Saturday, Obvious.

Wow, office is so quiet today. Some of my colleagues are helping out with the buffet downstairs, packing stuffs I think. I, on the other hand, have some emails to clear (and blog to write, but that’s just between you and me), so I managed to escape and withdraw myself from the hectic crowds to my peaceful, quiet desk. All I can hear is the soft music from the radio my colleague is playing at the other end, and the comforting clicking sound of keyboards. Personally, I love it. (referring to the sound of keyboard)

Once again I’m going to count my blessings for yet another wonderful day we have here! Awesome weekend is waiting ahead… in 1.5 hour time!

Anyway, I was re-reading some of my old posts and I came across one which mentioned a song by Westlife, “Obvious”.

Man, that was a good song.
And yes, I’m hopeless for boybands.

I listened to that song religiously when I was in my third year of middle school back in Jakarta. I remember because that was when I started dating my first boyfriend (then.) Anyway, it doesn’t matter now, but what I loved about the song was how much I could relate to it.

Actually, I can sort of still relate to it now.

Before I got together with dearie a couple of months back, I’ve already developed a crush on him for a while somehow and I can’t pinpoint why, aside from the fact that he’s just different. He’s smart and articulate (and this is important, people!) and endearing and unpretentious. Unapologetically sincere.

He was oblivious at that time though, and who could blame him? Apparently when I was around him, my vocabulary immediately shrunk to a pitiful range of words only found in children’s book. Suddenly I blushed, and stammered, and looked away a lot. I wouldn’t like me either.

Alright, not gonna bore with you the details. That’s not the point of this post! Back to the song, people!

Anyway, yeah. Since now you have a bit of a background, listen to the lyrics (or rather, read it) while preferably listen to the song (if you can download it now..)

Ps. Downloading songs is illegal, people! Save our music!

We started as friends
But something happened inside me
Now I'm reading into everything
But there's no sign you hear the lightning, baby

You don't ever notice me turning on my charm
Or wonder why I'm always where you are

I've made it obvious
Done everything but sing it
(I've crushed on you so long, but on and on you get me wrong)
I'm not so good with words
And since you never notice
The way that we belong
I'll say it in a love song

I've heard you talk about
How you want someone just like me
But everytime I ask you out
We never move pass friendly

And you don't ever notice how I stare when we're alone
Or wonder why I keep you on the phone

I've made it obvious
Done everything but sing it
(I've crushed on you so long but on and on you get me wrong)
I'm not so good with words
And since you never notice
The way that we belong
I'll say it in a love song

You are my very first thought in the morning
And my last at nightfall
You are the love that came without warning
I need you, I want you to know

I've made it obvious
So finally I'll sing it
(I've crushed on you so long)
I'm not so good with words
And since you never notice
The way that we belong
I'll say it in a love song

And sing it until the day you're holding me
I've wanted you so long but on and on you get me wrong
I more than adore you but since you never seem to see
But you never seem to see
I'll say it in this love song

Awesome, right? I feel nostalgic too as if I’m suddenly transported back in time to the year of my middle school where I used to listen this in my room over and over again before school.

Great, now I’m going to listen to it again…

tee-hee. =)

— E.E. Cummings

“I carry your heart with me (I carry it in my heart)
I am never without it (anywhere I go you go, my dear;
and whatever is done by only me is your doing, my darling)

I fear no fate (for you are my fate, my sweet)
I want no world (for beautiful you are my world, my true)
and it’s you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

Here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;
which grows higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that’s keeping the stars apart

I carry your heart (I carry it in my heart)”

Dear my 20-years old self,

Hi, it’s me. Hopefully a more mature version of yourself since I’m currently writing this in the office, where I actually work and gain a stable income every month (bring the bacon home, as the cool kids say it.) I bet you have no idea what you’re going to do when you grow up from where you’re standing right now, do you?

Well, let me just say that although I may not exactly an award-winning, best-selling author like you dream you were going to be at 24 yet, I’m still doing pretty alright, I guess. But okay, that’s a discussion for another time, okay?

I guess the purpose of me writing to you right now, is just to tell you, that it’s okay being young. It’s okay having fun and going out with your friends because hey, this is the time to do so. But, be careful. Although you may not think so right now, not everyone you meet is going to take care of you and treat you right. Especially the people you meet on your nights out, however cute they may be.

Be wary and suspicious of people; it’s okay. It doesn’t mean that you are incapable of trusting, it just means that you can select who to trust wisely. That way, you won’t get hurt. And believe me, not everyone is worthy of your trust.

There would be times when you think you have everything in the world to be happy because you have great friends and great parties every week. You’d feel superficially happy because you have different dates every week and random hookups on ladies night. But trust me; there would be times when you feel tired of it all because at the end of the day, these people don’t matter. Confide in your friends, they are the ones that are still going to be there no matter what, so don’t ever take them for granted or choose some insignificant guys over their company.

Having said that, have fun but be smart about it. It’s not attractive getting drunk at 8pm and I know you’ve been through that. (Oops, or haven’t you? Oh spoiler! Watch out, you better be ready for it! SUBA! Ladies night! Free flow of Cosmopolitan! Those little buggers are dangerous!)

I know how you feel sometimes. You see your friends who are happy in their relationships, and you think if you are ever going to get that too. I know how scared you are at commitment. But hey, don’t worry about that yeah? You are young. There are plenty of time for commitments and relationships, and take it from me (and I’m your future self, so you better believe me), you will have that someone who makes you naturally and effortlessly happy, and it’s going to be wonderful because he is awesome and you have the rest of your time to be committed. So really, at 20, you shouldn’t be worrying over this at all. Sadly, you will have to go ‘kiss some frogs’ before you get to this wonderful boy, but it’s okay, it’ll be worth it.

Besides, what you have to go through makes me who I am today, right? And at the risk of sounding a lil' boastful, I think I’m turning out to be pretty darn alright.

Poem of the Day

Living at the spout
Dreaming to tip
Pour over a soul
Flow through a drip
I only wish to keep away the rain
Live to be cherised
At bay, insane
Beneath the bloom I will see
Whether it ends with you and me

- From 'Looking for Alaska'

I wanted so badly to lie down next to her on the couch, to wrap my arms around her and sleep. Not fuck, like in those movies. Not even have sex. Just sleep together, in the most innocent sense of the phrase. But I lacked the courage and she had a boyfriend and I was gawky and she was gorgeous and I was hopelessly boring and she was endlessly fascinating. So I walked back to my room and collapsed on the bottom bunk, thinking that if people were rain, I was drizzle and she was a hurricane.

Quote of The Day

You build up all these defenses. You build up a whole armor, for years, so nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life… You give them a piece of you. They didn’t ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn’t your own anymore. Love takes hostages.

- Neil Gaiman, The Sandman

Be Thankful

Be thankful that you don’t already have everything you desire,
If you did, what would there be to look forward to?
Be thankful when you don’t know something
For it gives you the opportunity to learn.
Be thankful for the difficult times.
During those times you grow.
Be thankful for your limitations
Because they give you opportunities for improvement.
Be thankful for each new challenge
Because it will build your strength and character.
Be thankful for your mistakes
They will teach you valuable lessons.
Be thankful when you’re tired and weary
Because it means you’ve made a difference.
It is easy to be thankful for the good things.
A life of rich fulfillment comes to those who are
also thankful for the setbacks.
GRATITUDE can turn a negative into a positive.
Find a way to be thankful for your troubles
and they can become your blessings.

- Author Unknown

Herelies the problem..

Today I finished up a long-overdue proposal (mostly because I’ve been kinda slacking, but pstt, this is just between you and me), and as I drew a relieved sigh, I glanced at the bottom of the page and almost exclaimed unattractively. Holy cow! 17 pages! Seventeen frikkin pages! My words in all their glory..all 17 pages worth of ‘em, in fact.

And yet, I have abandoned this space for a lot longer than I should. And I thought writing leisurely has always been therapeutical! No wonder I’m so stressed with work lately. I just don’t channel the stress the right way.

(Well, I’ve been spending a lot of time with dearie and that should be a stress-free method too, right? Although, every time we do, we stay out late, which results in me not getting enough sleep and probably being even more tired and stressed out the following morning. Oh shit.)

Well anyway. It wasn’t until earlier when my friend said that she hasn’t been visiting my blog recently and I was like, “Err. You’re probably not missing out much since I hardly update it.”

But then as soon as I said it, I felt really, really sad.

No kidding! This really did make me feel sad. There was a point of time I could write my blog every day with anything and everything, and now I can’t even muster a single post because:

I don’t know what to write

I don’t have the time to write

I’m always feeling uninspired

And somehow these three reasons don’t make me feel better at all.

As if it’s not bad enough that I’m losing the motivation to write, I seem to lose my otherwise brilliant, witty writing personality as well. Without it, what else do I have?

I better tell my boyfriend right away. He should know what he’s getting himself into. I’m no longer the bright and creative soul he once knew and loved.

It’s sad that I could churn up 17 pages worth of words (albeit, probably not very interesting), but I couldn’t even do a single post.

Ladies and gentlemen, what has this world become?

Hm. See? Even now I’m struggling to find something interesting to say. Do I talk about the recent awesome weekend I had with dearie when we went to watch Lion King the Musical and Harry Potter on IMAX? About how emotional I was during the scene when Harry realized he had to die, until I could feel tears forming in my eyes, and then feel slightly embarrassed about it, because. Oh well, you just don’t cry from seeing Harry Potter. You just don’t. I’m already a sissy as it is.

Ah yes. I guess I could talk about that. Or maybe I could touch a bit about how last week during work I had to sing a song in front of everyone..alone? Imagine the horror. And about how after that ‘incident’, my colleague made a poster that read “Christina, we believe! The next Singapore Idol!” and pasted it on the wall. He’s forgetting that I’m not even a Singaporean but of course no one really gave a rat’s ass about it.

What about the weekend before that when we went to Universal Studio and had a great evening reminiscing being a kid, taking rollercoasters and screaming on the top of our lungs like there was no tomorrow? (oh wait. That was just me. See, I told ya I’m a sissy.)

Or maaaaybe. I could write about my Italy adventure?

THERE! It’s not like I have nothing to write. Now I recognize the core of the problem.

I’m just a lazy ass.

Hurray!

Now I can go back to thinking that deep down I’m still very much witty, adorable, smart and all those traits are just waiting to burst out in the open again real, real soon! Yay! Now my boyfriend will love me again!

Grey

You pull beauty towards you--like new moths to a flame
And as I'm drawn before you, I believe I am the same
I'm lovely, melancholic art, a picture in your frame
I've never been so beautiful as when you say my name.

You see the world in fractured light, the colours you downplay
The darkened blacks, the lightened whites, the words you never say
I'll make your lips move through the night, but you will never pray
Let's go somewhere with colour--love, you must escape the grey.

You still command the sunrise--because you paint the stars
The world, it strings your canvas and your heartbreaks are your scars
Wake up--paint the truth for once, it isn't very far
You say that you're not worth the fight, but I know who you are.

You're everything I'll ever breathe, the oceans and the sea
Can't run their waters low enough to find a love this deep
And I'll wade through the darkest depths if it will make you see
You're beautiful, you're worth this, love, you're all there is for me.

- Shawna Howson

Just beautiful. <3

The best thing.

One of the best things in life is finding someone who knows all your mistakes and weaknesses and still thinks you're completely amazing.

Change

“Just because everything is different doesn't mean anything has changed.“

I’m scared of change. I’d like everything to remain the same, because only then would I feel totally in control. I don’t like guessing and anticipating what’s gonna happen next, especially when I’m happy with what I have right now.

But that’s not exactly possible, is it? Without change, how can we grow for growth is the only evidence that we’re still living? We have to change, whether we want to or not.

And the key is to stop thinking that change is a bad thing. I read this quote somewhere:

“There is a certain relief in change, even though it be from bad to worse! As I have often found in travelling in a stagecoach, that it is often a comfort to shift one's position, and be bruised in a new place.”

I know it’s easier said than done, and trust me, I’m still learning too. I’m still freaking out over changes too. Sometimes I would find myself getting all paranoid or coming up with fake scenarios in my head although they have no base at all.

But if you’re in a bad situation, don’t worry it’ll change. If you’re in a good situation, don’t worry it’ll change too.

I guess that’s the lesson for today, my dear students.

higher self, lower self, mask

Regarding an ex-girlfriend.
- credit to David Sutcliffe

The most common story I tell myself is that she’s to blame. If she weren’t so fucked up, so afraid of commitment, so entwined with her mother, so out of touch with her anger, so frigid, so narcissistic, and so unable to get past her own shit—we could work it out. The problem with women is women. They’re crazy. They can’t be trusted. And because they can never really see me, they can never love me. This is my MASK.

I want to punish her for not meeting my expectation of how I want to be loved. I want her to suffer; to feel regret about not doing enough to keep me. I relish the “How to Keep a Man” articles on Yahoo that confirm she did everything wrong. I take pleasure in the fact that I know (or think I know) she’s alone, confused and suffering. It’s what she deserves. It’s what she had coming to her. And I will not forgive her. I will not let it go. This is my LOWER SELF.

Underneath there is deep disappointment and pain, a longing to love and be loved and an understanding that she is human; that she is doing her best; that her intention is true; that she wants the same thing I want and is afraid the same way I am. I know that she is good. This is my HIGHER SELF.

Creativity needs time.

Back!

I'm back from Italy!

Got truckloads of photos and even more countless amazing memories =) Will blog about it soonish... when I have the time, promise!