Welcome!: Home for Wedding

Thursday 20 March 2008

Home for Wedding

I feel exceptionally tired these days because of daily ritual of school and work, but emotionally I'm so deliriously happy. Of course, there's a little fear too, fear that arises when you're with someone, fear which you can't really control. Despite the rational part of the brain telling you that the feeling is based on nothing and it is ridiculous, but subsconsciously it's always there, looming and consuming when you start letting insecurity kicks in.

But I don't want to focus on the fear, because it's just nearly perfect. It's not that I wasn't happy before but there's just a new rush of excitement and laugh every single day. I know I have always had my friends to have fun and bear with my randomness but now I have one person who's just...obligated to take over the job and to me, that's extremely comforting. Ha! But before my mushiness starts to make you wanna gag, I thought I would spare you the agony and talk about something else.

I haven't had time to write recently and I really, really miss it. I miss just being in front of the laptop without thinking about homeworks and jobs. But to make it fair, I enjoy my work, don't get me wrong. It's just that once I get home, have dinner and talk on the phone, suddenly it's midnight again. And I just have to sleep if I don't want to look like a zombie the following day. Is it just me or is my life turning boring or am I just getting old? Not the last two, I hope? Okay, this is depressing.

But, I haven't had the chance to talk about my recent trip home last weekend. It was my cousin's wedding and so my sister and I ditched (sorry, I mean, took a leave) from work and flew home. Even though it was simply too short, we had a blast.

I miss my little sis, Meli! She's talking on and on about how she almost reaches my height! And she's right, dammit. From the way I see it, I'm not growing any taller, so I will always definitely shorter than my older sister, but looks like Meli is growing like tree and by this time (as you can see), she's only inches shorter than me and something tells me by the time I see her again, she'll be able to look down on me, quite literally. Not like I mind if people think I'm the youngest but for the reason that I do look young, please, not because I'm the shortest among us three with the oldest face!

The wedding was a traditional chinese wedding, and to be honest, I couldn't see what was going on because Meli, me, and two of our big brothers had to sit outside the reception room to greet all the incoming guests. By the time I came in the room, every food in sight was nearly finished. I have been eyeing a certain crab asparagus soup from the beginning and I felt totally crestfallen seeing the little stand had closed! Bugger! I want my soup! I want my crab! I want my soup!!!! Supposed I could have thrown a little tantrum there, but my wisdom has well surpassed my age, so I restrained it. I was so proud of myself.

Anyway, you can see a lot more pictures at my multiply site.

That trip back home is definitely the hightlight of this month, and it's not just about the wedding itself. I got to see some distant relatives, some I didn't like very much, but it was nice to see that 'that certain relative' still looked awful as I remembered her to be. So hey, at least it made me feel a bit better. (I know I sounded terrible but don't ask.) But apart from her (and the weird woman in the bathroom), there were great people there! Can you believe I'm already an aunt? It was my first time seeing the little notorious boy, and his dad introduced us by saying, "Jason, meet aunt Christina".

I was in constant horror!
(If this were a movie, this would be the perfect time to play those sudden-loud grave music as the background)

I expressed this near hysteria by saying, "Aunt? Aunt? Can you please, please, please, (almost nearly begging) just call me big sister or something?" I couldn't bear thinking of myself, this hopeless 21-year-old girl can be an aunt to anyone!

Raymond, his dad, being a sweet guy like he is, just laughed and agreed to do exactly that. But the damage has been done. Now I feel like an aunt.

The little firecracker formerly known as Jason. The other one is the happy groom right before make up. He looked pretty normal, didn't he?:) Jason's half Indonesian and Netherland, something tells me he'll be a heartbreaker when he's older!

Have I mentioned that I'm so glad it's holiday?! Promise I'll write more soon (definitely during this weekened!)

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Quotes

There's a hundred million different ways of writing, and it takes you a long time to sort through that stuff. And I think it takes anyone a long time to find a voice.

You must learn to take the good with the bad, the happy with the sad, love what you’ve got and remember what you had. Learn to forgive, but never forget, learn from your mistakes but never regret. People change and things go wrong, but you just have to remember that life goes on.

The day before I’m supposed to be meeting Caroline for a drink, I develop all the textbook symptoms of a crush: nervous stomach, long periods spent daydreaming, an inability to remember what she looks like. I can bring back the dress and the boots, and I can see her bangs, but her face is a blank.

I don't know, I think that if I could just accept the fact that my life is supposed to be difficult. You know, that's what to be expected, then I might not get so pissed-off about it and I'll just be glad when something nice happens.

I can see now I never really committed to Laura. I always had one foot out the door, and that prevented me from doing a lot of things, like thinking about my future and... I guess it made more sense to commit to nothing, keep my options open. And that's suicide. By tiny, tiny increments.

There's a big fucking world out there. It's messy, and it's chaotic, and it's never, never ever the thing you'd expect. It is ok to be scared, but you cannot allow your fears to turn you into an asshole, not when it comes to the people that love you, the people that need you.

Maybe what I'm saying is, is the world might be evolving the way a person evolves. Right? Like, I mean, me for example. Am I getting worse? Am I improving? I don't know. When I was younger, I was healthier, but I was, uh, whacked with insecurity, you know? Now I'm older and my problems are deeper, but I'm more equipped to handle them.

I am nothing special; just a common man with common thoughts, and I've led a common life. There are no monuments dedicated to me and my name will soon be forgotten. But in one respect I have succeeded as gloriously as anyone who's ever lived: I've loved another with all my heart and soul; and to me, this has always been enough.

Later that day I got to thinking about relationships. There are those that open you up to something new and exotic, those that are old and familiar, those that bring up lots of questions, those that bring you somewhere unexpected, those that bring you far from where you started, and those that bring you back. But the most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you can find someone to love the you you love, well, that's just fabulous.

A woman needs to be held, even, and science has shown this, if its with someone she doesn't care about. Protective hormones are released, and the amount of hormones released depends on the degree to which she is held. The first and best is the complete surround. He wraps you in both arms, whispers how beautiful you are. Second best is the 'arm around.' He is next to you but with one arm around you. Third is he's just next to you on his elbow, but he rests his hand on your stomach and looks at you. Fourth is you snuggling up to him with your head on his chest, while he looks away into space. But when the first best happens, you feel completely, wonderfully like a woman.

So, so what, so fuck off, go home, leave you alone? I'll tell you something Paul, there isn't anything that I've wanted for eighteen years, cause I was a kid eighteen years ago. And if I did still want the same things I'd think I'd gone wrong somewhere, because actually I don't want to marry David Cassidy, I don't want bigger tits, I don't want to do better on my marks. I've stopped worrying about that kind of thing and maybe you should try.

Well maybe there's a big bit of you that's gone missing somewhere, maybe everyone should want something they've always wanted.

Why is it that adults aren't supposed to go mad about anything? You gotta keep a lid on it. And if you don't then people are apparently entitled to say what they like. "You haven't grown up. You're a moron. Your conversation is trivial and boorish. You can't express your emotional needs. You can't relate to your children." And you die, lonely and miserable. But you know, what the hell, every cloud has a silver lining.

I just woke up one morning and didn't feel the same way. Where did it go? It was like there had been a lot of food on a plate in front of us, and we ate it all really quickly, and then there was nothing left. Maybe that's how couples stay together: they're not greedy. They know that what they have in front of them has to last a long time, so they kind of pick at it. I hope it's not like that, though. I hope that when people are happy together, it feels as though someone keeps piling seconds and thirds on their plates.

That is what I have learned: Sex is destructive. Love is nothing to be fooled with. I learned that I was dangerous, not to be trusted. I wondered if my parents were right, with all of their stiff lovelessness. Maybe they knew better. My parents don't dole out love for the deserving or the undeserving. I was learning that love could cost me.

You could say all you liked about reason and logic and common sense and imagination, but when the chips were down, the one skill you needed was the ability to think about absolutely nothing whatsoever.

There is a comfort in never making an effort, but it's a lonely comfort. What keeps you going is the knowledge that you're only playing with only four cards showing. But when you see other people succeeding with their mediocre hands, you have to make a decision. If you turn over that final card you're certain of victory, but it also means you have nothing in reserve.

I’d gone through life believing in the strength and competence of others; never in my own. Now, dazzled, I discovered that my capacities were real. It was like finding a fortune in the lining of an old coat.

Maybe we all live life at too high a pitch, those of us who absorb emotional things all day, and as mere consequence we can never feel merely content: we have to be unhappy, or ecstatically, head-over-heels happy, and those states are difficult to achieve within a stable, solid relationship.