Yeah, we rock this way.

Snippets of discussion after seeing "Inception".

Sis I: "I wonder..is the word 'inception' ever used in real life? What's the verb of 'inception'? To inceive? Usually we use the verb "to conceive"; they have the same meaning."

Me: "Because the movie wouldn't be so cool anymore if it's called "Conception", would it? People would think it's some kind of chick flick about a pregnant woman or something.."

Sis II: "Yeah! And the producers would make the sequel for the movie, called "Contraction."

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.

Broken

And then I felt sad because I realized that once people are broken in certain ways, they can’t ever be fixed, and this is something nobody ever tells you when you are young and it never fails to surprise you as you grow older as you see the people in your life break one by one. You wonder when your turn is going to be, or if it’s already happened.

From somewhere within.

I don't think I will ever understand you but I suppose that's for the best. Maybe I wouldn't feel this way if I can read you like a book. I always like being in control, especially when it comes to my feelings, but right now you're making me wonder. I'm drawing a blank.

There were times when I was sure I wasn't imagining things and that it would be impossible for you not to see it too. And then you turned around and undoed everything.

Everytime we got closer, it was almost like I just met you for the first time and we had to build our relationship all over again.

I wonder if this is just a wall that you try to build to keep people away, but then let me ask you this. Why do you want to keep people away? To be independent?

Loneliness is underrated. There is nothing more hurtful than feeling completely alone.

Even though we all strive to be an independent being, who doesn't want to be loved?

It's alright though for now. I don't mind doing it again and again if that's what you want. I guess there are moments when I feel like it's worth it. You're worth it.

I like me when I'm with you. You remind me how important friendship is. Friendship is the foundation of a relationship, and not the other way around. You remind me how fun it is talking and spending time with friends without worrying about any ulterior motives.

I like my dorky, lame self when I'm with you, because you tell it to my face that I'm being lame. Sometimes at the most unexpected moments, you would look at me and say something sweet that would leave me grinning for days.

But you should know that I value you as a friend more than anything. So nothing's gonna happen, I promise. The next move is yours.

To Summer.

I love how she makes me feel, like anything's possible, or like life is worth it. - Tom.

I can't speak Chinese, now move on.

I have learnt to accept that I'm not gifted when it comes to being Chinese. I wasn't raised in a particularly Chinese culture, and the only Chinese thing I have ever done is probably asking for ang pao during Chinese New Year. But I doubt that counts for much.

The thing is, I'm not in touch with my Chinese heritage, so what? Big deal. I wish people would stop making a fuss about it and just accept the fact that not ALL Chinese-looking people know what yung sheng is, or what Seven Lunar Month represents.

(Honestly, I still have no idea.)

As if I'm not bombarded with a high dose of Chineseness on a daily basis, (if it were a drug, I would have been overdosed) today is a day that one particular Chinese person decided to get on my nerve during lunch.

See, let me give you a little background. My default look these days consist on a clueless, blank, confused and helpless look. It just rotates between these four, so take a pick. Sometimes I don't have any idea what is happening around me or what's being discussed until I have to ask for a translation. Well, to be fair, normally I don't really mind this, because that means that the things they discuss don't really concern me, thus, I don't need to know. And with the amount of work I have these days, well, let's just say that it's a good thing.

Seriously. Sometimes I would fear having clients or office people call me on my mobile because that means something is wrong and in need for my attention. These days I would probably jump in shock or have an extreme anxiety attack everytime my phone rings!

So I'm taking it like a man; being the odd one out.

If I don't even mind being one, then why wouldn't some people just let it rest? Alright, so back to my story. This afternoon during lunch I went down with a colleague of mine. We grabbed a packet of lunch and as I was about to sit, a Chinese person approached and started talking in gibberi..ops, I mean, Chinese.

I looked at him blankly, with the hope that he would be smart enough to read my expression. But of course this would be asking too much. He continued babbling and I let him finish his long sentence before I finally said, "I don't speak Chinese."

He looked at me in amusement and I decided to ignore him, hoping for a peaceful, undisturbed lunch. Apparently this was too much to ask again, because not long after, he approached me again and said, "Oh, oh, where you from? Malaysia? Philippines? Myanmar?"

Can't he see that I was having my lunch? And I had been asked this hundreth of times before that it was really starting to get old.

I gave him a 'shut up' look but he continued mentioning some other country names. So I said, "Indonesia", and went back to face my food although I had lost my appetite. "Oh! Indonesia!" he exclaimed as if I just told him I won a Nobel Prize.

Double sigh. Seriously, he then still had the nerves to ask me why an Indonesian couldn't speak Chinese, and why I looked Chinese in the first place, you know, yada yidi yada, I could already memorize the script by heart.

First, ask where I'm from, then which part of Indonesia, then how come I can't speak Chinese. Man.

You think I failed to see myself in the mirror every morning and realized that yes, I do have slanted eyes, that yes, I am Chinese? I know I am one, but that doesn't automatically mean I can speak the language, and even if it does just by basic assumption, why is it such a big deal when you finally find out that I can't?

At this point, I completely stopped eating, and after less than 15 minutes downstairs, I asked my colleague to just go back upstairs.

In retrospect, I should've just answered "Zimbabwe" or something, when he asked me where I was from. Then maybe he would shut up.

Upstairs, my colleague and I were still talking and she told me a story of what happened a few weeks back. Our office has a unisex restroom which means it is shared by both the men and ladies. Normally, we have to wear our slippers into the bathroom so we would know if someone is inside by the missing pair of slippers outside. This signals that we ought to wait until the person is out, and then we'll get out turn.

Simple enough, right?

See a pair of missing slippers. Means someone is inside. Means, wait and don't come in!

One time, my colleague was inside. You know, being ladies, sometimes we don't just go to the restroom to pee. Sometimes after doing our business, we spend some time examining our face in the mirror, look for any signs of aging (or acne), or silly things like that. But that's our thing, alright? And we should be spared another minute of privacy.

And then suddenly the door barked open and a Chinese guy came in, even though he should have seen that someone was inside. He saw my colleague standing in front of the mirror and asked the dumbest question, "What are you doing?"

At this point as she was telling the story, my colleague yelled in frustration, and she told me that she was this close to actually tell the male colleague to go and f*** himself!

Of course this has nothing to do with him being Chinese, but he happens to be one. And sorry, we can't help it.

Thank You.

Life is partly what we make it, and partly what is made by the friends whom we choose.

The Plan.

Here goes.

2011's New Year's Resolutions:

I will work just as hard this year and the only way to go is up.

I will learn to say 'no'. I read a self-improvement article that when you say 'yes' to other people, at times you are saying 'no' to yourself.

I will remember that happiness is a choice. How you spend a day and how you choose to live your life is in your control.

I will surround myself with friends, and put them as a better priority in my life.

I will go to Hong Kong just like I've been wanting to.

I will visit Europe and immerse myself in an entirely different culture.

I will buckle up and get in shape, and run a marathon.

I will not stop writing.

I will start "A Year in Pictures" project and complete it by the end of the year.

I will continue to weigh 50 kgs and not a pound more.

I will try eating at one of Gordon Ramsay's restaurant because I've been a fan.

I will be creative and learn a new skill. It can be an art class, or maybe I'll learn sailing or driving a powerboat.

And I will continue being me and feeling comfortable in my own skin. I will stop worrying so much about what other people think, and just do things that make me happy. I will have fun and be open to opportunities, possibilities, and chances.

I will not make unrealistic new year's resolutions so these are all. :)

Happy new year, everyone, and I hope 2011 will be kind. ♥

Street Poet

Daydream delusion, limousine eyelash / Oh baby with your pretty face / Drop a tear in my wineglass / Look at those big eyes / See what you mean to me /

Sweet-cakes and milkshakes / I'm a delusion angel / I'm a fantasy parade / I want you to know what I think / Don't want you to guess anymore / You have no idea where I came from / We have no idea where we're going /

Lodged in life / Like branches in a river/ Flowing downstream / Caught in the current / I carry you / You'll carry me / That's how it could be / Don't you know me? / Don't you know me by now?

In a Nutshell.

2010 countdown with Lala, Hong, Arnold, Chandra, Ruz, and Stef.

Catch-up party session at Attica with Stef, Hong and new friends.

Batam Trip.

Saw Oline, my dearest oldest friend from elementary school.

BBQ at Sis’ MIT friends.

I patted a dog.

East Coast cycling and Lil’ Sis learning how to ride a bike.

Spicy buffalo wings at Buckaroo Grill. We made it to Level Six.

I was asked my ID upon ordering beer. Was shamefully mistaken for 16-years old.

Singapore Airshow 2010.

Steamboat with Fullhouse colleagues.

I Love Children event at Tampines.

Wedding fair at Suntec.

Timbre dinner and drinks with Wazzy.

Steamboat at Miu’s.

Catch-up and chill out at Timbre with Nicky and friends.

TGIF with colleagues at Cafe Iguana.

Spent $50 on a cab ride home.

Dyed my hair light brown.

Cous got a new guitar.

San Francisco skyline poster from Todd.

BBQ at Sophia’s.

YOG fever hit Singapore.

Bintan getaway trip.

Beerfest Asia 2010.

Cous’ birthday dinner at Kiseki.

Reunion dinner with colleagues at Imperial Kitchen.

Saturday karaoke with colleagues.

Karaoke with Elsa, Hong, and Albert.

Attica with the crew.

New job interview.

Farewell lunch with colleagues.

New job.

Took up freelance writing work.

Karaoke after work with new colleagues.

Neo Garden’s celebration dinner.

Afterparty at Powerhouse with colleagues.

World Cup fever.

Orange Clove Wedding Workshop.

Shopping Saturday with colleagues.

Le Baroque and Attica with Rachel.

BBQ at office.

Zouk with colleagues.

Wrote book review for a magazine.

Birthday party at Sentosa Cove.

Long weekend with Todd in town.

Marina Bay Sands and Inception with Todd.

Jane’s birthday.

Australia’s International School Dinner and Dance at RSW.

Brewerkz and Attica with Jerine and Rachel.

Met Mike.

Another ladies night at Le Baroque.

Wrote freelance article on National Leaders.

Pulau Ubin cycling trip.

Singles’ Party invitees at Chijmes with colleagues.

Took over Neo Yacht sales.

Mad rush to Food is Life Magazine.

Photoshoot at The Centris.

Ko Wendy’s wedding.

Evening yacht ride.

Wrote freelance article on Geeks Who Make Money.

Movie and Le Baroque with Wazzy and Steffy.

Eileen’s wedding dinner at Grand Copthorne.

French night out with Sam.

Phuket trip with Jerine and Rachel.

Elsa’s in town.

Meet up with ex-colleagues at Penny Black Bar.

Halloween. Being Kat Von D for a night.

Karaoke and catch-up with Stef, Ruz and Sean.

Long overdue catch up with Sophia at Dempsey.

Breakfast buffet at East Coast.

Marketing team dinner at Timbre.

Haute Claire’s first bazaar at Changi Airport.

Christmas Eve at 1-Altitude.

New Year’s Eve with the same people from last year’s countdown.

And here we go again.

2011, what have you got in store for me?

2011, here we go!

Happy New Year, lovers!

I'm on my way to Starbucks at Holland Village to do my freelance work, but I'll write something tonight. :)

Wish me luck!

Changes.

When I was four, he used to beat me up with belt and duster whenever I behaved badly.
When I was five, he poured milk all over my head because I didn't want to drink a well-prepared glass of milk.
When I was six, he locked me up in the bathroom to teach me a lesson to not be disobedient again.
Somewhere along the line, he stopped punishing me for my mistakes.
Maybe I simply grew up and finally got my act together.
But a part of me believed he has become softer as he aged.

During my junior high, I always turned to him whenever I wanted something so badly.
During senior year, he was unable to say 'no' even though what I wanted was simply trivial and materialistic things.
When I turned seventeen, he asked me what I wanted and how I wanted to celebrate my birthday.
Somewhere along the line, he became my biggest supporter and fan, and someone who would always take care of my problems.

Over the years, he became my only parent and it changed everything.
I'd like to think that after everything that's happened, it only brought us closer together.
Because now, he is just as hurt and broken as I am.
Yet, he continues being a strong figure for our sake.
He's not perfect, but he tries.

I know it is still far from the truth,
But I hope that to you, I have become someone that you could be proud of too.
I hope you could see how much I have changed and trust me for my judgment.
Although, there is so much more that I haven't seen and so much more I have to learn.

~ Celine, "Before Sunrise"

I always feel this pressure of being a strong and independent icon of womanhood, and without making it look like my whole life is revolving around some guy. But loving someone, and being loved means so much to me. We always make fun of it and stuff. But isn't everything we do in life a way to be loved a little more?

Happy birthday, me. ;)

I’m terribly bad at this recently. But here we are again; another year has passed in Tina’s life cycle. (That’s me, by the way.)

For the umpteenth time, let me just say that I’m never big on birthdays. I haven’t been excited about birthdays since I discovered that Santa is not real, and that Seifer Almasy is just a fictional character I can’t meet and marry. Life’s tough. My point is, I gladly let every year pass without much of a fuss if it’s up to me. But people expect you to clink a glass of champagne or two and make a toast. Well, this is slightly a metaphor.

Today at work my colleague kept asking me what my plan is for tomorrow. I sort of just stared at her blankly and said, “um, nothing.” She looked so shocked as if she just saw a UFO flying in the air. Tomorrow, in fact, is my birthday and yet, I will wake up and do the same routine that I have been doing in the past year.

Ah, maybe I’m gonna throw in extra earring but that purely depends whether I will get ready in time or if I’ll be rushing from home without checking myself in the mirror. Either way, nothing will change.

The one thing that I’ll be concerned about is whether I will have wrinkles the next time I look in the mirror. After all, I’ll be 24 in less than 2 hours! Fuck! (Did I just curse? Sorry! That was very unlady-like of me.)

It has become a habit though, to write my thoughts each year in this blog, so I’m not gonna break the tradition this time around, even though I’m not exactly celebrating the occasion. My perfect birthday will be, if I’m home, surrounded by my family and closest friends, and there’s that. I’m happy.

However, my mom is no longer around and my dad is not coming here until the 25th. My best friend is away on a vacation overseas, and some of my really good friends are not even in Singapore anymore. I know I still have my sisters here and thank goodness for that. Otherwise, I’m seriously going to just stay in tomorrow, fake sick, and sulk in misery.

For the past year being 23 though, I can proudly say that I’ve been good. (So Santa, I deserve a present.) My whole life has been filled with work, responsibility and things I have not fully appreciated yet until now. I love being able to work and earn my own money, and getting to spend it to make myself happy, to treat my sisters, to plan for things I want to do. Throughout school days, I kept spending, and now I’m gaining it all back.

My focus has been in work, and I don’t know what it will be in the next year. I hope it will be more on myself.

So I guess if I really have to celebrate my birthday, or to say something as a toast for this occasion, is for my 24-years old self to be able to maintain a balance. Take better care of myself, have better judgment, and learn that sometimes, saying no is a good thing.

Happy 24th, yourself. ;)

Things I learn this week.

That I’m a person inspired by kindness. Your best friend being nice to you is one thing, but a random stranger surprising you with an act of kindness is quite another. I want to be a better person so I can make another random person feel the same way.
It is action, not words, that matters.

Just as it is easy for me to feel empathetic and genuinely appreciative of others, it goes the same quite the opposite way. I don’t have the patience for rudeness and ungratefulness.

I’m not a multitasker, although that probably does not come as a surprise.

I reach a point where things get to me and then I just freak out.

Making a list is really important for me. Without it, I’m like a scattered mess. I need to know what I’m doing and what I’m about to do. I need to think one thing at a time. Although that is easily forgotten; so most of the time I have to stop myself from freaking out to sort myself out.