Changes.

When I was four, he used to beat me up with belt and duster whenever I behaved badly.
When I was five, he poured milk all over my head because I didn't want to drink a well-prepared glass of milk.
When I was six, he locked me up in the bathroom to teach me a lesson to not be disobedient again.
Somewhere along the line, he stopped punishing me for my mistakes.
Maybe I simply grew up and finally got my act together.
But a part of me believed he has become softer as he aged.

During my junior high, I always turned to him whenever I wanted something so badly.
During senior year, he was unable to say 'no' even though what I wanted was simply trivial and materialistic things.
When I turned seventeen, he asked me what I wanted and how I wanted to celebrate my birthday.
Somewhere along the line, he became my biggest supporter and fan, and someone who would always take care of my problems.

Over the years, he became my only parent and it changed everything.
I'd like to think that after everything that's happened, it only brought us closer together.
Because now, he is just as hurt and broken as I am.
Yet, he continues being a strong figure for our sake.
He's not perfect, but he tries.

I know it is still far from the truth,
But I hope that to you, I have become someone that you could be proud of too.
I hope you could see how much I have changed and trust me for my judgment.
Although, there is so much more that I haven't seen and so much more I have to learn.

~ Celine, "Before Sunrise"

I always feel this pressure of being a strong and independent icon of womanhood, and without making it look like my whole life is revolving around some guy. But loving someone, and being loved means so much to me. We always make fun of it and stuff. But isn't everything we do in life a way to be loved a little more?

Happy birthday, me. ;)

I’m terribly bad at this recently. But here we are again; another year has passed in Tina’s life cycle. (That’s me, by the way.)

For the umpteenth time, let me just say that I’m never big on birthdays. I haven’t been excited about birthdays since I discovered that Santa is not real, and that Seifer Almasy is just a fictional character I can’t meet and marry. Life’s tough. My point is, I gladly let every year pass without much of a fuss if it’s up to me. But people expect you to clink a glass of champagne or two and make a toast. Well, this is slightly a metaphor.

Today at work my colleague kept asking me what my plan is for tomorrow. I sort of just stared at her blankly and said, “um, nothing.” She looked so shocked as if she just saw a UFO flying in the air. Tomorrow, in fact, is my birthday and yet, I will wake up and do the same routine that I have been doing in the past year.

Ah, maybe I’m gonna throw in extra earring but that purely depends whether I will get ready in time or if I’ll be rushing from home without checking myself in the mirror. Either way, nothing will change.

The one thing that I’ll be concerned about is whether I will have wrinkles the next time I look in the mirror. After all, I’ll be 24 in less than 2 hours! Fuck! (Did I just curse? Sorry! That was very unlady-like of me.)

It has become a habit though, to write my thoughts each year in this blog, so I’m not gonna break the tradition this time around, even though I’m not exactly celebrating the occasion. My perfect birthday will be, if I’m home, surrounded by my family and closest friends, and there’s that. I’m happy.

However, my mom is no longer around and my dad is not coming here until the 25th. My best friend is away on a vacation overseas, and some of my really good friends are not even in Singapore anymore. I know I still have my sisters here and thank goodness for that. Otherwise, I’m seriously going to just stay in tomorrow, fake sick, and sulk in misery.

For the past year being 23 though, I can proudly say that I’ve been good. (So Santa, I deserve a present.) My whole life has been filled with work, responsibility and things I have not fully appreciated yet until now. I love being able to work and earn my own money, and getting to spend it to make myself happy, to treat my sisters, to plan for things I want to do. Throughout school days, I kept spending, and now I’m gaining it all back.

My focus has been in work, and I don’t know what it will be in the next year. I hope it will be more on myself.

So I guess if I really have to celebrate my birthday, or to say something as a toast for this occasion, is for my 24-years old self to be able to maintain a balance. Take better care of myself, have better judgment, and learn that sometimes, saying no is a good thing.

Happy 24th, yourself. ;)

Things I learn this week.

That I’m a person inspired by kindness. Your best friend being nice to you is one thing, but a random stranger surprising you with an act of kindness is quite another. I want to be a better person so I can make another random person feel the same way.
It is action, not words, that matters.

Just as it is easy for me to feel empathetic and genuinely appreciative of others, it goes the same quite the opposite way. I don’t have the patience for rudeness and ungratefulness.

I’m not a multitasker, although that probably does not come as a surprise.

I reach a point where things get to me and then I just freak out.

Making a list is really important for me. Without it, I’m like a scattered mess. I need to know what I’m doing and what I’m about to do. I need to think one thing at a time. Although that is easily forgotten; so most of the time I have to stop myself from freaking out to sort myself out.

This is beautiful.

You are constant
And fearless--
And despite the darkness threatening to consume your whole,
You send your face to the dirt.
And there in the rain and the earth
And all the beautiful complexities of grit,
You see why I can never join you.
Under the gardens of darkness you dig your tunnels
While I take in the sunrise above.
At last the rain stops and I am clean
And though the sun will never reach your face--
In muddy caverns
I still find your passionate ruin entrancing.
And I will keep your place in the sun.

~ By Shawna Howson.

Not Sure.

Lately I've been thinking about..well, just things in general. Friends. Work. Last night I met some of my college friends whom I'm still very close with. Being with them seem so easy and effortless. We got close because of the things we had in common, real friends who have been with me for the past five years or so.

You know you reach a point in your life: when you feel like you're doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results? Or when you feel like meeting new people is exhausting rather than exciting because you're tired of the small talk but the not-so-new people aren't exactly the ones that keep you inspired?

I found it far easier to meet and talk to people that I truly was interested in knowing when I was back in university. Somehow the 9-6 routine does manage to take away the excitement of making some real friends, one with which you don't have to be superficial with.

Work life is so different. Your friends are your colleagues whom you see everyday in the office environment, who you share your lunch breaks with. Take those away, and what's left?

I don't know. I'm kinda rambling. Not sure what I'm getting at. Maybe I just miss college days. Being an adult isn't as merry as it seemed.

Smiley.

Another Week.

Whenever I meet someone new, or in that phase or just getting to know someone, I always like to ask a lot of questions. How do you know someone otherwise, right? So I thought, I can do it here. The problem is, aside from probably 2 of my family members, nobody else actually reads this. (Speaking of which, I have to ask my sisters when was the last time they logged in here) So sad. The story of my life.

What's sadder is asking a question and having myself answer it! But what to do, right? Anyway, I come across a blog in another person's website with some interesting questions. So here's what I'm gonna do. Whenever I feel like it (read: have no more interesting subject to write about), I'll post each question and we'll see.

For someone with lots of opinion (and unable to shut up), this could be fun. You can answer it too and we'll..um, get to know each other better. (although I'm already in first-name basis with both my sisters. How 'well' do you want us to get?)

(You know I'm kidding, don't you?)

So, yeah! Let's get that on next! But first things first, I just would like to write some updates in the past week. Work? You really wanna know? Well. It's going fine, I suppose. I love my customers and all, but sometimes I'm so frustrated I wanna just scream on top my lungs: GIVE ME A BREAK! It's bad enough that these days I have to always work on Saturdays when I'm not supposed to, but even on Saturday night, or on a Sunday, I keep getting calls and texts from customers.

Alright, alright. I'm gonna stop right here. I'm gonna end up complaining more than I should if I continue. So let's move on, shall we? Over the weekend I started watching season 8 of 24, which is pretty good! My friend was really awesome for burning the complete season on CD. I think I have to treat him dinner or something. I've started rereading Harry Potter again. Last night we watched the 7th installment on DVD again so it seems right to read the last book before the movie comes out next week.

I also impulsively booked a ticket to Hong Kong for next year!

I know, it's so not me to be impulsive, but I did it!

I'll get nervous thinking what I'm gonna do if I really have to travel alone, so I'm not going to. It's still a couple months away so I figured there's plenty of time for my friends to join me (or me to chicken out?) It's exciting though!

Met some old friends on Friday night which was really fun!

Hope you had a nice weekend too and we'll catch up soon! ♥

Now this is not worth reading.

You know I'm feeling bored when I'm starting to goof around with my camera and taking pictures and all.

At least Monday is over. Catch up with you soon!

Quote of the Day

After everything, I still believe this world is a beautiful place.

October Highlights

Oh my gosh, this month is passing by so quickly! I almost couldn’t believe when I woke up and saw the calendar the other day. It’s already November?! Shopping malls are starting to put Christmas decorations, and more than once I had to stop myself just to think about what a year it has been!

Alright, so I haven’t exactly found cure for cancer, or won any lotteries. I probably haven’t made significant changes to anyone’s lives but I feel like I have changed a great deal and gone through a lot! Wow, now this sounds like something I should write at the end of the year!

Yeah, fine. I’m gonna stop myself here then. Otherwise I won’t have much to talk about again coming December.

Just thought it might be appropriate to write some snippets of the things that’s been happening this month, since I hardly blog anymore (again, not that I don’t want to!) I hope I can redeem myself (and my typing skills.) Oh, by the way, I’m writing this on my laptop at home on a Friday evening, while the television is playing in mute. The only sound I’m hearing is my own tapping of keyboards and tickles of waters from the pool outside my unit. Ah, complete bliss.

1) Phuket trip (01-04 Oct)
First time going to Phuket and first time travelling with my two dear colleagues! I thought I was going to have a relaxing weekend abroad when I could just lay down in the beach and sun tanned all day long, and got drunk every night. I couldn’t have been more wrong! Reality was, it was a full-packed action weekend, filled with adrenaline-rush, lots of raining and getting wet, body-aching, crazy midnight bar actions involving pingpong shows and serious stripping acts.

Don’t act so innocent! Haha. Naked girl, ping pong balls, birds, needles. Very flexible and multifunctional vagy-gy. Use your imagination. It was hilarious! It was an eye opening experience, I’m telling you. At one point the bird used landed on my lap! I swore right there and then that I would burn my pants as soon as I got home.

A full day trip to Phi Phi island, went snorkelling and swimming by the beach, tried wakeboarding and had lots and lots of tom yum soup and not enough massages. All in all it was a good trip nonetheless. It stirred up my travel bug and I’m already looking forward to my next vacation!

2) Wedding dinner at Grand Copthorne (06 Oct)
My dearest former colleague invited me to her wedding reception on a Wednesday night. Although I came straight from work with dishevelled face, it was one of the most memorable wedding I’ve been to! It was great to see all my former colleagues again and you know, up to this point I’ve been to lots of weddings of my dad’s friends, and my sisters’ friends, but not so many of my own friends’. Knowing the bride or groom personally just made the whole evening more beautiful and I even teared up during the procession as the groom was given some tasks to get to the stage. At one point he was asked, “What do you love most about Eileen?” I think I don’t have to recite his answers to tell you that this moment was when I almost cried! The food was some awesome 7-course dinners which made me feel super guilty (but happy). After attending a friend’s wedding I always feel like getting married myself!

3) A ‘passionate’ cruise at sea ! (07 Oct)
Being in this yacht line of business, I have lots of customers asking all sorts of questions you can possibly think of about the cruise and the itineraries they can expect. My boss thought it would be great for me to experience what I’m selling. So he brought us along for an evening cruise with ‘Passion’ to highlight the different islands and activities we can do during the trip. I had a lot of fun! The boat was a 33’ motor cruiser and it could go really, really fast! We sat outside by the deck while the boat was cruising in full speed, and I don’t even want to imagine how silly I must have looked with my hair flying in all directions! I can see why some people just fall in love with the life at sea. People who love boating rarely turn back. You either love it, and try to be near the sea whenever you can, or you don’t and the thought of spending 4 hours in the boat made you feel sea sick.

4) Eat, Pray, Love (08 Oct)
I couldn’t remember the last time I watched a movie, probably since Inception. It was tad too long and I was really excited to see Eat, Pray, Love with my two girlfriends. The movie was delightful and entertaining from start to finish. I haven’t read the book, so comparison couldn’t be made, but I really admired Julia Robert’s character. It takes a lot of guts to really just go away to somewhere foreign and detach yourself from ‘real’ life. Although, at the end of it, one might wonder, which life is real? When your life is made of pretenses, isn’t it almost a sin to yourself to stay?

After which we went to Chijmes for some drinks. Le Baroque really had one of the best live music I’ve ever seen! From “The Empire State of Mind” to “Love the Way You Lie”, I lost track of time!

5) Little Nicolas and more Le Baroque (16 Oct)
My colleague and I have been talking about having a French night out which included seeing a French movie, having a French dinner and talking in French and ending the night at a French bar! Well, so it didn’t exactly go that way, since the only French word I knew was ‘Oui’ and after like, three times saying it, it got old quickly. I realized too that you couldn’t really have a conversation with just that one vocabulary.
Me: “Oui?”
Sam: “Oui oui!”
Me: “OUI!!!”
Sam: “Hm...Oui!!!”
Me and her: “.........”
See what I meant?

Catching the French movie was easy enough. The Picturehouse was showing this really adorable cute movie Little Nicolas! It was a feel-good, funny flick which really got me happy afterwards. We thought of sneaking cans of beer into the cinema but we ended up having the beer before the movie. Classy indeed. Anyway, it was a great night that ended with dancing and beers. (I’m certain the French won’t approve of that!)

6) Halloween night! (30 Oct)
The title pretty much explained itself. I tried being Kat Von D although I think it was more like the ‘Before’ version of her, or perhaps the Kat Von D if she had never made it to television. Kat Von D without the money and personal trainer! How terrible! I had to put on tattoos in both my arms and put on long black wig, heavy make-up and stars at the side of my face, and although I looked ridiculous, it was fun getting ready! When else am I able to dress up like that, right? We went to Clarke Quay and it was packed like a can of sardines! Inside the club I could hardly move and it was skin-on-skin with the people around you all night long! I’m still undecided whether I liked it, but well. Half of Singapore population must have been in that club that night!

Apart from these, I’ve been doing another freelance writing job. I did the last article in basically one day! But my editor seemed to like the writing, so no complaints here. If you want to see, here are my previous published articles for Mind+ magazine.

What a month! November is gonna be even busier as I'm bracing myself for more work. But hey, ready or not, here I come!

Check them out.

By the way, just in case you're wondering what the two big icons are doing in the right side of my blog, well. Those are basically my life these days.

I'm promoting and doing sales for Neo Yacht at least 5 days a week. Add some impromptu, unplanned, out-of-the-way things I'm doing over the weekend, it's pretty much a handfull. Do check out the link and 'like' it on Facebook, because otherwise, we're not friends anymore.

Teehee. Kidding, of course.

And the new project is the online store I'm helping out with. It's very new, so not many people know about it. It'll be really awesome if you can help spread the words to your friends. Check it out yourself too; we've just launched our first collection and it's a really exciting process. Basically we know that some people are apprehensive about shopping clothes online because they aren't certain of the quality since they can't see and feel the materials upon buying. Yet, at the same time, these days online shopping has become really common because people are getting busier and sometimes it's really just a matter of convenience, buying things online and having them delivered to your doorstep without the hassles of shopping. That's the inspiration we have to launch this store. All the garments and pieces that you see here are in good qualities and we don't compromise quality over quantity.

Alright, I know I'm probably rambling. Anyhow, we do have a link to our Facebook page there and the website where you can see all our collections. I welcome any suggestions or comments and supports are deeply appreciated!

Sorry I haven't been writing much. It's long weekend now so I'm gonna try writing something tonight. In the mean time, feel free to browse around and I'll catch up with you soon!

Alone.

And now you're with someone else and I must go home, alone, to think about how long it takes to heal an alien heart.

Quote of the Day

The most significant gifts are the ones most easily overlooked. Small, everyday blessings: woods, health, music, laughter, memories, books, family, friends, second chances, warm fireplaces, and all the footprints scattered throughout our days.

Control.

I hope you all won't hate me for haven't been updating this site for... Gosh, I've lost track. I feel like I'm losing a little bit of my sanity everyday as I'm getting more and more attached to work.

My friend keeps telling me. "Work is not who you are. It's what you are paid for. Don't get too emotionally attached, and don't ever bring it home."

But what can I say when being emotional is part of my nature? How can I distinguish work and personal life so easily when most of the time I spend is at work?

And I let people get to me easily. I take the people I meet, the people I interact with, too seriously. I take their opinions to heart. I beam over their satisfaction, and gloom over their complains.

What is the secret of being professional? How can you separate and compartmentalize parts of your life as you wish? How can you not let things get to you?

"You learn as you go along," I was told. I guess. It's true for everything. I wish I can learn faster because I'm being way too emotional for my own good.

Sorry. To be fair, things have been pretty okay for me. I haven't entirely been miserable during my absence, okay. I'll blog more happy things next time, I promise!

..Maybe.

And maybe I'll sleep at the station because there's nothing to go home to but an empty fridge and some stale mayonnaise.

And maybe I'll make friends with the guys sleeping under cardboard boxes and newspapers and we'll discuss what it means to love and to live.

And maybe I'll wander the city, one lost particle in a dust storm of Mondays, late nights and reports due yesterday.

And maybe I'll get on a plane or a ship and get lost in places I've never been lost in before.

And maybe I'll keep my phone on me in case you call. And tell me there's something to come home to.

Beautiful stranger

Even though you're the most hopeless guy, I like the way you get me all giddy and dreamy whenever I think about you.

I feel like a little girl who's just had her first crush with someone she barely knew. I guess in a way I have to thank you for reminding me that at least I still have a soul. The ability to like someone in the most innocent way, the easiest way.

Not that I think we'll ever have a chance. But it's alright. I like liking you as it is. I think I'll freak out if I get something more out of it.

So. Stay that way. Stay mysterious and nonchalant. You're cute that way. ;)

No matter where you go, bring your love with you.

One is the loneliest number!

So my ex-colleague is getting married and she messaged us a few weeks back over at Facebook to let us know that we are all invited to the party. She included a bunch of us ex-colleagues in the message and said:

"Hey, so PJ + bla bla (her respective other), Rachel + bla bla (her respective other), Bee Hwee + bla bla (her respective other - in fact her husband!), Seraph + bla bla (her respective other), Christina, ...."

COMMA!

>No plus, not even a fake name inserted there to save my pride. That's it, just comma!! So saaaddd!!!

I was hit by the realization that I may be the only single one among us. Heck, I may be the only single one in town! In the whole Singapore! *insert all sorts of mockery here* Go ahead, you know you want it.

While everyone is going to be there with their plus one, the fact that I will be going alone will be magnified and people will start to talk. A girl at a certain age, alone, unacceptable! I anticipate whispers and gossips as people stared, trying to find out what's wrong with me, and within 5 seconds of talking to me, they would understand why.

I've been living with myself for the past 23 years! Now you know why I'm crazy sometimes!

Aside from the sad prospect of going solo to attend a beautiful wedding ceremony of a lovely friend of mine, I am absolutely excited to meet my ex-colleagues!

p.s: By the way, in case you couldn't tell, this is meant to be a joke! ;))

p.s.s: I'm writing this while listening to Lil' Wayne - I'm Going Solo. It's a cruel coincidence, isn't it? Ha!

Have been.

I know you're just a rag doll now, sewn together with memories that we might have had.
I know you're just the dream inside of a dream
And don't worry, I know I don't know you, anymore.

Dentist visit

I have never liked the word D! Dragon! Doctor! Dentist! Double D!

But now I'm gonna talk about my dysfunctional relationship with the d in dentist! As a kid, my brain has already been shutting down and rejecting the idea of going to the dentist. Gosh, I can still remember the fear I would have just by sitting at the waiting room, trying so hard to distract myself by reading magazines, but of course it didn't really help. In my mind I kept thinking I heard some screaming going on inside the room. Maybe my parents would have heard that too, and thus, rescued me from the premises.

And of course! The smell! Why is it that all dentist offices have the same smell?! Do they have the same air freshener? Is there a handbook on that? You can't be certified as a dentist unless you buy this freshener which smells like, pain and fear!

To conclude, it's safe to say that I would be really, really content and pleased with myself if I don't ever need to pay a visit to this fine establishment again. But the time has come and I have to fulfill my destiny! Since a few days ago I've been having toothache, which came on and off. Well, I could still eat and the pain wasn't so intense that prohibited me from doing anything else. For most parts it was still tolerable, so I thought initially it was just a case of sensitive tooth from something I might have eaten.

It wasn't until yesterday that the pain was getting more intense and at night I couldn't sleep because my tooth was throbbing, and there's nothing I could do about it! In the morning I thought I couldn't be able to get up and go to work, but somehow I managed. And yeah, the pain was still on-and-off and during the day, I didn't feel as much pain at work as I was during the night before.

But it's clear that something was wrong, and I wasn't about to wait until the pain got worse, so this morning I started calling dentist offices to make an appointment. Alright, I'm starting to bore you so I'm gonna speed up. Let's just say that it freaking hurts during the examination!

It was bad enough having a throbbing tooth, it was even worse when someone kept poking and scratching it! (And for your information, there! The smell was there again! I told you - same air-freshener.) By the end of it, I almost couldn't speak because the dentist gave me some anesthetic so I couldn't feel the left side of my mouth. Isn't it crazy, how something so small like a tooth (which otherwise you wouldn't pay too attention to, I mean, compared to let's say, your arm! Or your leg) could generate that much pain.

Once my toe nail broke and shite, I almost pissed myself out of pain. And it's just a freaking toe nail! What happens if my fingers got cut off!!! Maybe I'll pass out. *touch wood, touch wood!*

Anyway, yeah. They did an x-ray too, and my wisdom teeth were in the wrong direction. Although, they were all at the very back so the doctor said it's not that urgent to get them removed. Eventually I need to, though. He mentioned that these days all you gotta do is sleep, and they would remove all of them during your sleep, and you would wake up feeling nothing and no pain and the procedure is done! Sign me up, please! That's the best method I've ever heard. They need to apply the same method to..child birth process, I'd say. Ha!

Sorry, getting sidetracked here. So, after the long and painful examination and treatment, the dentist gave me a painkiller to last me 12 hours each, so tonight I expect a painless sleep. But that treatment only already cost me $170!

Please, don't remind me of all the nice things I could have bought with that $170! But I guess, that's the price I have to pay for not having throbbing toothache again!

Dang it. See, I told you I don't like the word D!

Uncalled

What is up with the water lately? Do I miss my memo that today people are allowed to be jerks? And I thought girls are supposed to be the sensitive ones.

Sometimes I wonder if I should stop being so jokingly all the time. I cover my awkwardness with jokes, trying to be funny ha-ha to make people laugh, even if that makes me look silly. My sisters always say that I'm the clown in the family, not necessarily because I'm always happy, but because when I am, I think I kinda overdo it. Some people may call me lame. The kinder ones would say I'm a little bit, well, kinda, funny. Sometimes.

Anyway, what happened earlier, I was just being my usual lame slash funny self, and I was in no way trying to hint anything or even being sarcastic. To have you suddenly explode on me like that wasn't cool at all.

I mean, how long have you known me? How long have we known each other? I know you get stressed out a lot, I know you're an overachiever and you hate failing and you hate disappointing your friends, but seriously. The more you think about it, the more you make it as a pressure, the more you're gonna piss off the people who care about you.

We've been through this more than once. I feel like, this is always the part where we get frustrated with each other. You're probably thinking the same thing about me. Oh, I'm too lame, I joke when it's not the time to, I'm too sensitive, I'm too negative, or whatever else you may think of.

But I've never listened to your one liner and just immediately jumped into conclusion and threw a tantrum. The whole thing today, it really threw me off. I don't know that I have been a part of the things that have been stressing you out. Like, I demanded something in the midst of your busy, crazy life. I've always understood all of that, and it's part of the reason why I just wanna cheer you up every time we talk. It's not by any means, meant to push your buttons.

I know, that I'm not supposed to have expectations now. I think we both know that. Realistically speaking, you shouldn't have expectations for me either. I'm sorry if you feel that way, especially if you feel that my expectation is stressing you out. Then don't. Really, don't let it. I never meant it to be.

I think it's best that we deal with ourselves for now. We have been extremely busy these days, haven't we? Yeah, it's alright. Let it just flow. We'll find ways to catch up somehow. For now, maybe you should focus on your life, and don't let me distract you. We'll both be okay. I'm alright. I'm just really tired.

Anyway. I'm done rambling. I was browsing through IMDb earlier and I came across this quotes from the movie In the Land of Women. I saw it on DVD a while back, and thought it was pretty decent. Maybe I'm biased 'cos Adam Brody was in it. So, there's this quote I like. It goes something like this.

There's a big fucking world out there. It's messy, and it's chaotic, and it's never, never ever the thing you'd expect. It is ok to be scared, but you cannot allow your fears to turn you into an asshole, not when it comes to the people that love you, the people that need you.

I know sometimes I may be guilty on that too. But I'm trying not to. Because it always sucks when people take out their uncalled anger on you. So, I'm trying not to ever do that again.

Quote of the Day

I may still not know what I want to be when I grow up, but I do want to live in a house filled with books and travel souvenirs. And the walls that aren’t covered in bookshelves will be covered with photos of my family and friends. When I leave the house I will be going to a job I love and I’ll return to a person I love. So, that’s the dream I’m working on.

Three

So things were so hectic at work today that I didn't have much time to pause and think. It was only at 4pm that my dad talked to me over the messenger and said that today exactly marks three years since the day you've been away.

He said, "I'm sure she is happy now seeing all of you."

That is the only comfort I should believe, right? I probably have said it before, and if I have, then bear with me or don't even bother to continue reading.

For years you have led me the way and I am who I am today because of you, and yet you aren't here. It doesn't seem right. I want you to be here and see that I finally got my act together. That I'm no longer hopeless, or dependent. In my tiny mind, I am making something out of myself, or at least I'm going there.

I want you to see that for the past three years, I have changed. People say that you never know what you have 'til it's gone. I've always been so aware of your influence in my life, the big part you have taken in making me who I am today, and yet only since you were gone that I needed to make a change. I could no longer be the same, irresponsible daughter, and sister.

It's not that I am strong. But I don't have a choice and this whole experience taught me to cherish and not take things for granted. At least when it comes to the people who love you. Your family. That is the most important thing.

What I'm saying is, it's not right that you are not here. You should know that I can make my own way now, that I don't have to be lost on my own anymore. And it's all because of you.

The only thing that I want is for you to be happy, and for you to be proud of me.

I like books. (more than people?)

I miss having a good read. ;)

Quote of the Day

Do it once. Then do it again. The more you write, the more you paint, the more you sing, the more you dance, the more you live, the better you get. It’s that simple.

Favorites.

Don't you just love browsing through celebrity pictures?! Oh well. Maybe that's just me. Ha!

I have to say though, seems like brunettes are the way to go!

Emma Watson.

Zooey Deschanel.

Katie Holmes.

Dianna Agron.

Reese Witherspoon.

Lauren Graham and Alexis Bledel.

Ellen Page.

Jennifer Garner.

Went Cycling

This week is so crazy and full of surprises like you wouldn't believe. In the midst of work and still trying to gain some sanity by going out and having fun, days passed by ever so quickly.

I've managed to finish the layout of my next assignment with Mind+ magazine, though. There's still a lot of work to be done 'til I get the article completed but well, at least it's something and I still have until the end of the month to work on it. See, that's the thing about writing as a 'job'. I don't know. I love writing, but I guess it's different when you start doing it as a work. Sure there's still some pleasure involved, but it's not truly yours anymore. Not your freedom, unless you're one of the lucky ones who get to pick and choose what to write. But so far it's been good for me, I suppose. I'm not complaining! Trying to be positive, remember?

I went through some emotional hurdle this week. It's really, really silly, though. I hate myself for being so emotional. I think I've said it many times before. I think too much. As a result, I worry and get affected too easily. When you have been that way for as long as you remember, how could you change?

Now I'm over it though! I've burnt all those teenage angst during muay thai yesterday! After the short session, I felt like seriously punching (certain) people in the head. Oh no. In all seriousness, it's always fun meeting new people and learning new things.

Today I went to Pulau Ubin with sisters and cousins and my sister-in-law. Ehm. ;) It started out great 'cos we were all excited to cycle and enjoy the nature for a change. Once we started cycling for half an hour, the weather started to shift and before we knew it, rain came pouring in like cats and dogs! Thank goodness we managed to reach the central of the so-called-town and had lunch when it was still drizzling. It stopped sometime during lunch, so we thought, great. Now the weather's perfect and cool to continue our cycle.

So we did. Not long after it started raining again though! Harder and harder as time went on and we were quite drenched and the slopes were steep and lots of times we had to carry the bike and walk. My butt seriously hurt 'cos the seat was too hard! I don't know how we did it, but we somehow managed to finish the trail and go back to return the bikes in one piece! I fell down from my bike once, ouch!

By the time we're done, I was like, "dang, this is a once-in-a-lifetime experience. You know what, never again." Haha! A little British humor there.

Let me share some (unglamorous) pictures from our day in the island. I was scrolling through them and realized I looked overwhelmingly fat! Ugh. Plus we were all sweating and wet and tired and dirty. These are the pictures that won't make it to Facebook. ;p Nah. I'm kidding. Or am I?

Speaking of which, I'm gonna do that later because the pictures need to be resized first. I'll get around to posting them here eventually though.

So. Until next time! ;)

Quickie

So. What have I been up to, you ask?

Well. Work. And work. And work. And work some more. And sleep. And work.

Time passed by like a breeze. Oh, but in between all those working. We've been..eh, sorta playing too.

And playing..

And well, a bit more playing.

And while at it..

And..

Hmm.

I think it's been a healthy balance. Don't you think?

The Gate by Shawna Howson

Before our hair had wisped to gray
You used to turn to me and say
“You are the only one I’ll hold
Till fingers shake, till we grow old.
And even when my hands won’t bend
I’ll stand by you till joints give in
And after that I’ll sing you songs
I’ll hum until my voice is gone.
And when my voice won’t carry tunes
I’ll dream you Heaven’s holy rooms
And if I leave the earth behind
I beg you, keep your eyes in kind.
For my new hands, they wait for yours
My legs are strong, my voice a chorus
And I will sit inside that room
I’ll wait, my love, I’ll wait for you.”
And so I keep my eyes in kind
I count the days till Heaven’s skies
Wherein you dine with God in wait
I’m coming, darling, mind the gate.

Something out there

I am tired. I get emotional when I'm tired, and right now I'm just missing my friends. What I do usually when I'm being melancholic, is seeing pictures of skyline because, I don't know, it gets me all wishful and peaceful.

I can just look up and see the skyline poster that you gave me, and it would make me smile.

So. Maybe I need a little extra happiness tonight.



I think the thing with seeing the skyscraper and the sky and the buildings of another place than here kinda reminds me that there is a big world out there. There's a view we have yet to see. People we have not met, places we have yet ventured.

Is that weird?

Barely Here

I guess this is as good time as any to give you a short update on what I've been doing recently. It can be summarized in one word: work.

Meh. Where has my youth passed? Well, seriously. I know I've had my crazy partying days, but that doesn't mean my time is up and I am no longer allowed a break, does it? Ah I don't know. Maybe I'm just being a whiner like I always am. Work has its ups. Normally this would happen during the start of every month. (read: payday) Ha!

I hardly have time to meet my friends. Thank goodness I have great colleagues whom I can call friends too. But I miss my regular friends. I miss Wazzy whom I haven't seen in forever. I miss Fairuz and Hong and Arnold and Steffy. I miss Manly and Elsa, and the list could go on and on. I really think I need to catch up with them to keep myself sane. If you're reading this, YES! I need to catch up with YOU too! I'm sorry for being a lame-ass.

This month is going to be hectic. We're selling mooncake for the first time, so the management has high expectation. So, come support us if you're interested in trying out our mooncake. (Read: Buy one from me, or else we're no longer friends!) Haha.

(By the end of this post, I will no longer have friends.)

I don't know what else I can write here except for work-stuffs. And as you know, I'm not too comfortable talking about work. So let's change the subject, shall we?

(Awkward silence)

Alright. Seems that I don't have an interesting thing to say. Gosh. I am so freaking out about work. Okay, shut up, woman! I guess I should try being 'creative' another day. This blog is seriously getting super lame and boring. My creative juice has stopped flowing.

Guys, have faith in me, please. ;))

To get away

My travel bug is starting to itch. Real bad!

..Must Come to an End.

You're off the hook. I've never really put much faith in all that "if you love someone, set them free" crap, as evidenced by everything I've done in my life up to this very moment, but I am determined to be happy. Happy in this life. And I love you. I mean, I always-- I have always, always loved you. But our timing has just never been right. And the way I figure it, time is no man's friend. So I have to get right with that and be happy, now. Because this is it. I mean, this is all that we get.

Actually, um, hold on. I'm not done yet. Because I also want for you to be happy. It's really important for me that you be happy. So I want you to be with someone. I want you to be with someone who can be a part of the life that you want for yourself. I want you to be with someone who makes you feel like I feel when I'm with you. So, I guess the point to this long run-on sentence that's been the last 10 years of our lives is just that the simple act of being in love with you is enough for me. So you're off the hook.

You know, for the record, I-- I don't want to be let off the hook. Because everything in my life that I've done has led me here... right now, and the last thing I want, need, or deserve is to be let off somebody's hook.

I love you. You know that. And it's very real. It's so real that it's kept me moving, mostly running from it, never ready for it. I can't be let off the hook because I might just get the notion that it's ok to keep running.

Quote of the Day

I remember being thirteen years old, sitting in my room all night, listening to the same song over and over. I thought that if I could write something beautiful, something honest, I could make someone love me.

From the heart.

Last night I had a dream about my mom. I haven't dreamed about her for a while and it took me by surprise that she appeared in it yesterday.

It felt so real and the whole dream must have lasted for long because, I don't know. It just wasn't something you forgot straight away when you woke up. Now it's all kinda blurry to me but I could have sworn I could narrate it to you vividly this morning.

She looked happy and healthy, as if she has never been anywhere. For some reason we knew she has been away, so I felt really, really happy that she was suddenly back in my life. I think I couldn't stop hugging her. But she didn't remember about what happened. At one point, I even asked her, "Mom, what date is it today?" and she replied, saying it was sometime in May 2008.

"Mom! It's 2010 now already!" I think I remember myself laughing to her response. She looked a little confused, but it didn't really matter. I thought she could stay now, and I was really happy. It was like, the past two or so years have never happened. It was just a bad dream, but now everything is okay.

The moment I woke up, I stayed there lying in bed and I was just overwhelmed by sadness, confusion, longing, all these feelings mixed together. I dragged myself out of bed for work but my mind wasn't in the right place all morning. I don't know what the dream was trying to tell me, but it was simply too cruel.

The dream just reminds me of what I've lost, of something I would never get back.

I really, really miss you, Mom. Will you please be in my dream again tonight?

I was once asked, "If she suddenly appeared before your eyes, wouldn't you be scared?" I don't know. Somehow I don't think I would. Because it's her, and I know she won't hurt me or scare me away.

My friend told me that this is the 7th lunar month period and in Chinese belief, it's said that this would be the time where our relatives who have passed away would visit us because the gate supposedly is open now between our world and their world. I'm not religious, and I'm even more out of touch with my Chinese root, that I previously didn't even know what 7th lunar month was, or what the tradition was during Chinese New Year.

Who knows? I just know I miss you. We all do.

Something that rhymes with schmranting.

What is up with my internet, ey! Speaking of internet, it's funny that last Friday the internet in our office died for a few hours, and it left all crippled! I mean, we couldn't do much of anything without internet. The interesting thing is that last week I was out with a friend of mine wearing a t-shirt with the words "technology ruins romance."

Which is essentially true, you see. These days when you meet someone you like, you stalk 'em on facebook. Which is unromantic, right? Long gone were the days when guys actually worked hard to find out things about girls. Now, everything is out in the open. Chey. Anyway, sorry for getting sidetracked here. Yeah, so while the internet was dead, I randomly thought about how technology doesn't only ruin romance, it also kills our efficiency in working! Well, sort of. I just realized that a few hours of work without internet almost equals to no work at all! It's a little extreme, huh?

So. Anyway. Just wanna give an update! I've been a lazy bum these days when it comes to writing on this blog. Work has been crazy! I'm a little freaked out by the amount of work I need to do. I'm not good in multitasking. You know what I really need? A game plan. Yeah, exactly. I need to work out a proper time line and to-do list and work based on that. I'm an organized freak that way.

However, I'm gonna try to stay positive and not let it get to me too much. Too much, okay! And I'm looking forward to next week! Have lots of things planned out to keep me sane! It's gonna be a fun week. Just wish I'll survive work!

My dad has gone back home, and it's crazy because he's now intending to sell our apartment! He's kicking us out! Which means, we gotta look for a new place. Well, yeah it won't be in such a near future, but my sisters have gone apartment-hunting this afternoon at a condo in the east side. I'm a westener by heart though, so hopefully we can still get a place somewhere in the west, if not central! Hmm. Will see about that.

Well. This has been a total waste of post. Haha! My brain is not operating on Sundays! Sunday night, especially.

Quote of the Day

Loving someone means taking the risk that they might fuck up your nicely ordered little life.

Ghostly experience?

Oh my god! So, I'm gonna share something a little creepy here. I was probably half hallucinating, half dreaming last night when it happened. I was in a lethargic state as I was so tired from the long weekend.

So I was in bed, and I kept tossing and turning for some reason. Although my body was tired, my brain couldn't shut down. I think some moment might have passed before I realized something. So my bed side was near the window, and at that point I was lying sideways facing the window. Do you know how you can still see something even though your eyes are closed?

I don't know, suddenly I just felt and saw a hectic movement of hand gestures as if someone was waving frantically at me. It's as if I saw it right in front of me without actually seeing it. It came from the window and it became unbearable not to notice because like I said, you can just feel it.

But as it happened, I realized that it couldn't be possible because I was in bed and there's no way someone was waving at me from outside the window! Before anything could register into my mind, impulsively I opened my eyes even though if I were smart enough, I should have just kept my eyes shut because who knows what I might find staring back at me?! OMG!

For that split second that I opened my eyes, I could have sworn I saw a hand throughout the window! Like it wanted to shake me and my whole body just jerked in fear! During that few seconds I was really, really afraid and I was convinced I just had my first encounter with ghost!

I turned my body to the other side so I wouldn't be facing the window anymore and lied there for a few seconds in cold sweat, shutting my eyes hard and reassuring myself it was just my imagination, dream, or both. Weirdly enough, after those few seconds of pure fear and shock, I was calm afterwards. I mean, you would think that I would have run away so fast and went to my dad's room like a little baby! But I just simply moved to the other way and continued laying there!

After another moment, nothing happened and I just kept my eyes shut! All the while I kept thinking, what the fuck just happened?! It felt surprisingly real! Yet everything was just so surreal!

Somehow though I managed to fall back to sleep and now it just felt like it was a strange dream. But it wasn't. I could still remember the deep shit fear I was feeling as I felt those hands waving in front of my face and that hand reaching out from the window!

What the f*** lah?!! That was really, really, really, really creepy, alright?!!

Quote of the Day

You are your hair and your eyes and your thoughts. You are what you look at and what you feel and what you do about it. The light from the sun is still a part of the sun. My thoughts of you are as real as any part of you.

Serenity

You make my feet light
When my heart weighs as stone
Bring sheerest delight
When I'm dark and alone.

And though I am not
What I long so to be
You hold my face high
And you bring me to see.

That beauty is kindness
And peace is in reach
For my constant unrest
You send calming heartbeats.

So take now my sorrow
This lackluster gaze
And make me more like You.

by Shawna.

;P

So me.

❒ taken ❒ single ✔ pining after fictional characters

Party and Work.

Oh, man. I got the shock of my life when I checked my bank account today. I spent almost 500 bucks just over the weekend, buying whatever shits I can't even recall now!

No, I'm kidding. I actually remember each of them vividly. The worst thing is that I don't even regret buying them although now my pocket has to suffer from being too light of money! Over lunch today we talked about places and travels and man, my travel bug is getting active again! But I can't really take leave yet until my probation is over. Good thing is that I'm enjoying my job now, so hopefully time will just pass by like shuuush! and I'll get to go on a holiday again before I know it! (little chance, but oh well. A girl can dream.)

Anyway! I just wanna share a bit about the party that my boss threw over the weekend which was just absolutely superb! Wouldn't go into much details aside from that his house was so sick! It's just amazing and you know you've made it into the big league when the view from your terrace is the Singapore water and your mode of transportation around is a private yacht! Or wait for it, when you have a freaking lift in your house!

He's kind enough to let us take a spin around on it. I am definitely motivated now to work even harder so I can enjoy a good life such as this. Yes, a dollar at at time. Ha!

I love this picture! I'm loving my colleagues now! Working doesn't feel much like a tough job when these people are around.

Sam and I at dusk time.

It was just a great evening! I'm still in high spirit today even though it's Monday! Went on a good meeting at the marina and managed to go back home on time! Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, come quickly! I can't wait for the weekend!

Passion.

My obsession for a song goes just like any other obsession in life. Tonight, it's Chicago's "Look Away". I know it's an old song and I must be in super melancholic mood to be listening to it on a Saturday night, but in reality, a good song is a good song, regardless of the situation you're in.

The first time I heard it, it literally just gripped me as I listened to the lyrics. There are many songs about heartbreaks and all, but there's just something really deep about this one. The way it portrays something some people may call ordinary with such emotions. I really like these particular lines:

When you called me up this morning,
Told me 'bout the new love you found,
I said, "I'm happy for you,
I'm really happy for you."

Topped with the melodies, it makes an amazing combination. I found myself listening to it over and over again to an unhealthy level and here I am, still blogging about it.

But, that's how I am when it comes to music. Or about any other things I'm passionate about. Like good movies, or good books. I mean, aren't we supposed to be a little extreme when it comes to the things we really love? Otherwise, what differentiates them from the other million and one things in life?

My sister and I were watching Inside the Actor's Studio this evening as the result of flipping the channels, and Rosie O'Donnell was in the show. At one point, she told the audience how much she loved theatres and plays and how she visualized those things in her own life that in one particular situation, she recited the whole line of Jean Valjean from "Les Miserables" because of how much it reminded her of him in the same circumstance.

"People looked at me as if I'm on crack," she said.

The thing about being passionate about something is that other people may not get it. Because, I don't know, each person is different. To this day, I still can't find any other persons beside my sisters who could recite the lines, sing the songs, and relive the scenes from Disney movies! Every time I make references of The Lion King, or Pocahontas, people don't get it.

I came to a conclusion. It takes a lot for people to be really passionate about something. And it's a wonderful thing, I feel. I guess in a way it makes us unique, and different. And it's who we are.

And I guess it would be a lot more special when we eventually meet someone else who shares the same passion.

As I listened to the song for the hundredth of times tonight, I thought about it. Hey, it's okay to be obsessed about things. That presents my question for today.

What are YOU most passionate about?

Beautiful

I find it hard to believe you don't know the beauty you are; but if you don't, let me be your eyes.

I have a problem.

I think I'm super impulsive! Like, ridiculously impulsive! One minute I was looking for a blazer, the next minute I was trying out glasses and felt like buying one!

So my friend and I met up for dinner tonight and we just wandered around the shopping mall afterwards. I've been meaning to buy a nice blazer for some time but haven't found one that I liked. Well, actually I haven't been properly set aside a time to look for it, as I'm sure I can find lots of nice ones in Zara. But for the past week I haven't been to Orchard. The thought of going there during the weekends is just making me wanna curl up in bed and just rest my lazy bum all day.

But I do really need a nice jacket for work. So as we were walking around, I saw a shop selling glasses and I thought to myself, "hmm, nice!" No harm in going inside and looking around, right?

Wrong! Within seconds, I was happily trying on different frames and asking questions to the sales person. I had a pair that I really liked, and the price was over $400 and I didn't even budge! He might as well say it was just 20 bucks!

My friend was eye-ing me the whole time and kept saying, "It's $400, babe!" while I just 'uh-huh' him and continued trying it on. The sales person started going through the differences between different lenses and I was still in my own world, thinking of how much I liked it. "So?" he asked.

I looked at him, and then at my friend. He replied, "I think you're going to consider it first, right? Yes. She's considering it first."

I might as well have my own publicist or something! He didn't want me to buy it without being too obvious. Bless him. I left the store and he spent the next half an hour complaining about how overpriced the item was, and how I could even think about getting it when I could buy a similar one with a much cheaper price somewhere else!

Seriously, I think I need a talking conscience. If he weren't there, I would have been over 400 bucks poorer now and am probably regretting it. (or not?) Shopping just makes me happy, lah! It's a proven fact. Goes the same for every other women! (excuse, excuse)

Still. Bless my friend for stopping me. What started out as a hunt for blazer, turned out to be the start of an obsession for a new black-rimmed glasses. Welcome to my world.

From Scrubs.

Bottom line is that couples that are truly right for each other wade through the same crap as everybody else. But the big difference is they don’t let it take them down.