Welcome!: What a Week.

Saturday 26 January 2008

What a Week.

I have been hibernating for months and now that I started functioning as a normal human being like the rest of you, I fell into great exhaustion. Brilliant, don't you think? What am I, 70?! The truth is, I think I just need some getting used to, plus I am still not a morning person. And I think public transportation sucks. Once you rely on 'em, bang! They look away and turn you down, simply left you bruised and traumatized for life. And when you start believing in them again, they would bang! Crash your intestines this time, haven't you learnt anything from the last time? I had my inside crushed a few days ago when I was waiting patiently with faith for the 198 bus. The time showed 8 am. You think most people would have been still in stage-four sleep (I've been learning too much psychology) and stage four means you're in deep deep shit, oops, I mean sleep. But of course I was wrong (I seemed to get everything wrong lately) and when the bus came, it was apparent that we were no longer in a healty relationship, no symbiosis-mutualism, and that 'it' has turned its back on me, literally. The bus didn't even stop, it just simply passed, leaving me with paranoid thoughts and I spent the rest of the day wondering 'where did I go wrong?' It wasn't enough that I had just been dumped by a dead-object, when the second bus arrived ten minutes later, the exact same thing happened. It was nearly 8.30 then and I was already having extravagent rage and temper tantrum. I wanted to flag a cab down real bad but even then, I still thought about how great of a relationship the bus and I have had over the years and I was just confused, why? Why? Although my heart had been bruised, I convinced myself that there must have been an explanation, so I allowed myself to believe in it once again. Sometime after 8.30, finally the bus and I made up. It apologized and I forgave. So it took me to school, but it was too late and I missed my quiz, but at least we got back together again and what doesn't kill you just makes you stronger.

Now, just forget everything that I said in the last 5 minutes, okay?

Great, now I feel better. I just slept for nearly 12 hours and it was the best sleep in days. For once, I didn't wake up with massive headache and hallucination. Science says you can't have lack of sleep and just make up for it in weekend, meaning I can't have four hours of sleep on weekdays and twelve hours on weekend to compensate for it because our bodies don't work like that, so if one day I suddenly collapsed or anything, at least you would know why and not be too surprised. "Ah, I've seen it coming, that girl has been abusing her body by making it work OTT everyday and not even giving it salary." But don't you know that our brain is most active when we're asleep? Our body is resting but the brain is the complete opposite, I think that's why I constantly have this excessive imagination and dramatic over-the-top ideas. Because I simply sleep too much. Hmm, I don't know how I feel about that. I guess that's a good thing? Hmm?

Aside from the getting-tired part, in a way I feel good because I start making my time useful and I actually do something other than partying and getting wasted, hey, speaking of partying......

I'm kidding. This last week has been very productive and I wrote more (although not here), that is, assignments and writing sample. And I actually reviewed things that have been taught in class at night (impressive, although the reason behind it is because of quiz, not because I have conscience) but the bottom line is the same, no?

The interview yesterday was fine, it wasn't a complete disaster like the other one, but again there were still things I wished I didn't say, ("Well, I take pictures just for fun because I'm very narcissistic, so no, I can't say I know photojournalism.." and "I like Sex and the City because of the obvious? The sex part?" just to mention two, believe me, I wished my mouth has a censor-board), but well the boss seemed not so appaled so who knows. He asked whether I had facebook all while clicking and tapping away in his laptop, I had a hunch he searched into my profile hoping to know more about my real personality. (Shit, all my partying pictures.......) On the bright side, yesterday I was simply too tired to care about my answer, I was definitely sleepy and I started seeing stars halfway through the cab journey to the office, but thanks to the damn talkative taxi driver, I managed to keep my eyes open with all the strength I could muster, so I was just happy to get it over with. No time to get nervous, once the boss settled me into his small office, I was talking and nodding (hopefully) all in the right places while struggling not to yawn. So I said it went well.

The trip back home was another story. Guilty for wasting too much money on cab lately, I decided to walk and took train instead. It was quite a distance from the office to the train station so I was already panting pathetically then. On top of that, I was wearing heels, and the sun was blazing it could set eggs to fry. I didn't feel sleepy anymore, yipee. The yawn has miraculously dissapeared and replaced by sweat and unglam face. I chose yawn everytime. Damn it. Took the train afterwards from Tanjong Pagar (which was where the office is) and alighted at Chinese Garden just to walk again to the flat. I swear it was the hottest day ever, and for once it wasn't because of me. (Ha!) My feet were killing me, my bag was so heavy (I went to the interview straight from school and you should see how thick my textbook is...And yes, why the hell is there school on a Saturday?!) I almost lost the feeling of my shoulder, and the heat was enough to set my temper right to boiling point. I was mad!

Nearing the apartment just when I was about to cross the street, some guy approached me. I looked at him deadly because he obviously kept me from my soon-anticipated-nap-of-the-year.

The-Guy-Who-Would-Have-Been-Sidekicked-If-This-Was-My-Dream: "Hi, excuse me.."
Me: "What?!"
The-Guy-Who-Was-Obviously-Slow-In-Brain-Department: "Um..Do you know.."
Me: "What?????!!!"
The-Guy-Who-Was-Apparently-Also-Slow-In-Language-Department: "Do you know where the nearest post office is?"
Me: "No."
The-Guy-Who-Had-Problem-With-His-Ear: "......."
Me: "No, I'm sorry, I don't know."
The-Guy-Who-Should've-Known-Better: "You don't?"
Me: (losing patience) "I. Don't."
The-Guy-Who-Should've-Shutted-Up-and-Walk-Away: "But don't you live around here?"

Seriously. What am I, a damn street directory? Mayor of the Town? A freaking postman?! Besides, what was his point anyway? I already told him I did not know, why should he go on and make an accuse as if I'm a bad citizen for not knowing where the post office was?!

Gee, if I was in another mood I probably would have helped him look for the pos office, all while holding hands and skipping, but I was in no mood of such. By then I was sure I must have had blisters all over my feet and looked like a zombie. Okay, I surely didn't make myself look appealing. But as you can already tell, I'm not a big fan of sweating and it makes me grumpy.

Yeah. I think I've described it pretty well. Far more than you wished to know. Or care.

Friday night, the previous day of the 'grumpy ol' me-scenario, which probably would explain why I was so sleepy. We were having late dinner (better known as supper) at Clarke Quay but something was missing: my energy, oohh where art you? I need some good old trashy shameless fun party. -__-'

And just for making this entry a bit more longer than necessary, we were chillin' at Starbucks where we occupied the best seats of all - the big couch nearest to the door overlooking the street, if you picture the Starbucks near Heeren (opposite Meritus Hotel) you would know what I mean.

Feeling quite 'super' that day. Because my class ends at 12.30 everyday, I feel like I have the entire day to do whatever, now I know why time usually feels so fast (yeah, because I wake up at 1 in the afternoon? Half of the day basically has passed while I'm sinking myself to further pig-doom.)

So long story short..(short? Are you kidding me?) I'm now enjoying a good old sleep, finally. Not now, technically I'm wide awake now, but I mean today. Tomorrow's another hard working day and I'm counting my 'lover' to not let me down. Speaking of tomorrow,..I have a paper I have yet to make, but I'm seeing Atonement this evening so I'm quite excited. Until next time?;)

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Quotes

There's a hundred million different ways of writing, and it takes you a long time to sort through that stuff. And I think it takes anyone a long time to find a voice.

You must learn to take the good with the bad, the happy with the sad, love what you’ve got and remember what you had. Learn to forgive, but never forget, learn from your mistakes but never regret. People change and things go wrong, but you just have to remember that life goes on.

The day before I’m supposed to be meeting Caroline for a drink, I develop all the textbook symptoms of a crush: nervous stomach, long periods spent daydreaming, an inability to remember what she looks like. I can bring back the dress and the boots, and I can see her bangs, but her face is a blank.

I don't know, I think that if I could just accept the fact that my life is supposed to be difficult. You know, that's what to be expected, then I might not get so pissed-off about it and I'll just be glad when something nice happens.

I can see now I never really committed to Laura. I always had one foot out the door, and that prevented me from doing a lot of things, like thinking about my future and... I guess it made more sense to commit to nothing, keep my options open. And that's suicide. By tiny, tiny increments.

There's a big fucking world out there. It's messy, and it's chaotic, and it's never, never ever the thing you'd expect. It is ok to be scared, but you cannot allow your fears to turn you into an asshole, not when it comes to the people that love you, the people that need you.

Maybe what I'm saying is, is the world might be evolving the way a person evolves. Right? Like, I mean, me for example. Am I getting worse? Am I improving? I don't know. When I was younger, I was healthier, but I was, uh, whacked with insecurity, you know? Now I'm older and my problems are deeper, but I'm more equipped to handle them.

I am nothing special; just a common man with common thoughts, and I've led a common life. There are no monuments dedicated to me and my name will soon be forgotten. But in one respect I have succeeded as gloriously as anyone who's ever lived: I've loved another with all my heart and soul; and to me, this has always been enough.

Later that day I got to thinking about relationships. There are those that open you up to something new and exotic, those that are old and familiar, those that bring up lots of questions, those that bring you somewhere unexpected, those that bring you far from where you started, and those that bring you back. But the most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you can find someone to love the you you love, well, that's just fabulous.

A woman needs to be held, even, and science has shown this, if its with someone she doesn't care about. Protective hormones are released, and the amount of hormones released depends on the degree to which she is held. The first and best is the complete surround. He wraps you in both arms, whispers how beautiful you are. Second best is the 'arm around.' He is next to you but with one arm around you. Third is he's just next to you on his elbow, but he rests his hand on your stomach and looks at you. Fourth is you snuggling up to him with your head on his chest, while he looks away into space. But when the first best happens, you feel completely, wonderfully like a woman.

So, so what, so fuck off, go home, leave you alone? I'll tell you something Paul, there isn't anything that I've wanted for eighteen years, cause I was a kid eighteen years ago. And if I did still want the same things I'd think I'd gone wrong somewhere, because actually I don't want to marry David Cassidy, I don't want bigger tits, I don't want to do better on my marks. I've stopped worrying about that kind of thing and maybe you should try.

Well maybe there's a big bit of you that's gone missing somewhere, maybe everyone should want something they've always wanted.

Why is it that adults aren't supposed to go mad about anything? You gotta keep a lid on it. And if you don't then people are apparently entitled to say what they like. "You haven't grown up. You're a moron. Your conversation is trivial and boorish. You can't express your emotional needs. You can't relate to your children." And you die, lonely and miserable. But you know, what the hell, every cloud has a silver lining.

I just woke up one morning and didn't feel the same way. Where did it go? It was like there had been a lot of food on a plate in front of us, and we ate it all really quickly, and then there was nothing left. Maybe that's how couples stay together: they're not greedy. They know that what they have in front of them has to last a long time, so they kind of pick at it. I hope it's not like that, though. I hope that when people are happy together, it feels as though someone keeps piling seconds and thirds on their plates.

That is what I have learned: Sex is destructive. Love is nothing to be fooled with. I learned that I was dangerous, not to be trusted. I wondered if my parents were right, with all of their stiff lovelessness. Maybe they knew better. My parents don't dole out love for the deserving or the undeserving. I was learning that love could cost me.

You could say all you liked about reason and logic and common sense and imagination, but when the chips were down, the one skill you needed was the ability to think about absolutely nothing whatsoever.

There is a comfort in never making an effort, but it's a lonely comfort. What keeps you going is the knowledge that you're only playing with only four cards showing. But when you see other people succeeding with their mediocre hands, you have to make a decision. If you turn over that final card you're certain of victory, but it also means you have nothing in reserve.

I’d gone through life believing in the strength and competence of others; never in my own. Now, dazzled, I discovered that my capacities were real. It was like finding a fortune in the lining of an old coat.

Maybe we all live life at too high a pitch, those of us who absorb emotional things all day, and as mere consequence we can never feel merely content: we have to be unhappy, or ecstatically, head-over-heels happy, and those states are difficult to achieve within a stable, solid relationship.