Welcome!: November 2007

Monday, 26 November 2007

Finally, Again.

After what feels like an eternity of silence and complete introvert ness, I finally decided to update my blog, even though doing so from here (read: a place without sufficient internet connection) must be the most inconvenient thing ever, more inconvenient than that one time that I had to sit in my friend’s car’s baggage just because I was the only girl and he was kindly enough to think about my wellbeing because he said, quoted, “I don’t have the heart to let you being squashed in the backseat with these smelly guys like a sardine,” so I had to endure an hour trip to a party squatting down (like in the toilet) with my legs curled up and boy, I had had to win the national champion for the most awkward yoga-istic position ever. Well, anyway, you get the picture of the level of discomfort that I have to endure just to post a single post in the web. I’ve been putting it off for a long time but this morning I suddenly am overwhelmed with the desire to catch up with the rest of the moving world. I feel like I have to, otherwise my current-stagnant life will be declared and finalized because no one in the outside would even know I still exist and they would erase my name from their contact lists and just like that, technically I would be gone from the surface of the socialized-human-being-circles.

Okay, 5 seconds into this and I’m already babbling. Good way to impress the readers.

I’m doing okay here, I guess. I’m a little bit homesick, to be honest, which is funny because this is home and I don’t know since when that I started to consider Singapore my home too. I just realized that apparently I do. But then again, maybe it’s more than just the place. It’s just, I do nothing here and I feel my youth slipping away…No, no, I mean, I feel like I can do a lot of useful things back home. And it’s not like I’m saying that I’m completely useless here, well, I’m here for my dad and my sisters, keep them company and make noise in the house so it can never get too quiet and everything, but what about me? Technically I do nothing here besides going out with family and friends, watching DVDs and far too much MTV and E!, playing playstation, eating out and enjoying the luxury of maids and driver’s service, shopping, attending weddings..Believe me, it gets boring after a while. Sure you get to have fun without worrying about school and jobs but most of the time, you just want your activities back because then you wouldn’t feel like you’re just sitting here and being stuck while everyone else is moving forward. Guess when you’re in the midst of a hectic life, you wish for a calm and tranquil holiday, and when you do have one, all you want is the sound of phone’s reminders and days full of schedules and activities again.

So just to catch up, I spent last weekend staying over at a hotel in a beach. Believe me, it sounded a lot better than it actually was. Firstly, it was freaking hot out there and it has gotten impossible to be able to enjoy yourself without constant worry that you might burst into flame in any second. There was just this boiling and scorching heat that penetrated you straight to the brain, I think my skin’s shade has blackened at least a few strips down. Well, at least I saw the sea. I could say that proudly and let you all think that I ran around in the glamorous beach with a bikini on and drank lychee martini while suntanning and a masseur ready at a fingertip.

Here I also have the chance to attend too many weddings that I wish to care. I just realize that people are getting married all the time! I’m not really complaining as it gives me an excuse to dress up and score free food. And by now I’m certain that not in a million years will I ever hire ballerinas to dance in my wedding, no matter how romantic and exquisite it sounds!

Next month is going to be an exciting time for me! My closest cousin is getting married, I’m going to Bali, and there’s this one huge thing I’m really looking forward to! No, not my turning-21-birthday! Gosh suddenly I feel so old and elderly. No, the thing is, there’s another big thing and I don’t want to say it now but let’s just say that the day will probably be the most exciting and terrifying time ever.

I’m getting fatter too here. Hello?! Have you ever tasted the food here? It’s just awesome, you never ran out of good food around here. I’m constantly conscious of the level of sugar and fat that I have put on my mouth but I just can’t stop it.

I’m even writing here while munching over my favorite snack at the moment – milk bread. A heavenly soft and round bread with a sweet taste that is just pure addictive.

But other than my ballooning body and a slight change of hairstyle, I’m still the same old, same old. Still a camera addict, if you know what I mean.

Just a few pictures and you won't believe how much time I needed just to post these! Internet here is so unbelievable.

Hope to write again soon;) In the mean time, take care!

When sadness was the sea, you were the one that taught me to swim.

Everything's complicated, even those things that seem flat in their bleakness or sadness.

You can never replace anyone because everyone is made up of such beautiful specific details.

I think when you get to the point where you don't need to be in love, then you could be in love. You have to just be OK with yourself-and that's a long process.

Words and hearts should be handled with care.. for words when spoken and hearts when broken are the hardest thing to repair.

It seems to me now that the plain state of being human is dramatic enough for anyone; you don't need to be a heroin addict or a performance poet to experience extremity. You just have to love someone.

It's just that I don't want to be somebody's crush. If somebody likes me, I want them to like the real me, not what they think I am. And I don't want them to carry it around inside. I want them to show me, so I can feel it too.

The best and most beautiful things in life cannot be seen or even touched. They must be felt with the heart.

Quotes

There's a hundred million different ways of writing, and it takes you a long time to sort through that stuff. And I think it takes anyone a long time to find a voice.

You must learn to take the good with the bad, the happy with the sad, love what you’ve got and remember what you had. Learn to forgive, but never forget, learn from your mistakes but never regret. People change and things go wrong, but you just have to remember that life goes on.

The day before I’m supposed to be meeting Caroline for a drink, I develop all the textbook symptoms of a crush: nervous stomach, long periods spent daydreaming, an inability to remember what she looks like. I can bring back the dress and the boots, and I can see her bangs, but her face is a blank.

I don't know, I think that if I could just accept the fact that my life is supposed to be difficult. You know, that's what to be expected, then I might not get so pissed-off about it and I'll just be glad when something nice happens.

I can see now I never really committed to Laura. I always had one foot out the door, and that prevented me from doing a lot of things, like thinking about my future and... I guess it made more sense to commit to nothing, keep my options open. And that's suicide. By tiny, tiny increments.

There's a big fucking world out there. It's messy, and it's chaotic, and it's never, never ever the thing you'd expect. It is ok to be scared, but you cannot allow your fears to turn you into an asshole, not when it comes to the people that love you, the people that need you.

Maybe what I'm saying is, is the world might be evolving the way a person evolves. Right? Like, I mean, me for example. Am I getting worse? Am I improving? I don't know. When I was younger, I was healthier, but I was, uh, whacked with insecurity, you know? Now I'm older and my problems are deeper, but I'm more equipped to handle them.

I am nothing special; just a common man with common thoughts, and I've led a common life. There are no monuments dedicated to me and my name will soon be forgotten. But in one respect I have succeeded as gloriously as anyone who's ever lived: I've loved another with all my heart and soul; and to me, this has always been enough.

Later that day I got to thinking about relationships. There are those that open you up to something new and exotic, those that are old and familiar, those that bring up lots of questions, those that bring you somewhere unexpected, those that bring you far from where you started, and those that bring you back. But the most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you can find someone to love the you you love, well, that's just fabulous.

A woman needs to be held, even, and science has shown this, if its with someone she doesn't care about. Protective hormones are released, and the amount of hormones released depends on the degree to which she is held. The first and best is the complete surround. He wraps you in both arms, whispers how beautiful you are. Second best is the 'arm around.' He is next to you but with one arm around you. Third is he's just next to you on his elbow, but he rests his hand on your stomach and looks at you. Fourth is you snuggling up to him with your head on his chest, while he looks away into space. But when the first best happens, you feel completely, wonderfully like a woman.

So, so what, so fuck off, go home, leave you alone? I'll tell you something Paul, there isn't anything that I've wanted for eighteen years, cause I was a kid eighteen years ago. And if I did still want the same things I'd think I'd gone wrong somewhere, because actually I don't want to marry David Cassidy, I don't want bigger tits, I don't want to do better on my marks. I've stopped worrying about that kind of thing and maybe you should try.

Well maybe there's a big bit of you that's gone missing somewhere, maybe everyone should want something they've always wanted.

Why is it that adults aren't supposed to go mad about anything? You gotta keep a lid on it. And if you don't then people are apparently entitled to say what they like. "You haven't grown up. You're a moron. Your conversation is trivial and boorish. You can't express your emotional needs. You can't relate to your children." And you die, lonely and miserable. But you know, what the hell, every cloud has a silver lining.

I just woke up one morning and didn't feel the same way. Where did it go? It was like there had been a lot of food on a plate in front of us, and we ate it all really quickly, and then there was nothing left. Maybe that's how couples stay together: they're not greedy. They know that what they have in front of them has to last a long time, so they kind of pick at it. I hope it's not like that, though. I hope that when people are happy together, it feels as though someone keeps piling seconds and thirds on their plates.

That is what I have learned: Sex is destructive. Love is nothing to be fooled with. I learned that I was dangerous, not to be trusted. I wondered if my parents were right, with all of their stiff lovelessness. Maybe they knew better. My parents don't dole out love for the deserving or the undeserving. I was learning that love could cost me.

You could say all you liked about reason and logic and common sense and imagination, but when the chips were down, the one skill you needed was the ability to think about absolutely nothing whatsoever.

There is a comfort in never making an effort, but it's a lonely comfort. What keeps you going is the knowledge that you're only playing with only four cards showing. But when you see other people succeeding with their mediocre hands, you have to make a decision. If you turn over that final card you're certain of victory, but it also means you have nothing in reserve.

I’d gone through life believing in the strength and competence of others; never in my own. Now, dazzled, I discovered that my capacities were real. It was like finding a fortune in the lining of an old coat.

Maybe we all live life at too high a pitch, those of us who absorb emotional things all day, and as mere consequence we can never feel merely content: we have to be unhappy, or ecstatically, head-over-heels happy, and those states are difficult to achieve within a stable, solid relationship.