Welcome!: You and A Trip Gone Wrong.

Sunday 13 January 2008

You and A Trip Gone Wrong.

I know it's probably not healthy to be pissed off at this time of the day. After all, it's still 3 in the afternoon, and they say you're not allowed to get drunk before midnight. Well, at least when you're drunk, you have the excuse not to behave like yourself, and people forgive you for it.

I have all this anger towards you. Anger is probably not the right word, what, then? Dissapointment? Confusion? No, wait, make it anger too.

I'm a big girl, I'll be okay, whatever it is you're afraid to tell me. I don't know, the least you can do is have the decency to talk to me. What, you have the balls to f***ing start things with me and not end it? I know it seems impossible for us, and I'm not a fairy-tale dreamer either. I'll be okay. I'll probably be sad for some time but everyone's bound to feel sad at one point or another. I don't believe that you're only trying to guard me.

I would much rather know everyhing now. It doesn't matter what you're going to say as long as you promise you will be nothing but truthful. Isn't it funny, that I believed in you before, but not now, even though we're supposed to be a lot closer? Where's the logic in that? I think I deserve that, at the very least. Your honesty to set things clear. I just need you to know one thing, that I will really be okay.

I just need to get it off my chest.

As for what's going on with me, not much, actually. School won't start until the end of this month so I have quite a handful of time before then. I'm trying to write and read more (I know I've been reading this Sidney Sheldon book for some time and I'm embarrassed to admit that I'm still yet to finish it! But it's thick and the font is not exactly too friendly for my non-superhuman eyes, okay.) and between times, I'm trying to catch up more with friends and spend time with my sister before she starts working. Apparently by then, she will have been too cool to go out with me, different prestige level, she said. Haha, I'm kidding. She will just be super busy so I need to resort to friends and books to mend my lonely heart.

What else, just two days ago I had a really stupid experience. Okay, I might not known for my talent in 'navigating myself', let alone someone else. But I didn't even realize my mistake right until it's already done, and I have never felt any stupider than that. See, my friend and I were at Orchard after our dinner time, and we were set to go to Holland Village afterwards, the problem was, neither of us knew quite right as which bus to take, but as if that has ever stopped us. (okay, there was that time when we wanted to go to Dempsey Road and we were completely oblivious - but we were smart enough then to just resort to taxi!) Who did we think we were? Feminime version of Indiana Jones, the great adventurer? Ben Gates from National Treasure who dedicated himself to exploring new places and trying not to get killed in between?

But I mean, how difficult could it be, finding a bus from Orchard to Holland Village? I mean, Holland Village is not Timbuktu or anything. Countless buses go there, and Orchard is not Ethiopia either. So we took 123 bus after consulting the bus directory and boy, were we confident. The damn bus didn't come until almost half an hour later, and that was already good thirty minutes of our lives which we would never get back! (exclamation mark!) But fine, since my friend has been talking about how good the cockles were in one of the hawker at Holland V, I beared with it. The thought of cockles were what kept me going! Okay, I know I should've said, 'the lively ambience', or 'the numerous bars', but the cockles were all it's all about.

So finally we were settled in a chilly bus which its air-con was set in intention to turn all of its passengers into ice cubes, which then could be used to replace the melting ice in the Artic. Seriously, who sets the temperature?! The bus went on, and on, and on, and on, and it took us another 30 minutes to finally question where the hell we were. By that time, most passengers have alighted, leaving us with only one-other-probably-lost-too-woman. It was dark outside, and trees were everywhere and I felt like I was on the set of The Jungle Book. The street sign then revealed 'Bt.Permai' and we exchanged blank glances, it might as well show 'You-Stupid-Avenue' or 'Directional Retarded Road' and it wouldn't make any difference since we have never heard a place called Bt Permai in our entire lives.

What happened after was, it wasn't clear whether we just simply have missed our stops in Holland V, or whether we took the wrong bus route to begin with. Either way, we have wasted another hour of our brilliant lives which now didn't feel half as brilliant anymore. What gutted us more was that, we found out that the bus was going to go back to Orchard! Exactly to the same place we were! The exact bus stop which we waited thirty minutes at! If we weren't too busy cursing our own stupidity, we would have been already laughing our asses off.

On the way back to Orchard, though, we passed Clarke Quay and so I just suddenly snapped, 'let's just hop down here. It seems like a smarter move than just go back to where we first started..' And so there you go, the story on how we ended up at Clarke Quay on Friday night and on the time in chronological details when I had to kiss the cockles goodbye.

I'm glad we went there, though! Cockles aside, (what IS with me and cockles? Geez!) Clarke Quay's still a great place to hang out. There's just so much energy.

Ordered this mocktail (forgot the name), but it was too sour for my taste. The thing about going out just the two of us, it was rather troublesom to take pics cos we had to constantly ask for passers-by and waitresses' help.

So at least by the end of the night we didn't curse as much anymore, and we accepted the fact that we were directionally challenged people, and one lesson we learnt the hard way: when in doubt, just hail a cab!

No, seriously. I felt so embarrassed. It's not my fault my brain's made of by cells oblivious of the word 'map', 'navigation', 'streets', and 'avenues'. That must have been our first lousiest moments in 2008, and it's not even a month yet.

Compared to that incident, my yesterday's trip with Sis to Kallang seemed like a monumental achievement, although at a point we were struggling to find the right bus stop from the station to take us to the Leisure Park, but at least it didn't cost us our youth! An hour of my youth, don't remind me. Can you see my wrinkles already?

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Quotes

There's a hundred million different ways of writing, and it takes you a long time to sort through that stuff. And I think it takes anyone a long time to find a voice.

You must learn to take the good with the bad, the happy with the sad, love what you’ve got and remember what you had. Learn to forgive, but never forget, learn from your mistakes but never regret. People change and things go wrong, but you just have to remember that life goes on.

The day before I’m supposed to be meeting Caroline for a drink, I develop all the textbook symptoms of a crush: nervous stomach, long periods spent daydreaming, an inability to remember what she looks like. I can bring back the dress and the boots, and I can see her bangs, but her face is a blank.

I don't know, I think that if I could just accept the fact that my life is supposed to be difficult. You know, that's what to be expected, then I might not get so pissed-off about it and I'll just be glad when something nice happens.

I can see now I never really committed to Laura. I always had one foot out the door, and that prevented me from doing a lot of things, like thinking about my future and... I guess it made more sense to commit to nothing, keep my options open. And that's suicide. By tiny, tiny increments.

There's a big fucking world out there. It's messy, and it's chaotic, and it's never, never ever the thing you'd expect. It is ok to be scared, but you cannot allow your fears to turn you into an asshole, not when it comes to the people that love you, the people that need you.

Maybe what I'm saying is, is the world might be evolving the way a person evolves. Right? Like, I mean, me for example. Am I getting worse? Am I improving? I don't know. When I was younger, I was healthier, but I was, uh, whacked with insecurity, you know? Now I'm older and my problems are deeper, but I'm more equipped to handle them.

I am nothing special; just a common man with common thoughts, and I've led a common life. There are no monuments dedicated to me and my name will soon be forgotten. But in one respect I have succeeded as gloriously as anyone who's ever lived: I've loved another with all my heart and soul; and to me, this has always been enough.

Later that day I got to thinking about relationships. There are those that open you up to something new and exotic, those that are old and familiar, those that bring up lots of questions, those that bring you somewhere unexpected, those that bring you far from where you started, and those that bring you back. But the most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you can find someone to love the you you love, well, that's just fabulous.

A woman needs to be held, even, and science has shown this, if its with someone she doesn't care about. Protective hormones are released, and the amount of hormones released depends on the degree to which she is held. The first and best is the complete surround. He wraps you in both arms, whispers how beautiful you are. Second best is the 'arm around.' He is next to you but with one arm around you. Third is he's just next to you on his elbow, but he rests his hand on your stomach and looks at you. Fourth is you snuggling up to him with your head on his chest, while he looks away into space. But when the first best happens, you feel completely, wonderfully like a woman.

So, so what, so fuck off, go home, leave you alone? I'll tell you something Paul, there isn't anything that I've wanted for eighteen years, cause I was a kid eighteen years ago. And if I did still want the same things I'd think I'd gone wrong somewhere, because actually I don't want to marry David Cassidy, I don't want bigger tits, I don't want to do better on my marks. I've stopped worrying about that kind of thing and maybe you should try.

Well maybe there's a big bit of you that's gone missing somewhere, maybe everyone should want something they've always wanted.

Why is it that adults aren't supposed to go mad about anything? You gotta keep a lid on it. And if you don't then people are apparently entitled to say what they like. "You haven't grown up. You're a moron. Your conversation is trivial and boorish. You can't express your emotional needs. You can't relate to your children." And you die, lonely and miserable. But you know, what the hell, every cloud has a silver lining.

I just woke up one morning and didn't feel the same way. Where did it go? It was like there had been a lot of food on a plate in front of us, and we ate it all really quickly, and then there was nothing left. Maybe that's how couples stay together: they're not greedy. They know that what they have in front of them has to last a long time, so they kind of pick at it. I hope it's not like that, though. I hope that when people are happy together, it feels as though someone keeps piling seconds and thirds on their plates.

That is what I have learned: Sex is destructive. Love is nothing to be fooled with. I learned that I was dangerous, not to be trusted. I wondered if my parents were right, with all of their stiff lovelessness. Maybe they knew better. My parents don't dole out love for the deserving or the undeserving. I was learning that love could cost me.

You could say all you liked about reason and logic and common sense and imagination, but when the chips were down, the one skill you needed was the ability to think about absolutely nothing whatsoever.

There is a comfort in never making an effort, but it's a lonely comfort. What keeps you going is the knowledge that you're only playing with only four cards showing. But when you see other people succeeding with their mediocre hands, you have to make a decision. If you turn over that final card you're certain of victory, but it also means you have nothing in reserve.

I’d gone through life believing in the strength and competence of others; never in my own. Now, dazzled, I discovered that my capacities were real. It was like finding a fortune in the lining of an old coat.

Maybe we all live life at too high a pitch, those of us who absorb emotional things all day, and as mere consequence we can never feel merely content: we have to be unhappy, or ecstatically, head-over-heels happy, and those states are difficult to achieve within a stable, solid relationship.