Quote of the Day

I may still not know what I want to be when I grow up, but I do want to live in a house filled with books and travel souvenirs. And the walls that aren’t covered in bookshelves will be covered with photos of my family and friends. When I leave the house I will be going to a job I love and I’ll return to a person I love. So, that’s the dream I’m working on.

Three

So things were so hectic at work today that I didn't have much time to pause and think. It was only at 4pm that my dad talked to me over the messenger and said that today exactly marks three years since the day you've been away.

He said, "I'm sure she is happy now seeing all of you."

That is the only comfort I should believe, right? I probably have said it before, and if I have, then bear with me or don't even bother to continue reading.

For years you have led me the way and I am who I am today because of you, and yet you aren't here. It doesn't seem right. I want you to be here and see that I finally got my act together. That I'm no longer hopeless, or dependent. In my tiny mind, I am making something out of myself, or at least I'm going there.

I want you to see that for the past three years, I have changed. People say that you never know what you have 'til it's gone. I've always been so aware of your influence in my life, the big part you have taken in making me who I am today, and yet only since you were gone that I needed to make a change. I could no longer be the same, irresponsible daughter, and sister.

It's not that I am strong. But I don't have a choice and this whole experience taught me to cherish and not take things for granted. At least when it comes to the people who love you. Your family. That is the most important thing.

What I'm saying is, it's not right that you are not here. You should know that I can make my own way now, that I don't have to be lost on my own anymore. And it's all because of you.

The only thing that I want is for you to be happy, and for you to be proud of me.

I like books. (more than people?)

I miss having a good read. ;)

Quote of the Day

Do it once. Then do it again. The more you write, the more you paint, the more you sing, the more you dance, the more you live, the better you get. It’s that simple.

Favorites.

Don't you just love browsing through celebrity pictures?! Oh well. Maybe that's just me. Ha!

I have to say though, seems like brunettes are the way to go!

Emma Watson.

Zooey Deschanel.

Katie Holmes.

Dianna Agron.

Reese Witherspoon.

Lauren Graham and Alexis Bledel.

Ellen Page.

Jennifer Garner.

Went Cycling

This week is so crazy and full of surprises like you wouldn't believe. In the midst of work and still trying to gain some sanity by going out and having fun, days passed by ever so quickly.

I've managed to finish the layout of my next assignment with Mind+ magazine, though. There's still a lot of work to be done 'til I get the article completed but well, at least it's something and I still have until the end of the month to work on it. See, that's the thing about writing as a 'job'. I don't know. I love writing, but I guess it's different when you start doing it as a work. Sure there's still some pleasure involved, but it's not truly yours anymore. Not your freedom, unless you're one of the lucky ones who get to pick and choose what to write. But so far it's been good for me, I suppose. I'm not complaining! Trying to be positive, remember?

I went through some emotional hurdle this week. It's really, really silly, though. I hate myself for being so emotional. I think I've said it many times before. I think too much. As a result, I worry and get affected too easily. When you have been that way for as long as you remember, how could you change?

Now I'm over it though! I've burnt all those teenage angst during muay thai yesterday! After the short session, I felt like seriously punching (certain) people in the head. Oh no. In all seriousness, it's always fun meeting new people and learning new things.

Today I went to Pulau Ubin with sisters and cousins and my sister-in-law. Ehm. ;) It started out great 'cos we were all excited to cycle and enjoy the nature for a change. Once we started cycling for half an hour, the weather started to shift and before we knew it, rain came pouring in like cats and dogs! Thank goodness we managed to reach the central of the so-called-town and had lunch when it was still drizzling. It stopped sometime during lunch, so we thought, great. Now the weather's perfect and cool to continue our cycle.

So we did. Not long after it started raining again though! Harder and harder as time went on and we were quite drenched and the slopes were steep and lots of times we had to carry the bike and walk. My butt seriously hurt 'cos the seat was too hard! I don't know how we did it, but we somehow managed to finish the trail and go back to return the bikes in one piece! I fell down from my bike once, ouch!

By the time we're done, I was like, "dang, this is a once-in-a-lifetime experience. You know what, never again." Haha! A little British humor there.

Let me share some (unglamorous) pictures from our day in the island. I was scrolling through them and realized I looked overwhelmingly fat! Ugh. Plus we were all sweating and wet and tired and dirty. These are the pictures that won't make it to Facebook. ;p Nah. I'm kidding. Or am I?

Speaking of which, I'm gonna do that later because the pictures need to be resized first. I'll get around to posting them here eventually though.

So. Until next time! ;)

Quickie

So. What have I been up to, you ask?

Well. Work. And work. And work. And work some more. And sleep. And work.

Time passed by like a breeze. Oh, but in between all those working. We've been..eh, sorta playing too.

And playing..

And well, a bit more playing.

And while at it..

And..

Hmm.

I think it's been a healthy balance. Don't you think?

The Gate by Shawna Howson

Before our hair had wisped to gray
You used to turn to me and say
“You are the only one I’ll hold
Till fingers shake, till we grow old.
And even when my hands won’t bend
I’ll stand by you till joints give in
And after that I’ll sing you songs
I’ll hum until my voice is gone.
And when my voice won’t carry tunes
I’ll dream you Heaven’s holy rooms
And if I leave the earth behind
I beg you, keep your eyes in kind.
For my new hands, they wait for yours
My legs are strong, my voice a chorus
And I will sit inside that room
I’ll wait, my love, I’ll wait for you.”
And so I keep my eyes in kind
I count the days till Heaven’s skies
Wherein you dine with God in wait
I’m coming, darling, mind the gate.

Something out there

I am tired. I get emotional when I'm tired, and right now I'm just missing my friends. What I do usually when I'm being melancholic, is seeing pictures of skyline because, I don't know, it gets me all wishful and peaceful.

I can just look up and see the skyline poster that you gave me, and it would make me smile.

So. Maybe I need a little extra happiness tonight.



I think the thing with seeing the skyscraper and the sky and the buildings of another place than here kinda reminds me that there is a big world out there. There's a view we have yet to see. People we have not met, places we have yet ventured.

Is that weird?

Barely Here

I guess this is as good time as any to give you a short update on what I've been doing recently. It can be summarized in one word: work.

Meh. Where has my youth passed? Well, seriously. I know I've had my crazy partying days, but that doesn't mean my time is up and I am no longer allowed a break, does it? Ah I don't know. Maybe I'm just being a whiner like I always am. Work has its ups. Normally this would happen during the start of every month. (read: payday) Ha!

I hardly have time to meet my friends. Thank goodness I have great colleagues whom I can call friends too. But I miss my regular friends. I miss Wazzy whom I haven't seen in forever. I miss Fairuz and Hong and Arnold and Steffy. I miss Manly and Elsa, and the list could go on and on. I really think I need to catch up with them to keep myself sane. If you're reading this, YES! I need to catch up with YOU too! I'm sorry for being a lame-ass.

This month is going to be hectic. We're selling mooncake for the first time, so the management has high expectation. So, come support us if you're interested in trying out our mooncake. (Read: Buy one from me, or else we're no longer friends!) Haha.

(By the end of this post, I will no longer have friends.)

I don't know what else I can write here except for work-stuffs. And as you know, I'm not too comfortable talking about work. So let's change the subject, shall we?

(Awkward silence)

Alright. Seems that I don't have an interesting thing to say. Gosh. I am so freaking out about work. Okay, shut up, woman! I guess I should try being 'creative' another day. This blog is seriously getting super lame and boring. My creative juice has stopped flowing.

Guys, have faith in me, please. ;))

To get away

My travel bug is starting to itch. Real bad!

..Must Come to an End.

You're off the hook. I've never really put much faith in all that "if you love someone, set them free" crap, as evidenced by everything I've done in my life up to this very moment, but I am determined to be happy. Happy in this life. And I love you. I mean, I always-- I have always, always loved you. But our timing has just never been right. And the way I figure it, time is no man's friend. So I have to get right with that and be happy, now. Because this is it. I mean, this is all that we get.

Actually, um, hold on. I'm not done yet. Because I also want for you to be happy. It's really important for me that you be happy. So I want you to be with someone. I want you to be with someone who can be a part of the life that you want for yourself. I want you to be with someone who makes you feel like I feel when I'm with you. So, I guess the point to this long run-on sentence that's been the last 10 years of our lives is just that the simple act of being in love with you is enough for me. So you're off the hook.

You know, for the record, I-- I don't want to be let off the hook. Because everything in my life that I've done has led me here... right now, and the last thing I want, need, or deserve is to be let off somebody's hook.

I love you. You know that. And it's very real. It's so real that it's kept me moving, mostly running from it, never ready for it. I can't be let off the hook because I might just get the notion that it's ok to keep running.

Quote of the Day

I remember being thirteen years old, sitting in my room all night, listening to the same song over and over. I thought that if I could write something beautiful, something honest, I could make someone love me.

From the heart.

Last night I had a dream about my mom. I haven't dreamed about her for a while and it took me by surprise that she appeared in it yesterday.

It felt so real and the whole dream must have lasted for long because, I don't know. It just wasn't something you forgot straight away when you woke up. Now it's all kinda blurry to me but I could have sworn I could narrate it to you vividly this morning.

She looked happy and healthy, as if she has never been anywhere. For some reason we knew she has been away, so I felt really, really happy that she was suddenly back in my life. I think I couldn't stop hugging her. But she didn't remember about what happened. At one point, I even asked her, "Mom, what date is it today?" and she replied, saying it was sometime in May 2008.

"Mom! It's 2010 now already!" I think I remember myself laughing to her response. She looked a little confused, but it didn't really matter. I thought she could stay now, and I was really happy. It was like, the past two or so years have never happened. It was just a bad dream, but now everything is okay.

The moment I woke up, I stayed there lying in bed and I was just overwhelmed by sadness, confusion, longing, all these feelings mixed together. I dragged myself out of bed for work but my mind wasn't in the right place all morning. I don't know what the dream was trying to tell me, but it was simply too cruel.

The dream just reminds me of what I've lost, of something I would never get back.

I really, really miss you, Mom. Will you please be in my dream again tonight?

I was once asked, "If she suddenly appeared before your eyes, wouldn't you be scared?" I don't know. Somehow I don't think I would. Because it's her, and I know she won't hurt me or scare me away.

My friend told me that this is the 7th lunar month period and in Chinese belief, it's said that this would be the time where our relatives who have passed away would visit us because the gate supposedly is open now between our world and their world. I'm not religious, and I'm even more out of touch with my Chinese root, that I previously didn't even know what 7th lunar month was, or what the tradition was during Chinese New Year.

Who knows? I just know I miss you. We all do.