Roadblock

This blog has been pretty much abandoned these days, and I wonder whether life has been much too demanding for me not to be able to sit here and scribble all my daily thoughts anymore like I used to. It's unnerving, the realization was disturbing, it's like a part of me was missing, and I didn't even notice it's gone. For days I don't even have the slightest urge to write and to share things, or even just to ramble incoherently. I'm not sure I like the change.

For years I've always known what I wanna do. My passion has been plastered onto my forehead so everyone could see, and that part has always been so obvious. I manuevered myself through the years knowing I had an objective in mind, and eventhough I haven't known how to get there, the part of what I wanna do was very much clear.

I'm the kind of person who can't do the same thing for a long period of time. Through writing I thought I never have to face that obstacle because there are always new experiences and new ideas to write about, new lessons to learn and new moral to get across. You can't replicate the exact same thing twice in writing, and there are endless possibilities in which you can be creative just upon the same topic. And that's what I love about writing. The ability for me to fully convey whatever it is I wanna say, the option is entirely open.

One time in class, we learnt about how America seemed to lose its frontier during its early age, and how they were completely lost, having had one thing that always distinguished them for the rest, and suddenly finding it gone, and it was the time when it seemed like they have lost their identity. If your life has always been dictated around one thing, can you still move on when that one thing is suddenly snatched away from you?

I feel happiness, the kind of happiness which makes me wanna giggle all day, but I find myself slowly getting away from my usual habit, like spending time writing. Instead, I find myself imagining different things. I'm picturing myself in a different scenario. New adventures and new possibilities, together along with my newfound happiness. And for the first time, these things feel real, like I can actually do things I never imagined I could do. This realization is both terrifying and exciting, scary and thrilling.

I don't know what the future holds of me, and maybe it's an adventure in itself, but I just don't wanna lose my old self in the process. Even when I don't end up being whatever it is I have always pictured myself to be, I still wanna be happy, and I still wanna write, because it is one thing that I have always known myself as, a part of my identity.

So I just wanna remind myself to set aside a little time, even if it's only for a few minutes, not to stop. Because it might be harder to jump back into the train once you're off it. It's easy to be enchanted by the new things, and it's okay to enjoy the new, even to ogle and swoon over it for a while, as long as you don't let go of the old.

Things have been busy for me but still, it shouldn't be an excuse.

Okay, that was some inner thoughts I thought I'd share. In a lighter note, my politics class has ended and now I'm preparing for the exam and assignment, which are really such shit. They are just so much to do and I don't know how I'm gonna handle it. But in the midst of it all, I'm glad I still have the people who actually matter.



A little collage I made out of pictures Babe and I took yesterday at Holland Village. It was truly a great evening, exactly what I needed, the right dose of chat session with my best friend.


The horror! I looked so awful in this, but please bear in mind that we have been out since morning through the jungles in torching heat!

Nothing much else is happening. I've spent the entire afternoon reading my text book titled 'The Conscience of a Liberal' which I guess could be interesting at some parts, but mostly it was just a handfull. I must finish the book in order to do my assignment and it's a pain. I'm not interested in politics to begin with, before this I didn't even have any idea about the difference between Republicans and Democrats (yes, I could die being less ignorant than this), but now I sort of know a thing or two..and three or four.

So...Wish me luck for everything.

Lazy Monday

Mirror mirror on the wall, whose hand is the fairest of 'em all?

A little funny gesture on the train, which got us some strange nasty look from fellow passengers.

'Ahoy there mate! What are you looking at?' I said. And then we ran out of the train to avoid some raw eggs and dirty tissues being thrown at us.

Today feels like Sunday with it being a day off and everything, and I woke up by a message from Eric saying, "Suppose the pig hasn't arisen yet!" Well yeah! I wouldn't have been arisen if not thanks to you! I wasn't sure if it was the being woken up from my wonderful sleep, or the pig reference part that bothered me, but either one was enough to throw me into PMS mood the whole day.

Well, at first. And then I made myself a hot cereal drink and I felt a lot better. I could even text him back in a civilized way. I spent the afternoon playing my keyboad and singing with the chairs as the audience so there was no way they could 'boo' me. In fact, I swear they even looked encouraging.

But, the holiday's over and it's school again tomorrow. Though, he's coming next week so I have that to look forward to! And my best friend's back in town so everything seems better!

This entry is totally meaningless. My day is totally meaningless. Gosh. The pig is back.

Long Weekend (or not)

Long weekend is here! One thing, though, I had class yesterday on a Saturday so technically I will only have 2 days off just like each and every week and I can't even call it long weekend, can I? But in the spirit of being up and pumping, I'd say, long weekend it is and I won't hear anything else! Nobody can ruin my good mood! Nope, not even a bad customer service or bad telephone connection!

Well, can I rephrase that?

Speaking of those two, and let me bitch about phone connection first, I don't know if this irritating crap only happens in connection between Singapore and China only or this always occurs on internation calls, period? It's so damn annoying 'cos I'm up on calls to China everyday and try not being able to hear anything from the other end when you're starting to get so serious or you're about to disclose an important life-changing information, or when you're simply about to crack a joke and the other person's reaction is always, "Huh? What?" Well, it beats the whole serious/life-altering/funny aspects of the whole conversation, right? And as much as I would love to repeat the whole damn thing, again, it won't sound the same as my first attempt cos the moment has passed (yes! there ARE some moments..)and you just end up getting pissed. Or, that is probably still better than getting disconnected in the middle of a conversation (a serious/life-altering/funny one). It's like, what the fuck, man?! Far too many times I just wanna strangle or beat the phone down to culp!

And don't get me started on bad customer service, because seriously it doesn't make a damn sense. Why work in service industry when you can't even give a decent service?! Isn't that the whole point of it all? To give service? And like I have said several times before, if you're not good with people, then grab a damn lab-jacket or something! Okay, for example, yesterday we (we being the people in the picture above plus two more guys from outer space) went to a shop to get pictures printed, and we needed it pretty urgently. They asked us to write in our name and contact number so one of us did. And then they told us to get back in ten minutes to collect the pictures. So we wandered around the mall and okay, that was already quite late (9.30ish is considered quite late for shops in mall), but ten minutes was all it took, right? So one of us went down after ten minutes or so and guess what??????

THE FUCKING SHOP HAS CLOSED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Well WHAT THE HELL DID WE WRITE IN OUR NAME AND CONTACT NUMBER FOR IF YOU COULDN'T EVEN GIVE US A CALL WHEN YOUR SHOP WAS ABOUT TO CLOSE AND YOU STILL GOT CUSTOMERS?!!

Sometimes I wonder if these people are for real. Human beings are supposed to have brains, right? Or common decency? Conscience, maybe? Well apparently not. Apparently somewhere in their makings, they forgot to put in that part. I don't know whom to blame, really, maybe it's just an unfortunate error, maybe it's the food they eat, or....I don't know, it just stopped functioning sometime around puberty?

Not being nasty, just saying like it is. You all should know I'm not known for being nasty. [Right? Right?] It's just stupidity in bimbotic proportion how it happened, really.

So, moving to a more pleasant topic. Yesterday I had dinner at Newton and it has been a while since I went there, but I enjoyed a heavenly spread of food: BBQ stingray, fried calamari, omelette with oysters, kang kong, yummm! It was so good especially the fish! So I was a happy girl last night! It doesn't take much to get me happy, does it? Just feed the girl, that's the solution!

Anyway, I know I haven't been writing here for at least a full week and I apologize for that. School has been kinda time-consuming, and I know the class is only like, three and a half hours everyday, but the topic just left me feeling drained afterwards so I end up taking afternoon naps after getting back from school on some days. It's an American history and politics class, and whereas the subject itself is interesting, it's tough and the lecturer is tough. You can tell that he expects a lot from his students and instead of him lowering his standard, we're the ones having to raise it a notch to match up his expectation. Everyday he would spend half the time lecturing us about the topics, from current political issue to basically everything else, and the other half showing us videos on american history. Watching the video is interesting because the history is presented visually rather than just verbally, but still, there are just so much to memorize and absorbed.

So keep your fingers crossed for me! :)

In the mean time, enjoy your long weekend and I'll catch you around!

Talking to someone like this made me realize that I've had such a great sheltered life.

You have friends right?

Not really..Pretty much alone

I'm serious

So am I. I stay away from everyone

So you think most people are not worthy of your attention?

Pretty much not worth hurting you. Or anyone

Why do you think you would hurt anyone? Hurt us by what?

Just cold. I am hard to be close to

You're just a tough nut to crack

You need to realize. That you are happy, and I'm not. That's the difference

I'm much happier when I have people..friends around

I don't let people define my happiness

It's not like that. It's okay, you know, to need people, no matter how independent or self-sufficient you are..

That's it. I stopped needing people over 10 years ago. And haven't asked for help in forever. I got given up on, so I started giving up the same way, on everyone and everything. I haven't even turned around since then

But why?

Got kicked out of my parents home, I was on my own in High School. Dad and didn't get along. I moved out and got my own place then I joined the military. I stayed in the mil for a few years got my degree. I went home from the military one day and the girl who had my son was sucking my so called best friends dick

What? First of all, you have a son??

I have one. I don't ever get to see him

You don't?

Nope.

Fuck. Where's the mother now?

She fucked up. Court gave her custody, and said I was unfit because of my job

After you punched and cut your friend's dick off, what happened?

I walked away, coldly, didn't even say a word, besides get out. Didn't even raise my voice

I sort of get it why you can't trust people anymore but..

Everyone's distant and gone

But you gotta know, not everyone there is out to hurt or betray you

Everyone's is a user one way or another. That's all I really see anymore

Yes, you have to be a lot more cautionous, but do you want to give up on people like that?

You met me way too many years too late. 5 years, I haven't touched, kissed or been with anyone. I don't talk to people unless I have to

Look where it got you..

Rich. I have more money than I know what to do with

Rich and what? With noone to share it with?

That's it. Noone I wanna share it with. Noone that I really trust.

...Who am I to judge, right?

Thanks for showing me that it's crappy. Money doesn't buy happiness, just loneliness. Remember that I said that

I'm sorry. I didn't mean that

You're fine, you're not saying anything wrong. I just don't talk to people like this. If you want to be honest that is all that matters. I don't just let anyone in. Ever.

Thanks???

"Yep have to thank that johnny guy when I see him all is well that ends well right:)"

But you know what, when I think back, maybe it would be better if I have never met him at all. At least he'd still be someone who used to be able to make me laugh everytime, not the guy who came and went; the one who turned out to be a dissappointment. And the time was just too short for it to be anything, who was I kidding?

I don't think I wanna thank him for anything yet, a part of me is still even angry although not even a residue of how I used to feel clouded my judgment.

No thanks for him.

Lil' Something from Lil' Sis

My little sister and I have an interesting relationship. We don't talk about boys or periods, make ups or fashion trends. Instead, we bond over play station games, music, cable tv, food, road trips and comic books. There is not much I can say about the similar way we think or express ourselves. She's always been distant, not because she's uncomfortable of sharing things or because there's just not enough time to sit and talk. She has always been her. She's just not the kind who bothers to be melancholic, swooning over unnecessary details.

She's more alike to my older sister than to me, they're both strong and nonchalant, unperturb and hard. Growing up, because of the age difference, we weren't as close as I wanted us to be. Even now, although being with her feels so natural and easy, I wish she would open up more.

But despite all that, she is my little sister and isn't she cute. She made this collage of her and me of the months I spent back home. We shared the same narcissistic trait, well, there you go, she's my sister afterall. If there is one thing, one thing at all that can be served as evidence, then there it is. Of course, it probably is easier to just take a look at us, surely our eyes are alike? Nose? Mouth? Anything?

Thanks for this, lil' sis! :)

Happy

What a weekend!

I'm so tired like a leaf, my eyes are blurry, lips are chapped, throat is sore, voice is gone..

And I'm really, really happy!:)

Don't ask me where the logic in that is cos there will be none. I'm just somewhat delirious, and am pretty sure it's a sin to feel this good. Gosh, can I be more melodramatic?

Boyfriend was here for the weekend and it just keeps getting better:)

Anyway. Thought this blog is getting pretty dry these days with all these words so here are some random pictures...of FOOD!


Love, love, love Jap food! Gotta love that sushi!


Dimsum luncheon at Great World City last Saturday! The chicken congee was really good, and those pork was mouth-watering too!


With dearest Sis. What more could we do while waiting? Definitely not reciting poems =p


..and with Rena at the chinese restaurant..I know, I'm not so organized this time, eh?


Everyone at the office wrote and signed me a 'goodbye-thank-you-good-luck-and-hope-you-won't-suck-in-your-future-career-that-is-if-anyone-would-wanna-hire-you' card...So sweet!


Considering it was our first ever 'picnic', I'd say it was quite an achievement..Okay, so it was raining so we had to sit with our umbrella open, and before it was burning hot so I was perspiring unglamorously, the wine was impossible to open (..he managed it eventually after drops of tears and blood) and every good spot was occupied so we had to move our asses a few times before we finally settled on a pathetic little slope (with too many ants around), but that wasn't the point, was it? So what was the point again? Oh yeah. Spending time together? Um,..yeah, that's it.

So that's all for now!:) I have a week off ahead before my next class so I'm planning for making the most of it! Have I told you I'm happy? :)

That's a Wrap.

This is it, I'm done with work, at least for now. I know it has only been three months but it feels so long I swear I must have grown some white hair in the process. But, in some ways, I have enjoyed it. There were moments when I whined a lot, I know, okay, most of the time, but still, there were others when I was charged and excited 'cos I'm doing something useful. And eventhough I only got paid literally a peanut, it was still money I couldn't refuse. So, all in all, I'm glad. And yesterday we had farewell lunch together and at the end of the day everyone wrote and signed me a card, which was really thoughtful from their part.

I still don't know how the heck I'm going to be able to endure this when the time comes, but I'll find a way, any way. Sometimes the thought is way scarier than the real thing, so I hope everything will work out fine. For now, I'm going to enjoy my freedom for a little while until my next class commences, and then we'll start talking about rational adult decision again. Deal?

So today is a public holiday and a special one too 'cos of other reason. It's a strange observation but I just realised that we always had a fight right before he comes. I'm serious, and they were real fights, not those cutey fake fight which intention was just to mock each other or because I was simply fishing for compliments, but fight fight with us slamming the phone down and feeling pissed for some time. But usually, then, minutes later we would feel awful about it and apologise, no matter whose fault it was to begin with. But that's always the case and I'm wondering, why the hell is that? What's that about?! I mean, the thought of us having a fight everytime he's about to come over is rather creepy. Right? It's like waiting for a bomb to explode. One night before and I would get all paranoid. Well, no actually, I'm not seriously worried about that. There are still other things we should worry about than having a fight with significant others, like..um..threat of starvation or...Mas Selamat. Whatever.

Anyway, came across James Morrison's You Give Me Something's US clip version and I still just love this song! Check this out.

Will definitely write more since I'm free now! Free as a bird! Yeay!