Welcome!: New year's resolutions...I'll be more specific.

Monday 19 January 2009

New year's resolutions...I'll be more specific.

When I said I needed to get down to writing again, I meant it. Having been absent for a month from actually holding a pen and a piece of paper (I'm being dramatic, actually it was more like keyboard in the laptop, but pen and paper sounds more festive, don't you think?), my charm was deteriorating pretty fast. I always thought I had a wit, but it seems like a shit nowadays instead. Wit, shit, it rhymes, got it?

Man, see what I mean? I even lost my sense of humour, that is, if I even had one in the first place. But that's what I keep telling myself. So don't burst my bubbles.

So looking back to the post that I wrote about the new year resolutions, I was like, “what the fuck?” Not only was it, oh, what was the word, oh, wait, SUCKS! It was too subtle and it didn't express me at all. 'I will not think too much?' Who the hell said that? Go be a statue if you don't wanna think. 'I will find a fulfilling job?' Yeah, doesn't everyone want that? Are any of that junk that I wrote personal at all? 'I will work out more'?! Okay, seriously. At this point I should just kiss-kiss-bang-bang my journalistic passion because I'm an embarrassment!

As if I didn't realize that before, last week this happened when I was talking to my friend Lutz.
Him: “Haha..I'm just reading your new year resolutions..”
Me: “Oh yeah?”
Him: “You know those resolutions are useless if you don't make plans on how to achieve your goals...”
Me: “........”
Him: “Such as I will work out more...”
Me: “Shut up, dude!”
Him: “You have to change your lifestyle in order to make a change!”
Me: “.......”
Him: “Remember you are not Obama!”
Me: “.......”
Him: “It's not easy to make a change!”
Me: “.......”
Him: “CHRISTINOBAMA!!!!!!!!!!!”
Me: "*^#!&^#!#$@#@!!?!”

Do I even know this guy, really?

No, I'm joking! Okay, okay, dude, my resolutions sucks big time, no reason to gloat! (peace out!) So figured I need to revise that, make it more Tina rather than Christinobama, or at least, explain why I need these changes. And I really need to stick to it!

New Year Resolutions...Part Deux!

I will try not to worry and think too much about everything in life. I tend to over-analyze and get paranoid over the small stuffs, so I really need to learn not to sweat over the tiny bit of details, and just enjoy the ride.

But not thinking too much doesn't mean not thinking at all, because I'm whole-heartedly aware that I have made many mistakes in the past due to the fact that I simply did not think before I acted. People have been telling me that I possess absolutely zero sense of danger, and that's how I lost my brain sometimes. (e.g: drink too much beyond my capability, unable to say 'no', receive drinks from strangers, and et-cetera et-cetera) So, I should be more careful and take these things more seriously!

I will not drunk-dial my ex-boyfriend again, well, I guess that one is pretty personal, no explanation needed. Ha! At least I got one point right! Nah, I think I'm ready to let it go.

I will not drink tequila again, simply because there has been too many drunken episodes caused by this little bugger, and it doesn't even taste good! Unlike Jargerbomb, which I'm totally hooked these days! (Although you probably don't need to know that!)

I will not have alcohol offered by a guy before going out, no matter how cute he is. Back in Oklahoma, I went out with this guy, and the context wasn't even a date, because I brought along another friend. He was picking us up at our room and I thought once he arrived, we could just go out straightaway, but he told me he wanted to come in first, so he did, and he pulled out a bottle of whisky from his pocket and we ended up finishing the whole bottle before even heading out! Bad, bad, bad guy! Stupid, stupid, stupid me! Couldn't really blame the guy entirely 'cos I played along. (see what I mean about being stupid and not thinking before acting?)

I will find a fulfilling, permanent job! And the point here is fulfilling because I don't want just any jobs. Granted I may not get exactly my dream job straightaway, 'international correspondent', just because it's way too ambitious, (I'm a dreamer but even dreamer has to go back to reality sometimes) I shall seek and explore any other opportunities. Speaking of job, I have just finished my resume...I think! Clap!

I will be a better friend because friendship means a tad lot to me, and I'm happy I made a lot of new friends last year, but as important is to keep the old ones. And I intend to do just that.

I will spend more time with my family. During the course of the past few years, I just realized (it just hit me), that family sticks together no matter what. In fact, they probably are the only ones who won't ever leave. Well, I hope it's not only because of obligation. I have great family, everytime I come back home, I'm constantly reminded of that simple but most of times, taken-for-granted fact. For the resolution, though, I'm starting something simple; spending time with my sisters. Meli is coming to Singapore for her undergraduate study and I definitely want lots of bonding time...even if it's over a game in playstation, knowing her.

I will not get too drunk and pass out. Oh my god, so many memories come flooding back. No more any of that! No more throwing up and passing out in public. No more waking up and going like 'what the hell happened?' No more dialling up my friends for vivid details of the events leading to my unconscious state. No more being so embarrassed of seeing people who have witnessed more things than they have bargained for in the eyes. A lot more things. Dammit.

I will maintain my weight. 48 kg, no more, no less. Well, it probably could go down a little bit seeing how chubby I am, but definitely not more. This arm, right here, has got to go, though.

I will not have anything to do with the boy from the seventh floor anymore, simply because I don't want anything out from it, so what's the point? Out of impulse these days I always look up and check on his window to see if his lights are on, and that freaks me out; the fact that I appear to be a little on the stalker-side. And everytime I go down on the lift, I'm anxious that I may bump into him, it's just too weird.

I will read more books and watch more movies.

I will buy myself a new phone, and this has really got to happen. My current phone is ancient, ugly, and friends complain that they often can't reach me, that somehow by miraculous reasons they go straight to mail box. It's time to change this thing I call my handphone, baby.

Lastly, I will involve myself in more positive activities, meet more people and not limit my preferences.

People, it's going to be one bumpy ride.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...: You. Are. Not. Chubby. We have full cheeks, what to do?? =s Plus, I honestly think a skinny you wouldn't look good. More than enough people have complimented you for the way you look now, right? ;); 19 January 2009 at 17:19

Quotes

There's a hundred million different ways of writing, and it takes you a long time to sort through that stuff. And I think it takes anyone a long time to find a voice.

You must learn to take the good with the bad, the happy with the sad, love what you’ve got and remember what you had. Learn to forgive, but never forget, learn from your mistakes but never regret. People change and things go wrong, but you just have to remember that life goes on.

The day before I’m supposed to be meeting Caroline for a drink, I develop all the textbook symptoms of a crush: nervous stomach, long periods spent daydreaming, an inability to remember what she looks like. I can bring back the dress and the boots, and I can see her bangs, but her face is a blank.

I don't know, I think that if I could just accept the fact that my life is supposed to be difficult. You know, that's what to be expected, then I might not get so pissed-off about it and I'll just be glad when something nice happens.

I can see now I never really committed to Laura. I always had one foot out the door, and that prevented me from doing a lot of things, like thinking about my future and... I guess it made more sense to commit to nothing, keep my options open. And that's suicide. By tiny, tiny increments.

There's a big fucking world out there. It's messy, and it's chaotic, and it's never, never ever the thing you'd expect. It is ok to be scared, but you cannot allow your fears to turn you into an asshole, not when it comes to the people that love you, the people that need you.

Maybe what I'm saying is, is the world might be evolving the way a person evolves. Right? Like, I mean, me for example. Am I getting worse? Am I improving? I don't know. When I was younger, I was healthier, but I was, uh, whacked with insecurity, you know? Now I'm older and my problems are deeper, but I'm more equipped to handle them.

I am nothing special; just a common man with common thoughts, and I've led a common life. There are no monuments dedicated to me and my name will soon be forgotten. But in one respect I have succeeded as gloriously as anyone who's ever lived: I've loved another with all my heart and soul; and to me, this has always been enough.

Later that day I got to thinking about relationships. There are those that open you up to something new and exotic, those that are old and familiar, those that bring up lots of questions, those that bring you somewhere unexpected, those that bring you far from where you started, and those that bring you back. But the most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you can find someone to love the you you love, well, that's just fabulous.

A woman needs to be held, even, and science has shown this, if its with someone she doesn't care about. Protective hormones are released, and the amount of hormones released depends on the degree to which she is held. The first and best is the complete surround. He wraps you in both arms, whispers how beautiful you are. Second best is the 'arm around.' He is next to you but with one arm around you. Third is he's just next to you on his elbow, but he rests his hand on your stomach and looks at you. Fourth is you snuggling up to him with your head on his chest, while he looks away into space. But when the first best happens, you feel completely, wonderfully like a woman.

So, so what, so fuck off, go home, leave you alone? I'll tell you something Paul, there isn't anything that I've wanted for eighteen years, cause I was a kid eighteen years ago. And if I did still want the same things I'd think I'd gone wrong somewhere, because actually I don't want to marry David Cassidy, I don't want bigger tits, I don't want to do better on my marks. I've stopped worrying about that kind of thing and maybe you should try.

Well maybe there's a big bit of you that's gone missing somewhere, maybe everyone should want something they've always wanted.

Why is it that adults aren't supposed to go mad about anything? You gotta keep a lid on it. And if you don't then people are apparently entitled to say what they like. "You haven't grown up. You're a moron. Your conversation is trivial and boorish. You can't express your emotional needs. You can't relate to your children." And you die, lonely and miserable. But you know, what the hell, every cloud has a silver lining.

I just woke up one morning and didn't feel the same way. Where did it go? It was like there had been a lot of food on a plate in front of us, and we ate it all really quickly, and then there was nothing left. Maybe that's how couples stay together: they're not greedy. They know that what they have in front of them has to last a long time, so they kind of pick at it. I hope it's not like that, though. I hope that when people are happy together, it feels as though someone keeps piling seconds and thirds on their plates.

That is what I have learned: Sex is destructive. Love is nothing to be fooled with. I learned that I was dangerous, not to be trusted. I wondered if my parents were right, with all of their stiff lovelessness. Maybe they knew better. My parents don't dole out love for the deserving or the undeserving. I was learning that love could cost me.

You could say all you liked about reason and logic and common sense and imagination, but when the chips were down, the one skill you needed was the ability to think about absolutely nothing whatsoever.

There is a comfort in never making an effort, but it's a lonely comfort. What keeps you going is the knowledge that you're only playing with only four cards showing. But when you see other people succeeding with their mediocre hands, you have to make a decision. If you turn over that final card you're certain of victory, but it also means you have nothing in reserve.

I’d gone through life believing in the strength and competence of others; never in my own. Now, dazzled, I discovered that my capacities were real. It was like finding a fortune in the lining of an old coat.

Maybe we all live life at too high a pitch, those of us who absorb emotional things all day, and as mere consequence we can never feel merely content: we have to be unhappy, or ecstatically, head-over-heels happy, and those states are difficult to achieve within a stable, solid relationship.