Welcome!: November 2014

Tuesday, 25 November 2014

Shots of Awe.

To be an adult is to figure out the parameters that allow you to be a kid again.

Monday, 24 November 2014

If you ever wake up, and think that no one needs you, I need you.

If you ever wake up, and think that there's no love, I will always love you.

If you ever wake up, and can't find your purpose, I will hold a candle and help you find it.

If you ever wake up, and don't know who or why you are, I can tell you.

If you ever wake up, and don't know why you bothered, I will remind you. Please remember me, and let me give you reasons.

The Tension Between Who You Are

You want to be so many things. I always thought you would settle down one day and be ok with just being who you are. And what kind of monster would I be, to ask you to want to be less? Maybe wanting to be so many things, is just who you are.

How little they think of you.

I’m reminded once again on why Before Sunrise franchise is one of my all-time beloved movies. The characters are as real as you and me, and importantly the dialogues really touch me in a way that very few movies can.

When a movie speaks to you on such a personal level, it’s really quite something else. Especially for a hopeless romantic like me who loves words and finds meaning in every little detail. There are so many quotes from the movie that I love so much, but in this instance I would like to share one quote that resonates well with me.

“You know what’s the worst thing about somebody breaking up with you? It’s when you remember how little you thought about the people you broke up with and you realize that is how little they’re thinking of you. You know, you’d like to think you’re both in all this pain but they’re just like “Hey, I’m glad you’re gone.”

I think it doesn’t just apply to romantic relationship, but also to friendship. You would think that when two people fall apart, we both would suffer the loss equally. But no, that’s not the case.

Sometimes I value my friendship too much, or I put too much expectation to it, I’ll just end up getting disappointed because it turns out that the other person just doesn’t give a fuck.

But then when everything is said and done, and you’re left with the loss of friend.. and you find yourself missing them, and think to yourself that they must miss this friendship too.. well, guess what, they probably don’t.

It’s just like that dialogue from the movie. That’s how little they think of you. And it hurts, it does. But reality hurts, and I’d rather deal with reality, no matter how sucky, than live in daydream illusion that the other person cares.

Wednesday, 12 November 2014

Growing away

When I look at you, I can see the person you used to be drowning in the person you are. And it makes me nostalgic and sad because I know when you look at me, you must see the same thing.

Tuesday, 11 November 2014

How I took part (and finished) my very first marathon.. (ever)

Last Sunday, I took part in my very first marathon!

"Whaaaaat?" I can hear all of you screaming in disbelief.

"But.... it can't be! You are the laziest, most unfit person I know!" Yes, I can still hear that!

Honestly ~~(and shamelessly)~~, it's true. What do you expect from a girl whose favourite past-time is sleep, and favourite day is Sunday just because she can sleep some more?

But hey, this year is all about change, right?

And I'm at that point where I feel that things are going well for me. Having a change of job this year is a huge positive step, and I'm truly happier, more aggressive than ever to do things that are normally out of my comfort zone.

So when I came across Great Eastern Marathon and one of my colleagues persuaded me to take part, I was like "Oh yes baby! This is for the new and improved Tina!" and before I knew it, I've signed up for 10km.

I thought I would have trained for it, but I didn't. Oh wait, I did, once. I ran and walked mostly for about 6km, and the second training never happened because oh well, life happened.

*Dramatic pause*

Next thing I knew, I was sent to Jakarta for over a month, and the race was nearing, in fact it was just a week away when I finally remembered that I haven't been exercising at all!

But it was too late to back out and besides, in my mind I was like, "How bad can it be?" So being an overconfident person (overcompensating for the fact that I really am not fit at all), I went to the race with 0 training. It was the first time I put on my running shoes after probably 2 months. Ha!

Before the race, having serious "Wtf, what am I thinking?" moment.

But hey, the fact that I'm writing this, 2 days after the race, means that I am still alive! Yay! And I completed the race with flying colors! (I'm also the teacher who passes the flying color mark) And although now my whole body is sore, and I'm walking with a limp, I feel really happy and proud that I did it! I would never think that I would be able to run 10km in my current state.

Mind over matter, baby.

The race was a fun experience. There were tens of thousands of people participating, and it's indeed encouraging to have so many people running around you; you can't be the only one slacking, can you?

Tina, time to hide your true color. Act like you're so into running!

But seriously, there were times I had to stop running and did a slow-jog or brisk-walk instead, but overall I think I did okay and I enjoyed it! It was fun coming to different checkpoints, each km brought a wide grin over to our faces, and really, when you were in the moment, you couldn't even have thought of quitting. The energy was awesome!

And look, before I knew it, I completed it! (Not really, actually I knew it very, very clear)

So that's the story of how I managed to do my very first marathon. I even have the medal to prove it! :)

Hey, if a lazy Tina can run for 10km, millions of life's possibilities are now within reach!

Kids! Go out there and explore! Be a scientist! Go to space! Learn dothraki! Anything's possible!

Lessons.

In recent years, I have learnt to appreciate genuine friends as they truly are. When we were younger, having a lot of friends was everything, don't you remember at how we used to measure one's popularity by seeing how many friends they have on Facebook? How vain can we be?

I come to treasure a few gems in my life who are not just convenient friends, or accidental friends, or even fake and superficial ones; but real, sincere and caring friends whom I know I can always turn to in times of need.

They may not be someone whom you meet every day or even every other week. But I think that's how you really know.

So let's cheer to our real friends whom are unaffected by life's circumstances.

When sadness was the sea, you were the one that taught me to swim.

Everything's complicated, even those things that seem flat in their bleakness or sadness.

You can never replace anyone because everyone is made up of such beautiful specific details.

I think when you get to the point where you don't need to be in love, then you could be in love. You have to just be OK with yourself-and that's a long process.

Words and hearts should be handled with care.. for words when spoken and hearts when broken are the hardest thing to repair.

It seems to me now that the plain state of being human is dramatic enough for anyone; you don't need to be a heroin addict or a performance poet to experience extremity. You just have to love someone.

It's just that I don't want to be somebody's crush. If somebody likes me, I want them to like the real me, not what they think I am. And I don't want them to carry it around inside. I want them to show me, so I can feel it too.

The best and most beautiful things in life cannot be seen or even touched. They must be felt with the heart.

Quotes

There's a hundred million different ways of writing, and it takes you a long time to sort through that stuff. And I think it takes anyone a long time to find a voice.

You must learn to take the good with the bad, the happy with the sad, love what you’ve got and remember what you had. Learn to forgive, but never forget, learn from your mistakes but never regret. People change and things go wrong, but you just have to remember that life goes on.

The day before I’m supposed to be meeting Caroline for a drink, I develop all the textbook symptoms of a crush: nervous stomach, long periods spent daydreaming, an inability to remember what she looks like. I can bring back the dress and the boots, and I can see her bangs, but her face is a blank.

I don't know, I think that if I could just accept the fact that my life is supposed to be difficult. You know, that's what to be expected, then I might not get so pissed-off about it and I'll just be glad when something nice happens.

I can see now I never really committed to Laura. I always had one foot out the door, and that prevented me from doing a lot of things, like thinking about my future and... I guess it made more sense to commit to nothing, keep my options open. And that's suicide. By tiny, tiny increments.

There's a big fucking world out there. It's messy, and it's chaotic, and it's never, never ever the thing you'd expect. It is ok to be scared, but you cannot allow your fears to turn you into an asshole, not when it comes to the people that love you, the people that need you.

Maybe what I'm saying is, is the world might be evolving the way a person evolves. Right? Like, I mean, me for example. Am I getting worse? Am I improving? I don't know. When I was younger, I was healthier, but I was, uh, whacked with insecurity, you know? Now I'm older and my problems are deeper, but I'm more equipped to handle them.

I am nothing special; just a common man with common thoughts, and I've led a common life. There are no monuments dedicated to me and my name will soon be forgotten. But in one respect I have succeeded as gloriously as anyone who's ever lived: I've loved another with all my heart and soul; and to me, this has always been enough.

Later that day I got to thinking about relationships. There are those that open you up to something new and exotic, those that are old and familiar, those that bring up lots of questions, those that bring you somewhere unexpected, those that bring you far from where you started, and those that bring you back. But the most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you can find someone to love the you you love, well, that's just fabulous.

A woman needs to be held, even, and science has shown this, if its with someone she doesn't care about. Protective hormones are released, and the amount of hormones released depends on the degree to which she is held. The first and best is the complete surround. He wraps you in both arms, whispers how beautiful you are. Second best is the 'arm around.' He is next to you but with one arm around you. Third is he's just next to you on his elbow, but he rests his hand on your stomach and looks at you. Fourth is you snuggling up to him with your head on his chest, while he looks away into space. But when the first best happens, you feel completely, wonderfully like a woman.

So, so what, so fuck off, go home, leave you alone? I'll tell you something Paul, there isn't anything that I've wanted for eighteen years, cause I was a kid eighteen years ago. And if I did still want the same things I'd think I'd gone wrong somewhere, because actually I don't want to marry David Cassidy, I don't want bigger tits, I don't want to do better on my marks. I've stopped worrying about that kind of thing and maybe you should try.

Well maybe there's a big bit of you that's gone missing somewhere, maybe everyone should want something they've always wanted.

Why is it that adults aren't supposed to go mad about anything? You gotta keep a lid on it. And if you don't then people are apparently entitled to say what they like. "You haven't grown up. You're a moron. Your conversation is trivial and boorish. You can't express your emotional needs. You can't relate to your children." And you die, lonely and miserable. But you know, what the hell, every cloud has a silver lining.

I just woke up one morning and didn't feel the same way. Where did it go? It was like there had been a lot of food on a plate in front of us, and we ate it all really quickly, and then there was nothing left. Maybe that's how couples stay together: they're not greedy. They know that what they have in front of them has to last a long time, so they kind of pick at it. I hope it's not like that, though. I hope that when people are happy together, it feels as though someone keeps piling seconds and thirds on their plates.

That is what I have learned: Sex is destructive. Love is nothing to be fooled with. I learned that I was dangerous, not to be trusted. I wondered if my parents were right, with all of their stiff lovelessness. Maybe they knew better. My parents don't dole out love for the deserving or the undeserving. I was learning that love could cost me.

You could say all you liked about reason and logic and common sense and imagination, but when the chips were down, the one skill you needed was the ability to think about absolutely nothing whatsoever.

There is a comfort in never making an effort, but it's a lonely comfort. What keeps you going is the knowledge that you're only playing with only four cards showing. But when you see other people succeeding with their mediocre hands, you have to make a decision. If you turn over that final card you're certain of victory, but it also means you have nothing in reserve.

I’d gone through life believing in the strength and competence of others; never in my own. Now, dazzled, I discovered that my capacities were real. It was like finding a fortune in the lining of an old coat.

Maybe we all live life at too high a pitch, those of us who absorb emotional things all day, and as mere consequence we can never feel merely content: we have to be unhappy, or ecstatically, head-over-heels happy, and those states are difficult to achieve within a stable, solid relationship.