You're not here, but it's ok.

I suppose this can be my goodbye note to you.

I want to thank you for the listening ear, companionship and laughter that we've shared.

It probably doesn't mean much, but those are the lovely memories that I want to keep. Not about how it ends, but about the good parts.

Isn't it funny, that it seems like a lifetime ago when it happened?

Sometimes people drift apart and we wonder, why? What has changed? I am still me, and you are still you, yet everything changed.

"If he really wanted to talk to you, he'd make the effort to do so. Don't waste your time on someone who won't give you theirs."

It's okay though. Let's not hold grudges or dwell on the past. We both are alright. We won't even leave scars.

I wish you all the best and I hope you're happy.

Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles

True, isn't it? Life is really unpredictable. You fall, you stand back on, you learn from your mistakes. The truth is, I believe that what goes around, comes around. And you know what? You may call me naive, but as long as you do something with good intention and sincerity, it doesn't matter what the outcome is.

It doesn't matter whether people will appreciate what you do, or whether they will reject you, make fun of you, betray you. That's already out of our control; that falls on them. But we are responsible for our own action. The only thing we can control is ourselves, so always do things with kind heart and good intention. Hopefully other people will see it too.

In life, sometimes we may be stuck in a place that we do not wish to be in, with people we do not like, in unideal situations, in difficult and complicated circumstances. But we have to deal.

I see a lot of superficiality around me. People who say things they don't mean, those who appear one thing but behave the other way. I always say that words are cheap, because somehow they lost their importance. It's sad, but that's the reality of life.

Does that mean we have to be like them? Don't.

I hope I won't ever be. I wish everyone can be honest and say what they mean. I wish people are kinder, friendlier, more loving and genuine. Imagine how much better this world will be.

Tired.

Hey you,

I'm sorry if I've hurt your feelings. Maybe I could've dealt with this better, but I'm confused. I'm so, very confused. We always talk about honesty, and I expect that from you just as I've always been true to you.

Sometimes I wonder if this is all just a game to you, and if this is, I'm sorry, but I don't want to play. I think I'm not up for games.

There are moments in our friendship that I can look at you, and finally catch a glimpse of the real you. Not the you that everyone else says. Not the you that you portray to everyone else. Somehow I see a different side of you, a more serious and contemplative you. The you that I can relate to, talk to, rely on. These are the times that I think to myself, yeah, I can find myself trusting you and being your friend.

Isn't it very simple? Friendship doesn't have to be complicated.

And yet, something seems to be holding me back. Despite the sincere moments that we have shared together, I'm still very wary. I'm wary because I'm scared to be hurt, again. I'm wary because I've been down this road before, and.. you know me, don't you? I'm not very good in handling broken promises, betrayal, backstabbing, and all these games that people play. I'm too easily affected.

Trust is earned, not given so easily. So I'm asking you to be patient with me. I want to get there, I promise you. But how can I, when your action speaks otherwise sometimes? It's like, we're going one step forward today, but two steps backwards tomorrow. In the end, what are we doing?

I'm still drawing a blank. And when it comes to you, it's still just a question mark.

And I'm tired of guessing.. I'm tired of scrambling around to find the answer.

Fear.

I have a problem.

I know I’m not the easiest person in the whole world, but I never thought that I may be the most complicated either. I have a friend who is so laid-back I don’t think he ever gets mad, ever. Of course he does, but it seems like he rarely lets things get to him, and I always ask him how. He just shrugs and looks at me that gets me thinking that maybe that kinda thing comes hereditary.

The thing is. It’s almost as if I have a fighting mechanism against happiness. The moment things start to go well.. I start getting rashes and I would screw everything up. Yet, I crave nothing more than just being happy.

I’m not even talking about the kind of epiphany or dramatic happiness. It doesn’t have to be the kind of joy that makes me want to dance around the house, or makes me feel like I just won the lottery.

It’s the day-to-day happiness that makes you smile as you wake up in the morning, and as you go to bed at night. It doesn’t have to be a looney grin either. Just a content one will do. I want to count my blessings and realize how much I have going on to be grateful.

But instead, I’m focused on the bad and negative things. Of course life isn’t perfect. But why do I let those imperfect things that I can’t control, affect how I feel about everything else I have? Why can’t I pull myself away from these negative, destructive thoughts which do no good than just burying myself even deeper into the big black pitch that is this negativity?

It doesn’t happen all the time, but it comes in waves, sometimes in the least unexpected times, catching me off guard. It’s really affecting me that I start exaggerating the situation, making myself feel even worse without reason.

I don’t know what I’m so afraid of. Why I’m being the way I am. I don’t remember ever feeling like this before. At least, not this intensely that I can feel it creeping at me at nights.

I feel like, I’m valuing something too much that I’m becoming too afraid of it being taken away from me. I’m scared because now I can’t imagine how I’m going to be without it.

But so what? Do I value it too much more than I value myself? To let myself be consumed of these thoughts? Why can’t I just be…happy?

Why is it hard for me to believe that maybe, I have everything I ever wanted? Why is it almost impossible for me to think that maybe this time, things work out? Why do I have to look for troubles and be negative when I can be happy?

Maybe the key is to love myself first and foremost. Maybe I need to put more faith in people. That there are some people out there worth trusting. That there are people who will not hurt you on purpose.

I know this is something I have to deal with on my own. Changing my attitude and releasing myself off negative thoughts. But I feel helpless. I haven’t been much of a religious person in the past four years but now I feel like I need it more than ever. To ask for help and support from something that is beyond my own being. Because I know what I’m feeling will not just affect me, but eventually others too, and it’s the least thing I want to do.

I don’t know when to start. But all I know is that I’m pretty much broken. I’m full of layers and layers of irrational thoughts and I know I have to peel them away yet I’m still figuring out how.

I need help because I’m afraid one day I’m just going to break because I can’t handle it anymore. I need help for the sake of the people around me, and most importantly, for me. Because there should be no one else I’d value more than myself.

Real.

This is going to be a very mushy post, so please avert your eyes or skip this entirely if you have just taken your lunch. I'm not responsible for any of your digestive problems.

Okay, ready? Well, don't tell me you haven't been warned.

Well, where to begin. I think I may end up blushing and grinning like a fool to myself. Thank goodness noone is paying attention right now.

I've gone through relationships knowing, in one way or the other, that it wasn't going to last. I know it sounds sad or abnormal, but see, that's the thing. I've never been very normal when it comes to relationships.

And for the most part, I'm okay with being on my own, as clichey as it sounds. I could easily find someone to have fun with, and that'd be it. No drama, no fights, no real attachment. But at the end of the day, it means having noone who really cares about you for you too. Not about how fun you are at parties, about how great you look on dates.

You know they liked you for the most superficial reasons. That within a second, they could turn their attention to someone who were more fun, who dressed better, who could offer them more things in return. And as twisted as it was, I used to like that. It was almost..like a challenge. And I didn't have to feel bad moving on and turning my attention to someone else because I knew they'd be okay with it too. That's the whole arrangement.

I hope one of you would relate and be like, "yeah, I used to be like that at one point too, I understand what she means." Because otherwise, I would feel..even more..weird. Alone. Abnormal.

I guess the turning point kinda happened a few months ago. I remembered going on a date with someone but even when we made plans to meet that night, my heart wasn't in it. He was nice and kind and he treated me well, but suddenly I thought to myself, "what are you doing?" Throughout the night, I kept asking myself that and even though we have gone out on a few dates, somehow I knew that it was the last time that I was gonna see him.

Of course to this day he never really knew what happened and why I suddenly stopped replying to his messages. Guess something snapped that night and I realized, I was thinking about someone else and unless it was him who looked at me across the table, it would never go anywhere with anyone else.

That's when I stopped. I stopped all the playing around and started to be okay, to be really okay, being by myself. To stay at home on weekends, to work hard in my job, to focus my energy on being healthier, better version of me.

So, I saw and hung out with my friends more, finding happiness in the simplest things. Took comfort in family and friendship and for a good part, I was really happy and undisturbed with the fact that yeah, I was probably the only single person left among my good friends.

I'm really glad I've taken my time. To hopefully grow up and be the best that I can be. Because who knew, a few months down the road, that someone would not just be sitting across the table; he's next to me and I am the happiest I've ever been.

And for the first time, I don't even have a tinge of hesitation when I said this. Not once throughout the time I started liking you, that I felt that this isn't going to last.

I miss you.

When I was still in school and living back home, every time I was sick, I would just lay down and sleep in my room for hours until I heard my mom coming in. She would turn on the light, and feel my forehead. She would sit by me and ask me how I was feeling, and she would know exactly what to do.

She’s say, “Tin, let’s go to the doctor. Get ready, okay?” and she would accompany me to the doctor even though she just came back from work herself.

I miss those times when I could just be a ‘child’, and have someone take care of me. In any circumstances, my mom always knew what to do. She told me that I shouldn’t take a shower at night when I was having a fever. She knew what to do when I was having pain in my stomach, when there were marks and itches in my skin, when my nose was bleeding, and every other possible scenario. I trust her with all my life.

She never failed to be there for me whenever I needed anything. She was the most selfless person I knew and I really missed her. I miss her every single day, and I really, really miss her when I get sick because it reminds me how it would be if she was still around.

My sister is the next best thing. She’s becoming a mother figure that my little sister and I look up to. She just accompanied me to the doctor and in that simple gesture, she reminded me of our mom, and then I realized that I’m never truly alone.

It’s too late to beg you not to take my mom away from me. But please. Don’t ever, ever take anyone else in my life. They are all I have.

Three

So things were so hectic at work today that I didn't have much time to pause and think. It was only at 4pm that my dad talked to me over the messenger and said that today exactly marks three years since the day you've been away.

He said, "I'm sure she is happy now seeing all of you."

That is the only comfort I should believe, right? I probably have said it before, and if I have, then bear with me or don't even bother to continue reading.

For years you have led me the way and I am who I am today because of you, and yet you aren't here. It doesn't seem right. I want you to be here and see that I finally got my act together. That I'm no longer hopeless, or dependent. In my tiny mind, I am making something out of myself, or at least I'm going there.

I want you to see that for the past three years, I have changed. People say that you never know what you have 'til it's gone. I've always been so aware of your influence in my life, the big part you have taken in making me who I am today, and yet only since you were gone that I needed to make a change. I could no longer be the same, irresponsible daughter, and sister.

It's not that I am strong. But I don't have a choice and this whole experience taught me to cherish and not take things for granted. At least when it comes to the people who love you. Your family. That is the most important thing.

What I'm saying is, it's not right that you are not here. You should know that I can make my own way now, that I don't have to be lost on my own anymore. And it's all because of you.

The only thing that I want is for you to be happy, and for you to be proud of me.

Maybe it's all in my head.

So you think you can just stroll into my life, play me around and expect me to shake your hands in gratitude and be okay? Have you any heart?

I don't understand how you could just treat me like I actually matter to you in one day, and completely change the next day? Don't you see how vulnerable I've made myself when it comes to you?

Maybe you never did say the words, but nothing is always concrete. Read between the lines. If that's the case, then perhaps I simply think too much, and you can blame me for being a fool.

Am I? I suppose I am. After our gives-and-takes, the numerous times I was certain I mustn't be imagining things because you can't possibly be this sweet to everyone, and the way you seemed to understand me effortlessly, am I really this naive?

So maybe this is all in my head? Yeah, I don't regret it. But if there's one thing I can say, I guess I have to admit how foolish I've been to trust you this much, to give away so much with so little received.

I don't blame you, though. I wish I can be mad at you, but honestly, I can't. Everyone's different, right? I thought what we had was rather special, I thought you didn't share your dreams and passions to anyone else, and I guess I will never know.

Aside from feeling like a complete moron, I...I don't really know what else to do.

"If your heart's not in it, I don't want it for a minute," isn't that what some song says? Don't lead me to believe you care, when you don't. It's mean.

A little something for the mellow souls

All the right senses in all the wrong places
So yeah, we're going down
They've got all the right moves in all the wrong places
So yeah, we're going down

Just paint the picture of a perfect place
They've got it better than what anyone's told you
They'll be the King of Hearts, and you're the Queen of Spades
And we'll fight for you like we were your soldiers

I know we've got it good
But they've got it made
And the grass is getting greener each day
I know things are looking up
But soon they'll take us down
before anybody's knowing our name.

They've got all the right senses in all the right places
So yeah, we're going down
They've got all the right moves in all the right places
So yeah, we're going down

They said, everybody knows, everybody knows where we're going
Yeah, we're going down
They said, everybody knows, everybody knows where we're going
Yeah, we're going down

Do you think I'm special?
Do you think I'm nice?
Am I bright enough to shine in your spaces?
Between the noise you hear
And the sound you like
Are we just sinking in an ocean of faces?

It can be possible that rain can fall,
Only when it's over our heads
The sun is shining everyday, but it's far away
All the world is dead.

They've got,
They've got all the right senses in all the right places
So yeah, we're going down
They've got all the right moves and in all the right places
So yeah, we're going down

They said, everybody knows, everybody knows where we're going
Yeah, we're going down
They said, everybody knows, everybody knows where we're going
Yeah, we're going down

It doesn't matter what you see.
I know I could never be
Someone that looks like you.
It doesn't matter what you say
I know I could never face
Someone that could sound like you.

All the right senses in all the right places
So yeah, we're going down
They've got all the right moves in all the right places
So yeah, we're going down

memories of you

So I was on my way back a couple of nights ago after a movie-night with my friend, and I was just on the bus, quiet and empty because it was late. Bored, I took out my phone and started playing with it. I have about 158 messages in my inbox now, as we speak, and probably about a hundred of them were old messages.

The oldest was dated January 23, 2007, followed by a couple texts from the same year and last year, but there are a handful of messages from early this year that I haven't managed to delete. To be fair, I would still have a lot more old messages than that if I didn't change my phone the beginning of this year, so in result I lost a lot of messages which otherwise I would still keep.

Why, you ask? Call me sentimental, I just have a habit of not deleting nice messages, however old they may be. And not just text messages, I have a lot of letters, gifts, photos from eons ago that I still cherish to this day too. But text messages are the easiest to store and to look back on. Ask me if you can borrow my brand new, expensive shoes that I haven't even worn before, and I would gladly let you. But ask me to delete one message from old friend I have lost contact with (who probably has forgotten my name, face, and wouldn't care shit whether I'm still alive or not), and I wouldn't be able to.

Seriously, though, why? I don't know, why do you ask me back? I'm supposed to ask you for answers. But, going back to a few nights ago, yeah, I was in the bus and I started reading old messages from one particular person. I got really close to this person for many months, but now we hardly talk at all. The messages brought melancholic smile to my face, because they reminded me of a lot of things we shared and time we spent together and all of those are precious. These messages symbolized memories, and I think I could still remember where I was or what I was feeling at the exact time I got these messages. I couldn't help but reminiscing.

I was so engrossed, and I was slightly daydreaming, I guess, because the next thing I knew, I have alighted the bus even when it wasn't my stop yet. As soon as I got off, I realized. I still had a few more bus stops to go, but at that state, I didn't really mind the walk, so I did. It was quite a distance but I felt nice somehow. And the air was cool, there were hardly any noises, so after I've hungrily read all the messages until there were no more texts to read (the last one I still remember, I was at the airport on my way back to Jakarta, and you thanked me for every moments we spent together, and that you wouldn't ever forget me. Sure, words are cheap, aren't they?), I put on the headphone and blasted on the music as I made my way home.

I know, to look at it positively, I should just be glad that I have all these memories and wonderful times, and of course I am. Memory is a wonderful thing if you don't have to deal with the past, right? Why can't I look at everything as just a great memory, without anything else entails? There needn't be a follow-up, or a continuation. Instead, this is the end of the story, with just all the good stuffs. Wouldn't that make everyone happier?

And knowing that it's out there, at least something, or someone, who has been able to make me feel that way, make me experience the day-to-day happiness from the simplest gestures and the simplest phone calls everyday, that is precious. It reminds me that we shouldn't settle for anything less.

I'm not even talking about relationships, or love, because they're too cheesy and forced, we can call it whatever we want. I'm saying, that yes, some people in our lives are just meant to pass us by, so when we look back, I hope instead of being sad, we can really just be happy for their presence while it lasts. I know it's hard, I'm still learning too.

Having said that, still I don't think I will erase these old messages anytime soon because they help me remember something's out there.

Cold

I realize that I'm a hopeless romantic, yet when it all comes down to it, I act the complete opposite. Most of the times to the people that really matter.

The guy I was seeing at one point called me an ice queen. I assumed he was teasing, and I shrugged it off completely. The thought of me being cold and insensitive, just like that name suggested was beyond incomprehensible.

But the truth is, maybe I am. Maybe I am cold and insensitive, but I never meant to be. I feel like I have to put up this layer of 'protection' in order to ensure my emotional safety. To appear more disinterested, so noone can hurt me.

I suppose that's not the way to live this life, but I'm still trying. I'm afraid of commitment not because I don't wish to be inhibited. I think...I'm afraid because I just don't wanna be in that position. Of, being vulnerable, I guess?

Love/Hate

They say the opposite of love isn't hate. It's indifference.

When you spend time either loving or hating someone, that means you still care.

I thought I was so beyond it, unaffected, indifferent. I could look at you and wish you all the best although I was no longer involved in your plan, in the big picture.

It hit me a few days ago, that I apparently can't be fully indifferent yet. And it's like opening up a can of worms because the realization confronts me with questions. What does it all mean?

Call me self-destructive. I have been repressed for days and I need to say it. I do not wish for anything else but a validation, an opportunity to express my true feelings because that's how I am. Slightly neurotic.

I need to be honest with myself today, and that's all I want to do. There will be no other parties involved. Just me.

Rollercoaster of J

/ / At first it was curiousity, and then interest. Crush.

Then there was the connection, and the sparks. The beginning, and the middle. Ups and downs. Intensity. Day in and out, jokes, a few fights and make ups.

There was a peak, and then it just seemed to wear off. More fights and less make ups. Dissapointment and misunderstanding.

And then it was nothing. Absence. Evaluation and distant memory. Sensitivity over the smallest reminders and fresh wound.

But then there was time. And everything felt okay at last. No frets and grimace. There was realization and acceptance. Content.

And finally all's left was just a sweet memory. / /

for you. on my own.

It has been such a ride, and I'm grateful for your presence. You've been there, and that's all I could ever ask. I know we both said we're gonna do this, and that, but it's not like I haven't been here before. It's okay, we don't have to. Everything has to end eventually, right? I've kinda seen it coming anyway.

What's important is, that we had memories to share, stories and pictures to remember our time, and that's it. Why ruin a perfectly good moment with expectations and speculations? And I hate falling out; making promises we can't keep. It's better to just get everything out in the open, clean and simple.

So I said, "It's okay," and you said, "Yes." I smiled and you concurred. Now even though it sucks, and hurts a little, it's alright. What's worse is getting upset when we fail to do whatever we're supposed to. Let there be tiny individual you, and tiny individual me, and let's not get in the equivalent.

When there's time, we can catch-up, fill in the silence and the seemingly growing chunks of space. Afterall, the most exciting things are those unplanned for. Spontaneousity. Unexpected.

It's gonna be fine. I keep telling myself that.