comfort. What keeps you going is the knowledge that you're only playing with only four cards showing. But when you see other people succeeding with their mediocre hands, you have to make a decision. If you turn over that final card you're certain of victory, but it also means you have nothing in reserve.

I’d gone through life believing in the strength and competence of others; never in my own. Now, dazzled, I discovered that my capacities were real. It was like finding a fortune in the lining of an old coat.

Maybe we all live life at too high a pitch, those of us who absorb emotional things all day, and as mere consequence we can never feel merely content: we have to be unhappy, or ecstatically, head-over-heels happy, and those states are difficult to achieve within a stable, solid relationship.