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Friday, 14 August 2009

Stuck and A Plan in Motion

Just as you go through phrases in life, sometimes I find myself 'stuck'. No, I'm not talking about anything heavy here. Please, I'm having too much of a blonde moment right now to be worrying about my uncertain and bleak future, blah blah blah.

I'm referring to my absence in writing. Hey, there's a thing called 'writer's block' for a reason, isn't there? My creativity is scarce like a drop of water in the desert. Let alone composing a barely readable post, I can't even make a decent structured sentence without hurting my head. Something is obviously wrong, but I think to myself that I might easily just be having one of those rough patches in one's unprofessional credential.

Gimme a break.

Is it possible to suddenly run out of ideas? It is, right? Afterall, I've spent so much time in the past writing bollocks out of nothing. There's a chance I simply have just exhausted all my life's worth of words and opinion. Well, at least for the time being that seems to be the case. (Because otherwise, it's too grim of a reality to imagine. My look is just what I have left after I win people over with my personality.)

I'm fairly certain it will eventually come back to me, out of the blue and unexpectedly. There's a phrase about that, right? That, um, things work out in the most unexpected ways?

Ah, well, I'm just trying to console myself, I guess. And apparently, failing miserably too.

But, I'm taking preventive steps! Well, not necessarily 'preventive', perhaps 'recovery' is a better word. Yes, I'm taking recovery steps to regain my inspiration back. My creativity juice, my chi, my center in life!

I thought, if I could do something out of the ordinary, perhaps that would make a difference. Maybe to avoid being stuck, I should just go in a completely different direction, so I'll always venturing out to new territories. No way I can get stuck there, right?

After I proudly came up with this game plan, I started thinking about, well, the new things I should try doing. Only then did I realize that this idea only works well in theory, and once again, well, remember the blonde moment I was talking about earlier? Yeah, having a major one at the moment.

I was intending to take drastic measures. But within reason, I certainly can't help to find the cure for cancer, or lead the blind, can I?

Left out with nothing much after crossing those two off my list, I realized too that I probably won't be able to learn korean, make pottery, or do rock climbing in foreseeable future.

Anyway, maybe I should start with baby steps. Aim high, shoot low. (Heck, I don't even know what that means to this day.) Make a change within myself, I mean. And what's one thing I've always wanted to change about myself, but never been able to? (due to serious lack of motivation, determination. In short, pure and simply laziness.)

Exercising!

(Not 'stop talking', 'stop writing gibberish' or 'stop partying'. Sorry.)

Yes, working out. 'Working out' and I haven't exactly been friends. We were introduced one time, and we didn't hit it off at all. We had nothing in common, and we didn't talk for the rest of the semester.

Maybe it's time to make amends with this fella. See if we can be good acquaintances at the very least.

Thus, with this new plan in motion, I just came back from a swim, which in itself is a pretty unlikely of me to do at 8 o'clock at night when I normally would have been laying in the couch, munching potato chips.

And also, that's why I went back and forth to the video store a few days ago on foot, which is unlikely too, and I actually enjoyed it. Although, I had a big dinner afterwards. Not that it's the point.

That's also why I planned to do a little hiking this weekend, which is yet to happen, I know, so there's a chance I might back out of it. But fingers crossed I won't! See, I'm taking steps to recovery.

I'm speaking as if I'm a mental patient in a clinic who needs to ehm, recover in quotation mark. No! All I want is to get my inspiration back. (I don't know what's the connection between those two, but let's just say there is one. I'm forcing it.) Afterall, if yoga is indeed relaxing and can help you to reduce stress, then why wouldn't it work in any other ways, right?

Swim and you'll be inspired! Jog and voila! You study better! Etc, etc, etc.

The things I do to be able to write again...Now that's the spirit, my friend! See, even writing about wanting to work out just so I could write again, already helped me to write this entry about that very topic, eh, now I'm confused.

Ah! Better end this now.

I should start working out before I turn completely into someone with no opinion and absolutely nothing interesting to say.

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Quotes

There's a hundred million different ways of writing, and it takes you a long time to sort through that stuff. And I think it takes anyone a long time to find a voice.

You must learn to take the good with the bad, the happy with the sad, love what you’ve got and remember what you had. Learn to forgive, but never forget, learn from your mistakes but never regret. People change and things go wrong, but you just have to remember that life goes on.

The day before I’m supposed to be meeting Caroline for a drink, I develop all the textbook symptoms of a crush: nervous stomach, long periods spent daydreaming, an inability to remember what she looks like. I can bring back the dress and the boots, and I can see her bangs, but her face is a blank.

I don't know, I think that if I could just accept the fact that my life is supposed to be difficult. You know, that's what to be expected, then I might not get so pissed-off about it and I'll just be glad when something nice happens.

I can see now I never really committed to Laura. I always had one foot out the door, and that prevented me from doing a lot of things, like thinking about my future and... I guess it made more sense to commit to nothing, keep my options open. And that's suicide. By tiny, tiny increments.

There's a big fucking world out there. It's messy, and it's chaotic, and it's never, never ever the thing you'd expect. It is ok to be scared, but you cannot allow your fears to turn you into an asshole, not when it comes to the people that love you, the people that need you.

Maybe what I'm saying is, is the world might be evolving the way a person evolves. Right? Like, I mean, me for example. Am I getting worse? Am I improving? I don't know. When I was younger, I was healthier, but I was, uh, whacked with insecurity, you know? Now I'm older and my problems are deeper, but I'm more equipped to handle them.

I am nothing special; just a common man with common thoughts, and I've led a common life. There are no monuments dedicated to me and my name will soon be forgotten. But in one respect I have succeeded as gloriously as anyone who's ever lived: I've loved another with all my heart and soul; and to me, this has always been enough.

Later that day I got to thinking about relationships. There are those that open you up to something new and exotic, those that are old and familiar, those that bring up lots of questions, those that bring you somewhere unexpected, those that bring you far from where you started, and those that bring you back. But the most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you can find someone to love the you you love, well, that's just fabulous.

A woman needs to be held, even, and science has shown this, if its with someone she doesn't care about. Protective hormones are released, and the amount of hormones released depends on the degree to which she is held. The first and best is the complete surround. He wraps you in both arms, whispers how beautiful you are. Second best is the 'arm around.' He is next to you but with one arm around you. Third is he's just next to you on his elbow, but he rests his hand on your stomach and looks at you. Fourth is you snuggling up to him with your head on his chest, while he looks away into space. But when the first best happens, you feel completely, wonderfully like a woman.

So, so what, so fuck off, go home, leave you alone? I'll tell you something Paul, there isn't anything that I've wanted for eighteen years, cause I was a kid eighteen years ago. And if I did still want the same things I'd think I'd gone wrong somewhere, because actually I don't want to marry David Cassidy, I don't want bigger tits, I don't want to do better on my marks. I've stopped worrying about that kind of thing and maybe you should try.

Well maybe there's a big bit of you that's gone missing somewhere, maybe everyone should want something they've always wanted.

Why is it that adults aren't supposed to go mad about anything? You gotta keep a lid on it. And if you don't then people are apparently entitled to say what they like. "You haven't grown up. You're a moron. Your conversation is trivial and boorish. You can't express your emotional needs. You can't relate to your children." And you die, lonely and miserable. But you know, what the hell, every cloud has a silver lining.

I just woke up one morning and didn't feel the same way. Where did it go? It was like there had been a lot of food on a plate in front of us, and we ate it all really quickly, and then there was nothing left. Maybe that's how couples stay together: they're not greedy. They know that what they have in front of them has to last a long time, so they kind of pick at it. I hope it's not like that, though. I hope that when people are happy together, it feels as though someone keeps piling seconds and thirds on their plates.

That is what I have learned: Sex is destructive. Love is nothing to be fooled with. I learned that I was dangerous, not to be trusted. I wondered if my parents were right, with all of their stiff lovelessness. Maybe they knew better. My parents don't dole out love for the deserving or the undeserving. I was learning that love could cost me.

You could say all you liked about reason and logic and common sense and imagination, but when the chips were down, the one skill you needed was the ability to think about absolutely nothing whatsoever.

There is a comfort in never making an effort, but it's a lonely comfort. What keeps you going is the knowledge that you're only playing with only four cards showing. But when you see other people succeeding with their mediocre hands, you have to make a decision. If you turn over that final card you're certain of victory, but it also means you have nothing in reserve.

I’d gone through life believing in the strength and competence of others; never in my own. Now, dazzled, I discovered that my capacities were real. It was like finding a fortune in the lining of an old coat.

Maybe we all live life at too high a pitch, those of us who absorb emotional things all day, and as mere consequence we can never feel merely content: we have to be unhappy, or ecstatically, head-over-heels happy, and those states are difficult to achieve within a stable, solid relationship.