..Maybe.

And maybe I'll sleep at the station because there's nothing to go home to but an empty fridge and some stale mayonnaise.

And maybe I'll make friends with the guys sleeping under cardboard boxes and newspapers and we'll discuss what it means to love and to live.

And maybe I'll wander the city, one lost particle in a dust storm of Mondays, late nights and reports due yesterday.

And maybe I'll get on a plane or a ship and get lost in places I've never been lost in before.

And maybe I'll keep my phone on me in case you call. And tell me there's something to come home to.

Beautiful stranger

Even though you're the most hopeless guy, I like the way you get me all giddy and dreamy whenever I think about you.

I feel like a little girl who's just had her first crush with someone she barely knew. I guess in a way I have to thank you for reminding me that at least I still have a soul. The ability to like someone in the most innocent way, the easiest way.

Not that I think we'll ever have a chance. But it's alright. I like liking you as it is. I think I'll freak out if I get something more out of it.

So. Stay that way. Stay mysterious and nonchalant. You're cute that way. ;)

No matter where you go, bring your love with you.

One is the loneliest number!

So my ex-colleague is getting married and she messaged us a few weeks back over at Facebook to let us know that we are all invited to the party. She included a bunch of us ex-colleagues in the message and said:

"Hey, so PJ + bla bla (her respective other), Rachel + bla bla (her respective other), Bee Hwee + bla bla (her respective other - in fact her husband!), Seraph + bla bla (her respective other), Christina, ...."

COMMA!

>No plus, not even a fake name inserted there to save my pride. That's it, just comma!! So saaaddd!!!

I was hit by the realization that I may be the only single one among us. Heck, I may be the only single one in town! In the whole Singapore! *insert all sorts of mockery here* Go ahead, you know you want it.

While everyone is going to be there with their plus one, the fact that I will be going alone will be magnified and people will start to talk. A girl at a certain age, alone, unacceptable! I anticipate whispers and gossips as people stared, trying to find out what's wrong with me, and within 5 seconds of talking to me, they would understand why.

I've been living with myself for the past 23 years! Now you know why I'm crazy sometimes!

Aside from the sad prospect of going solo to attend a beautiful wedding ceremony of a lovely friend of mine, I am absolutely excited to meet my ex-colleagues!

p.s: By the way, in case you couldn't tell, this is meant to be a joke! ;))

p.s.s: I'm writing this while listening to Lil' Wayne - I'm Going Solo. It's a cruel coincidence, isn't it? Ha!

Have been.

I know you're just a rag doll now, sewn together with memories that we might have had.
I know you're just the dream inside of a dream
And don't worry, I know I don't know you, anymore.

Dentist visit

I have never liked the word D! Dragon! Doctor! Dentist! Double D!

But now I'm gonna talk about my dysfunctional relationship with the d in dentist! As a kid, my brain has already been shutting down and rejecting the idea of going to the dentist. Gosh, I can still remember the fear I would have just by sitting at the waiting room, trying so hard to distract myself by reading magazines, but of course it didn't really help. In my mind I kept thinking I heard some screaming going on inside the room. Maybe my parents would have heard that too, and thus, rescued me from the premises.

And of course! The smell! Why is it that all dentist offices have the same smell?! Do they have the same air freshener? Is there a handbook on that? You can't be certified as a dentist unless you buy this freshener which smells like, pain and fear!

To conclude, it's safe to say that I would be really, really content and pleased with myself if I don't ever need to pay a visit to this fine establishment again. But the time has come and I have to fulfill my destiny! Since a few days ago I've been having toothache, which came on and off. Well, I could still eat and the pain wasn't so intense that prohibited me from doing anything else. For most parts it was still tolerable, so I thought initially it was just a case of sensitive tooth from something I might have eaten.

It wasn't until yesterday that the pain was getting more intense and at night I couldn't sleep because my tooth was throbbing, and there's nothing I could do about it! In the morning I thought I couldn't be able to get up and go to work, but somehow I managed. And yeah, the pain was still on-and-off and during the day, I didn't feel as much pain at work as I was during the night before.

But it's clear that something was wrong, and I wasn't about to wait until the pain got worse, so this morning I started calling dentist offices to make an appointment. Alright, I'm starting to bore you so I'm gonna speed up. Let's just say that it freaking hurts during the examination!

It was bad enough having a throbbing tooth, it was even worse when someone kept poking and scratching it! (And for your information, there! The smell was there again! I told you - same air-freshener.) By the end of it, I almost couldn't speak because the dentist gave me some anesthetic so I couldn't feel the left side of my mouth. Isn't it crazy, how something so small like a tooth (which otherwise you wouldn't pay too attention to, I mean, compared to let's say, your arm! Or your leg) could generate that much pain.

Once my toe nail broke and shite, I almost pissed myself out of pain. And it's just a freaking toe nail! What happens if my fingers got cut off!!! Maybe I'll pass out. *touch wood, touch wood!*

Anyway, yeah. They did an x-ray too, and my wisdom teeth were in the wrong direction. Although, they were all at the very back so the doctor said it's not that urgent to get them removed. Eventually I need to, though. He mentioned that these days all you gotta do is sleep, and they would remove all of them during your sleep, and you would wake up feeling nothing and no pain and the procedure is done! Sign me up, please! That's the best method I've ever heard. They need to apply the same method to..child birth process, I'd say. Ha!

Sorry, getting sidetracked here. So, after the long and painful examination and treatment, the dentist gave me a painkiller to last me 12 hours each, so tonight I expect a painless sleep. But that treatment only already cost me $170!

Please, don't remind me of all the nice things I could have bought with that $170! But I guess, that's the price I have to pay for not having throbbing toothache again!

Dang it. See, I told you I don't like the word D!

Uncalled

What is up with the water lately? Do I miss my memo that today people are allowed to be jerks? And I thought girls are supposed to be the sensitive ones.

Sometimes I wonder if I should stop being so jokingly all the time. I cover my awkwardness with jokes, trying to be funny ha-ha to make people laugh, even if that makes me look silly. My sisters always say that I'm the clown in the family, not necessarily because I'm always happy, but because when I am, I think I kinda overdo it. Some people may call me lame. The kinder ones would say I'm a little bit, well, kinda, funny. Sometimes.

Anyway, what happened earlier, I was just being my usual lame slash funny self, and I was in no way trying to hint anything or even being sarcastic. To have you suddenly explode on me like that wasn't cool at all.

I mean, how long have you known me? How long have we known each other? I know you get stressed out a lot, I know you're an overachiever and you hate failing and you hate disappointing your friends, but seriously. The more you think about it, the more you make it as a pressure, the more you're gonna piss off the people who care about you.

We've been through this more than once. I feel like, this is always the part where we get frustrated with each other. You're probably thinking the same thing about me. Oh, I'm too lame, I joke when it's not the time to, I'm too sensitive, I'm too negative, or whatever else you may think of.

But I've never listened to your one liner and just immediately jumped into conclusion and threw a tantrum. The whole thing today, it really threw me off. I don't know that I have been a part of the things that have been stressing you out. Like, I demanded something in the midst of your busy, crazy life. I've always understood all of that, and it's part of the reason why I just wanna cheer you up every time we talk. It's not by any means, meant to push your buttons.

I know, that I'm not supposed to have expectations now. I think we both know that. Realistically speaking, you shouldn't have expectations for me either. I'm sorry if you feel that way, especially if you feel that my expectation is stressing you out. Then don't. Really, don't let it. I never meant it to be.

I think it's best that we deal with ourselves for now. We have been extremely busy these days, haven't we? Yeah, it's alright. Let it just flow. We'll find ways to catch up somehow. For now, maybe you should focus on your life, and don't let me distract you. We'll both be okay. I'm alright. I'm just really tired.

Anyway. I'm done rambling. I was browsing through IMDb earlier and I came across this quotes from the movie In the Land of Women. I saw it on DVD a while back, and thought it was pretty decent. Maybe I'm biased 'cos Adam Brody was in it. So, there's this quote I like. It goes something like this.

There's a big fucking world out there. It's messy, and it's chaotic, and it's never, never ever the thing you'd expect. It is ok to be scared, but you cannot allow your fears to turn you into an asshole, not when it comes to the people that love you, the people that need you.

I know sometimes I may be guilty on that too. But I'm trying not to. Because it always sucks when people take out their uncalled anger on you. So, I'm trying not to ever do that again.

Quote of the Day

I may still not know what I want to be when I grow up, but I do want to live in a house filled with books and travel souvenirs. And the walls that aren’t covered in bookshelves will be covered with photos of my family and friends. When I leave the house I will be going to a job I love and I’ll return to a person I love. So, that’s the dream I’m working on.

Three

So things were so hectic at work today that I didn't have much time to pause and think. It was only at 4pm that my dad talked to me over the messenger and said that today exactly marks three years since the day you've been away.

He said, "I'm sure she is happy now seeing all of you."

That is the only comfort I should believe, right? I probably have said it before, and if I have, then bear with me or don't even bother to continue reading.

For years you have led me the way and I am who I am today because of you, and yet you aren't here. It doesn't seem right. I want you to be here and see that I finally got my act together. That I'm no longer hopeless, or dependent. In my tiny mind, I am making something out of myself, or at least I'm going there.

I want you to see that for the past three years, I have changed. People say that you never know what you have 'til it's gone. I've always been so aware of your influence in my life, the big part you have taken in making me who I am today, and yet only since you were gone that I needed to make a change. I could no longer be the same, irresponsible daughter, and sister.

It's not that I am strong. But I don't have a choice and this whole experience taught me to cherish and not take things for granted. At least when it comes to the people who love you. Your family. That is the most important thing.

What I'm saying is, it's not right that you are not here. You should know that I can make my own way now, that I don't have to be lost on my own anymore. And it's all because of you.

The only thing that I want is for you to be happy, and for you to be proud of me.

I like books. (more than people?)

I miss having a good read. ;)

Quote of the Day

Do it once. Then do it again. The more you write, the more you paint, the more you sing, the more you dance, the more you live, the better you get. It’s that simple.

Favorites.

Don't you just love browsing through celebrity pictures?! Oh well. Maybe that's just me. Ha!

I have to say though, seems like brunettes are the way to go!

Emma Watson.

Zooey Deschanel.

Katie Holmes.

Dianna Agron.

Reese Witherspoon.

Lauren Graham and Alexis Bledel.

Ellen Page.

Jennifer Garner.

Went Cycling

This week is so crazy and full of surprises like you wouldn't believe. In the midst of work and still trying to gain some sanity by going out and having fun, days passed by ever so quickly.

I've managed to finish the layout of my next assignment with Mind+ magazine, though. There's still a lot of work to be done 'til I get the article completed but well, at least it's something and I still have until the end of the month to work on it. See, that's the thing about writing as a 'job'. I don't know. I love writing, but I guess it's different when you start doing it as a work. Sure there's still some pleasure involved, but it's not truly yours anymore. Not your freedom, unless you're one of the lucky ones who get to pick and choose what to write. But so far it's been good for me, I suppose. I'm not complaining! Trying to be positive, remember?

I went through some emotional hurdle this week. It's really, really silly, though. I hate myself for being so emotional. I think I've said it many times before. I think too much. As a result, I worry and get affected too easily. When you have been that way for as long as you remember, how could you change?

Now I'm over it though! I've burnt all those teenage angst during muay thai yesterday! After the short session, I felt like seriously punching (certain) people in the head. Oh no. In all seriousness, it's always fun meeting new people and learning new things.

Today I went to Pulau Ubin with sisters and cousins and my sister-in-law. Ehm. ;) It started out great 'cos we were all excited to cycle and enjoy the nature for a change. Once we started cycling for half an hour, the weather started to shift and before we knew it, rain came pouring in like cats and dogs! Thank goodness we managed to reach the central of the so-called-town and had lunch when it was still drizzling. It stopped sometime during lunch, so we thought, great. Now the weather's perfect and cool to continue our cycle.

So we did. Not long after it started raining again though! Harder and harder as time went on and we were quite drenched and the slopes were steep and lots of times we had to carry the bike and walk. My butt seriously hurt 'cos the seat was too hard! I don't know how we did it, but we somehow managed to finish the trail and go back to return the bikes in one piece! I fell down from my bike once, ouch!

By the time we're done, I was like, "dang, this is a once-in-a-lifetime experience. You know what, never again." Haha! A little British humor there.

Let me share some (unglamorous) pictures from our day in the island. I was scrolling through them and realized I looked overwhelmingly fat! Ugh. Plus we were all sweating and wet and tired and dirty. These are the pictures that won't make it to Facebook. ;p Nah. I'm kidding. Or am I?

Speaking of which, I'm gonna do that later because the pictures need to be resized first. I'll get around to posting them here eventually though.

So. Until next time! ;)

Quickie

So. What have I been up to, you ask?

Well. Work. And work. And work. And work some more. And sleep. And work.

Time passed by like a breeze. Oh, but in between all those working. We've been..eh, sorta playing too.

And playing..

And well, a bit more playing.

And while at it..

And..

Hmm.

I think it's been a healthy balance. Don't you think?

The Gate by Shawna Howson

Before our hair had wisped to gray
You used to turn to me and say
“You are the only one I’ll hold
Till fingers shake, till we grow old.
And even when my hands won’t bend
I’ll stand by you till joints give in
And after that I’ll sing you songs
I’ll hum until my voice is gone.
And when my voice won’t carry tunes
I’ll dream you Heaven’s holy rooms
And if I leave the earth behind
I beg you, keep your eyes in kind.
For my new hands, they wait for yours
My legs are strong, my voice a chorus
And I will sit inside that room
I’ll wait, my love, I’ll wait for you.”
And so I keep my eyes in kind
I count the days till Heaven’s skies
Wherein you dine with God in wait
I’m coming, darling, mind the gate.

Something out there

I am tired. I get emotional when I'm tired, and right now I'm just missing my friends. What I do usually when I'm being melancholic, is seeing pictures of skyline because, I don't know, it gets me all wishful and peaceful.

I can just look up and see the skyline poster that you gave me, and it would make me smile.

So. Maybe I need a little extra happiness tonight.



I think the thing with seeing the skyscraper and the sky and the buildings of another place than here kinda reminds me that there is a big world out there. There's a view we have yet to see. People we have not met, places we have yet ventured.

Is that weird?