Home.

I was driving down unfamiliar roads trying to find a place called home. I stuck my arms out the window to try to become a part of the wind to see if I could blow away. I watched my reflection in the mirror as my hair danced and my skin shivered. I watched as I tried to make myself comfortable in a city that holds my belongings. You always said, “Who says where your belongings are is where you belong?” Maybe one day I’ll end up somewhere where I’ll feel like I belong and you won’t be too far behind.

For you I wish.

I hope you will have a wonderful year, that you'll dream dangerously and outrageously, that you'll make something that didn't exist before you made it, that you will be loved and that you will be liked, and that you will have people to love and to like in return. And, most importantly (because I think there should be more kindness and more wisdom in the world right now), that you will, when you need to be, be wise, and that you will always be kind.

Choice.

I guess we are who we are for a lot of reasons. And maybe we'll never know most of them. But even if we don't have the power to choose where we come from, we can still choose where we go from there.

Nonsensical rant

I came across this blog post when I was browsing through the internet. The author wrote a response to another blogger who made a list about why being single rules. This was what she said:

Single: You can have sex with whoever you want, whenever you want.
Coupled: You have the best, most intimate, sex ever with one special person.

Single: You have the time to enjoy all the activities you want to do.
Coupled: You enjoy all the activities you want to do with someone else.

Single: You are free to hang out with your friends.
Coupled: You get to hang out with your best friend all the time

Does that mean that single people can’t lead a fruitful, wholesome, fulfilling life? Well, not really. Some of my happiest memories occurred when I was single.

I think what she meant with that list is that it’s important to be able to feel happy on our own. That our happiness won’t depend entirely on someone else. That’s the first thing.

You know, positive, comparative, superlative?

Being with someone whom we love, and if we’re really fortunate, decides to love us back? That just makes things better. It doesn’t mean that things weren’t good to begin with, but it is a different kind of happiness altogether.

I feel like I can really appreciate having dearie in my life now because I'm used to being on my own. Now he is the first person I think about whenever something funny happens at work, whenever I see something good on TV, whenever I just feel like ranting and whining.

It’s an amazing feeling being able to give a little of yourself to someone else. To want to make someone else happy. That our own happiness is not just what matters. That we’re thinking for two now instead of one. It is humbling, yet at the same time, so full of joy and happiness beyond description.

I’ve always made a mistake for being so negative before when it comes to relationships. I always have that thought in the back of mind that it wouldn’t last. That somehow I would get bored or he would screw it up, or I would screw it up or any 101 other possible scenarios.

I feel really positive now though. I allow myself to hope, to see that maybe this one would be different, that it would last.

You know what? I’m not going to jinx it by being overly dreamy about it (even though I can’t help it because things are going so perfect), but I guess I just want to say this one thing.

If (and this is a big IF that I hope won’t ever happen) somehow things don’t work out with me and dearie in the end, there won’t come a time that I regret having him in my life right now. Whatever happens, there's no way.

Good.

Please believe that things are good with me, and even when they're not, they will be soon enough. And I will always believe the same about you.

Happy 3rd. =)

I’m just saying thank you. You reminded me of what I’m capable of feeling. It’s like I was walking around seeing my life through a smudged window, and then I saw you and the smudges were gone. The window was clean.

Feel-good Saturday

Forever isn't long at all when I'm with you.

Saturday, Obvious.

Wow, office is so quiet today. Some of my colleagues are helping out with the buffet downstairs, packing stuffs I think. I, on the other hand, have some emails to clear (and blog to write, but that’s just between you and me), so I managed to escape and withdraw myself from the hectic crowds to my peaceful, quiet desk. All I can hear is the soft music from the radio my colleague is playing at the other end, and the comforting clicking sound of keyboards. Personally, I love it. (referring to the sound of keyboard)

Once again I’m going to count my blessings for yet another wonderful day we have here! Awesome weekend is waiting ahead… in 1.5 hour time!

Anyway, I was re-reading some of my old posts and I came across one which mentioned a song by Westlife, “Obvious”.

Man, that was a good song.
And yes, I’m hopeless for boybands.

I listened to that song religiously when I was in my third year of middle school back in Jakarta. I remember because that was when I started dating my first boyfriend (then.) Anyway, it doesn’t matter now, but what I loved about the song was how much I could relate to it.

Actually, I can sort of still relate to it now.

Before I got together with dearie a couple of months back, I’ve already developed a crush on him for a while somehow and I can’t pinpoint why, aside from the fact that he’s just different. He’s smart and articulate (and this is important, people!) and endearing and unpretentious. Unapologetically sincere.

He was oblivious at that time though, and who could blame him? Apparently when I was around him, my vocabulary immediately shrunk to a pitiful range of words only found in children’s book. Suddenly I blushed, and stammered, and looked away a lot. I wouldn’t like me either.

Alright, not gonna bore with you the details. That’s not the point of this post! Back to the song, people!

Anyway, yeah. Since now you have a bit of a background, listen to the lyrics (or rather, read it) while preferably listen to the song (if you can download it now..)

Ps. Downloading songs is illegal, people! Save our music!

We started as friends
But something happened inside me
Now I'm reading into everything
But there's no sign you hear the lightning, baby

You don't ever notice me turning on my charm
Or wonder why I'm always where you are

I've made it obvious
Done everything but sing it
(I've crushed on you so long, but on and on you get me wrong)
I'm not so good with words
And since you never notice
The way that we belong
I'll say it in a love song

I've heard you talk about
How you want someone just like me
But everytime I ask you out
We never move pass friendly

And you don't ever notice how I stare when we're alone
Or wonder why I keep you on the phone

I've made it obvious
Done everything but sing it
(I've crushed on you so long but on and on you get me wrong)
I'm not so good with words
And since you never notice
The way that we belong
I'll say it in a love song

You are my very first thought in the morning
And my last at nightfall
You are the love that came without warning
I need you, I want you to know

I've made it obvious
So finally I'll sing it
(I've crushed on you so long)
I'm not so good with words
And since you never notice
The way that we belong
I'll say it in a love song

And sing it until the day you're holding me
I've wanted you so long but on and on you get me wrong
I more than adore you but since you never seem to see
But you never seem to see
I'll say it in this love song

Awesome, right? I feel nostalgic too as if I’m suddenly transported back in time to the year of my middle school where I used to listen this in my room over and over again before school.

Great, now I’m going to listen to it again…

tee-hee. =)

— E.E. Cummings

“I carry your heart with me (I carry it in my heart)
I am never without it (anywhere I go you go, my dear;
and whatever is done by only me is your doing, my darling)

I fear no fate (for you are my fate, my sweet)
I want no world (for beautiful you are my world, my true)
and it’s you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

Here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;
which grows higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that’s keeping the stars apart

I carry your heart (I carry it in my heart)”

Dear my 20-years old self,

Hi, it’s me. Hopefully a more mature version of yourself since I’m currently writing this in the office, where I actually work and gain a stable income every month (bring the bacon home, as the cool kids say it.) I bet you have no idea what you’re going to do when you grow up from where you’re standing right now, do you?

Well, let me just say that although I may not exactly an award-winning, best-selling author like you dream you were going to be at 24 yet, I’m still doing pretty alright, I guess. But okay, that’s a discussion for another time, okay?

I guess the purpose of me writing to you right now, is just to tell you, that it’s okay being young. It’s okay having fun and going out with your friends because hey, this is the time to do so. But, be careful. Although you may not think so right now, not everyone you meet is going to take care of you and treat you right. Especially the people you meet on your nights out, however cute they may be.

Be wary and suspicious of people; it’s okay. It doesn’t mean that you are incapable of trusting, it just means that you can select who to trust wisely. That way, you won’t get hurt. And believe me, not everyone is worthy of your trust.

There would be times when you think you have everything in the world to be happy because you have great friends and great parties every week. You’d feel superficially happy because you have different dates every week and random hookups on ladies night. But trust me; there would be times when you feel tired of it all because at the end of the day, these people don’t matter. Confide in your friends, they are the ones that are still going to be there no matter what, so don’t ever take them for granted or choose some insignificant guys over their company.

Having said that, have fun but be smart about it. It’s not attractive getting drunk at 8pm and I know you’ve been through that. (Oops, or haven’t you? Oh spoiler! Watch out, you better be ready for it! SUBA! Ladies night! Free flow of Cosmopolitan! Those little buggers are dangerous!)

I know how you feel sometimes. You see your friends who are happy in their relationships, and you think if you are ever going to get that too. I know how scared you are at commitment. But hey, don’t worry about that yeah? You are young. There are plenty of time for commitments and relationships, and take it from me (and I’m your future self, so you better believe me), you will have that someone who makes you naturally and effortlessly happy, and it’s going to be wonderful because he is awesome and you have the rest of your time to be committed. So really, at 20, you shouldn’t be worrying over this at all. Sadly, you will have to go ‘kiss some frogs’ before you get to this wonderful boy, but it’s okay, it’ll be worth it.

Besides, what you have to go through makes me who I am today, right? And at the risk of sounding a lil' boastful, I think I’m turning out to be pretty darn alright.

Poem of the Day

Living at the spout
Dreaming to tip
Pour over a soul
Flow through a drip
I only wish to keep away the rain
Live to be cherised
At bay, insane
Beneath the bloom I will see
Whether it ends with you and me

- From 'Looking for Alaska'

I wanted so badly to lie down next to her on the couch, to wrap my arms around her and sleep. Not fuck, like in those movies. Not even have sex. Just sleep together, in the most innocent sense of the phrase. But I lacked the courage and she had a boyfriend and I was gawky and she was gorgeous and I was hopelessly boring and she was endlessly fascinating. So I walked back to my room and collapsed on the bottom bunk, thinking that if people were rain, I was drizzle and she was a hurricane.

Quote of The Day

You build up all these defenses. You build up a whole armor, for years, so nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life… You give them a piece of you. They didn’t ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn’t your own anymore. Love takes hostages.

- Neil Gaiman, The Sandman