Welcome!: I'm sorry that I'm not sorry.

Saturday, 14 March 2015

I'm sorry that I'm not sorry.

I need to get this off my chest.

I've come a long way since I was a silly 20-year old living out in my parents' place, spending money and partying away. I was that kid who needed validation, who loved being the center of attention, surrounded by friends because I couldn't take being alone. I didn't want to be lonely - so I overcompensated.

I made bad choices, yes I know. But who doesn't? I've grown to someone who's comfortable enough being in her own skin, who no longer needs a comformation from society to 'fit in' and be accepted. I learned that it's not a matter of how many friends you have, or how many parties you go to that makes you a better person.

I'm finally content - with the job that I'm passionate about, my family and partner of the past 4 years, and close friends I've known for years. It used to be 'hey I don't agree with your life choices and materialistic, hedonistic behaviour but let's be friends nonetheless' but now I take comfort in the fact that I can get away from people who are toxic and negative.. and be okay with that decision.

So seriously. You. I don't hate you. I've known you for so long and I've tried my best to help you out. To offer a listening ear, to support you in your choices, but man, maybe it's time for me to think about me because you're bringing me down. I care about you, but I can't go through the same thing all over again when I feel that you're never listening to me and no matter how many times I told you to do something, you say yes and you agree, but you never do it! And again and again, you come to me and complain, and get frustrated, but what do you expect? If you never do something about it, how would you expect things to change?

We're adults enough to know that we can't control other people's action, or that we can't even control the situation that is happening to us, but all we can control is our own action. And if someone is just consistently beating you down, bringing your self esteem to a down low, belittling you, making everything a competition and shoving it in your face that you can't win... this person is NOT your friend and you should keep this person out of your life once in for all. Because fool me once, shame on you, but fool me twice, shame on me.

I'm fine being your punching bag sometimes if I know that at least you're trying to be better, to make things right. But how much more of it can I take?

I have enough things on my plate as it is. Everyone has responsibilities right? I love my job but it's keeping me busy all the time, and the traveling isn't so bad nowadays but it was quite bad a few months ago when I had to be out of the country most of the time. My relationship takes effort too. I have my own insecurities, God knows that. I have a lot of issues. Sometimes I don't feel like I'm good enough - I push my boyfriend away because I'm convinced he's better off without me.

What I'm saying is.. maybe I would have had more patience if this were happening in my early 20s. But I can't deal with this right now because I have my own things to worry about. I've reached the limit and I don't want to be mean. I wish you all the best and I hope you can sort out your life and feel confident again. I hope all that, and more. But I'm sorry that I can't be there to see you repeat the same mistakes and complain about the same thing over and over again.

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Quotes

There's a hundred million different ways of writing, and it takes you a long time to sort through that stuff. And I think it takes anyone a long time to find a voice.

You must learn to take the good with the bad, the happy with the sad, love what you’ve got and remember what you had. Learn to forgive, but never forget, learn from your mistakes but never regret. People change and things go wrong, but you just have to remember that life goes on.

The day before I’m supposed to be meeting Caroline for a drink, I develop all the textbook symptoms of a crush: nervous stomach, long periods spent daydreaming, an inability to remember what she looks like. I can bring back the dress and the boots, and I can see her bangs, but her face is a blank.

I don't know, I think that if I could just accept the fact that my life is supposed to be difficult. You know, that's what to be expected, then I might not get so pissed-off about it and I'll just be glad when something nice happens.

I can see now I never really committed to Laura. I always had one foot out the door, and that prevented me from doing a lot of things, like thinking about my future and... I guess it made more sense to commit to nothing, keep my options open. And that's suicide. By tiny, tiny increments.

There's a big fucking world out there. It's messy, and it's chaotic, and it's never, never ever the thing you'd expect. It is ok to be scared, but you cannot allow your fears to turn you into an asshole, not when it comes to the people that love you, the people that need you.

Maybe what I'm saying is, is the world might be evolving the way a person evolves. Right? Like, I mean, me for example. Am I getting worse? Am I improving? I don't know. When I was younger, I was healthier, but I was, uh, whacked with insecurity, you know? Now I'm older and my problems are deeper, but I'm more equipped to handle them.

I am nothing special; just a common man with common thoughts, and I've led a common life. There are no monuments dedicated to me and my name will soon be forgotten. But in one respect I have succeeded as gloriously as anyone who's ever lived: I've loved another with all my heart and soul; and to me, this has always been enough.

Later that day I got to thinking about relationships. There are those that open you up to something new and exotic, those that are old and familiar, those that bring up lots of questions, those that bring you somewhere unexpected, those that bring you far from where you started, and those that bring you back. But the most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you can find someone to love the you you love, well, that's just fabulous.

A woman needs to be held, even, and science has shown this, if its with someone she doesn't care about. Protective hormones are released, and the amount of hormones released depends on the degree to which she is held. The first and best is the complete surround. He wraps you in both arms, whispers how beautiful you are. Second best is the 'arm around.' He is next to you but with one arm around you. Third is he's just next to you on his elbow, but he rests his hand on your stomach and looks at you. Fourth is you snuggling up to him with your head on his chest, while he looks away into space. But when the first best happens, you feel completely, wonderfully like a woman.

So, so what, so fuck off, go home, leave you alone? I'll tell you something Paul, there isn't anything that I've wanted for eighteen years, cause I was a kid eighteen years ago. And if I did still want the same things I'd think I'd gone wrong somewhere, because actually I don't want to marry David Cassidy, I don't want bigger tits, I don't want to do better on my marks. I've stopped worrying about that kind of thing and maybe you should try.

Well maybe there's a big bit of you that's gone missing somewhere, maybe everyone should want something they've always wanted.

Why is it that adults aren't supposed to go mad about anything? You gotta keep a lid on it. And if you don't then people are apparently entitled to say what they like. "You haven't grown up. You're a moron. Your conversation is trivial and boorish. You can't express your emotional needs. You can't relate to your children." And you die, lonely and miserable. But you know, what the hell, every cloud has a silver lining.

I just woke up one morning and didn't feel the same way. Where did it go? It was like there had been a lot of food on a plate in front of us, and we ate it all really quickly, and then there was nothing left. Maybe that's how couples stay together: they're not greedy. They know that what they have in front of them has to last a long time, so they kind of pick at it. I hope it's not like that, though. I hope that when people are happy together, it feels as though someone keeps piling seconds and thirds on their plates.

That is what I have learned: Sex is destructive. Love is nothing to be fooled with. I learned that I was dangerous, not to be trusted. I wondered if my parents were right, with all of their stiff lovelessness. Maybe they knew better. My parents don't dole out love for the deserving or the undeserving. I was learning that love could cost me.

You could say all you liked about reason and logic and common sense and imagination, but when the chips were down, the one skill you needed was the ability to think about absolutely nothing whatsoever.

There is a comfort in never making an effort, but it's a lonely comfort. What keeps you going is the knowledge that you're only playing with only four cards showing. But when you see other people succeeding with their mediocre hands, you have to make a decision. If you turn over that final card you're certain of victory, but it also means you have nothing in reserve.

I’d gone through life believing in the strength and competence of others; never in my own. Now, dazzled, I discovered that my capacities were real. It was like finding a fortune in the lining of an old coat.

Maybe we all live life at too high a pitch, those of us who absorb emotional things all day, and as mere consequence we can never feel merely content: we have to be unhappy, or ecstatically, head-over-heels happy, and those states are difficult to achieve within a stable, solid relationship.