Welcome!: Plan

Saturday 22 March 2008

Plan

I have too many ambitions. In my head I have formulated plans to make money, to be a litte more creative, to do things others don't, to think outside the box, and to do something more. I don't plan to succeed much, but I want to do something I can be very proud of. I want to create from scratch. I want to do all kinds of stuffs but I end up not doing anything much, because the starting part is always the hardest, and it doesn't help that I have such short attention span. I tend to get bored easily which results in being very excited about one thing today and just couldn't care less in the next. It's not a very good business-trait, is it?

But I don't want to miss out, and I have to start eventually and put as much dedication as when I first started planning it, and it's one thing I have to promise myself. I realized that I have been putting this off for various excuses; some more justifiable than others. Too busy, for instance, well, everyone's busy these days, we all have jobs and mouths to feed. But it's just the amount of time you want to side aside for this creativity is what matters. It doesn't need to be finished in one day or two, or even a month. Some take months and years to complete, but it always gets easier as we go along, doesn't it? But in my defense, which is true, life hasn't been too kind of me, to us, for the past year so it's not exactly at the top of my priority list, venturing and trying out new things. But again, maybe it's just an excuse too, maybe even if life wasn't so sucky I wouldn't still have had just quite the push to get started and actually do it. Who knows, right?

I learn that it's not easy to work, you get to enjoy it to a certain extent, of course, but there's a lot more into it than just doing what you really like. I work in PR, and I see my colleagues go to various events and awards and get invited to clients' party and all things that seem glamorous and fun, and sure, they are all those things, and more. People don't get to see how these people run around in the office struggling to meet deadlines and cry in frustration when the printer doesn't work or when things go wrong.

What I'm saying is, although it's not easy, we still have to do it. And despite all the hard work, there is always an element of contentment, satisfaction, enjoyment. And maybe that's enough when it comes to it. Maybe I should practise this attitude towards my plan too. Because when we know we have an option to do, or not to do it, given the choice we wouldn't do it for numbers of excuses, when in reality we're just simply lazy.

We all say that we want to save time, but what good does it do: saving time, if nobody uses it? At the end of the day, I just want to do this, for my personal achievement. I need to know that I can do it if only I want to and if I really put my mind into it. And hopefully this time, there will be no excuse. Because excuse doesn't get us anywhere, if anything it will just chain us to the present. It makes us lazy and unmotivated. For once, I want to do something that matters, for myself above anyone else.

As scary and unlikely as it might sound, I've grown up. God knows I still make mistakes and sometimes (okay, mostly) I don't act as my age, I also know I'm still oblivious to most things, but I think I finally learnt. My guidance isn't here anymore but maybe because of that, I'm forced to hang on to myself.

So. No more excuses. Just do it. I've been putting this off for too long, take as much time as I need and just dive in. Just write.

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Quotes

There's a hundred million different ways of writing, and it takes you a long time to sort through that stuff. And I think it takes anyone a long time to find a voice.

You must learn to take the good with the bad, the happy with the sad, love what you’ve got and remember what you had. Learn to forgive, but never forget, learn from your mistakes but never regret. People change and things go wrong, but you just have to remember that life goes on.

The day before I’m supposed to be meeting Caroline for a drink, I develop all the textbook symptoms of a crush: nervous stomach, long periods spent daydreaming, an inability to remember what she looks like. I can bring back the dress and the boots, and I can see her bangs, but her face is a blank.

I don't know, I think that if I could just accept the fact that my life is supposed to be difficult. You know, that's what to be expected, then I might not get so pissed-off about it and I'll just be glad when something nice happens.

I can see now I never really committed to Laura. I always had one foot out the door, and that prevented me from doing a lot of things, like thinking about my future and... I guess it made more sense to commit to nothing, keep my options open. And that's suicide. By tiny, tiny increments.

There's a big fucking world out there. It's messy, and it's chaotic, and it's never, never ever the thing you'd expect. It is ok to be scared, but you cannot allow your fears to turn you into an asshole, not when it comes to the people that love you, the people that need you.

Maybe what I'm saying is, is the world might be evolving the way a person evolves. Right? Like, I mean, me for example. Am I getting worse? Am I improving? I don't know. When I was younger, I was healthier, but I was, uh, whacked with insecurity, you know? Now I'm older and my problems are deeper, but I'm more equipped to handle them.

I am nothing special; just a common man with common thoughts, and I've led a common life. There are no monuments dedicated to me and my name will soon be forgotten. But in one respect I have succeeded as gloriously as anyone who's ever lived: I've loved another with all my heart and soul; and to me, this has always been enough.

Later that day I got to thinking about relationships. There are those that open you up to something new and exotic, those that are old and familiar, those that bring up lots of questions, those that bring you somewhere unexpected, those that bring you far from where you started, and those that bring you back. But the most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you can find someone to love the you you love, well, that's just fabulous.

A woman needs to be held, even, and science has shown this, if its with someone she doesn't care about. Protective hormones are released, and the amount of hormones released depends on the degree to which she is held. The first and best is the complete surround. He wraps you in both arms, whispers how beautiful you are. Second best is the 'arm around.' He is next to you but with one arm around you. Third is he's just next to you on his elbow, but he rests his hand on your stomach and looks at you. Fourth is you snuggling up to him with your head on his chest, while he looks away into space. But when the first best happens, you feel completely, wonderfully like a woman.

So, so what, so fuck off, go home, leave you alone? I'll tell you something Paul, there isn't anything that I've wanted for eighteen years, cause I was a kid eighteen years ago. And if I did still want the same things I'd think I'd gone wrong somewhere, because actually I don't want to marry David Cassidy, I don't want bigger tits, I don't want to do better on my marks. I've stopped worrying about that kind of thing and maybe you should try.

Well maybe there's a big bit of you that's gone missing somewhere, maybe everyone should want something they've always wanted.

Why is it that adults aren't supposed to go mad about anything? You gotta keep a lid on it. And if you don't then people are apparently entitled to say what they like. "You haven't grown up. You're a moron. Your conversation is trivial and boorish. You can't express your emotional needs. You can't relate to your children." And you die, lonely and miserable. But you know, what the hell, every cloud has a silver lining.

I just woke up one morning and didn't feel the same way. Where did it go? It was like there had been a lot of food on a plate in front of us, and we ate it all really quickly, and then there was nothing left. Maybe that's how couples stay together: they're not greedy. They know that what they have in front of them has to last a long time, so they kind of pick at it. I hope it's not like that, though. I hope that when people are happy together, it feels as though someone keeps piling seconds and thirds on their plates.

That is what I have learned: Sex is destructive. Love is nothing to be fooled with. I learned that I was dangerous, not to be trusted. I wondered if my parents were right, with all of their stiff lovelessness. Maybe they knew better. My parents don't dole out love for the deserving or the undeserving. I was learning that love could cost me.

You could say all you liked about reason and logic and common sense and imagination, but when the chips were down, the one skill you needed was the ability to think about absolutely nothing whatsoever.

There is a comfort in never making an effort, but it's a lonely comfort. What keeps you going is the knowledge that you're only playing with only four cards showing. But when you see other people succeeding with their mediocre hands, you have to make a decision. If you turn over that final card you're certain of victory, but it also means you have nothing in reserve.

I’d gone through life believing in the strength and competence of others; never in my own. Now, dazzled, I discovered that my capacities were real. It was like finding a fortune in the lining of an old coat.

Maybe we all live life at too high a pitch, those of us who absorb emotional things all day, and as mere consequence we can never feel merely content: we have to be unhappy, or ecstatically, head-over-heels happy, and those states are difficult to achieve within a stable, solid relationship.