Welcome!: Fear.

Wednesday 5 October 2011

Fear.

I have a problem.

I know I’m not the easiest person in the whole world, but I never thought that I may be the most complicated either. I have a friend who is so laid-back I don’t think he ever gets mad, ever. Of course he does, but it seems like he rarely lets things get to him, and I always ask him how. He just shrugs and looks at me that gets me thinking that maybe that kinda thing comes hereditary.

The thing is. It’s almost as if I have a fighting mechanism against happiness. The moment things start to go well.. I start getting rashes and I would screw everything up. Yet, I crave nothing more than just being happy.

I’m not even talking about the kind of epiphany or dramatic happiness. It doesn’t have to be the kind of joy that makes me want to dance around the house, or makes me feel like I just won the lottery.

It’s the day-to-day happiness that makes you smile as you wake up in the morning, and as you go to bed at night. It doesn’t have to be a looney grin either. Just a content one will do. I want to count my blessings and realize how much I have going on to be grateful.

But instead, I’m focused on the bad and negative things. Of course life isn’t perfect. But why do I let those imperfect things that I can’t control, affect how I feel about everything else I have? Why can’t I pull myself away from these negative, destructive thoughts which do no good than just burying myself even deeper into the big black pitch that is this negativity?

It doesn’t happen all the time, but it comes in waves, sometimes in the least unexpected times, catching me off guard. It’s really affecting me that I start exaggerating the situation, making myself feel even worse without reason.

I don’t know what I’m so afraid of. Why I’m being the way I am. I don’t remember ever feeling like this before. At least, not this intensely that I can feel it creeping at me at nights.

I feel like, I’m valuing something too much that I’m becoming too afraid of it being taken away from me. I’m scared because now I can’t imagine how I’m going to be without it.

But so what? Do I value it too much more than I value myself? To let myself be consumed of these thoughts? Why can’t I just be…happy?

Why is it hard for me to believe that maybe, I have everything I ever wanted? Why is it almost impossible for me to think that maybe this time, things work out? Why do I have to look for troubles and be negative when I can be happy?

Maybe the key is to love myself first and foremost. Maybe I need to put more faith in people. That there are some people out there worth trusting. That there are people who will not hurt you on purpose.

I know this is something I have to deal with on my own. Changing my attitude and releasing myself off negative thoughts. But I feel helpless. I haven’t been much of a religious person in the past four years but now I feel like I need it more than ever. To ask for help and support from something that is beyond my own being. Because I know what I’m feeling will not just affect me, but eventually others too, and it’s the least thing I want to do.

I don’t know when to start. But all I know is that I’m pretty much broken. I’m full of layers and layers of irrational thoughts and I know I have to peel them away yet I’m still figuring out how.

I need help because I’m afraid one day I’m just going to break because I can’t handle it anymore. I need help for the sake of the people around me, and most importantly, for me. Because there should be no one else I’d value more than myself.

No comments:

Quotes

There's a hundred million different ways of writing, and it takes you a long time to sort through that stuff. And I think it takes anyone a long time to find a voice.

You must learn to take the good with the bad, the happy with the sad, love what you’ve got and remember what you had. Learn to forgive, but never forget, learn from your mistakes but never regret. People change and things go wrong, but you just have to remember that life goes on.

The day before I’m supposed to be meeting Caroline for a drink, I develop all the textbook symptoms of a crush: nervous stomach, long periods spent daydreaming, an inability to remember what she looks like. I can bring back the dress and the boots, and I can see her bangs, but her face is a blank.

I don't know, I think that if I could just accept the fact that my life is supposed to be difficult. You know, that's what to be expected, then I might not get so pissed-off about it and I'll just be glad when something nice happens.

I can see now I never really committed to Laura. I always had one foot out the door, and that prevented me from doing a lot of things, like thinking about my future and... I guess it made more sense to commit to nothing, keep my options open. And that's suicide. By tiny, tiny increments.

There's a big fucking world out there. It's messy, and it's chaotic, and it's never, never ever the thing you'd expect. It is ok to be scared, but you cannot allow your fears to turn you into an asshole, not when it comes to the people that love you, the people that need you.

Maybe what I'm saying is, is the world might be evolving the way a person evolves. Right? Like, I mean, me for example. Am I getting worse? Am I improving? I don't know. When I was younger, I was healthier, but I was, uh, whacked with insecurity, you know? Now I'm older and my problems are deeper, but I'm more equipped to handle them.

I am nothing special; just a common man with common thoughts, and I've led a common life. There are no monuments dedicated to me and my name will soon be forgotten. But in one respect I have succeeded as gloriously as anyone who's ever lived: I've loved another with all my heart and soul; and to me, this has always been enough.

Later that day I got to thinking about relationships. There are those that open you up to something new and exotic, those that are old and familiar, those that bring up lots of questions, those that bring you somewhere unexpected, those that bring you far from where you started, and those that bring you back. But the most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you can find someone to love the you you love, well, that's just fabulous.

A woman needs to be held, even, and science has shown this, if its with someone she doesn't care about. Protective hormones are released, and the amount of hormones released depends on the degree to which she is held. The first and best is the complete surround. He wraps you in both arms, whispers how beautiful you are. Second best is the 'arm around.' He is next to you but with one arm around you. Third is he's just next to you on his elbow, but he rests his hand on your stomach and looks at you. Fourth is you snuggling up to him with your head on his chest, while he looks away into space. But when the first best happens, you feel completely, wonderfully like a woman.

So, so what, so fuck off, go home, leave you alone? I'll tell you something Paul, there isn't anything that I've wanted for eighteen years, cause I was a kid eighteen years ago. And if I did still want the same things I'd think I'd gone wrong somewhere, because actually I don't want to marry David Cassidy, I don't want bigger tits, I don't want to do better on my marks. I've stopped worrying about that kind of thing and maybe you should try.

Well maybe there's a big bit of you that's gone missing somewhere, maybe everyone should want something they've always wanted.

Why is it that adults aren't supposed to go mad about anything? You gotta keep a lid on it. And if you don't then people are apparently entitled to say what they like. "You haven't grown up. You're a moron. Your conversation is trivial and boorish. You can't express your emotional needs. You can't relate to your children." And you die, lonely and miserable. But you know, what the hell, every cloud has a silver lining.

I just woke up one morning and didn't feel the same way. Where did it go? It was like there had been a lot of food on a plate in front of us, and we ate it all really quickly, and then there was nothing left. Maybe that's how couples stay together: they're not greedy. They know that what they have in front of them has to last a long time, so they kind of pick at it. I hope it's not like that, though. I hope that when people are happy together, it feels as though someone keeps piling seconds and thirds on their plates.

That is what I have learned: Sex is destructive. Love is nothing to be fooled with. I learned that I was dangerous, not to be trusted. I wondered if my parents were right, with all of their stiff lovelessness. Maybe they knew better. My parents don't dole out love for the deserving or the undeserving. I was learning that love could cost me.

You could say all you liked about reason and logic and common sense and imagination, but when the chips were down, the one skill you needed was the ability to think about absolutely nothing whatsoever.

There is a comfort in never making an effort, but it's a lonely comfort. What keeps you going is the knowledge that you're only playing with only four cards showing. But when you see other people succeeding with their mediocre hands, you have to make a decision. If you turn over that final card you're certain of victory, but it also means you have nothing in reserve.

I’d gone through life believing in the strength and competence of others; never in my own. Now, dazzled, I discovered that my capacities were real. It was like finding a fortune in the lining of an old coat.

Maybe we all live life at too high a pitch, those of us who absorb emotional things all day, and as mere consequence we can never feel merely content: we have to be unhappy, or ecstatically, head-over-heels happy, and those states are difficult to achieve within a stable, solid relationship.