Saturday, 14 March 2015

I'm sorry that I'm not sorry.

I need to get this off my chest.

I've come a long way since I was a silly 20-year old living out in my parents' place, spending money and partying away. I was that kid who needed validation, who loved being the center of attention, surrounded by friends because I couldn't take being alone. I didn't want to be lonely - so I overcompensated. 

I made bad choices, yes I know. But who doesn't? I've grown to someone who's comfortable enough being in her own skin, who no longer needs a comformation from society to 'fit in' and be accepted. I learned that it's not a matter of how many friends you have, or how many parties you go to that makes you a better person. 

I'm finally content - with the job that I'm passionate about, my family and partner of the past 4 years, and close friends I've known for years. It used to be 'hey I don't agree with your life choices and materialistic, hedonistic behaviour but let's be friends nonetheless' but now I take comfort in the fact that I can get away from people who are toxic and negative.. and be okay with that decision.

So seriously. You. I don't hate you. I've known you for so long and I've tried my best to help you out. To offer a listening ear, to support you in your choices, but man, maybe it's time for me to think about me because you're bringing me down. I care about you, but I can't go through the same thing all over again when I feel that you're never listening to me and no matter how many times I told you to do something, you say yes and you agree, but you never do it! And again and again, you come to me and complain, and get frustrated, but what do you expect? If you never do something about it, how would you expect things to change?

We're adults enough to know that we can't control other people's action, or that we can't even control the situation that is happening to us, but all we can control is our own action. And if someone is just consistently beating you down, bringing your self esteem to a down low, belittling you, making everything a competition and shoving it in your face that you can't win... this person is NOT your friend and you should keep this person out of your life once in for all. Because fool me once, shame on you, but fool me twice, shame on me.

I'm fine being your punching bag sometimes if I know that at least you're trying to be better, to make things right. But how much more of it can I take? 

I have enough things on my plate as it is. Everyone has responsibilities right? I love my job but it's keeping me busy all the time, and the traveling isn't so bad nowadays but it was quite bad a few months ago when I had to be out of the country most of the time. My relationship takes effort too. I have my own insecurities, God knows that. I have a lot of issues. Sometimes I don't feel like I'm good enough - I push my boyfriend away because I'm convinced he's better off without me. 

What I'm saying is.. maybe I would have had more patience if this were happening in my early 20s. But I can't deal with this right now because I have my own things to worry about. I've reached the limit and I don't want to be mean. I wish you all the best and I hope you can sort out your life and feel confident again. I hope all that, and more. But I'm sorry that I can't be there to see you repeat the same mistakes and complain about the same thing over and over again. 

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